#CaptureYourGrief - Day 31 - Sunset

Day 31 - Sunset

I really like that this project started with a sunrise, and ends on a sunset.  I really love watching both as much as possible every day.  I find it interesting that when this project began, I'd be getting to the train station as the sun was rising.  Now it is rising as I get into the office, a good hour later.  We will however be "falling back" this weekend, which will give me another month to admire the sunrises.

This has been a good experience, and interesting journey, both for my mind and soul.  It's been interesting to read the different takes people have on these subjects - how it makes them feel, what it makes them think about.  Today, around the world, people are sharing the sunset they saw today, or on another special day and I feel connected to this community of parents who have loved and lost like me.  I feel so much empathy for their losses, story after story.  As this project has helped me, I hope that it has helped others as well.  Not only the people who participated in the project, but the ones that read along as their friends, family members, or pure strangers posted their pictures, and captions.

This project has inspired me to try to find another healing project to focus on.  One that can be shared with other grieving individuals.  I did the 30 days of gratitude project, and that was really special for me.  I just did the #CaptureYourGrief project, which was another helpful healing journey.  I will brainstorm, and find something.

As the sun set today, as we awaited children to come trick-or-treating, I am thankful that we decided to hand out candy.  It was a last minute decision as I didn't really think I'd feel like celebrating, or seeing all the kids, when mine should also be dressed up.  I really could have been deterred earlier today when I saw a little boy dressed like a lion, Preston's costume which remains hanging in his closet.  We gave out candy today for under-privileged kids as we do every year for the Hope Center in Denver.  It made me feel good to hear the children laughing, and having a good time.  Especially these kids that struggle in some aspect of their life, for no fault of their own.  And it made me thankful that yesterday, my hubby asked me to go buy candy on my way home from work.  It hasn't been the busiest Halloween since we've moved in, but I'd say a good 50 kids must have come by so far.  

Halloween is a day for children.  Originally though, it was a day dedicated to remembering those who have passed.  The day to ward off death, mock it.  Be whimsy.  Be playful and witty.  Death can be so devastating, and it is nice to see that while this day is so highly commercialized like most holidays nowadays, the essence of this day is still there.  Don't let death take over your life.  Laugh at it.  Have fun at it expense.  I'm not saying that death is a laughing matter, but today has made me realize that there's no use in letting death win.  Life doesn't stop, even if you want it to.  Live your life to the best of your ability.  Make the most of it.  Smile, make others smile.  And sometimes, it can be as easy as giving a piece of candy to a little girl or boy.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 30: Intention

I've decided to skip days 27-29 of the #CaptureYourGrief project.  Day 27 (Express) was a day where we were to share whatever we wanted.  Day 28 (Wisdom) was a day to share what you've learned.  Day 29 (Reflect) was a day to look back at October.  Throughout my blog, I often say whatever I want, talk about whatever subject has affected me that day.  I often share my experiences, what I've learned, how I feel.  And, I often reflect on my healing journey in my posts.  For that reason, I thought it would be nice to catch up and be on track for the final 2 days.

Day 30 is entitled Intention.  I'm to attempt to set an objective which will help me with my grief and healing.  Since Preston's passing, I believe I have set put certain goals into place.  I intend to continue with my group meetings for as long as I need, and maybe longer, to help others through this difficult journey.  I write a blog entry as often as possible, to help with my healing, and the healing of others.  I try to live my life without planning too far in advance, which I think gives me a greater appreciation for life.  I try even harder to be kind to others, to not judge, because you never know who might be having the worse day of their life.

And, for Preston's birthday, I'm trying to create a movement which will create a wave of smiles around the world.  A day where people demonstrate the kindness that lives within them.  A day where maybe, just maybe, we can realize that we don't have to live in pain, sadness and horror.  A day where my son can be honored, for the precious life that he had.  The happiness that radiated from him, I hope can radiate throughout the world.

And so, my new intention, more of the same.  Write, share, be kind.  I think, that's all I can expect myself to do for now.

Pictured above - Preston's newest bears.  The pink ribbon bear is from my parents, and I purchased the I <3 NY bear during our recent vacation.  It's a bizarre thing to buy things for someone who isn't living, but I just can't help it.  He'll be my baby forever, and every now and then, mama's got to buy a bear for her baby.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 26: Healing Ritual

What makes me unhappy?  The fact that my son is gone, for no reason.  The fact that my son is no longer in my arms, he can no longer smile, grow and learn.  The fact that the dreams I had for Preston, are no more, forever broken, never to be fulfilled.  Quite simply, just the fact that he's no longer here makes me unhappy.  Does my unhappiness stem from grief?  I think it goes hand in hand with grief.  When you grieve, you go through stages of sadness, unhappiness.  Sometimes it's really intense, but other times, it just lingers in the background.

As part of my healing journey, I have adopted what I feel is a ritual.  It's writing a blog entry.  Almost every day.  Sharing my feelings, thoughts without any restrictions.  Without feeling like I need to sensor what I'm writing.  It has really been a healing experience, and it continues to be.  It allows me a special time to think about Preston every day.  It allows me to write down memories, so that they are never forgotten.  It allows me to share, and hopefully help, inspire someone along the way.

I hope to add other rituals that help me heal, that make me healthier mentally and physically.  I'm trying to eat better and trying to be more active.  I've been meaning to try yoga for a long time, and I keep pushing it because "I don't have time for it".  This reminds me of a quote I read months ago, which I think I blogged about in one of my first entries - "Yesterday you said tomorrow".  I say tomorrow almost every day.  So today, I say, maybe not tomorrow, but perhaps it would be something to look into while I'm on vacation.  Something new to try, and if I like it, maybe it'll be easy to integrate into my life.

Whatever ritual I adopt, whether it's writing a blog entry every day, doing yoga, eating healthy, I do it to make my son proud.  I do it for my possible future children, to give them a better chance at life since my body failing gave Preston a big disadvantage.  I do it for Brett.  I do it for me.  I do it for anyone who might find hope in seeing that it's possible to survive a loss so large as the loss of a child.  It's possible to smile every day and find meaning to your life.  It's possible to be happy, healthy and make new dreams.  Different dreams, but good dreams.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 25: Mother Earth

On day 25, which was Saturday, Carly Marie asked that we plant something in memory of our children who have passed.  Plant something to honor Preston, and help Mother Earth as well.  As Carly Marie states in her instructions for day 25, it also gives us a spot to visit them - by the tree we planted, or the flowers, shrubs or garden.  I've already prepared Preston's Garden for Winter.  It's now dry, with its plants cut down.

All Spring and Summer, I had been meaning to "fix" our garden in the front yard.  I've worked on it seldom as the previous owners, or original owners of the house had planted tulips and another perennials.  But, despite the landscape fabric they installed to prevent weeds, grass and weeds had started to overtake our flowerbed.

So this past weekend, I cleaned it up.  I removed the landscape fabric which helped uproot the grass and the weeds that were growing amid the flowers.  I added new soil - and I planted seeds.  I know it's ridiculous because nothing is going to grow with Winter weather around the corner.  We've actually had frost since I've planted them.  But, I wanted to participate in this planting event.  I planted seeds I bought at the same time I bought seeds for Preston's Garden to grow vegetables and herbs.  I bought Forget-Me-Not seeds, Sweet William seeds and Sweet Pea seeds.  All seeds that reminded me of my son - Forget-Me-Not... how could I?  Sweet William - William was his middle name... Sweet Pea - one of my nicknames for him.

