March Madness

No I'm not talking about basketball.

I've been totally dreading the month of March.  So many triggers.  So many changes.  So much to adapt to.

In 11 days, it will have been 2 years since we lost our son.  2 years... where does the time go?  I honestly can't believe that it has been that long.  And at the same time, it feels like AGES ago since I last saw Preston's sweet smile.  Since I last kissed his forehead and rocked him to sleep.  It's maddening really.

In a handful of days, Samantha starts daycare.  I'm not looking forward to it at all.  It's frightening because Preston was at daycare (mind you a different daycare) when he stopped breathing.  It's scary because I won't be there every minute to check on her.  It's so difficult because I don't know how she'll react, or handle it.  Her first day, is going to be a long day for me.  Her first month will be difficult.  The first year... I just don't feel ready... but life isn't about being ready is it?

I return to work in a week.  While my mind is ready for the stimulation, and the hectic every day work... my heart isn't.  Ahead of schedule, I am reminding myself that the days will fly by.  That I will be surrounded by people who support me and care about me.  I remind myself that I will have tons of pictures that I can hang up to make missing Sami a little less painful.

It is a lot to deal with.  I'm not ready... but ready or not... March is here.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

One moment at a time.  Life is so precious.  Life is so fragile.  I've known that for a long time, and I'm reminded of it every day.  The first month back to work is probably going to be really difficult.  And all I can do, is take it slow.  Love every minute that I get with Sami.  And just try to remain calm in the meantime.

Preston, mama misses you daily.  I wish you were here...

To everyone out there, hug and kiss your loved ones.  Tell them you love them.  Life is precious... more than you know.

Positively February 2016: Day 3

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.   - Joseph Campbell

My sweet boy.  I remember the day we had professional pictures taken like it was yesterday.  I'm not good at remembering things vividly.  I remember that day really well.  And after Preston passed, I felt so much guilt.  Guilt for going back to work.  Guilt for sending him to daycare.  Guilt for not spending as much time with him as I could have.  Guilt for not being there for his final moments.  And guilt for wanting a picture of him as an angel.  I thought it would be cute.  And of course it is cute, but I felt and still feel like I tempted fate... given that now Preston is a real angel.

Guilt is one of those emotions that often appears into my conscience.  Sometimes it is brought on by an event, or a thought.  Sometimes it just lingers for days on end.  It's probably the grieving emotion I've felt the most aside from sadness.

Sadness.  Guilt.  These emotions are what made me need to find some joy to be able to survive.  To be able to move forward.  To be able to get through each day.  

My place of joy?  Remembering all those special smiles that Preston would flash at me.  All I had to do was smile at him and there was his beaming smile.  I have hung on to the memories of the happiness that exuded from my son.  I have grasped on to the notion that Preston would want me to be happy.  That he would want me to find a reason to smile every day.

And it's worked.  For the most part anyway.

With the arrival of Preston's sister, Samantha, I've now another pure source of joy.

Positively February 2016: Day 1

I thought I'd try doing Positively February again this year.  Hopefully I'm able to keep up with it.  I will try my best, but as most know, as a mom, free time is not always easy to find... especially since I want to spend as much time as possible with Samantha before I go back to work in 5 and a half weeks.  How time flies...

"Grief never ends... but it changes.  It's a passage, not a place to stay.  Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith... It is the price of love." - Unknown

What I've come to learn in the last almost 2 years is that grief truly does never end.  I think of my son every day.  Some days, it makes me smile.  Other days, it's as painful to think about him as it was in the days after losing him.  Just today, we put Sami in one of Preston's old fleece pajamas.  The one with the penguins.  It was too much.  We had to take it off within 10 minutes of putting it on, even though she was fast asleep.  Triggers still exist that will send us into a tailspin even though we have so much joy in our lives again with our little girl.

I agree that grief isn't a place we should stay in.  While grief never ends, it's a journey.  Not a linear journey by all means, but a long winding journey filled with peaks and valleys.  I often have memory flashes of Preston while rocking Sami.  Or while playing with her as she learns to smile.  I love every minute with her, but it's certainly not always easy.  She's filled a huge part of the hole that exists in my heart, but she will never fully fill it.  Nor would I want her too.  I love Preston just as much as I love her.

