6 bunnies

Over a month ago, on a day where I had an OB appointment, I had one of those days.  Full of doubts about how my baby was doing.  I was at that point in the pregnancy where most of the symptoms, such as morning sickness, had faded away.  I was at that point, where the baby was small which meant that I wasn't feeling any movement.

I feel blessed that the day my mind started to worry, for no real reason, was on the day where I could request an ultrasound if I wanted.  On my train ride, I talked to Preston.  I told him I was worried, and that I wished he could tell me that everything was ok.  Almost instantly, I saw a bunny.  In the middle of downtown, on the grass surrounding one of the courthouses.  I thought, what a coincidence.  When we were further out from the city, I saw another bunny.  And then another, and 3 others.  None were in the same area.  I could have missed all of them, considering the speed the light rail goes at, and keeping in mind that the mind and eyes easily wander.

It was no accident.  I've never seen that many on my train ride home.  I've never seen a bunny at the courthouse, and since seeing me, trust me, I keep looking.  This was my son telling me, he is watching over his sibling.  This was my son telling me not to worry, that he is a guardian angel.

I don't know that I'll ever completely stop worrying, considering how suddenly Preston was taken away from us, but since seeing the 6 bunnies, I really haven't worried much.  And I certainly didn't worry yesterday before the 20 week scan.  If anything, I had butterflies, for the first time with this pregnancy.

The anatomy scan was wonderful.  Everything looked great, and baby is growing at a good pace.  We really could not have gotten better news.  No abnormalities, no unpleasant surprises, nothing to worry about.  In addition, I started feeling the baby move over the course of the past couple days.  Hubby even felt little kicks on Tuesday night.

And yes, of course, what you've been waiting for... we did find out what we are having.  Preston will be big brother, guardian angel to a little girl.

Meet Squirmy..... I mean, meet Samantha. <3  She appears to be trying to scratch her nose with her foot. :)

Chasing bunny-looking doggies

We ended up getting close to nine inches of snow last night.  More than the six, I'd seen last night.  My car was buried and the roads promised to be slippery.  My sweet hubby was so kind to drive me to the train station in the F150.  There's a reason we bought it after all.

It was incredible.  Totally unexpected.  It took me by surprise and made me smile.  As we made our way down Meadows Parkway, we had to stop due to a red light.  A dreaded red light.  The one by the hospital.  I looked out my window to the right as to avoid staring at the hospital to our left.  And there it was.  A little bunny hopping along the recently plowed sidewalk, in the bitter coldness of the morning.  I couldn't believe by eyes!  I haven't seen a bunny since late October or early November.  It reinforced that thought I had about yesterday's snow storm.  It really was from Preston.  How can I even doubt it now?  Thank you my love.  Thank you for letting me know I shouldn't doubt my gut, even for something as subjective as signs from the beyond.

I listened to Pandora as the train went on it's merry way, as I do most mornings.  "Numb" played, reminding me that I don't know what life expects from me.  It was followed by "The Middle" which has helped me smile on rough days since the loss of my son.  I am most certainly in the "middle of the ride", doing my best to ride this wave that seems to have stabilized.  For now.  I know it will change.  You can't fool me anymore.

I skipped the next couple songs because they were too angry for my mood this morning .  I was still floating on a cloud from having seen that bunny rabbit.  "Can't Hurry Love" came on after another song or two.  I listened to it for awhile, but had to stop.  I was getting emotional as I felt this was a lesson I would have tried to teach Preston - you really can't hurry love.  I was just about ready to hit "skip song" again until I heard that familiar guitar strum.  "Iris".  Tears filled my eyes.  It'd been so many weeks of not hearing it.  So many times I'd skipped songs hoping to hear it.  Hearing it today... after yesterday's snow storm. After Mr. Bunny's sighting.  Serendipity?  I'm afraid not.  A sign.  A clear sign.

I listened to the live version of Iris.  I tried keeping my composure on the train but I know I shed some tears.  And then, "A Song for Mama" followed "Iris".  So much for composure.  I've heard this song just 3 times.  Right before Mother's Day.  A day before Christmas.  Today.  I just cannot ignore that this is a sign from my little boy.  I didn't want to be Mom.  Or Momma.  Or Maman.  I was his Mama.  Just makes this song that much more powerful for me.

I wish I could have taught Preston so many things.  How to walk.  How to talk.  How to count and how to recite the alphabet.  How to swim and how to dance.  Instead, it seems it's the other way around.  He teaches me all the time.  Teaches me to have faith in God, and in Heaven.  Teaches me how deep love can be.  Teaches me compassion, understanding, sorrow.  He may not be here, but Preston's not too far either.  Keep chasing those bunny-looking doggies.  I'll keep my eyes open for them.

Never gonna go a day without you

Fills me up just thinking about you

I'll never go a day without my mama

Mama, mama, you know I love you

Mama, mama, you're the queen of my heart

Your love is like tears from the stars

Mama, I just want you to know

Loving' you is like food to my soul

Right back at you sweetheart.