It's a possibility that I get a few sprouts.  It's another that nothing at all happens.  But I promise to plant seeds for these exact flowers again in the Spring.  As a sign of hope.  As a gesture of remembrance.  As a new spot for me to feel close to Preston, a special space to think about him.  Reminders of my Sweet Pea, my Preston William, who I will never forget.  I like this idea a lot.  Hopefully they will grow beautifully in the Spring, blossom away and bring smile to wandering neighbors, or even little hopping bunnies.

Have you ever planted anything to honor a loved one?  How did you feel? Do you visit the site of this plant, tree or flower often?

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 24: Forgiveness

I know this picture looks rather weird.  I tried to snap a shot of the sun the other day, and then I played with the HDR and other fun stuff Google allows you to do.. and it gave this.  Bright and colorful and I couldn't find anything better in my pictures that could depict forgiveness.

I'm not one to hold grudges.  I don't enjoy being in a bad mood.  I don't like being negative, or having more to worry about that life's already throwing at me.  For that reason, I've usually found it easier to just let go and forgive.  That feeling of forgiveness gives you inner peace too.  So if you ever think that you wronged me in some way, offended me, or made me sad, know that all is forgiven.  There's no place in my heart for bitterness, hatred or resentment.  And I'm really hard to offend.  I've had people throw stuff on my desk, and just smiled and said thank you, chucking it to a bad day.  Every one has them.  I try to live a life where I don't offend anyone.  I try to live a life where I'm kind to everyone, so, if I ever did anything to offend you, wrong you in some way or upset you, I sincerely request your forgiveness.  My intentions aren't bad, but I'm not always the best in social situations.

I guess right now, I still have one thing weighing on my heart.  I still need to learn to forgive God, for calling my little boy to him so early in his life.  I try hard every day to understand.  There's that saying, "everything happens for a reason".  I used to believe it, but I don't anymore.  There's absolutely no valuable lesson to be learned from losing my son.  Perhaps I'm giving back more than I ever did now, but I don't think losing my son was a fair price to pay.  Plus, there's no explanation for SIDS, so there's no reason there either.

It is difficult for me to forgive God for this.  Most days I do, and I ask for his forgiveness for my unwillingness to let this one thing go.  But really, can anyone blame me?  I'm sure He understands my pain.  He's lived through it.  He sacrificed His son.  I shouldn't draw a parallel because I didn't sacrifice my son's life to save humanity.  I don't think I would if given the choice.  I don't think anyone would though.  I just need to learn to accept that sometimes things are unexplained.  There isn't a reason behind it, it's unfair, but that's just the way it is.  It's very difficult to accept, it's very difficult to forgive life, God, and really my body for failing me.  Who knows, if I had carried to term, the risks of SIDS would have been greatly reduced.  Maybe Preston would still be.  But every day, I have to forgive myself, because there's nothing I can do to change the past.  Holding this against myself, the world and God, does me no good.  So today, I try to forgive that this happened to me.  And I will continue to try every day.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 23: Inspiration

"Living an inspired life is one of the greatest things you could ever do. Waking up feeling excited about my day is something that I never imagined would happen after our son died, but it did. I know today’s subject will not resonate with some people as the thought of waking up feeling inspired to be alive is one of the last things you are feeling. So if you feel you cannot take part today, maybe just have a look at what others are saying. It is my hope that this post might inspire some feelings in your own heart to start searching for some inspiration for your own life. "

This was the caption from Carly Marie's #CaptureYourGrief for day 23.  I felt that it was important to quote this, because, I like many bereaved parents am not excited to wake up every morning.  I don't feel a lot of excitement toward life, nor have I for more than half of 2014.  This does not mean though, that I don't have any inspiration, and that I don't want to live an inspired life.  Quite the contrary.  I'm just not quite where Carly Marie is.  I'm pretty sure that she is 7 years out from losing her son; I am 7 months out.  Perhaps this excitement for life will return once we have children to hold.  Or perhaps just with time.

In the meantime, I can in all honesty say that Preston, my sweet P, is definitely a source of inspiration for me.  He inspires me to share my journey with others - parents who might be living through a loss similar as mine, or one that isn't similar at all.  But remember, all losses are important and cannot be compared.  Perhaps my journey can also help others, who haven't lost a child, but who are dealing with intense struggles, like the loss of a parent or friend, living with a chronic illness like I do, dealing with depression, or just going through a difficult time in their life.  Whoever you are that is reading this post, some of my posts, all of my posts - I hope that you are able to take something away from my journey.  Because while writing this blog is extremely healing and releasing for me, its premise is to spread happiness to honor my son.  It's goal is to touch the lives of others, and help them along the way.  And all that, was inspired by Preston, my sweet little boy gone too soon.

His smile was incredibly contagious.  I seriously could spend all day trying to make him smile, not that it was incredibly difficult once he figured it out.  It filled my heart with happiness, and every time he'd grace me with a smile, it felt like I was seeing it for the first time.  Magical.  I had the courage to watch all his videos yesterday, and it was difficult, I won't lie.  So close like he was within reach, yet so far never to be held again.  At the same time, it did me some good.  It was fabulous to see his smile, and it gave me the courage to go about my day.

Having the drive to do anything can be difficult.  Motivation is hard to find when you've lost something so precious.  I've learned that no matter what though, you just have to keep going.  The clocks don't stop ticking.  The world doesn't stop turning.  The wind doesn't stop blowing.  Finding that inspiration that Preston has given me, has been the greatest gift since losing him.  Finding the little things that might make me smile and sharing them with the world, makes me feel like there's always something to look forward to, eventually.  Finding a way to smile, laugh every day, makes each day, a little easier.  And sure guilt will poke it's nasty head as you laugh, and smile, but know that you shouldn't let it overtake you.  You are a survivor, and you have every right in the world to share a laugh, and smile your heart away.  Just like my little boy was a fighter, fighting his way to come home from the hospital, fighting his way to catch up in weight and size for little boys his age.  Everyone has that fight in them.  And even if you stand alone, that's okay.  Keep fighting.  What are you fighting for?  I'm fighting for a happier world, to honor my son, Preston, Prince of Smiles.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 22: Self-Care

I'm not one to get my nails done much (or even paint them for that matter).  I'm not a spa-girl.  I get my hair done 3-4 times a year, and I'm overdue at the moment.  It's not that I don't enjoy these things, it's just not something I enjoy spending money on too often.

So, what have I done for myself lately?  My husband and I went on vacation.  We flew to New York City, drove to Cooperstown, then Montreal and then back to New York City.  Cooperstown was stunning.  It's one of the most beautiful little villages I have ever seen.  At the edge of a lake and leafy forest.  Buildings of brick, emanating of tradition.  It was old-fashioned, yet classic.  Visiting the Baseball Hall of Fame was fun for both Brett and I.  The museum showed the evolution of the sport, from equipment to scandals to game-play.  Players were forever immortalized with displays honoring their achievements.  It was wonderful to see how many players themselves had donated to the museum.  The Hall itself was majestic.  The lighting felt natural.  The plaques commemorating these baseball greats were so well sculpted.  The stories they each told were each more impressing than the next.  It was nice to spend the afternoon with my husband there.  Not thinking too much about our reality, our life that was turned upside down almost 8 months ago.   We then visited my family in Montreal.  We spent some time with my parents, and my brothers, and niece and nephews.  We had breakfast with my cousin, and the next day, breakfast with my immediate family and aunts and uncles.  And then back to NY.  We visited with our friend Jimmy and his girlfriend Karen.  We had a nice dinner at this little Greek place.  We also walked the streets of Manhattan, walked halfway across the Brooklyn bridge and took a stroll in Central Park.  We did try to go see the Friends "museum" but there was always a 3-4 hour wait, even at 8:00am.  Oh well!