That makes it so hard sometimes.  I want to be so happy, yet here comes a memory that just makes me want to fall apart.  And it's not her fault.  I hope that when I do shed a few tears, it doesn't cause her any anxiety.

I've never felt that grief was a sign of weakness.  Nor have I ever felt that keeping on going after Preston passed was a sign of strength.  It's purely survival.  You don't have a choice.  You keep going.  And faith?  Well, yes, my faith is still shaken but I continue to pray.  I continue to be mad at God and often ask for his forgiveness for being mad at Him.  But I believe He understands.  He lost his son too after all.

Grief certainly is the price of love.  I wouldn't trade having had Preston in my life for anything in the world.  It was worth every second.  The pain I still feel today, was worth it.  Don't be afraid to love because you might lose.

I don't know how positive this post has been, so let me end it this way.  Grief is a non-linear journey.  Don't get discouraged if you feel that you are taking a step back.  Or taking 3 steps back for every one that you take.  It's ok to feel weak.  Basically, anything you are feeling is ok.  You need to feel what you need to feel.  I would however urge anyone who feels overly depressed to talk to someone.  Let it out.  What you are thinking and feeling, share it.  Share the love you felt.  In time, you will see that your grief takes different shapes.  I hope one of those shapes, even if not all the time, takes the shape of positivity. <3

Rocky Bear

Pictured above with Sami is Rocky Bear.  I named him that way because we got him from Rocky Mountain Children's Hospital when Sami had to be admitted for jaundice.  Rocky Bear was in her billi bed with her the whole time.  

I felt a weird connection with this bear.  Perhaps it was because he watched over her at all times.  Perhaps it was because Preston's nursery theme was bears and it made me feel like he was watching over her.  Perhaps, in some bizarre way, I felt like part of his soul was in this bear.

Sami, now almost 6 weeks old, enjoys kicking around in her bassinet.  She enjoys moving around, and baby talking and almost shrieking with happiness.  She talks a lot to Rocky Bear and he has a great listening ear.

I continue to feel like Preston is somehow connected to this bear.  I miss my son so much, even though I am over the moon filled with happiness with my little girl.  Perhaps it is wishful thinking to hope that he's around.  But isn't it possible?  Is it so bad to want to believe?

Sleep

Preston - 3 weeks old

Sleep.  It's meant so many things in my life.  For years, I would sleep a lot.  On weekends, I would sleep until the late hours of the morning.  After my bowel resection surgery, I figured out that I slept that much because my body needed it to try and heal itself.  Crohn's disease had taken it's toll on my body, as I was tired.  All the time.  After the surgery, I began needing less sleep, a significant amount less of sleep.

When Preston was born, sleep was difficult for the first month or so.  He was so small, and I worried at all the little noises he made.  Plus, I was up every 2 and a half hours to pump and feed him.  As he got bigger, and didn't need to eat so often, I began sleeping more.  Looking back on my time with him, even with his small size, and being a first time mother, I only remember being exhausted a couple times.  Sleep was never something that bothered me.

After he passed away, sleep was really hard to come by.  The evenings and nights had been ours.  The late night feedings.  Rocking in the nursery.  Telling stories.  Playing after his evening feeding until it was time for sleep.  It was all gone and I struggled.  For a while, I had to take anxiety pills so that I could actually sleep.  After I had gone back to work, during the week, I'd get just a couple hours of sleep each night.  It would take forever for me to fall asleep.  A couple hours after going to bed, when I finally would pass out, I would soon wake up.  4 to 5 times a night.  Again it would take a while to fall asleep, perhaps not hours, but by the end of the night, if I had 2-3 hours of sleep... that was pretty good.  To allow my heart, body and head to rest.. Friday and Saturday nights, I would take Xanax.  It lasted for a couple months until I was able to get a little more sleep as time went on.

With Samantha... sleep is difficult.  I constantly feel the need to check on her.  Mostly because of what happened to Preston.  But, she has a lot of noises that freak us out.  One in particular where the squeaking noise she makes sounds like she's choking, but she's not.  Needless to say, it often keeps me up.

When she doesn't burp well, I usually can't sleep for fear that she'll spit up and choke.  This usually only happens when she falls asleep while eating. This has resulted in many sleepless nights.  I do try to sleep.  I really do.  And some nights, I manage.  Other nights, like last night, I fail miserably.  Her noises were really difficult - on top of her usual squeaking, she sounded like she was wheezing.  I was alone with her, and it was enough to give me a panic attack.  Finally she fell asleep and when she woke up in the middle of the night, the wheezing was gone.  I didn't get any sleep until the early AM hours.

