Breaking the Silence - Part I: Mentioning my child's name

My absolute worst fear came true.  I prayed and prayed every night for God to watch over my son, Preston. I prayed He would watch over Preston as he slept, while my husband and I weren't there or were asleep ourselves.  My prayer was answered for 16 weeks but on March 13th, my little boy did not wake up from an afternoon nap while at daycare.  There is no reason.  There is no one to blame.  That perhaps makes it harder.

I've been blessed with having an amazing support system throughout this painful experience.  Unfortunately, not everyone has the same.  There are many parents out there who actually have to deal with cruelty on top of ignorance when it comes to losing their baby.  I'm hoping that we can create better support systems for others who unfortunately will walk down the path that I am currently living through.  Some walking through it this path experience a loss during pregnancy, but it is a loss nonetheless.  It is no more or less of a loss. 

Don't get me wrong.  I don't want everyone to understand exactly what it is to lose a child, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss.  The only way to truly understand is to live it, and I wish no one ever had to live through it.  Sadly, reality had proved these things will continue to happen, which is why I believe it is a great reason to start breaking the silence.  There are many other taboo subjects that are much more mentionable now when you compare it to 20 years ago.  Take AIDS and suicide for example.  They are much more prevalent in discussions.  And not in a derogatory way.  There are fundraisers to raise money in the hopes of finding a cure for AIDS.  There is a lot of talk about mental health, especially in the light of Robin Williams' recent death.  While there will always be cruel people out there ready to take stabs at people who are grieving, suffering or struggling, I believe the majority of people are good hearted.  If these topics are now less controversial to mention, isn't it foreseeable that we could make miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss less of a forbidden topic?

In the first part of this Breaking the Silence series, I'd like to tackle the following subject: Mentioning my child's name (or my pregnancy).  I believe that many people who have not experienced a loss think that saying Preston's name will bring me to endless tears and send me into a downward spiral of pain.  Hearing my son's name mentioned does not remind me of his death.  I think about him every day and I know that he is no longer around.  I suppose I could be caught off-guard if someone mentioned his name, and it could subsequently make me cry, but it doesn't mean that you've reminded me of his death.  It doesn't even mean that I'm crying tears of sadness.  You could totally move me in a positive way by mentioning his name, bringing me to happy tears.  The fact that you think of him, or that you thought about my pregnancy, it makes me happy.  It means he's impacted your life, if only a little.  He left a footprint in our world.  He is doing what I think he was born to do - spread happiness.  "There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world".

There are instances where hearing Preston's name could be hurtful, like if someone said: "Preston's in a better place"... No, no he's not.  But, anything like: "I thought of Preston today", or "I think Preston would have liked this", or even "I dreamt of Preston" and "I think of you and Preston a lot".  These things mean the world to me.  They are touching and to a certain extent, bring me peace.

To assist in my goal of breaking the silence that revolves around mentioning the name of an angel baby, whether this baby became an angel in utero or after being born, I posed the following questions to fellow angel mamas on the "BabyCenter" forums:  How do you feel when someone mentions your baby's name and/or your pregnancy?  How do you feel when no one mentions your baby's name and/or pregnancy?  I received several answers and several of these answers are below.  I am hoping that these testimonies will aid everyone in seeing how important it is to break the silence that surrounds miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant loss.

One mama said the following:

When people mention my pregnancy my first reaction is to be sad but once I start talking about them it actually makes me feel better.  By talking about them it reminds me that yes they were real and as much as it hurt to go through two miscarriages they actually made me stronger, a better mother to my 6 year old, and they have brought me and my husband so much closer.  If I didn't talk about them it would feel as they never existed and they did.  I have two angel babies that I will forever love and will think about everyday.  I wouldn't want them to be a secret.

Another mama that I have gotten to know pretty well, Kerri, shared that no one talks about the daughter she lost four years ago, little Jaylynn.  She shared that having no one in her life that mentions her little angel hurts and drives her crazy. It might have happened four years ago, but she still loves Jaylynn and wants to talk about her always and forever.

Another mama share:

No one brings up my Benjamin to me.  I was 15 weeks pregnant and although tiny, I delivered him & held him and loved him.  I had him cremated and he is at home with his family.  I want to talk about him.  No one does.  When I try to talk about him I am ignored or shut down and the topic is quickly changed.  I have learned not to talk about him. (...) I hope no one ever feels as alone as I have in the loss of my child.  What should be taboo is people not acknowledging a life and death and grieving family.  No matter how big or small that life was.