We have another upcoming trip.  It will be work related for my husband, but it'll be a true vacation for me.  I will take the opportunity to go to the spa, and the pool.  I'm really looking forward to it, though I'm also a little anxious.  It's a week before Preston's birthday.  My hope is that this vacation, gives me a little rest before I need to get through his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Finally, a week ago I sent out the Spread Happiness For Preston information and mailed cards throughout the week.  That was something that was really important to me.  This will find a way for Preston to be honored.  He'll be remembered.  He'll make a difference, and really what more can a mother ask for than for her child to make a difference in the world.  In world that can be so ugly, with the killing of an unsuspecting soldier guarding a memorial, the repeated school shootings, and the other atrocious things that you hear about on the news.  With a little help from everyone, hopefully we can create more happiness, more joy.  Smiles and feelings of gratitude.  And just hopefully, one act at a time, make this a happier, safer place for the next generations to come.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 21: Relationships

Taken 8 year ago... how time flies.  With time, things are ever changing, including relationships.  They get stronger, or weaker.  They get more complicated, or more genuine.  Love continues to grow.

With Brett, getting along has always been easy.  We disagree, but I can't say we've ever had a big fight.  We definitely don't always get our way, but I think we've learned to compromise where needed so that we can both be happy, or as happy as possible.  Has grief affected our relationship?  For sure.  I think we're more in tune with each other's feelings.  More apt to know how to react when the other is at a low point.  We know that we can survive traumatic events, which poor Brett has had to deal with more than me.  Maybe I had to deal with surgeries, but I had narcotics to keep me loopy.  Brett was 100% conscious of everything, of all the dangers, of how serious everything was.  He's my rock, and I wouldn't be where I am now without him.

Grief has also affected some friendships.  Friends that I hadn't been close to in a long time, have just been so incredibly supportive.  They've shown me what compassion is.  They've reinstated my faith in mankind when it was pretty low.  They've helped lift me up when I was down, and they continue to do so.  That's special.  These are truly kindhearted people.  I'm blessed to have them in my life.

Lastly, am I able to have a relationship with Preston, now that he's gone?  Call me crazy, but I think so.  I talk to him every day.  I think about him every day.  I try to smile for him.  I try to be kind for him.  I work hard for him.  And while he can't give me that sweet smile of his back.  While he can't give me back anything that you might see, he gives me so much.  He's teaching me to live life without mapping everything out first (though I still try to sometimes).  He's showing me what empathy is, which I think in return, I am showing to others.  He's helping me cultivate a simpler life where I can appreciate something as small as a raindrop.  He's guiding me into trusting that I can have Faith in God, that Heaven truly exists, and that one day, we will all be reunited.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 20: Breathe

Breathe.  This word plagues my existence.  The expression "takes my breath away" makes me shudder.  Understandably so, given that my son stopped breathing during an afternoon nap, never to take another breath, never to open his eyes again, never to giggle, play, walk, cry ever again.  Never say never they say.  I beg to differ.  Never is another word I'd love to remove from my vocabulary, yet it's ingrained into my mind.

Carly Marie's exercise for day 20 was to go sit/lay outside in the grass, to take in our surroundings, take a deep breath and let it out.  Repeat as much as needed, and thinking about making it a daily practice.  And so, I did just that.  I went to our backyard, sat in the grass, and just emptied my mind, looking all around me.  The sky was void of clouds.  The bushes in our backyard were pretty bare, except the ones on the south side - they were blazing red.  And just behind, our neighbor's tree was still full of bright yellow leaves, staying in the wind.  Everything was quiet, minus the random car which would pass by.  And, to my right.. lay a little white feather in the grass.  Those always make me think of Preston - like if he'd visited and one of his angel wings shed a feather, just to say, "hi, I do visit even if you can't see me".

It was a nice exercise.  It allowed me to stop, take in the beauty around me.  It allowed me to breathe, even if that's a difficult concept because of what it reminds me of.  It helped me do what I want to do anyway - live, find happiness, and smile because that is precisely what Preston would want.  And really, how can I not smile, when all around me, are all these colors that he loved so.  Blue in the sky, green in the grass, red and yellow in the trees and bushes.  White on a feather.  Those are the predominant colors in the beloved painting he adored staring at.

Will I do this every day?  Probably not, but it's a good practice to be done as often as possible.  It's a perfect reminder that while everything is not as it should be, everything is as good as it can be.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 19: Give

Day 19 was about giving.  I rather like that this topic landed on the 19th day, one month from Preston's first birthday.  Given that I'm behind on the Capture Your Grief project, I didn't realize this until a few days ago.  And I know, one of the rules of this project is that you don't have to participate every day, but since I think it's doing good for me, I want to see if through, even if I don't do it all in the month of October.

On October 19th, I wrote a blog about the event for Preston's birthday, "Spread Happiness For
Preston", where acts of kindness are to be done in memory of my son.  I sent an email at work, basically re-iterating my blog entry.  I shared it on the forums I frequent.  The responses were touching.  The amount of people who want to participating lifts up my spirits, and helps me realize that my son, has given so much to so many without even realizing it.  I feel incredibly humbled, and overwhelmed, in a good way.  I hope that he continues to touch people's lives.

I had planned to write this post yesterday, but my Remicade treatment has caused some fatigue.  I was too tired last night.  And I'm a little bummed, that the picture I had taken, didn't seem to really be taken.  It's not on my phone anyway.  I took a picture of a card I sent out yesterday.  I sent it to a friend, a fellow grieving mom who's had 3 losses.  It was a beautiful card I found, that had a little stone that can be removed can carried around.  The stone says "hope" and she's pregnant with her fourth.  He's due in about 2 weeks.  I found it fitting to send her this card.

I also send out some #SpreadHappinessForPreston cards this week.  To many co-workers, to friends and family in the US and Canada.  The thought that these cards will be handed out to others as acts of kindness is a good one.  It's a happy one.  As sad and difficult November 19th will be for us, I hope that the joy, love and peace that is shared through these acts make a difference.  I hope that they show the world, that this can be a happy place.  It doesn't always have to be about all the horrible things that happen every day.  It's a sign of hope... can we hope that one day, forces of evil become less and less, and that the positive energy that is being spread across the world might just make it a better place.  Thank you for your support, and participation. :)

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 18: Gratitude

Gratitude.  If you've read my blog, you know that I am grateful for many things.  I did 30 days of gratitude just about a month ago, and it was an incredibly healing experience.  It was eye opening.  Soothing.  And it just made me feel good.

This will be redundant if you follow my blog, but just to summarize, I am grateful for:

The people in my life

• Preston, and the 16 weeks he gave us, and what he's taught me since growing angel wings.
• Brett, my incredibly supportive husband, who will always be with my through thick and thin.
• Our family, immediate and extending, for the support they show us, for being there when we need them.
• Our friends, for their support, friendship, and not shunning us, even when we are sad.  For letting us share freely, our thoughts and feelings.
• The ladies and gents I have met (in person and virtually) through my journey of grief and healing.  No one understands like you do.  Your experiences, have helped me feel less alone.  Your feedback has helped me grow.  Your openness about your loss(es) has helped me understand my own grief.