With time, I hope that sleep will come more easily.  I hope that Sami's noises become less stressful.  As time goes on, she will sleep more at night which will hopefully result in the same for me.  In the meantime, I take it a day at a time and take some daytime naps, when sleepless nights occur.

Samantha - 3 weeks old

Possibly my favorite picture.  The only picture that shows both my babies.  Preston represented in my special locket around my neck, and Samantha in my arms. <3

Sami's Corner - 2 weeks

Throughout my pregnancy with Samantha, I contemplated how to blog about her once she was born.  I thought about creating a whole new blog for her.  I thought about creating a page within this blog for her.  Finally, I landed on setting up a special series called "Sami's Corner".  Since the goal of my blog is to help spread happiness, along with discussing my feelings on loss, I thought it would be nice to have this series within Preston's blog.  He'd want there to be a happy moments on this blog.

And let's face it, there aren't a whole lot of resources on having a baby after losing a baby.  Hopefully, this series can bring hope to others walking a similar path.  Hopefully, it can shed some light into my soul, for those who walk this journey with me.  Those who hold my hand.  Those who hug me with their words from afar.

I hope you enjoy this series, as I share my daughter with you :)


Weight & Length: As of 1/2/2016, at 16 days of age, Samantha was back to her birth weight, 5 lbs 13 oz.  She also had grown a full inch measuring 19 & 3/4 inches.  We're so proud of our little girl!

Features: Her eyes are currently grey.  We wonder if they will stay this way, or perhaps change to blue.  Or perhaps they will stay grey with the chance of changing to blue and/or green like many of the men in her family.  Daddy's blue eyes that change grey?  Grandpa's eyes that are grey that change green?  Or other Grandpa's eyes that are grey that change blue and green.  It's a wonder.  Her hair seems to have a couple different shades.  A darkish shade of brown around the middle, and a blond hue towards the bottom of her head and on the sides.  Another mystery we are excited to figure out.

Feedings:  Little miss eats well.  Usually every 3 hours, though she'll go four hours at night.... and then sometimes she wants to eat every 1.5 hours to 2 hours.  She's a little champ!

Sleep: She can be a little night owl.  I guess she gets that from me.  However, with offering her more stimulation during the day, she's slowly starting to figure out that the day is the time to be awake, instead of the middle of the night.  Slowly, I am able to sleep a couple hours here and there during the night, at the same time as everyone else.  It's scary but slowly, I'm getting there.  As long as she burps well, and doesn't spit up.

Likes: She likes eating.  She enjoys cuddling with Mama (Mama loves it too).  Sleeping.  Kinda sounds like me! LOL

Dislikes: Up until last week, she disliked getting dressed.  She would cry every time we changed her.  She seems to be warming up to it lately.  Likewise, up until last week, she didn't seem to care about having a wet/messy diaper.  She has grown to dislike it since then... which makes our life easier if you ask me.  Less risk for a totally full diaper!  She does not like to have her hands swaddled. At all.

Mama's fears: My biggest fear is obviously to lose her.  She scares me every time she coughs from eating too fast,  Scares me every time she makes her "normal" high pitched squeaks that make it sound like she's gasping for air.  She scares me every time she spits up, even though her spit ups don't even come near to what Preston would do.  This makes it hard to sleep when any of these occurrences happen around nighttime.  They account for many sleepless hours.

Mama's proud moments: I am so proud that Samantha has reached her birth weight again.  It makes me so happy after having worried too much over her jaundice.  I want to say that she smiled at me once, aside from the smiles she makes in her sleep.  And once she giggled in her sleep... sweetest sound ever.  She lifts her head when doing semi-tummy time on Mama's chest.  Looking forward to so many more proud moments.

Just because: While in the hospital on the billi-bed, Sami had a little friend watching over her the whole time - Rocky Bear.  I like to think it was a symbol of Preston watching over her.

Pictures: Sharing too many.  She's just too cute! :)

Mere moments after birth.  I was rather loopy from the anti-nausea meds but rather remember everything :)

What a cutie pie!!

With Dada

Merry Christmas!!

Little drama queen

Mama, I'm hungry!!!

What's that over there?

