Adventureland

My life feels like it is filled with new adventures recently - changes abound at work, taking up a new hobby, reading a book for the Pursuit of Purpose workshop I've been doing, getting ready to plant seeds in Preston's Garden, and in the small garden in the front of our house once the tulips are done for the season.  It's a time filled with intrigue, passion, excitement and hope.  Intrigue because I don't know what to expect.  Passion because I feel pretty passionate about all these things.  Excitement because that's what adventures are about!  Hope because I'm eager to see what I can do.

Months ago, I mentioned wanting to start a new hobby - embroidery.  As you may have guessed from the picture above, I've been attempting to make it happen.  I've had good motivation with Angel Eyes wanting to create a new quilt for their offices.  This organization has helped me tremendously with it's monthly group meetings, and it feels fitting that Preston should have a place on this special memorial quilt.  I haven't conceptualized the whole thing, but I am writing out his name in rainbow colors.  I'll be sure to take pictures of my progress.  I would like to have a teddy bear somewhere on their, and just found a design online that would work nicely.  A bunny maybe? Some flowers.  And maybe even "SpreadHappinessForPreston.blogspot.com".  It'll depend on how talented I feel and how much time I am able to dedicate to it.  I have 2 more months to get it done, and I just began actually working on it today after practicing for the past couple weeks.

The 5th installment of Rachel's PoP workshop was posted earlier this month.  You can view it here if interested - PoP Session 5.  In this session, we are to use one of the resources Rachel offers - books, a website, a special phone call.  I selected one of the books given that I've been wanting to get back into reading - Make it Happen by Lara Casey.  It's been an interesting read for sure.  This book is filled with workshops of it's own.  I can't say I've been following them, as I've been reading the book on my tablet as I ride the train to and from work.  I've been doing a lot of reflecting though.

Some of the things mentioned in this book are difficult concepts for me to wrap my head around.  There is a lot of talk about God and faith which I still struggle with on a daily basis.  But it's premise makes a lot of sense, and I just started the 3rd chapter which promises to help me find a way to live with purpose and hopefully help me reach more people through my blog.

The weather has been cold lately.  We've even had a snow, and some rain.  It's made it difficult to work on the gardens, but I am getting excited to get them ready for May.  I planted seeds in June last year, so I want to get them planted a little earlier this year.  I have to be careful though given the temperamental Colorado weather system.  The heat waves followed by snow storms.  The numerous May hail storms.  The high winds.  Hopefully, it is nice this week or at the very least, next weekend.

I've even been trying really hard to get better with this fantasy baseball thing.  I'm currently sitting in 5th place out of 12 players.  Bob, who's in 6th isn't far behind, and my brother is ahead of me by less than 50 points!  Gotta get to that 4th place this week.  That's the goal! Watch out bro!

Life is sometimes filled with adventures.  Some are scary, some you don't want to go through.  Some are challenging and exciting, while others are dull and tedious.  But adventures have the potential of bringing intrigue, excitement and hope.  Doesn't that make it worth exploring new adventures?  Are you planning any new adventures?

White gloves versus boxing gloves

Dear pregnant friend, pregnant relative, pregnant stranger, mama of a newborn,

I hope you know that I am happy for you.  Thrilled even.  I don't throw out the "happy" word easily, and I am truly happy for each an every person I find out is expecting a child.  What a blessing!  What a privilege and honor it is to become a parent!  It's not something everyone gets to have.  I can easily be taken for granted as it's not everyone who gets to have children, no matter how much they want them.  And there's of course the direct opposite, those who get to have children when it seems inconceivable that they should have that right.  So many horror stories I've read and heard...

Sorry to turn to the dark side there for a moment.  Not what you need, I know.  The point is, I am happy for you, even if I don't tell you often, or at all.  I'm excited for the months and years to come, the dreams you are building and the memories you are already making.  The story that is the child you are expecting, or the child you just had, is one of hope.  Hope is something I need a whole lot of and it doesn't come easily to me.

I pray that you forgive me for not being more involved in your pregnancy, if only by asking how you are doing.  Please do know that I care, but it's a sensitive topic for me.  Some days, I feel strong and put on my boxing gloves.  When I do, I am able to ask you how you and baby are doing.  I'm able to invest myself into buying things for your little one, even though the baby aisle is still extremely problematic for me.  And then there are other days where I have to wear white gloves and approach everything with caution.  Those days are emotionally draining.  Is it that I'm jealous? I don't think it's the right word.  I think it's more that I long for my son.  It's that I miss him.  I don't necessarily want what you have.  I want what I had, what I can have no longer.

Pregnancy and newborns are definitely subjects that are difficult for me to broach.  I'm sure it's a sensitive topic for anyone who's lost a child, and sometimes even for those close to someone who has lost a baby.  As with all things, this varies from person to person.  It's dependent on your situation.  It can be intensified after a loss in pregnancy or around certain dates.  It can be particularly painful to think about in the months following a loss when grief is often at it's highest point.