Resources

• Food.  I love delicious food.  I have loved growing Preston's Garden.
• Speaking of which - Preston's Garden.
• Pizza.  A connection to my son.  A way to honor him, thinking of him.  Delicious to boot.
• Colors.  They are all around us in nature (well in not so nature too).  It was one of Preston's favorite things, and I am thankful to be able to soak in those colors every day. They make me smile.
• My home.  It's where I feel the most connected to Preston.
• Bunnies, rainbows, bears.  Seeing them, I believe is a sign from my sweet P.
• Pets.  They love us unconditionally.  They like to cuddle and play and can just be so darn cute!
• Raindrops.  The possibility of a rainbow.  Purity.  Peace.
• Seasons.  They all in their own way remind me of Preston.  They all in their own way make me sad, but bring me peace.
• Heaven.  One day, we will be reunited.

Feelings, Emotions

• Laughter.  It's the best medicine, no?
• Values: integrity, respect, kindness and determination.  These values help me push forward, even when the going gets tough.
• Blogging.  It allows me to put my thoughts, experiences to "paper" and it helps me heal.  Hopefully, it helps others too.
• Peace.  No war.  I've not lived through a war, and I'm extremely grateful for it.
• My thoughts.  I'm thankful to be able to have them.  They allow me to grow.  Knowledge is power.

Modern Medicine

• Remicade. It helps keep Crohn's at bay
• Doctors because they've helped me more than they know.
• Nurses, because they showed me what true care and compassion was.
• Medicine, without it, I would have had 16 weeks with Preston.

Other

• Long weekends.  Extra time to rest.  To be with my husband.  To do things I would otherwise not have time, take the time to do.
• Vacation.  A time of reprieve from the "normal".  A break.
• Movie night.  Special time for just me and Brett.
• Being organized.  Order brings peace.
• Pictures.  They capture our memories, and help jog them as they fade.
• Feathered pillows.  They are comfortable.
• Tokens.  Mementos to honor memories.  I'm thankful to have so many.
• Music.  Soothes the soul.  Puts your emotions to words.
• Serendipity.  The flukes and coincidences that exist all around us.  I love noticing something out of the blue and realizing just how beautiful the work is.

I'm grateful for all this, and so much more.  I like Carly Marie's suggestion.  "Think about making this a new ritual for you to practice each morning".  This being, thinking about something you are grateful for and why.  What are you grateful for today?

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 17: Explore

Exploring one's mind can be an interesting and revealing adventure.  It can be life altering; it can promote self-growth.  Grief.  I've been living with it since the loss of Preston.  That grief, the mourning, the healing, it's helped me feel more in touch with my emotions, understand what triggers certain feelings, and nursed me into learning how to heal my heart and soul.  I feel that I will grieve for the rest of my life, but I also feel that I will slowly heal, a little more every day.  I'll suffer set-backs I'm sure.  Over-all I see the rest of my life consisting of grief coupled with healing.

Grief, as I've discussed, consists of several stages with no set path.  Stages of sadness, anger, guilt, acceptance, numbness, need to help others.  Sometimes they inter-mingle.  I often feel anger and guilt at the same time.  Sometimes I feel numb yet peaceful.  The most important thing I've learned thus far is that whatever I'm feeling, I should allow myself to feel it.  If I need to be sad, it's okay to be sad.  If I need to have a week long vacation where I don't think too much about my loss, that's okay too.  Should I feel the need to reach out to someone, then I do.  There's no more, "what will others think if" I say this, or do that.  Let them think what they want.  I need to do this for me.

It's a hard realization.  I've always put other people's wants, needs and happiness ahead of my own.  Or at least, I think I did.  I still strive to do that, but I also know that sometimes, if I'm feeling a certain way, I need to put my needs first.  That's really difficult to do.  Not only because it's not something I'm used to doing, or want to do, but often times it means that I'm having a rough day.  Being sad is not easy.  It takes a lot of energy.  It's draining.  Thinking so deeply about what I have lost is heart-wrenching.  Day to day, minute to minute, I "know" what I've lost.  I feel it in my heart and in my empty arms.  But stopping whatever I'm doing, abolishing all others thoughts from my mind, that can be so difficult.  It sometimes feels like I'm realizing how monumental the loss is all over again.  At the same time, it's really mending for my soul and my mind.  It gives me a time to think about the happy times I had with my son.  All those times we played "this little piggy", all the stories I read to him, all the kisses on his tummy to make him giggle.  No one can ever take that away from me.  No one else lived what exactly what I lived.

Going inside your mind can be scary.  Exploring and understanding your thoughts and emotions on a whole other level though, can be so revealing, and can help you deal with certain situations more easily in the future.  Do you ever stop to think why you are feeling a certain way?  Like when you feel your blood boil over something that seems to menial a day later.  Do you ever wonder why it made you so mad?  Or when someone does something kind and you brush it off.  Do you ever stop to think why you didn't take the time to savor the act of kindness?  Why are we always such in a hurry?  We didn't used to be.

Much like there is a lot to explore out in the world, like the beautiful flowers that were in the park by our house, or like the beaver dam we discovered last spring, there is a lot to explore in one's mind.  It might be like a "mille-feuille".  That's a Napoleon in French.  It literally translates to "thousand sheets/layers".  Your psyche can be just as deliciously complex.  It can be just as interesting to travel as the world around us.  The discoveries might just change your life.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 16 - Retreat

The object of day 16 of Carly Marie's #CaptureYourGrief project was to take the day to do something for yourself since October 15th can be very emotional for parents who have lost a child.  I felt rather peaceful on October 15th, and didn't really take the day to do anything for myself - at least nothing out of the ordinary.

I try to be kind to myself as much as possible.  This journey has taught me that my emotions are going to come out when they need to.  I don't feel like I'm holding everything in.  Maybe I did at some point, but I don't feel like falling apart at the drop of a hat.

I was looking through passages from my blog today, trying to find some passages that I thought might help a friend.  I re-read Another Month Goes By, Fading Laughter, Happy Thoughts/Moments and Fog.  Quite honestly, it made me realize how far I've come in a short few months.  It showed me that sometimes, I need to go back and read these, because I need to take my own advice.  I lived in a fog for several weeks, perhaps more because I don't remember writing everything I have.  I may live in a fog again, as Preston's birthday approaches, as the holidays loom.  Sometimes, I still need to slow down, and appreciate the small things in life.

More importantly, going through these entries, made me realize that I have a retreat.  I retreat almost every day into my blog.  I put my thoughts, emotions to virtual paper.  I don't feel judged.  I don't feel like I need to hold back.  It's a time for me.  A special time to think about Preston, even if I thought of him throughout the day.  It gives me a time to fall apart if I need to, but also a place to share the happy things that may happen.  And right now, I'm happy with the interest people have had with the #SpreadHappinessForPreston event.

Thank you for letting me share my journey with you.  Thank you for not judging me.  I hope that I am able to touch your soul, heart and life.  I hope that you sometimes take something away from my experiences and thoughts.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 15: Community

My first collage!  I am really enjoying this "BeFunky" app on my phone.  It's just a little difficult to get pictures from my Google photo library (say if I added a border, or played with the HDR) to my gallery, to BeFunky, back to my gallery and then back to my Google photos.  If I don't play with the photo (like above), I can easily get it done though.

