Dust

A storm rolled in this afternoon.  At least, it appeared like a really big snow storm.  Big snow flakes blowing to the south.  When all was said and done though, all that had fallen was a dust of snow as you can attest from the picture above.  As the snow was blowing by our living room window, I was reminded of the storm we got on Mother's Day.  It looked exactly like it did on that day.  It felt exactly the same too, peaceful.

Since Preston's passing, I've often found myself having conflicting thoughts about certain things.  Dust, is one of them.  A dusting of snow to me equates to serenity.  It is pure.  Seeing the snow fall, and letting out a big sigh can be so releasing.  However, when I think of dust, I also am reminded of the dust that is collecting in my sweet P's nursery.  On some of his things that are still in the kitchen, or our bedroom.  Dust shouldn't be collecting on his crib and mattress.  It should be being used every day.  Dust shouldn't be settling on his swing, rocking chair and bouncer.  I don't have to step into his room to know that it is.  I should probably go in there and do a good dusting.  One day, I'm sure.  All I know is that it won't be today, or tomorrow.  Probably not this year.  I've been told by other parents that there is no set time to do anything when you are grieving.  There's no schedule that says "it's been 6 months, you need to pack up the nursery".  Some parents were able to do it a year later.  Some almost 2 years later.  I don't know when that day will be for me.  Or for Brett.  Time will tell, and I try not to dwell on it.

I try, but sometimes I can't help but think about his nursery.  This room where he slept.  Where I rocked him, fed him his bottle and read to him.  This room that was supposed to one day be filled with little race cars, baseball mitts and legos.  It's very difficult to get passed the fact that he'll never know what those things are.  I think that actually, it's not something you really get passed.  It's just something you get used to and most days, you are at peace with it.  Other days, you struggle with that thought, or similar thoughts.  Some days you cry, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Dust can be a thought that brings me peace, but it can also cause a lot of anguish.  This happens with a lot of different things.

Do you think angels come visit at night? Perhaps they sprinkle happy dream dust on our sleepy heads?  Probably not, but I like that thought, and maybe I will think of that as I try to fall asleep tonight.  Sprinkle me with happy dreams, ones that I'd be elated to remember tomorrow morning.

Snow capped

I was doing an online puzzle during my lunch hour today.  It was a winter scene, where the roof of this house was snow capped, with Christmas decorations all around it.  Oddly, this feeling came over me, like a feeling that Christmas would be okay after all.  It made my day.  

And then we went to Target after work.  Christmas decorations are already everywhere you look.  Christmas music is playing.  Christmas is being shoved down our throats, and it's just November 5th!  I've always loved Christmas, the decorations, the lights, the music, but every year, it seems like it is being commercialized even more.  Somehow, because every year, I think that there's no way it can become more commercial than it already is.  The earlier that it can be advertised, the better, stores seem to be saying.  I was actually buying candy on Halloween at the grocery store and most of it was cleared off the shelves, with pallets of Christmas decorations just waiting to be stocked to re-fill the barren shelves.

This year, the thought of Christmas is difficult.  It wasn't going to be Preston's first Christmas, but he was just a peanut last Christmas.  I think he would have enjoyed the lights, the family time, and new toys.  It's also a reminder that he'll never get to believe in Santa Claus.  He'll never get to leave him milk and cookies.  He'll never open a present, has a Christmas Eve feast.  We'll never get to make our own family traditions with him.

Those thoughts make me sad.  It makes me sad that I have friends in the same boat.  However, if I just for a second think about that snow capped roof puzzle I completed earlier today, that feeling of peace returns.  I haven't said this in a long long time, but I am longing for a good snow storm.  The pure white color of the snow.  The silence that seems to come with it in the early morning.  The reminder that Preston lived through snow storms.  We cuddled by the fire.  And he sent me that storm on Mother's Day.  Maybe that first storm will make me cry.  Or maybe it'll make me smile.  Maybe a little of both.  Regardless though, I know I will get through these next couple months.  One day at a time. 