Happy New Year!!

.

Who's this lady? I think I know her.

You can't pin my arms down!!

Embarking on a new roller coaster ride

Hard to believe that our daughter was born 2 weeks ago already!  We are so thrilled and blessed.  That being said, it has been an incredibly emotional 2 weeks.

The fears of loss in pregnancy, and the fears for a healthy baby went away when Samantha was born.  She had a good cry when she came into the world and although she was small (5 lbs 13 oz), she looked healthy.  While these fears went away, new fears appeared.  Fears I knew would be there, but feeling them has been more overwhelming than anticipated.

It is difficult to sleep.  Not because I have to be up every three hours to feed our baby, but because of that crippling fear of loss.  I constantly feel like I need to watch her.  That need has lessened since the first few days, but it is still there.  At this time, the only person I trust to watch her as I sleep is my husband.  It's not that I don't want to trust other people, I'm just still very sensitive to the loss of Preston, and that loss has created an immense fear of losing our daughter too.  I do not want to live in fear forever, and every day it seems to slowly get better, but it will take time.

The most stressful moments so far?  There has been several but the stand outs - when the nurse took our daughter for her 15 minute check up on night two (or one?) and she was gone for 30 minutes.  She hadn't been eating well and it felt like at times she was choking.  My tired mind, and my aching heart jumped to irrational conclusions and I began to panic that something was wrong.  Turns out, she had some amniotic fluid in her belly which was making it hard for her to feed, so they decided to do a lavage, removing all the fluids from her belly.  Not being aware that this was going on, I had a mini anxiety attack and hubby went to look for her.  All in all, everything ended well as she started feeding better again.

The other moment was when we were re-admitted a day after going home due to Samantha having jaundice.  Our little girl had to go on the bili-bed.  It was absolutely gut-wrenching.  Her cries as she couldn't see anything due to the baby goggles.  Her cries as we couldn't pick her up to soothe her.  Her constant wiggling from one side to the other as she tried to soothe herself.  Finally, we decided to give her a pacifier to help her fall asleep.  It worked as long as she sucked on it long enough without spitting it out.  For what felt like hours, I would have to stand there, with my finger propping the pacifier, all the while trying not to provide any shade on her.  She was on the high-tech bed and LED lights for 14 hours... some of the longest hours of my life.  Moments of relief happened every three hours when I got to pick her up and feed her.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep for the duration of our hospital stay (which thankfully was only about 24 hours).

We've had a lot of happy times, which I plan to write about.  I've also struggled with memories of Preston.  The first time I rocked Samantha in the nursery as it reminded me of the times I spent with Preston in that same room.  Listening to the songs that play from the baby swing.  Sometimes, just holding her.

As we embark on this new ride, I am reminded that it will be filled with twists, turns, highs and lows.  I pray that the lows are few, though I know I will never cease to miss my son.  I pray that the twists and turns are minor.  Most of all, I pray that Samantha lives a long (very long), healthy life.

The day before

Dear Preston,

We bought you a new ornament this year.  I think it's a nice tradition to get you one yearly; make you part of our celebration.  In 2013, I bought you "Baby's First Christmas", never once thinking it would be the only one we spent together.  Last year, I made the ball ornament at our Angel Eyes Christmas gathering meeting.  This year, we got you a bunny ornament since bunnies always make me think of you.

I hope you come join us, somehow, someway for this year's Christmas celebration.  We'll have a candle lit all day, as we did last year.  We put up decorations this year.  A tree, stockings (we have one for you too), and the Christmas village.  That's about it though.  Maybe next year, we'll muster up the courage to put up lights outside and more decorations indoor.

With your sister on the way, having something to celebrate at Christmas has been easier this year than last.  However, it doesn't make it easy.  I don't know that it will ever be easy.  Forever, we will be missing you.  On our laps, in our arms, running around.  Your smile, and pure love.  We do have one thing though - you will ALWAYS be in our hearts.  Wherever we go, whatever we do.

Tomorrow, as you know, things will be changing...

Your sister will be making her entrance into the world.  Know that this does not mean I won't be thinking of you every day.  Please know that our relationship doesn't change.  I will always love you.  You will always live in my heart, and a piece of my heart will always be with you.  No one, not even your sister, will ever fully mend my broken heart.