The topic for day 15 of Carly Marie's #CaptureYourGrief project is Community.  On October 15th, a "Wave of Light" traveled the globe.  This was to symbolize remembering our babies who have passed, and help create awareness.  As we all well know, October is Breast Cancer awareness month.  Rightfully so, we need to continue raising awareness, and finding a cure and better treatment for this horrible cancer that so many have succumbed to.  I have several friends who have lost their mothers to this horrible monster.  Less known, October is also Miscarriage and Infant Loss awareness month, with October 15th, being the Miscarriage and Infant Loss awareness day.  And so, as a community, we lit our candles, remembered our babies, however big or small, and honored them by trying to spread more awareness.

I've lost both.  I've had at least one miscarriage, and I lost an infant to SIDS.  And while there are campaigns like "Back is Best" that have reduced the risk of SIDS, there is still no way to prevent it.  We do not understand what it is that makes babies stop breathing while they are sleeping, with no hope to be woken up.  There are a lot of theories, and honestly, they are all frustrating, because everyone wants something to blame... and so we fall into this trap - it was the vaccination, lack of vaccination, the mattress wasn't firm enough, the mattress had "chemicals" in it...  I wish, that there was a way to irrefutably eliminate some of these theories, instead of making the head of SIDS parents spin.  How are we supposed to rest easy when we have other newborn babies, infants?  Yes there are risk factors that increase the odds of an occurrence for SIDS - such as premature birth, c-section birth.  That was one of the risk factors for Preston.  Yet, there are so many babies that are born prematurely, some earlier than Preston at 35 weeks.  The rate of survival at 35 weeks is very high.  But this risk factor and some unknown environmental stressor and his critical development age could be to blame.  I think so much more research could be done, but then again, I don't know how difficult this research is.

Anyway, I went on a tangent there... Community.  The baby loss community has been one that has helped me immensely on this journey of grief.  This is a journey that I will continue for my entire life, and really without the knowledge that there are others out there who have survived such an ordeal, has been helpful.  Seeing the positivity that others are able to live by, how they go through most days honoring their children, helping others has really been eye opening to me.  The community is on forums, is via blogs, is others I have met through group therapy.  It's been encouraging to see so many couples stick together.  This can be one of the greatest challenges for a marriage, or so I've been told, over and over again.  And I know Brett and I have a really special bond, and nothing can break it, but you still have to work at it, cherish it, and make it the best it can be.  And it's been uplifting to see other couples stick together, through thick and thin.  Everyone grieves differently, it's about finding a way to support each other, even when it doesn't mesh with how you are healing.  Respecting how the other is healing.

The community has taught me a lot, and it's helped me bring awareness to others, who aren't a part of this community.  I don't ever want anyone to need to join this community, but I think helping others, who haven't experienced this type of loss, understand what we are going through, may one day help others.  Awareness is half the battle.

I'd like to see our community be supported.  I know the topic of infant loss and miscarriage is a sensitive one.  I know that it scares a lot of people, it brings out emotions that are difficult to deal with.  And I think on both ends, we need to bridge the gap.  Those of us who have experienced a loss, when we are ready, I think we need not be ashamed to speak of our children.  And for those who haven't, we need to understand that any loss is a loss.  There is no "you can always have another".  There is no "you never even got to hold him/her".  There is no "he didn't take a breath".  A loss is a loss.  It is traumatic, and it is heartbreaking.  Nothing can replace what was lost.  Trying to make "light" of it, usually ends up hurting feelings more than not saying anything.  A simple "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I'm thinking of you" or a hug, can go a long, long way.

On October 1st, I lit a candle for my son.  It is pictured above, on the top left corner.  My aunt Jocelyn and friend Cynthia did as well.  I also lit this candle, for all the babies in my loss community.  I thought of them.  I prayed for their parents.  On October 15th, I lit two candles.  A red one for Preston, pictured above, top left and bottom, and an orange one, on the bottom, again for all the babies in my loss community.  Thank you Alicia, John, Cynthia, aunt Jocelyn and April, for lighting candles and sharing in the wave of light.  I will do this again on October 31st, to close out this month of awareness.  I hope you will join me.

As I lit these candles, I wished our babies well.  I told them that their parents were thinking about each and every one of them.  I told them to fly high, smile, and know that we love them, no matter where they are.  I told them that we think about them every day, and they can rest assured, that they will never be forgotten.  Fly high little ones, soar into the clouds, and bless us with the peace that you have been granted.

One month away - Spread Happiness For Preston - 11/19

One month from now, I should be celebrating my son's first birthday, with blue balloons and a bear shaped cake.  I should be watching him put his hands into the cake, making a mess and getting his first taste of something sweet like cake and icing.  One month from his birthday, I should be shopping for toys, and teddy bears, books and onesies.

Unfortunately, SIDS has made it so I won't be able to experience the joy of this monumental event.  This event that all mothers, all parents dream of.  I don't get to hear the squeals of happiness, and see the smiles.  Well, I do - in pictures and videos.  And I'm oh so grateful to have all that I have.  I'm so grateful that I was, am the mother to such a perfect little guy.  Forever frozen in time, in my mind and in my heart, as a 16 week old little boy.

In one month, the #SpreadHappinessForPreston day will be here.  November 19th.  The day he was born, 5 weeks early.  The day my life was forever changed.  And while the loss is heartrendingly painful, time has helped cauterize the wound in my heart.  It will never truly be mended, but I have learned, through my son, that happiness is all around us.  We all experience struggles.  We all have bad days.  We all have our ups and downs - and they can't be compared.  

My son radiated with happiness.  If I had to write a definition in a dictionary for happiness, it would be just that - Preston.  He wasn't a fussy baby.  He didn't cry without a reason, and those were few.  He grew leaps and bounds - from 4 pounds 5 ounces to 11 pounds 3 ounces in 16 weeks.  He had milestones - graduating from the NICU to come home, smiling, giggling, rolling over.  And most of all - he taught me a whole new side to life, even without being physically present.  I appreciate the small things in life.  I find a way to smile every day.  I treasure the memories of my son, and am always open to seeing the signs he might send me - a rainbow, a bunny, or just random events that I just know, came from him.

And I want to pay it forward.  I want to make the world a brighter place, a happier place, even if it's just one person at a time.  I'm hoping that a pay if forward, random acts of kindness day on November 19th of each year, can help make that dream come true.  I hope that you will join me in spreading happiness a month from now, on Preston's birthday.  What can you do?

• Open the door for strangers, even if you are in a hurry
• Donate to your favorite charity, or to a Children's hospital, or to the SIDS Foundation of America
• Buy the coffee for the person behind you while at Starbucks
• Help out a child in need, or a homeless person (it doesn't have to be money, make them a sandwich, or something like that)
• Give a gift card to someone, randomly, or to a friend, just because
• Send flowers to cheer up someone who's been having a rough week
• Make your husband/wife/children's favorite meal
• Send a balloon up to the sky, with a card attached - for someone you have lost

There are so many things that can be done to just make someone smile - even if that someone is someone you love.  Do you have to stop at one person? If you are up for it, make as many people smile as you can.  I invite you to share what you have done to spread happiness on November 19th, by sharing it on social media with #SpreadHappinessForPreston.  Or by commenting on my blog.  Or by emailing me - tsunaze1@gmail.com

I hope you will join me, and that #SpreadHappinessForPreston day is a success.  I have cards that can be handed out when you pay it forward.  If you are interested, I'd be happy to mail you one.  Just email me.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for considering participating in this event.  I hope that not only it makes someone else smile, but that it also makes you smile.

