Another month goes by...

It's the 13th again.  I tried not to be sad today, but it was very difficult.  Preston was on my mind all day.  His little smile was just floating in my mind, wanting to see it so badly.  While today was a good productive day, I feel like I may have been in a fog at the same time.  It's been five months now.  Five whole months without my sweet little boy.  Five long months with empty arms.  Five eternal months serving as a reminder that our lives are forever changed.

Change is difficult.  I've never been one to be afraid of change.  I feel like I adapt fairly well to any type of change.  Is it easy?  It's never really easy to change, or deal with change.  But, my husband taught me many years ago, that nothing good comes easy, perhaps a metaphor to say, if something is easy, it won't be as rewarding than overcoming the difficulties in life.  Things changed a lot for me when I first moved to the States.  I didn't know anyone.  I wasn't familiar with my surroundings.  I didn't have a job, couldn't have a job for 6 months.  The air was different.  The scenery was vastly different.  It was a really big adjustment and I had a lot of difficulties with motivation.  Motivation to cook, to go out, to develop a cleaning routine around the house.  Looking back, I feel like I may have started going into a mild depression.  I'd ripped myself away from the life I'd known for 25 years and everything was now new.  Things changed though when I started working again.  I feel like perhaps the lack of purpose from not having a job just took it's toll on me along with all the others changes I had to deal with all at once. 

I've had to deal with change a lot relating to dealing with Crohn's.  I had to deal with constantly changing my diet depending on the amount of pain I was having.  The higher the pain, the more nausea I got, the weaker I felt; it usually meant that I was having a flare-up.  My intestines became inflamed.  I had to go on very bland diets.  Every now and then I had to go to the hospital and ended up on a Prednisone regimen; ah the devil pill.. can't say I miss you.  And then, I had to slowly re-integrate certain foods.  Sometimes, I knew right away, that no, I couldn't have that food and I'd have to wait several months to try again.  It was a constant game of change and adapting.

This latest change in my life, losing my son, requires more adapting than I've ever had to deal with.  It's realizing every day, that no, your child isn't here anymore.  It's dealing with handfuls of different triggers every day.  It's surviving.  It's learning to still take care of myself and my husband, instead of taking care of my son.  It's allowing my mind to concentrate on different things every day to not go crazy with grief, guilt and despair.  It's trying to find reasons to smile, reasons to laugh, reasons to be happy, reasons to want to help others.

I have many reasons to smile.  I have the best husband (no offense to any other guy out there).  I have wonderful, understanding friends and family who care about me.  This goes hand in hand with having a fabulous support system throughout this whole nightmare.  I have a great job that I love.  My Crohn's is in remission.

I have many reasons to laugh.  The silly things Brett says to me every day.  TV shows I watch.  The funny cat and dog pictures me and my co-workers exchange.  Things I read on the web on a daily basis.

I have reasons to be happy.  Many overlap with the things I wrote above.  In addition though, I carried a special little boy for about 35 weeks.  I cared for my baby for 16 weeks on this Earth.  I learned a whole new side to love.  I have my own personal angel who sends me signs when I need it, who helps me out when times get rough.  Many of the songs I heard today reminded me of my sweet little boy.  I heard the end of "Iris" on the radio this morning as I was parking my car.  I heard it in full on Pandora on my way home from work.  I heard "Fighter" which I would sing to Preston when we would drive home from his daycare.  He was my little fighter after all.  And "Hall of Fame", which for some reason makes me think of Preston.  Perhaps it's the lines "Cause you burn with the brightest  flame, and the world's gonna know your name".  I've said it many times that I want to share Preston with the world.  There were others, but those are the ones that stuck. 

Maybe you think I'm weird for thinking these songs remind me of Preston, or that they find a way to make me happy even when at the same time, they also make me feel sad.  I think songs can be interpreted so many different ways.  Eye of the beholder.  I was blessed to have this little boy in my life, and any reminder that he truly existed, brings me happiness.  Happiness that I need to share. 

Be sad because another month has gone by.  Be sad because the number of months is just going to continue to increase.  Be happy because your life was changed by your baby.  Be happy because change can be good, even when difficult.  I would give up this change I've had to deal with for 5 months for anything in the whole world.  Unfortunately, I don't have a say in the matter, and all I can do, is continue to learn to adapt.  Learn to keep smiling, laughing, sharing.

Miss you little man.  Mama thinks of you every day. xxx