Love you always,
Mama


As for you my dear blog readers, yes, you read correctly.  Samantha will be here in less than 24 hours.  For the past 2 weeks, I've been on bed rest at home.  While I haven't been confined to an actual bed, my activities have been extremely limited.  Making easy meals, running a few errands, decorating the Christmas tree, wrapping presents, and doing a lot of sitting down and watching TV.

I've also been going to my OB's office twice a week.  I've been plagued with headaches, some days they are worse than others.  My blood pressure has fluctuated between normal and slightly high.  But I've had no other symptoms displaying possible pre-eclampsia like I did two years ago when I was pregnant with Preston.  On Friday, my OB wanted to see us again on Monday, as to evaluate if I was starting to go into labor, and to make a plan given that she's going out of town this upcoming Friday.  Monday, there were absolutely no signs of me being in labor.  As with every visit, I had a non-stress test and everything looked good.  Baby girl had a good heartbeat and moved around.  However, when came time to measure my belly for size, my doctor felt that the baby might be small.  For this reason, she asked us to return the next day for a full growth ultra-sound.

We did just that.  Tuesday morning, despite the blizzard, we drove to her office, waited a long time since the ultra-sound tech was late, and had the scan.  Things looked good on the monitor aside from Samantha's size.  Two weeks ago, she was measuring 6 lbs 1 oz.  At this point in pregnancy, she should be gaining about half a pound a week.  She measured 6 lbs 5 oz yesterday.

My doctor believes that what is happening is that my placenta is starting to calcify earlier than it should, restricting the nutrients that are being supplied to baby girl through the umbilical cord.  She's active, has grown, and is performing her "breathing exercises" inside the womb which are great signs.  However, having her come out now will give her the best opportunity to really thrive, and grow.

And so, I have a c-section scheduled tomorrow.  I'm not in labor, and am not exhibiting any signs of labor.  I was induced when I wasn't in labor 2 years ago and that resulted in a c-section.  Given my history of pre-eclampsia, and the fact that my blood pressure hasn't been super stable, my doctor, who usually doesn't recommend c-sections, suggested that this was the route for us to go down.  It is the safest and best choice for both my health and the baby's.  The other reassuring factor - I'll be 39 weeks along tomorrow.  That's a good month more cooking than what Preston got.

In just over 12 hours time, our little darling girl will be here.  We are stoked.  We are nervous.  We are happy, and anxious.  For me, this pregnancy has been filled with ups and downs.  Fears of loss, fears of complications.  While those fears aren't completely gone, and I know that a different fear of loss will appear tomorrow, I am looking forward to meeting this little girl that's been squirming inside of me for the better part of 2015.

I can only pray that she has a long life ahead of her.  I will pray day in and day out.  Bad days, hard days will come.  I know it.  But I hope, that all in all, we give Samantha a long happy life.  And a healthy one.

Looking forward to meeting you little lady! Stay tuned ;)

Familiar hallways

Monday, we found ourselves walking down all too familiar hallways.  The hallways of the old Sky Ridge birth center where we spent a lot of time with Preston.  Past those NICU doors that felt like a second home for a while.

Monday, I had my regularly scheduled, monthly OB appointment.  My blood pressure was slightly elevated, and not wanting to take any chances, I was taken to the hospital for some monitoring.  Monitoring of my blood pressure, and a nonstress test for the baby.  This test records movement, heartbeat and contractions.  I also went through a couple other tests like blood tests.

We sat there for a couple hours, maybe a few hours.  My blood pressure went down and the whole time my baby girl's vitals looked great.

It was quite the scare.  The possibility of pre-eclampsia again.  The thought of having Samantha arrive early.  It was rather overwhelming, and probably did not help my blood pressure.

As a precaution, and to give the baby the best chance to go full term, I've been placed on bed rest.  Not strict bed rest in the hospital, but for the most part, I'm refined to the couch/bed.  I can get up to make some lunch, take a shower, etc.  I'm however not allowed to work on any projects, such as cleaning the pantry, or getting the baby's room ready.  Good thing that's all done!


This is day 4 of my bed rest situation.  While I'm bored, I'm thankful for this chance to give my daughter her best chance at staying inside the womb for another 3 weeks.  I also keep reminding myself of all the signs my son has sent me in the past week, to try and reassure me that things will be alright.