-Cat

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 14: Dark/Light

On day 14, Carly Marie wants us "acknowledge the dark and the light sides of grief".  I think that's a great way to describe grief - dark and light.  I often refer to it as a roller coaster ride.  The high, light notes where you feel at peace.  Where you are able to smile, find happiness, find the gratitude in life.  The low, dark moments, where you feel constant anger, pain and guilt.

Have there been moments where everything falls apart?  They are happening less, but they happen.  Preston's room is a place where I always seem to fall apart.  Looking at his crib, where his imprint remains.  Looking at all his things jumbled into a small room, where you can no longer walk through easily.  A room that used to be filled with joy, feedings, laughter and story time.  A room where we bonded.  And now, the door remains closed, as if it hides dirty secrets.  Yet, it remaining open, is too difficult to bear.  One day, will a little brother or sister claim this room as their own?  Will we be able to transform it into a new room?  Will we keep part of the nursery the same or will we revamp it all together?  One day, we will have to answer that question.  Until then, the room will remain a difficult space.  A dark place even though I know deep inside, that it is still filled with happiness.  It's just damped by the sadness of the events of March 13th.

Moments of light?  On our recent vacation, we drove from Albany, NY to Cooperstown, NY through a beautiful scenic route.  Trees of orange, red, yellow, brown and green.  Farm after farm.  Small towns here and there.  And then there was this little road that took us into a forest.  The light was dampened by the leaves above us, but sparkled onto the lake to our left.  What feeling of peace.  It was breathtaking.  And then, we were in the village of Cooperstown.  It beamed of history.  Old brick buildings.  Quiet streets, with little shops.  We visited the Baseball Hall of Fame of course.  It would have been nice to have Preston with us, and I think for a little bit, our minds and heart may have gotten a rest... like we were in an alternate reality.  Reminiscing of our road trip last year when I was pregnant with Preston.  And while I feel some guilt for not thinking about Preston every minute of every day, I know he knows I have to live my life.  I have to be able to have "normal" moments, enjoy my life.  And I think that this vacation showed me that I can have a happy life with happy moments.  I enjoyed time with family.  I enjoyed the drive with my husband.  I enjoyed the visit with friends.  I enjoyed just walking around Manhattan with Brett.  I thought of Preston every day, but I didn't let the sadness of losing him plague every moment of our vacation.  I will forever think of Preston every day.  I will forever remember what his short life brought to me.  I will always be thankful that God blessed me with such a precious baby boy.  He's opened my eyes to all the beauty that is around us.  He's taught me that happiness lives all around me - we just have to open our eyes and heart to it.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 13: Season

Winter.  As a child, it meant hours of playing in the snow, building forts and snowmen.  Sliding down the hill at Alexander Park and even skiing.  As a teenager, and young adult, winter started being a definition for cold, shoveling, and removing snow from the car.  Last year, winter was perfection.  I had my son.  I'd feed him as I watched TV by the fireplace.  We went for a few strolls on the warmest winter days.  We watched the snow fall by the patio window.  I both look forward to winter and dread it's arrival.  I imagine that I will feel closest to Preston - like when we had that snow storm on Mother's Day.  But I shudder at the thought of Christmas.  It's always been my favorite holiday... and now I don't even want to decorate.

He was born toward the end of Fall, but should have been born close to the start of Winter.  He passed away in Winter, days away from Spring.  I've viewed Fall as my favorite season for a long time, and part of me wants Winter to be my new favorite season, despite the cold weather, which I won't lie, isn't my preference when it comes to weather.  It may forever remain a tug of war in my mind.  Fall or Winter.  Colors like Preston loved, but white like the purity that radiated from his being.  The season he was born in, or the season he knew most.

Whatever season comes around, I think I will always have conflicting emotions regarding each.  Spring - Feelings of relief for the renewal of life that occurs during this time of year but sadness that Preston never got to know Spring.  Summer - Broken dreams of taking my son to the pool, and playing in the grass, but happiness for all the sunlight and outdoor activities like gardening.  Fall - Peacefulness from the falling leaves, changing colors and the smell of fireplaces coming on for the first time but struggle because every year, I should be celebrating my son's birthday.  Winter - Sadness that I can't see my son's face after Santa Claus has stopped by, but closeness to my son.

Hopefully, with time, I am able to find ways to make the change of seasons more bearable.  Concentrate on the goodness of each month.  Find the positives to associate each month with Preston, even if he never knew some of them.  Welcome the switch with open arms, rather than anticipate the worse.  Find happiness, because that is what Preston would want me to do.

#CaptureYourGrief: Day 12 - Music

I've touched on the subject of music a few times already.  I love music.  I love songs with a good beat, but I also love them for their lyrics.  Sometimes more for the lyrics than the beat.  As a grieving mother, I can say that listening to music after Preston passed away was very difficult.  How many songs do you hear that have the word "baby" in it.  And yes, I know it usually isn't a word that's used to describe a child.  But when you've just lost a baby, just hearing the word baby can be really difficult.  And then, there's a lot of songs about love, and about relationships that you can find ways to relate to the baby you've just lost.  It's just a really difficult subject.

I chose the picture above, because Preston loved his bouncy seat which played music.  He liked music.  Preston and I would often be up late, for a feeding, and I'd play one of Comcast's music channels.  There was a kids channel, but we also listened to some pop music, mostly from the 90s and 2000s.  We'd sing, and sway in the music.  His swing also played lullabies.  He loved it.  It was very soothing to him.  This swing and soft sounds.  It's still hard to fathom that he's gone.  The picture above was taken in February when he was 12 weeks old... In a few months, it'll have been a full year since that picture was taken.  Who would he be then? Who would he be today?

The first months after Preston passed, I couldn't turn on the radio without bursting into tears.  It was difficult, but I made myself listen to music.  Every day, it got a little easier.  And now, I'm happy that I did it.  I suggest, that you try it too if it's still difficult.  It'll be hard at first.  Tears will be shed.  But one day, you'll see what I see.  That it's nice to hear a song that reminds me of Preston.  Whether it's because it was a song we listened to together, or it's a song with lyrics that remind me of him.  "One Sweet Day", "Iris", "In the Arms of an Angel", "Show 'Em" to name a few.  While some of these songs tug at my heart, while they manage to often make me cry, I'm thankful that I can listen to them.  It reminds me that my pain is real, it reminds me that Preston really existed.  It reminds me that others out there, hurt like I do.  And sometimes, when I hear these songs out of the blue, it just makes me hope that God, or Preston, is sending it down to me saying "I love you" and "I miss you" and "Preston's okay".

A few weeks before he passed, this ad would play for a new TV show.. I forget the name of it now, but the chorus of this one song would play, and he just always seemed so peaceful when it played.  I reckon that he really liked it.  I've tried listening to the song, but I didn't like any of it aside from the chorus (no offense meant to the singers).  But still, when I hear that chorus, I always think of Preston, and just know that he's made it to Heaven.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home

Perhaps it was already in the cards, that he'd be going "home" to Heaven.  I do continue to pray and wish that he never felt pain.  And even though I still believe he was too perfect for this world of ours, they say we're all born with sin.  If that's the case, I truly believe that all has been forgiven.  Until we meet again my son.  I'll be coming home, one day too.  Forgive my sins and help me be the best I can be until then.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 11: Altar

This one is a tough one for me.  I keep picturing what I'd like to have as memorial in our house for Preston.  And I'm not looking to have an "altar" in the religious sense.  I'm thinking something more along the lines as a memorial space for Preston.  A special place for the important things. For the best memories.