Then again, this is just my perspective.  I don't walk in the shoes of every grieving parent but I do continue to grieve the loss of Preston on a daily basis.  It's something that I will live with every. day. of. my. life.  I'm 13 months out from having lost my son.  He should be 18 months old, yet he will live on forever in my heart as a 16 week old baby.  Where I am at, today, is not the same place another parent might be at.  It's also possible that where I am at today, is not where I will be tomorrow.

How do you broach the subject of pregnancy with someone who's lost a baby?  I wish I had a black and white answer, but I think it's a very grey area.  It'll be dependent on what gloves your friend is wearing that day - the boxing gloves or the white gloves.  I think knowing who you are talking to, how they are dealing with their loss, where they are at with their grief, will allow you to figure out which gloves they are wearing.  Perhaps, it is even you who needs to decide which gloves you will use to bring up the topic.

Some people may think that every time they bring up Preston, or their child, or pregnancy, it's a reminder of my loss.  At the risk of repeating what I've said before, there's nothing really that can "remind" me of my loss.  It's with me every day, everywhere I go.  Do certain things trigger specific memories? For sure, but that trigger can just be the ding of the microwave or the smell of fresh snowfall.  A certain light being turned on, or the formula that still sits in the pantry.  And while for sure pregnancy and newborns can be a BIG trigger for bereaved parents, it doesn't mean the subject shouldn't be brought up or alternatively, be the only thing you talk about.

Personally, pregnancy has been all around me since the loss of Preston.  Some of my relatives are pregnant, as are friends and co-workers.  I didn't feel "hurt" when I found out about these pregnancies.  Was it difficult to hear? Quite honestly, yes but no.  It was difficult because it made me miss my son a little bit more for a short while.  It wasn't difficult because it was a ray of hope into my day.  It would be so easy to try and hide from the world as it continues to turn, especially on days where it feels that time is standing still.  What good would it do me?  Try as I may, pregnancy would be in my face at some point or another.  A diaper commercial here.  A flyer from ToysRUs.  A mother pushing a stroller past my house.  There's no escaping it, so when I can, I wear my boxing gloves.

All this being said though, yes I still struggle talking about pregnancy and newborns.  I can't do it 24/7.  Sometimes after 10 minutes, that's about all I can take.  Other days, I can survive 45 minutes of talk.  Those days make me happy, because I really want to be there for you, but I'm still figuring things out.  My heart is still mending, and it is a slow process.  As I write about this sensitive topic today, I am wearing my boxing gloves.

I hope that with every day that follows, I adorn the white gloves less and less.  I want to thank you for the days where I am wearing these gloves.  Thank you for your patience with me and my heart.  Thank you for your understanding.  Know that you are often on my mind, even if I don't tell you enough <3

Your friend,
~Cat

***
On a totally side note, for those who were curious, thanks to Jamie and my aunt Jocelyn, we were able to figure out that those weird spotted plants in our front garden are "Calypso Tulips" or if you want to be technical - Tulipa Gerigii 'Calypso' .  Thanks ladies

And on another side note, we got a beautiful snow storm on Thursday night into Friday morning.  We got a good foot of snow.

Positively February: Day 12

"Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments" - Rose Kennedy

My husband has told me several times that I should try not to make a milestone out of everything.  His words are wise, yet I struggle not to do so.  I've hit the one year mark from when I returned to work from my maternity leave, and I'm a month away from landing on the one year that marks the last time I saw my little boy wiggle around.  It's difficult not to see these dates come, or acknowledge what is or what should be.

However, today, I'm reminded that I should continue to strive to not make milestones out of every day, out of every missed "firsts".  I had a particularly difficult afternoon.  I had a dentist appointment with a specialist, and the receptionist commented on my necklace: "That's a beautiful necklace!  Is it for your children?".  Me: "Yes, it was given to me by my aunt, uncle and cousins after my son passed away last year".  Receptionist: "Well it's absolutely beautiful".  I couldn't look her in the eye.  I felt like I'd made her uncomfortable even when it wasn't my intention.  Perhaps I didn't make her uncomfortable, I just don't know, but it was the feeling that overtook me.  I later had to explain my blood pressure issue to one of the assistants, which again prompted me to bring up Preston's passing.  More feelings of awkwardness.

I usually don't feel this way when I speak of my son.  I must have just been more emotional today.  Or maybe I felt vulnerable because I was at the dentist.  I don't like going, like most.  Or maybe, it was just one of those rough days that I touched on yesterday.  I did, try to take the advice from yesterday's quote and remind myself of my track record.  It helped.

