On day 14, Carly Marie wants us "acknowledge the dark and the light sides of grief". I think that's a great way to describe grief - dark and light. I often refer to it as a roller coaster ride. The high, light notes where you feel at peace. Where you are able to smile, find happiness, find the gratitude in life. The low, dark moments, where you feel constant anger, pain and guilt.
Have there been moments where everything falls apart? They are happening less, but they happen. Preston's room is a place where I always seem to fall apart. Looking at his crib, where his imprint remains. Looking at all his things jumbled into a small room, where you can no longer walk through easily. A room that used to be filled with joy, feedings, laughter and story time. A room where we bonded. And now, the door remains closed, as if it hides dirty secrets. Yet, it remaining open, is too difficult to bear. One day, will a little brother or sister claim this room as their own? Will we be able to transform it into a new room? Will we keep part of the nursery the same or will we revamp it all together? One day, we will have to answer that question. Until then, the room will remain a difficult space. A dark place even though I know deep inside, that it is still filled with happiness. It's just damped by the sadness of the events of March 13th.
Moments of light? On our recent vacation, we drove from Albany, NY to Cooperstown, NY through a beautiful scenic route. Trees of orange, red, yellow, brown and green. Farm after farm. Small towns here and there. And then there was this little road that took us into a forest. The light was dampened by the leaves above us, but sparkled onto the lake to our left. What feeling of peace. It was breathtaking. And then, we were in the village of Cooperstown. It beamed of history. Old brick buildings. Quiet streets, with little shops. We visited the Baseball Hall of Fame of course. It would have been nice to have Preston with us, and I think for a little bit, our minds and heart may have gotten a rest... like we were in an alternate reality. Reminiscing of our road trip last year when I was pregnant with Preston. And while I feel some guilt for not thinking about Preston every minute of every day, I know he knows I have to live my life. I have to be able to have "normal" moments, enjoy my life. And I think that this vacation showed me that I can have a happy life with happy moments. I enjoyed time with family. I enjoyed the drive with my husband. I enjoyed the visit with friends. I enjoyed just walking around Manhattan with Brett. I thought of Preston every day, but I didn't let the sadness of losing him plague every moment of our vacation. I will forever think of Preston every day. I will forever remember what his short life brought to me. I will always be thankful that God blessed me with such a precious baby boy. He's opened my eyes to all the beauty that is around us. He's taught me that happiness lives all around me - we just have to open our eyes and heart to it.
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