I'm thinking of getting a corner shelving unit.  Maybe even a nice display case type cabinet.  I need to wait though.  I'm not ready to go through all his things, find his favorites.. okay, my favorites to display.  I'm not ready to open the boxes that contain his hand prints and foot prints which were taken by the coroner.  Don't get me wrong, they are beautiful.  I'm so thankful that she did that for us.  Looking at them though, just opens up the floodgates, it tugs at my heart.  It reminds me of those last moments, where he was already gone.  And I just can't go there.  Maybe it's unhealthy?  I don't know.  I may be a grieving parent, but I'm no expert on grief.  All I know, is what others in my shoes have told me.  Everything in it's time.  When you are ready.  One day at a time. One moment a time.  Whatever you are feeling, it is okay.  Let yourself feel what you are feeling and don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling.

And so, in the meantime, we have the above pictured "altar" on a dresser in our bedroom.  Preston's ashes.  His memorial card.  The footprint and hand print ornament we created on 12/23/13 for Christmas (our parents each have one too).  His favorite blanket, with a lion on it, from aunt Jocelyn and uncle Burnell.  One of his favorite onesies (size 3 months).  His little socks.  His picture we had taken right before I went back to work in February, with angel wings... maybe too ironic for my liking, but fitting considering.  My favorite stuffed animal as a kid (dog - Fifine).  The black bear I bought for him the week after he passed, since bears were his theme.  My favorite Care Bear as a child - you guessed it, Cheer Bear. The one with the rainbow.  Again, coincidence?  A rainbow like Preston was.  Cheer, happiness, the perfect description for my son.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 10: Support

The topic for day 10 of #CaptureYourGrief, to me, kind of overlaps with the subject of resources as the resources offer support.  Support by being able to discuss our losses, openly share our feelings, and experiences, all the while contributing to others who walk in our shoes in the hopes of maybe helping them through their journey.  It also allows us to share whatever we want about our sons and daughters.  So, whether that support is received verbally, in written fashion or simply in gestures, like a kind squeeze from a friend, or a hug from a loved one, all the support that we receive, that I receive, is appreciated beyond words.

I've been blessed with a great support system.  I've felt very supported wherever I go.  At home, at work, through Facebook, Babycenter and my blog.  Through the Angel Eyes support group.  With family and friends.  I have found support in surprising places.  Friends that I'd lost touch with.  True friendships are so special.  Friendships that have lasted the obstacles of age, distance and time.  Ones where you might not really speak to each other for years, but one day, pick right back up like if you'd been talking every day.  I'm so grateful for the friends and family that have been there for me, time and time again.  That continue to be.  That follow my journey closely and share experiences that they are able to relate to mine, even if they aren't exactly the same.  No one person is exactly the same, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with being able to relate with one tragedy, even if it's not the exact same thing.  To know that I've somehow touched you in some way, helped you in some way, I can't even begin to tell you how much that means to me.  It helps me grow and maybe, it helps you grow too.

It's interesting that this subject came up when it did - day 10.  On October 6th, we had our monthly group meeting and the subject was just this - support systems.  I'm relatively new to this journey, 7 months in.  In our group, there were several couples who are a couple years out, several years out, and they shared how over the years, the support system changes.  The first weeks, months - some people are really there for you, and then they take a step back.  Then others are there for you, and again they take a step back and at the same time, perhaps others show up again.  Basically, my understanding was that overtime, they felt that support systems are ever changing.  I can't really say that I've experienced that myself.  And if it does happen, well I understand.  Loss is a difficult subject to discuss, think about.  Add losing a child to the mix, and that difficulty level rises.  No one wants to image it.  No one wants to live it.  But as with every thing, someone has to.  I'm one of those someones.  Right now, I feel like I'm in a good place.  I'm supported well by friends, family and strangers who are going through a loss.  I don't want to burden people who don't feel they can support me, and I don't feel like I need to.  So if you aren't in a place where you're comfortable talking to me about Preston, talking to me about my loss, my journey, how I'm feeling - that's okay. I understand.  I don't hold it against you.  Just know, that if you ever are ready to talk to me about it, you aren't opening up a giant wound.  You aren't causing me pain by bringing it up.  I think about Preston every single day.  I smile every day, remembering his smile.  While my wound is healing, it will never completely heal - and I'm 100% okay with that.

P.S. I struggled finding the right image to depict "support".  I already had used holding hands for day 8.  I chose last night's sunset, because it was serene.  The support system I have, brings me the same - serenity.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 9: In Memory

Carly Marie wrote the following:

"There is such a deep-rooted yearning that we feel when our beloved children die. This yearning hurts but it also inspires us to get creative to do something in memory of our children."

What have I done in memory of Preston?  For starters, I was so thankful that we were able to bring our baby boy home, when he was born early, and so small.  As got bigger and started wearing newborn sized onesies and other little outfits, I donated the preemie clothes to the Sky Ridge Medical Center NICU.  That's where he was born.  That's where they took care of him, and me.  I was thankful. I still am.  And while part of me wishes I still had some of those onesies to look at, to hug and kiss, I'm still happy with the decision I made to give them away.  Other families need them.  Other babies will have preemies, and having a little piece of Preston being out there to help them, brings a smile to my face.

I created this blog to honor my little boy.  I didn't anticipate it being a blog where I write a post almost every day.  I wanted to write something that would help others.  Something that would show other grieving parents that there is room for optimism, smiles and happiness.  That even when you are in a better place, anger, guilt, sadness is totally okay for you to feel.  Grief is a roller coaster.  I think that with the support of a grieving community, the free falls that we feel from this roller coaster can be made to be less steep.  That community - blogs, forums, support groups, loved ones.

The goal of my blog is not only to share my journey, but to share what happiness Preston brought to my life, and still manages to bring to my life.  It was strange - during our vacation - I didn't really see any clear sign from Preston.  No rainbows or bunnies.  On the plane ride home though, the clouds were bright pink.  Not that this was a color that I associate with Preston, but the beauty that radiated from those clouds as we flew through them... I don't know I just felt peaceful.  I felt hope - that really, I'd see him again. 