We may not get to make Christmas traditions with Preston present in our lives, but maybe we can still buy him an ornament every year.  Or maybe we can light a candle that will stay lit all day long on Christmas.  We can still create something meaningful to us as a family, which will honor Preston, which will help us include him despite his absence.  It could be a special family time, if we are up for it.  And only time will tell.  What are your favorite holiday traditions?

Floating above the clouds

Coming home, the clouds were just astonishing.  They were floating below the mountains, and somehow at the same time, above them.  Such a feeling of tranquility came over me.  The few pictures I was able to snap don't do justice to what I was so blessed to witness.  It literally felt and looked like I lived in a city above the clouds.  For a moment, it felt like I was driving towards Heaven.  For a split second, I felt like I might see my son.  I kind of hope that this is what Heaven looks like.  Enveloped in the softness and puffiness of white clouds. 

Today, nature left me thunderstruck by its pure beauty.  Today, I am reminded that peace exists all around me.  Today, I am thankful for the fortunate opportunity to get a glimpse at this rare phenomenon.  I long to play in the clouds with Preston.  This gives me hope that the possibility exists.  One can dream.  I think I will sleep well tonight.

Rest in Peace

We all remember where we were September 11, 2001 when the attacks on the twin towers occurred in New York City.  I was reading a book on our front porch.  My mom had just returned from running some errands and told me that she just heard that a plane had just crashed into a building in NYC.  It sounded absurd to me.  How could such an accident happen.  We went inside, and turned on the TV just in time to see the second plane fly disintegrate into the second twin tower. 

What horror.  Pain, sorrow, sadness, fear.  All those feelings erupted inside of me.  Families ripped apart, and for what?

It seems appropriate that today, on day 20 of my 30 days of gratitudes challenge, that I be thankful for peace.  I'm grateful that I've never had to live in a place where war is part of the every day life.  A place where terror is something you feel when you wake up, and go to bed.  I hope to be blessed with living in peace for the rest of my life.  This world can be so ugly.  Filled with men and women who just want to hurt others.  Filled with hatred.  With everything that is going on in Ukraine, and the Middle East, it's a thought that crossed my mind on occasion... will we always live in peace?

I think of our grandparents and think about some of the things they lived through.  Going to war when they were young adults.  Childhoods filled with flying shrapnel and fears of being imprisoned by the Nazis.  Radiation poisoning from bombs going off in their neighborhoods.  This was the case for Brett's grandmother. 

How blessed are we that men and women work to keep the peace for us, sometimes sacrificing their own lives so that others can live in peace?  What courage.  What selflessness. 

I can't help but feel for all the families that were directly affected my the planes crashing into the World Trade Center 13 years ago.  They started their morning like any other day, with no clue about how their lives were just about to be turned upside down.  I feel for them now, more than ever.  I just can't help drawing a parallel between this tragedy, and losing Preston.  That's how my day started.  Just like it had for the past month.  Brett got up and fed Preston while I got ready for work.  I went downstairs and spent about 10 minutes with them before needing to leave for work.  I kiss him on the forehead and left.  Had I known that I would never get to hold his warm wiggly body, I would have done something I've never done before.  I would have played hooky and not gone to work.  Had I known that I'd never get to see him smile, or giggle again... 

Unfortunately, life doesn't quite work that way does it?  We don't know what's in store for us.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring.  That makes it so much more important to do everything possible to make this world a better, happier place.  That makes it so much more important to be grateful for everything that we have, everything that we hold dear - our spouses, our children, our parents and siblings.  Our friends and colleagues.  Our pets and our homes.  Our senses and resources. 

Hug your loved ones today.  Hug them tight.  Eventually, we all lose someone we love... it's the cycle of life.  Sometimes though, we lose under the most unexpected circumstance.  In the most unexpected moments.  Dreams may become shattered and sadness may overwhelm us.  For those of us who have to deal with such a loss, we will forever remain on a roller coaster of emotions.  Sometimes the dips and turns will be much larger than other times.  It's the hope, that with time, the roller coaster ups and downs will have smaller dips.

Rest in peace victims of the 9/11 attacks.  Rest in peace my little angel.