What makes me unhappy? The fact that my son is gone, for no reason. The fact that my son is no longer in my arms, he can no longer smile, grow and learn. The fact that the dreams I had for Preston, are no more, forever broken, never to be fulfilled. Quite simply, just the fact that he's no longer here makes me unhappy. Does my unhappiness stem from grief? I think it goes hand in hand with grief. When you grieve, you go through stages of sadness, unhappiness. Sometimes it's really intense, but other times, it just lingers in the background.
As part of my healing journey, I have adopted what I feel is a ritual. It's writing a blog entry. Almost every day. Sharing my feelings, thoughts without any restrictions. Without feeling like I need to sensor what I'm writing. It has really been a healing experience, and it continues to be. It allows me a special time to think about Preston every day. It allows me to write down memories, so that they are never forgotten. It allows me to share, and hopefully help, inspire someone along the way.
I hope to add other rituals that help me heal, that make me healthier mentally and physically. I'm trying to eat better and trying to be more active. I've been meaning to try yoga for a long time, and I keep pushing it because "I don't have time for it". This reminds me of a quote I read months ago, which I think I blogged about in one of my first entries - "Yesterday you said tomorrow". I say tomorrow almost every day. So today, I say, maybe not tomorrow, but perhaps it would be something to look into while I'm on vacation. Something new to try, and if I like it, maybe it'll be easy to integrate into my life.
Whatever ritual I adopt, whether it's writing a blog entry every day, doing yoga, eating healthy, I do it to make my son proud. I do it for my possible future children, to give them a better chance at life since my body failing gave Preston a big disadvantage. I do it for Brett. I do it for me. I do it for anyone who might find hope in seeing that it's possible to survive a loss so large as the loss of a child. It's possible to smile every day and find meaning to your life. It's possible to be happy, healthy and make new dreams. Different dreams, but good dreams.
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