The day before my birthday, just over a week ago, on my way home, I decided to listen to music out of the blue.  Iris came on.  A little while later, as the train stopped at the University station, I saw the weirdest rainbow - there was a sticker on a sign.  The sticker was of a odd looking man... wearing a rainbow hat.  As the train went on, not even a station or two later, there was a bunny hopping along a hill.

That was just one day.  There have been several more signs since then - the biggest one is how active Samantha has been during the nonstress tests (we had another one yesterday).  This keeps mama calm, and I'm thankful for Preston communicating that to his sister when I need that from her.

3 more weeks.  I pray that I don't need to walk down those halls again.  Should we have to though, I feel that everything will work out.  Still, I pray for 3 more weeks of pregnancy.

Capture Your Grief 2015 - Express Your Heart

Neglected.  That's how I feel I've treated my blog lately.  I've wanted to write, but I've let so many things get in the way.  Time.  Fatigue.  Emotions.  Not being able to find the words.

Yet, almost every time I start writing, things just seem to flow.  I thought of skipping this subject (day 14) but it felt like the perfect opportunity to bring up a subject that's been heavy on my heart for months.  And it is even more so now.

When I learned that I was pregnant again, there were so many emotions.  Fear.  Gratitude.  Happiness.  Blessed.  Sadness.  From day to day, I've felt confused about how I should feel.  I should be so grateful.  Yet, Preston should be sharing in this moment.  I should be happy, yet I feel terrified of losing another child.  It's been a constant tug of war in my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that we are going to be welcoming our little girl in a couple months.  And I have a lot of good days where I'm excited.  But there are moments that are so difficult.  Reaching certain milestones.  Realizing that Samantha moves so much more than Preston, which maybe should have been a hint that things weren't going as great as I thought with my pregnancy with Preston.

For months, I knew we'd have to make a decision about Preston's nursery.  Does it become Samantha's, or do we transform it into a guest room and make the guest room into Samantha's room?  We opted to turn Preston's room into Samantha's.  We decided it was a place he was always happy and comfortable.  We made the decision to keep certain parts of the nursery intact - including the wall pictured above.  If I can have it my way, this wall will remain baby blue with the red, white and blue stripes for the Cubs (and Canadiens) for the rest of time.  Hopefully Samantha doesn't have a problem with it as she grows older.

And so, last weekend, hubby and I entered the nursery together for the first time since March 2013.  We moved a lot of things over to the guest room so that we could put away some of Preston's things, so that we could possibly move the furniture in a different pattern and so that I could make a mental inventory of what we might need.

I'd been in this room a handful of times.  Sometimes, I would manage to stay for only a few seconds, while others, I was able to spend a good half hour reading a book to Preston, as I rocked back and forth in the rocking chair, as we used to so often.  I knew cleaning out the nursery was going to be difficult.  I didn't expect it would hit me like a ton of bricks.

So many things were hidden away in drawers, or underneath other items.  Some of which I hadn't looked at in over a year and a half.  Just the fact that we were changing things up, and putting away some things for good.  It brought back that sharp initial pain that existed when I learned my baby boy was gone.  It brought back all those agonizing memories I wish I could call a nightmare.  Except this time, there was no fogginess to protect me.  There was no numbness.  No feelings of disbelief.  How could there be, having lived with this for 19 months?

Needless to say, we were only able to work in there for an hour or so.  We threw away a few things, we made the decision to wash some of his clothes, sheets and blankets.  We moved the crib from one side of the room to the other.  And since that evening, the door to the nursery has been opened.

This afternoon, I went in and folded all the clothes that hubby washed.  I put away all the 3 month old clothes, and placed a bunch of Preston's things into the chest that's at the foot of our bed.  Things I don't want his sister to share.  His lamp.  The sheet and blanket that were part of his bedroom set.  His "my first Christmas" onesie, along with some of my favorite clothes of his - including his preemie "pinch me I'm cute" one (and his 3 month old version of it).  It's the one he came home from the hospital in and the only one we didn't donate to the hospital once he didn't fit into the preemie stuff anymore.    His Brandon Marshall Chicago Bears jersey to match his dad's.  Some binkies and other memorabilia.

While his things will be tucked away out of sight, they will be close by if we ever want to see them.  And there are things of Preston's that Samantha will share for sure.  She inherits all his stuffed animals and toys.  She'll share his favorite swing and bouncer.  His bear bathrobe.  Some of the decorations in the nursery.  Some clothes even.  Though, I suppose, it's possible that if it's too hard to see her in them, it won't be for very long.