As you can see from these comments, many families deal with not being able to share their pain.  They are unable to mention the life they created and carried, even if for a short while.  They are already grieving the loss of a baby, and have no one to talk to.  They are "shut down" and pushed away.  It is understandable that the subject of miscarriage, stillbirth and child loss are painful ones.  Keep in my that grieving parents already deal with daily pain.  Letting them talk about their child releases some of that pain, and helps them acknowledge that their baby existed.  Is there a reason the world should be so closed to hearing their story?

More testimonies?

Nobody brings up my loss- at all.  Not once since it happened.  (...)  After I came home from the hospital, they changed the subject each time something pregnancy related came up in a conversation.  Even now (almost seven months later), it's still an awkward subject for them...  It just makes me feel... I don't know, guilty in a way?  That I'm putting them in such a difficult place.  I wish the subject wasn't so taboo, and that people were okay to talk about it.  I feel so alone, and I miss my baby every day.  It sucks that I feel like I'm the only one who remembers him/her.

I love talking about my Silas...I think it makes others uncomfortable how open and comfortable I am talking about my angels (...) but I'm never silent about them. 

My baby Madelyn was born at 28 weeks and only survived for a few hours.  I just returned to work last week.  Everyone was instructed not to ask me about her but I kind of wish they would.  Despite the fact that it's sad and it might make me cry, I love talking about her.  I feel like talking about her keeps her memory alive and if no one does then she will be forgotten.  I have a picture of her on my desk and I wish people would tell me how beautiful she was.  I wear a necklace with an imprint of her footprints and I wish people would use it to start conversation about her.  I know they are just worried that it will upset me.  I guess I have to start talking about her to let them know that it's ok.

People don't know what to say, or say the wrong things.  Our culture denies death and grief.  We need to be educators for other people.  We need to tell them what to say, what not to say, what we need from them.  They do not know.  We only know because we are feeling this way.  I wish people would get more comfortable with appropriate talk.  Breaking the silence is very important. 

So perhaps part of breaking the silence lies on the shoulders of the grieving parents?  For sure, I think that it's definitely part of the equation.  If none of us bring our children up, it's highly possible that others won't either.  They could be under the impression that it's too painful.  They also very well may have forgotten.  Out of sight, out of mind?  But, really I think it's a battle that we have to face together.  As grieving parents, mention your child.  As friends, family, co-workers, just be there to listen.  If you do think about your grieving friend or their baby, tell them.  They need love and support.  And often the support they need is to talk.  Talk about their experience.  Talk about their pregnancy, or their baby.  Words of encouragement to tell their story, or talk about their baby, might be all they need from you.

One mama I've gotten to know, shared that when she and her husband decided to share the name they had found for their little girl gone too soon, Joanna Marsali, her family just looked uncomfortable.  She also mentioned sharing a picture on Facebook, one containing her husband's shoes, her shoes, and empty space and her daughter's shoes with the quote "Three sets of shoes on Earth and one in Heaven".  Every one was later acting as if there were walking on eggshells around her.  All this to say, that it's very hard for her to try and share her story, or anything about her little angel Joanna, because the feedback she gets is so negative and closed off.  Like mentioned above, it's not just about the grieving parents sharing their stories, it's about us as a society being able to listen.  Listen without prejudice.  Listen with only the intention to take in what is being said.  Listen to show you care.   

These testimonies really should make us think.  Think about what we need to do, to be more open to listening to the stories of grieving families.

I wish people would ask me about my experience with the birth and what we went through after.  I think if people knew more they would understand more, sure if I talk about it, I may cry but I am still happy to get it out.  I often ask myself "do they know we had him cremated?" "Do they know I had arrangements made for him?"  People at work and most of my family don't even know his name.  Sometimes I say his name out loud when I'm alone just to hear it.

I lost a 4 month old to lung disease..  I honestly only talk about him to my 2 close friends and my niece.. everyone else just doesn't get it.. (...)  Think before you talk.. people always say I can have another like he was a candy bar and I can just pick one up at the store.. I really wish I could talk about him more.. but to save myself from going off.. I don't bring him up much. :-(

The first week people asked how I was, but not about Hunter.  Now 9 months later, I feel like no one remembers him.  (...)  It's hard, my mom tell everyone she has 10 grandchildren.  I want to yell and say no you have more but they are not here. 

