March Madness

No I'm not talking about basketball.

I've been totally dreading the month of March.  So many triggers.  So many changes.  So much to adapt to.

In 11 days, it will have been 2 years since we lost our son.  2 years... where does the time go?  I honestly can't believe that it has been that long.  And at the same time, it feels like AGES ago since I last saw Preston's sweet smile.  Since I last kissed his forehead and rocked him to sleep.  It's maddening really.

In a handful of days, Samantha starts daycare.  I'm not looking forward to it at all.  It's frightening because Preston was at daycare (mind you a different daycare) when he stopped breathing.  It's scary because I won't be there every minute to check on her.  It's so difficult because I don't know how she'll react, or handle it.  Her first day, is going to be a long day for me.  Her first month will be difficult.  The first year... I just don't feel ready... but life isn't about being ready is it?

I return to work in a week.  While my mind is ready for the stimulation, and the hectic every day work... my heart isn't.  Ahead of schedule, I am reminding myself that the days will fly by.  That I will be surrounded by people who support me and care about me.  I remind myself that I will have tons of pictures that I can hang up to make missing Sami a little less painful.

It is a lot to deal with.  I'm not ready... but ready or not... March is here.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

One moment at a time.  Life is so precious.  Life is so fragile.  I've known that for a long time, and I'm reminded of it every day.  The first month back to work is probably going to be really difficult.  And all I can do, is take it slow.  Love every minute that I get with Sami.  And just try to remain calm in the meantime.

Preston, mama misses you daily.  I wish you were here...

To everyone out there, hug and kiss your loved ones.  Tell them you love them.  Life is precious... more than you know.

Positively February: Day 27

"To get up when you are down, to fight more intensely when you are struggling; to put in the extra effort when you are in sheet pain, to comeback when nobody expects you to, and to stand tall when everyone is pulling you down are what make a champion." - Apoorve Dubey

So many quotes still unshared, many that I saved throughout the month of January in preparation for this event I named Positively February.  I guess there are some I opted not to use, because while inspirational, they didn't have enough positivity tied to them.  I found this quote today and I just had to share it.  I've never heard of Apoorve Dubey, but the Internet being the amazing tool that it is, enlightened me rather quickly.  Mr. Dubey is an entrepreneur and the author of an international bestseller "The Flight of Ambition".  Another book to add to my "to read" list.

A champion.  I tend to associate champions with sports.  Perhaps it comes from being from a city that reveres hockey like a religion.  The Stanley Cup Champions... I remember seeing the Canadiens hoist the cup in 1993.  It was marvelous.  The Olympics carve the path for new champions, or returning champions.  They are crowned with medals.

I've learned that champions shouldn't only be attributed to sports stars, phenoms of a discipline.  Champions exist all around you.  Hitting rock bottom and finding a way to rise again, no matter what that all-time low might be.  Trying when all the odds are stacked against you.  Not letting the pain stop you from living.  Doing what you have to do to keep going.  We are champions.  We are amazing individuals for enduring the pain that is the loss of a baby.

And we aren't champions on day 1.  Sometimes, we aren't champions every day.  Sometimes it takes years to achieve, other times it takes months.  There's no timeline.  Look to those days where you reign in all your willpower to do more than you've previously done.  Use those days where you triumph over the pain of your loss to motivate you and prove to yourself that you can and will survive.  Easy to do?  Not at all.  It's a struggle.  It's a tough, tough battle.  But you can do it.

I can't say I've felt people pulling me down while going through this journey of grief, but I know many women who've lost a baby who have had people tell them that they should move on.  People that wonder why they aren't over the loss "yet".  People who think that because the loss was early, that it doesn't really count.  These people are wrong.  All losses matter.  You start to love, yearn and parent a child as soon as you know you are pregnant.  No life is more important than another, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I don't often feel like a champion.  After all, I stumble through each day missing my son more and more as time flies on by.  I do have days where I feel stronger than others.  This month has been pretty incredible actually...which is what I needed heading into March.  I quite honestly don't want to turn over the calendar page.  Maybe in needs to be February just a while longer.  Or maybe I need to flip to April.  Unfortunately, whether I turn the page or not, March will be here on Sunday.  In 15 days, my son will have been gone a year... A year!  That sounds absurd.

With all that I am, I will channel my inner champion.  I will channel your inner champions to lift me up through this difficult month.  And once again, I remind myself.. I've lived through the impossible and I'm still standing.  I've got a good track record for getting through sad days - 100% actually.  I will survive. I can and I will.