I went on a shopping spree yesterday and bought her a bunch of things.  A new lamp for the nursery.  A mobile with a moon and stars.  A ton of clothes.  She's going to be a little fashionista, let me tell you.  Her wardrobe is more expensive than mine and it's just newborn sized.  I think someone's going to be a spoiled little girl!  Well, let her be.  I'll just have to make sure she doesn't become a spoiled brat. ;)

When one door closes, another opens.

I will never, ever forget my son.  I will continue to think about him every day, even when he becomes a big brother.  Samantha will not replace Preston in any way, shape or form.  She has a special place in my heart, in my life, just like Preston does.  I can only hope, that Preston knows.

Capture Your Grief 2015 - Normalizing Grief

After a loss as tremendous as losing a baby, normal is a word that goes out the window.  You are no longer normal.  Your reality is turned upside down.  You feel sequestered as you try to navigate the map that is grief.  Twists and turns when you least expect it.  Detours at every corner.

When we feel a certain way, we believe that it isn't normal.  For me, my first fears of not reacting normal were when I was still in shock and I couldn't cry.  My brain was telling me I should be a ball on the floor, unable to function, crying uncontrollably.  Except I was numb.  My body was protecting my heart.  I soon learned from reading about other experiences and talking to other bereaved parents that there was no right or wrong way to grieve.  Part of me wanted to feel what I would have considered normal (the ball on the floor) but grief had another path for me.

And while normal as we knew it might be completely out the window, with time, we learn to create a new normal.  Mine includes this blog and memorializing Preston.  Mine includes a lot more positivity than what existed before losing Preston.  Mine includes a whole new outlook on life, where the small things are appreciated to a new degree.

With today's subject, CarlyMarie requests that we share an experience that might make someone else say "Hey, I feel that way too!" (quote from CarlyMarie's page), therefore normalizing grief.  Our experiences are all different.  Our journeys all differ.  Our emotions diverse.  But at some point, hopefully we cross the path that someone else has traveled.  I will try to do that by sharing something new.

When my fears of miscarriage dissipated with my current pregnancy, some fears instilled themselves in me.  Fears that Preston would be forgotten.  Fears that others would think that now that I have another baby, I can "move on", whatever that means.  Fears that people might think that with Samantha's arrival, I won't have any more sad moments.  Fears that society expects me to finally stop grieving.  It's part of the reasons I kept this pregnancy under wraps for so long.

And I know better.  Preston will never be forgotten.  Not by me.  Not by his father.  Not by his family.  Not by his friends, our friends.  Not by those who have truly been touched by his smile, his story, his being.  #SpreadHappinessForPreston is here to stay. Every year.

Moving on is an interesting concept.  If I can be brutally honest, losing a baby is not something you "get over".  It's not something you get past.  It stays with you.  Every day.  Another human being will not change that, no matter how loved.  We aren't talking about buying a new laptop because you broke your previous one.  We're talking flesh and blood.  We're talking a little life that you helped create.  I won't move on, and honestly, I don't want to.

I've had many reasons to be happy this year.  And last year.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I know it, because I made myself take a 30 day challenge (the first post of this series can be found here).  That doesn't mean that I don't miss my son.  That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.  My heart continues to bleed every day.  And while Samantha will help cauterize the scar Preston left on my heart, it will continue to bleed.  I will continue to miss him.  I will continue to fear losing her, the same way I lost him.  Innocence - gone forever.  Sadness will follow me like a shadow.  And I know that it's okay.  I know that I can and should let it in, when it needs to.

I will never stop grieving.  That's all there is to it.

Yet, all that being said... those fears I mentioned before, they are still there.  And I know some people will have those expectations of me.  Of my husband.  People will always judge.  Let them.

Rise above, and know that you are not alone.  Grief has no timeline.  Certain events or moments, don't make it go away.  Your grief, can be what you want it to be, what you need it to be. Don't let others dictate it, or how they think it should be.

Guardian Angel

I remember wondering about guardian angels when I was little.  Did they exist?  Who was mine?  Would I always be watched over?

As an adult, I thought angels a lot less.  Perhaps the harsh reality of life made it seem like surely they didn't exist?  Or perhaps, the fast pace that is now our every day lives made it so I just didn't think about it.