Other than my mom I have no one else to talk to about my loss. (...) 

(My husband's family) are closed books emotionally.  His mother doesn't deal well with any emotional issue and as a result she has not spoken to me once since I had our baby.  In the three week lead up to our baby's arrival when I started leaking amniotic fluid she only spoke to me to say it would be 'fine'.  It feels very isolating.  (...) I just want to shout at his family that our baby is real! (...) As the ladies who have previously commented said, I want to talk about our baby.  What makes it hard at the moment is that we are still waiting for gender tests to come back. (...) Perhaps people find it harder to relate to us at the moment because we can't call our baby by their name?  Or maybe I'm making excuses for them? (...) One of my closest friends recently asked me to tell her all about our baby and whether she could see pictures.  That meant the world.

Midnight shared:

No one asks about Chris... And it makes me sad... He existed... No one has mentioned thinking of him, or knowing that its getting closer to his angelversary/bday... And it hurts...  I talk about Jade and Chris because they existed, because I'm proud of my sons... Because I refuse to act like they didn't exist, like they didn't have an impact on my life...  I really wish that people that knew would ask about him... I love that I can come on here and talk about him and you guys will talk back with me and ask questions.  It makes me feel less alone when people ask of my angels.

As you can see, many mamas just want to share their story.  They want to share their babies with the world.  Much like mamas with living children like to share their baby's firsts, and beautiful pictures.  When you are the mom to an angel baby, you don't have too much to share, but that need is still there and it's not often met. 

I've mentioned before that we think about our babies every day.  One mom shares that no one calls her, or texts her, no one brings up her loss at all.  It feels "over", but it's not over for her.  Every day, there's that mental calculation that reminds her how much closer she'd be to having her baby.  Yet, he's buried in the woods with his sibling.  She states that the lack of acknowledgement towards the loss, makes your life even more hellish.  "The more quiet it is the more it hurts".

What a true statement.  If I couldn't mention Preston to anyone, I'd feel like he was forgotten.  I'd feel like the pain was even more difficult to deal with.  I'd certainly feel alone.  While I personally enjoy quiet things, quiet certainly can be isolating and lonely.  I can't sleep without having the tv on in the background.  The silence reminds me that I am not holding a baby monitor in my hand listening for anything out of the ordinary or a simple cry from Preston.

There are many more testimonies that I could share, but I will keep them for another day.  I think I've made the point I wanted to make.  Silence is like a blade in the already broken heart of grieving parents.  Not being able to mention our baby's name without getting the "I don't want to talk about this" look, or having the subject changed can make us feel like we are being quarantined.  Not hearing anyone mention our pregnancies or angels can make us feel like we can't share our stories.  While I personally don't feel ready to share the story of losing Preston, I think knowing that when I am ready, my support system will be there for me, makes it better.  If I didn't think I could share my story, it would make a difficult situation impossibly agonizing.

So, share this entry with everyone you know.  Your friends, your family, your co-workers, your neighbors, friends of friends.  Put it out there that we need to start taking steps in breaking the silence that surrounds losing a baby.  Put it out there that no matter how early the loss is, parents need support, they need to talk about their baby and they need to feel like their baby is acknowledged.

Dedicated to angels all across the world: Jaylynn, Benjamin, Madelyn, Elowen Bay (Ellie), Arabella Grace, Jenna Faye, Egypt, Silas, Joanna Marsali, Malakye, Samuel, Chris, Jade, Beanie, Hunter, Maliah, Joseph Dale, Diego Ramon, Victoria Lynn, Jaxson, Vida, Amia, Sadie, Anthony, Joaquin, Henry, Jacob, Abigail, Gabriel, Micah, Rain, Sophie, Davis, Arsn, Lylah Celeste, Michael, Angela, Ava Hope, Brianna Mae, Lilian, Maria, Matthew, Katie Ann, Jacob, Gabriella Faith, Ace Hope, Connor, Bella Rose, Zayra Rayne, Eddie Floyd, Hope, Hannah, Harper, Madison, Peanut, Deona Marie, Luna, Angel Ray, Davey Jr., Barrett, Anthony, Sam, Emma, Sammuel, Kamryn Michael-Wayne, Sara Brielle, Betty Jean, Xochitl, Salem, Jeffrey, Ryder, Devlin, Benjamin, Connor and of course, my two angels, Baby H and Preston.