Humbled

I felt really humbled last night.  I felt humbled as I realized just how much Preston has made an impact on other people's lives.  I felt proud of how much his little life has brought a ray of sunshine into the lives of my friends and family.  I am one proud mama.

We were on our way to poker when we saw a very faint rainbow, but nonetheless, it made me think of Preston.  As hubby didn't quite understand the meaning of a "rainbow baby", I explained to him that I think that babies who are conceived after a loss, are like a rainbow after a storm.  It's a symbol of hope.  Preston was a rainbow baby and he loved colors so it feels natural for rainbows to remind me of my son.

After I posted the picture of the faint rainbow on Facebook, I received several notifications from friends where I had been tagged in a rainbow picture.  Jamie, Tina and Jon, thank you for sharing that the rainbows you saw made you think of Preston.  It really means so much to me to be a witness to how my baby continues to live on through my thoughts and especially, so many people's thoughts.  It means a lot to me that you hold him close to your heart, and in return you are holding Brett and I close to you as well.

This isn't the first time I've been witness to how others think of Preston when they see a rainbow, or bunnies.  Sherri has sent me a rainbow picture, as has Cynthia.  Dana has sent me pictures of a bunny.  I've been witness to Charles pointing to a rainbow saying, "Preston", while Kate says, "where's the bunny?".

To many people, it might sound silly, but to me, it really sunk in yesterday that you guys really do think of Preston and remember him and smile when you see a rainbow and bunnies.  Many people might say, well rainbows and bunnies are everywhere, it's not really a "sign".  That thought actually crosses my mind all the time.  But you know what, it is a sign.  It is a sign that he is living on through all of us.  It is a sign that his life really is spreading happiness around the world.  It is a sign, that there was a beautiful purpose to his life even if it was cut incredibly short.  It is a sign that, as long as we are willing, he will be there to remind us, that while life can be difficult, there's always something to smile amount.

All this was reinforced by this little feather on our deck this morning.  Beautiful, little white feather... like that from a tiny angel.  Thank you all for keeping Preston close to your heart. <3

Was that you?

Preston, was that you, my sweet little boy, when I looked down to write something at work a few weeks ago when I saw a bright light for a second by my fingers?  It was only for a moment but my first instinct was to think of you.

Was that you, my sweet P, this morning, when I was backing out of the drive-way and saw a bunny standing vigil on the right side of the house, and as I turned to the other side to ensure the coast was clear, there was another bunny standing vigil on the left side of the house?

Was that you, my ray of sunshine, when I caught a glimpse of a really bright light through the patio door, just a few hours ago, as the storm was moving away from our house?

Was that you, my little boy, on Mother's Day, when we got one of the biggest snow storms of the year?  I really wanted to stay home that day and didn't want to go anywhere.  Home is where I feel closest to you.

Was that you, my sweetie pie, who offered me rainbows on days when I seemed to need it most?

Was that you, my lovey dovey, who sent me a meaningful song on Pandora, right before Mother's Day (Song For Mama).  And other days, was that you, when several songs in a row played one after the other, reminding me of you?  Whether because I sang them to you, or because when I would hear them they would make me think of you?

Was that you, my happy baby, who sent my aunt a dream telling her my grand-mere was watching over you?   And was that you, who was in my friend's dream, when she never got the pleasure of meeting you?

Was that you, when we received a gift from our insurance company for referring someone else to them, who sent a dime on the back of their business card?  Finding dimes are supposed to be a sign from a passed loved one.

Is it you, Preston, who somehow lifts me up enough to keep going, even when it feels like part of me is forever gone?  Is it you, who gives me a reason to smile every day, when it would be totally understandable if I never wanted to smile again?  Is it you, who gives me this inspiration to want to help others, by sharing my true feelings, thoughts, emotions?  Is it you, who gives me motivation to be a better person, work hard and live life to the fullest?  Is it you, who has brought a lot of people closer to me, and made me feel really loved and cared about?

I wish I truly knew the answer to all those questions.  I wish I could ask you, ask God, and have you or Him answer me back.  But, that's not how faith works and that makes it incredibly difficult.

Since I did instantly think of you when all those things happened, deep inside, I do believe it was you.  Maybe I only think that way because it gives me a reason to continue to feel close to you.  Maybe I believe it because it gives me a reason to want to see tomorrow and hope that I get a sign from you.  Maybe, even if I'm not entirely sure of my faith, I have more faith than I realize.

Whatever the truth is, my exceptionally special little one, you changed my life forever.  When you entered it and when you left it.  You made me a better person.  You made me more caring, more understanding, and somehow more patient.  You made me more brave and strong.  You made me understand empathy to a whole new level.  You made me appreciate everything around me so much more.  You made me a mama, something no one will ever be able to take that away from me.