When Preston was born, I prayed.  I prayed a lot.  I'd ask God to watch over him when we were sleeping as I was frightened for him.  He was so small, and had been rushed into life, sooner than he was ready for it.  I believe I prayed every day and night.  In the morning, thanking God for watching over my son, and at night asking him to watch over him while I couldn't.

I'll be honest, I've prayed a lot less in the last year and a half.  Probably hardly at all.  While I don't have many formal prayers anymore, I still find myself talking to God, and to Preston often.  Almost every day.  Asking them to watch over this little girl while I have little control as to what is going on inside of me.  

In the last months, I've come to realize that guardian angels really do exist.  Samantha's is her big brother Preston.  Anytime I get overly worried, bunnies come to the rescue.  Or little kicks from Samantha as if she was just awoken from a nap to let her mama know she's alright.  It's a blessing to have Preston as a guardian angel for his little sister.  

At the same time, I'd give anything for him to be here on earth instead.

I often wonder if angels come down to earth on occasion, or if they are simply spiritual beings.  I don't have a definite answer but have an interesting story.

Yesterday, on our way to run some errands, my husband stopped for coffee at a local coffee shop.  I usually go in too, but for some reason, I stayed in the truck.  Within minutes, I saw my husband through the shop window waiting for his coffee.  There was the weirdest shadow.  Surely an illusion caused by light.  Or was it?

I saw what seemed like a little blond head, leaning against Brett's shoulder.  And then I noticed the wings that wrapped around my husband's back.  Rainbow colored wings.  I stared at it for minutes, and eventually looked away, thinking I was crazy to think Preston was there.  I looked back a little while later, and the shadows were there.  I smiled, and realized that guardian angels surely exist.  And when we least expect it, there they are.

I want to say a special thank you to Krystal, Conner and Benjamin's mom, who sent me the crystal angel (with rainbow wings) pictured above.  I received it at the beginning of August, and plan to place it in the nursery once we venture in there and turn it into Samantha's room, though we plan to leave some Preston things there.  For now, it rests on our dresser, on Preston's lion blanket, next to his urn and a couple other tokens that remind me of him.

We are about three months away from meeting miss Samantha, and I felt compelled to go look at a few things we've bought for her.  I felt a picture of something of hers, tying it to the fact that Preston is her guardian angel would be fitting.  We bought this headband and slippers about a month ago.  Is it odd that I don't remember that they were bunnies? Coincidence?

6 bunnies

Over a month ago, on a day where I had an OB appointment, I had one of those days.  Full of doubts about how my baby was doing.  I was at that point in the pregnancy where most of the symptoms, such as morning sickness, had faded away.  I was at that point, where the baby was small which meant that I wasn't feeling any movement.

I feel blessed that the day my mind started to worry, for no real reason, was on the day where I could request an ultrasound if I wanted.  On my train ride, I talked to Preston.  I told him I was worried, and that I wished he could tell me that everything was ok.  Almost instantly, I saw a bunny.  In the middle of downtown, on the grass surrounding one of the courthouses.  I thought, what a coincidence.  When we were further out from the city, I saw another bunny.  And then another, and 3 others.  None were in the same area.  I could have missed all of them, considering the speed the light rail goes at, and keeping in mind that the mind and eyes easily wander.

It was no accident.  I've never seen that many on my train ride home.  I've never seen a bunny at the courthouse, and since seeing me, trust me, I keep looking.  This was my son telling me, he is watching over his sibling.  This was my son telling me not to worry, that he is a guardian angel.

I don't know that I'll ever completely stop worrying, considering how suddenly Preston was taken away from us, but since seeing the 6 bunnies, I really haven't worried much.  And I certainly didn't worry yesterday before the 20 week scan.  If anything, I had butterflies, for the first time with this pregnancy.

The anatomy scan was wonderful.  Everything looked great, and baby is growing at a good pace.  We really could not have gotten better news.  No abnormalities, no unpleasant surprises, nothing to worry about.  In addition, I started feeling the baby move over the course of the past couple days.  Hubby even felt little kicks on Tuesday night.

And yes, of course, what you've been waiting for... we did find out what we are having.  Preston will be big brother, guardian angel to a little girl.

Meet Squirmy..... I mean, meet Samantha. <3  She appears to be trying to scratch her nose with her foot. :)