I also have Preston's Garden, a garden his dad built for me, a garden where I grew herbs and vegetables.  A garden I would have liked to plant and care for with Preston.  A garden that could have fed him yumminess.  Instead, Preston's Garden taught me that there is hope.  I was able to grow vegetables when I'm usually really bad at manual labor type tasks.  Preston's Garden has taught me nurturing because it takes a lot of care to grow a garden, and it's great to be able to enjoy the own fruit of your labor. :)

Lastly, I'm hoping that #SpreadHappinessForPreston is a successful event which makes it so that November 19th of every year, is one of the happiest days every year.  I hope that many participate.  I hope, that somehow, someway, my little boy can make a difference.  I had cards made (pictured above) to hand out as happiness is spread on 11/19.  If you would be interested in my sending you some, please email me: tsunaze1@gmail.com and let me know how many you would like.  I encourage you to request 5, to share with families and/or friends and try and really make November 19th, a special day.  Not only for Preston, or for me, but for the world.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 8: Resource

I think I'm going to be playing catch up for several days maybe even for a week, as I've been on vacation visiting family and friends and enjoying quality time with hubby.  We just returned home last night and have already returned to our "normal" routine and life.  The break from home, from reality has definitely been a good one, a much needed one.  More on that later ;)

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 8: Resource

When we first lost Preston, we were referred to an organization in Denver named Angel Eyes which supports families who suffer the loss of a child.  Through this organization we were able to meet with a counselor and other parents who are going through a similar journey as ours.  Some parents lost their baby seven years ago, some one year ago and some months ago, just like us.  Personally, meeting with the counselor on a one-on-one level didn't help me all that much.  I was just telling my story, to one more person.  She prompted me to talk, but didn't really offer anything that I felt was helpful.  I was looking for answers.  I was looking for what to expect.  I was looking, well for who knows what.  You don't know what you need when something so traumatic happens.  The monthly meetings though, they have helped.  Being able to relate to other people, to know what I'm feeling isn't crazy.  To know I'm not alone going through this.  To see others surviving.  It brings hope, and I can usually take away something from each session, which helps me through my journey.

The BabyCenter forums have helped me a lot.  There are several.  The SIDS/Infant Loss board.  The Bereaved Parents board.  The Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss Support board.  Through each board, I have found the support of other women.  Some who had a recent loss like mine, others who have been helping others after their own loss which occur a long time ago.  Through these boards, I developed a need to help others, and offer an alternative to the darkness that surrounds loss.  Somehow bring a ray of hope.  Through these boards, I also discovered several blogs that have helped me.

Fish Bite Moonbeams is the blog written by Krystal, mom to angels Conner and Benjamin.  Krystal has taught me that there is still happiness to be found after loss.  That there is still a way to think about my son, and smile.  That there is still a way to connect with him even though he is not physically with me.  She writes beautifully, shares a lot of pictures, so much so, that I now feel like I've known her forever.  She is my friend.  Krystal lost her twin boys, Conner and Benjamin on 1/10/14.  They were born breathing and were with her and her husband for a little while until they passed that same day.  She also deals has had fertility treatments.

HereComesTheSun. is Nora's blog.  Nora writes poignant letters to her daughter Josie on a consistent basis.  She tells her about the world, about her feelings, about her memories.  She teaches her about life, mothering her the way one should.  I'm still playing catch up on the older posts of Nora's blog, but I believe she miscarried her daughter early in 2014.  I apologize if the information is incorrect, but that's what I remember reading.  Her loss though, just like any loss, is just as significant as any other, and I admire the truth and openness Nora has about her feelings, her journey.  I find a lot of strength and motivation by reading Nora's entries.

the lewis note is a blog written by Rachel. Rachel writes with a lot of passion.  Her posts touch me deeply.  Rachel is the mama to 4 angels - Olivia, Caleb, Elliott and Sophie Grace.  She's dealt with these incredible losses on top of infertility.  She's a mom to her daughter Maddy as well as a foster mom.  There's a lot of strength there.  A lot of motivation.  A lot of love.  I aspire to be as good a person as Rachel.

Resources.  They are all around us.  We often take them for granted - water, air, iron, sun.  Our friends and family along with other people through we meet through the magic of the internet are great resources.  Don't be afraid to reach out, or look for help - for blogs that might help you realize, that you aren't alone in your journey, whatever it might be.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 7: Sacred Place

I can't say I have a sacred place where I feel like I'm closer to Preston.  Maybe Preston's Garden, but I haven't spent that much time on the garden, and usually, when I'm doing so, I'm not actually thinking of Preston.  I'm tending to the branches that need to be trimmed, weeds that need to be plucked and vegetables that need to be harvested.

It's hard to pinpoint a place where I feel closer to him because I think about him everywhere.  When I'm driving, when I'm walking, when I'm at work, at home - in the family room, kitchen, bedroom.  I suppose if any room was to be his sacred place it would be his nursery, though he spent more time in the living room and our bedroom in a bassinet.  It's still really hard to go into his bedroom, so I can't say that in this moment, it feels like our sacred place.  Seven months later, the door remains closed 99% of the time.

I do feel pretty close to him when we go for a walk in the park where there's a lot of trees, wildflowers and birds.  Even around the neighborhood, as we see bunnies laying in the soft grass of neighboring lawns.  Over the last couple days, I've been blessed with a couple signs, which have made me feel like Preston is telling me, this trip I'm going on, it's okay to go.  He'll be with me even if his ashes stay at home.  I had two friends contact me out of the blue telling me they were thinking about Preston.  One last night, one tonight.  Paula, Liz - thank you!  On my way home, I saw two horizontal rainbows.  I've only ever seen that one other time, on the train in April.  I tried to capture it with my phone again, and the same result, it just looks like a beam of light in the sky.  But they were there, two horizontal rainbows on either sides of the setting sun.  Perhaps, it was a sign for me alone, a sign that is not for anyone else.  I went to the mailbox today, not something I do every day, and this bunny hopped into the street, long enough for me to notice him and then he hopped right back onto the lawn he had been chilling on.

Undeniably, I think I'll always find a way to think about Preston, and make him feel close to me, to my heart.  The signs always help, but I think about him regardless, every day.  I will for the rest of my life.  Hopefully one day, maybe I can have that sacred place where I feel it's really only me and Preston.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 6: Books

I've always loved reading.  When I was younger, it was series like "The Babysitters Club", and "Sweet Valley High".  I enjoyed the random Agatha Christie novel which led me to take a liking for the suspense genre.  Mysteries, enigmas, crime.  And justice.  I can't say that any of the books I read ended with the bad guy getting away.  Without resolve.  Maybe that's why I haven't really picked up a book since Preston's passing.  There's no answer to the injustice of losing my child.  There's no why.. how does that even work?

I've received several books regarding loss, grief, and finding ways to cope.  From co-workers, from my parents.  Maybe I even received "Heaven is for Real" from my parents before we lost Preston.  I didn't have the heart to read it before, and I still don't have the heart to read it.  I'll get there one day.  I know I will.  That time, just isn't now.

I haven't picked up a book, but I did try to read one, through Amazon's Kindle app on my phone, as I ride the train.  I've just found it hard to get into.  The book is called "Saving Grace", but Pamela Fagan Hutchins.  It's about a woman who loses her parents to an accident while they are vacationing in the Caribbean.  She goes on a journey to that same island, to find peace in their passing, but becomes increasingly suspicious that what happened to them was more than just an accident.  I wanted to slowly get back into reading.  I wanted something that wasn't so much related to losing a child, but still dealt with loss.  I started the book 2 months ago and I'm not even half way through, so I guess I have a ways to go still, until I'm able to get back into reading whether it be about grief, loss or suspense.  One day at a time.

I have however read a lot about loss, grief, losing a child, coping, other people's experiences.  I've found a lot of blogs that I've really been able to relate too.  I feel like I've forged friendships with these other bereaved parents.  People I would have never met, if not for Preston.  And really, while I would prefer that we all have our babies, alive and kicking than to know these individuals, I'm really thankful that Preston and their little ones, have joined our paths together.  My journey would be very different, if not for Krystal, Nora, Rachel, Sarah, and Melissa.  There are many that I've read, and continue to read, but these have been the ones that have kept me going.  And while I consider you friends, thanks to the gift of reading, I hope you do as well.  I wish nothing more for us to not have crossed paths because of the reason we did, but, know that I'm eternally grateful.