I also had an appointment with my OB.  My final check-up regarding my blood pressure (which was fine).  My OB is really sweet, and so easy to talk to.  I was vulnerable from my earlier thoughts and conversations.  We talked about future pregnancies, about Preston.  She mentioned how much she loved what we did for his birthday.  We talked about how closely she would follow me once I become pregnant, one day.  She said there would be more appointments, more ultrasounds.  Basically, a lot of it would be for my mental health as she understands how much of a mess I will be.

It's interesting to long for something yet fear it.  I don't fear it enough to let it deter me, but I know there will be tough moments, having had both a miscarriage and lost an infant.  A pregnancy would be cause for great joy, and excitement.  But there would be moments of pure fear.  The same once I would hold my baby, and probably throughout the first year, and past.

My OB reminded me that all parents fear for their children.  They all think about SIDS, or car accidents, or kidnappings.  It isn't because I feared that SIDS could happen, that it did happen.  It was just the 1 in X.  It made me cry but it made me feel better.  She told me about a patient she had whose firstborn was stillborn but went on to have 2 other children.  She's looking into obtaining contact information for me to talk to her.  I feel blessed to have special in my life, that are willing to do what they can to make things easier for me.

But the thing that really just turned my day around?  My friend Krystal gave birth to her little girl today.  A perfect little lady.  And that gave me hope.  It made me remember that I have great moments to hold on to.  Preston may have never walked, or talked.  He may never have blown out candles or crawled.  But every day, I can remember the wonderful moments he gave me.  The smiles he gave me.  The way he would kick his little feet all_the_time.  The way he always wanted to say something.  The nights where I'd rock him to sleep and just hold him even when he'd been asleep for hours.

Life really isn't about milestones.  It's about the moments.  Cherish those moments.  They are more precious than you realize.

Chasing bunny-looking doggies

We ended up getting close to nine inches of snow last night.  More than the six, I'd seen last night.  My car was buried and the roads promised to be slippery.  My sweet hubby was so kind to drive me to the train station in the F150.  There's a reason we bought it after all.

It was incredible.  Totally unexpected.  It took me by surprise and made me smile.  As we made our way down Meadows Parkway, we had to stop due to a red light.  A dreaded red light.  The one by the hospital.  I looked out my window to the right as to avoid staring at the hospital to our left.  And there it was.  A little bunny hopping along the recently plowed sidewalk, in the bitter coldness of the morning.  I couldn't believe by eyes!  I haven't seen a bunny since late October or early November.  It reinforced that thought I had about yesterday's snow storm.  It really was from Preston.  How can I even doubt it now?  Thank you my love.  Thank you for letting me know I shouldn't doubt my gut, even for something as subjective as signs from the beyond.

I listened to Pandora as the train went on it's merry way, as I do most mornings.  "Numb" played, reminding me that I don't know what life expects from me.  It was followed by "The Middle" which has helped me smile on rough days since the loss of my son.  I am most certainly in the "middle of the ride", doing my best to ride this wave that seems to have stabilized.  For now.  I know it will change.  You can't fool me anymore.

I skipped the next couple songs because they were too angry for my mood this morning .  I was still floating on a cloud from having seen that bunny rabbit.  "Can't Hurry Love" came on after another song or two.  I listened to it for awhile, but had to stop.  I was getting emotional as I felt this was a lesson I would have tried to teach Preston - you really can't hurry love.  I was just about ready to hit "skip song" again until I heard that familiar guitar strum.  "Iris".  Tears filled my eyes.  It'd been so many weeks of not hearing it.  So many times I'd skipped songs hoping to hear it.  Hearing it today... after yesterday's snow storm. After Mr. Bunny's sighting.  Serendipity?  I'm afraid not.  A sign.  A clear sign.

I listened to the live version of Iris.  I tried keeping my composure on the train but I know I shed some tears.  And then, "A Song for Mama" followed "Iris".  So much for composure.  I've heard this song just 3 times.  Right before Mother's Day.  A day before Christmas.  Today.  I just cannot ignore that this is a sign from my little boy.  I didn't want to be Mom.  Or Momma.  Or Maman.  I was his Mama.  Just makes this song that much more powerful for me.

I wish I could have taught Preston so many things.  How to walk.  How to talk.  How to count and how to recite the alphabet.  How to swim and how to dance.  Instead, it seems it's the other way around.  He teaches me all the time.  Teaches me to have faith in God, and in Heaven.  Teaches me how deep love can be.  Teaches me compassion, understanding, sorrow.  He may not be here, but Preston's not too far either.  Keep chasing those bunny-looking doggies.  I'll keep my eyes open for them.

Never gonna go a day without you

Fills me up just thinking about you

I'll never go a day without my mama

Mama, mama, you know I love you

Mama, mama, you're the queen of my heart

Your love is like tears from the stars

Mama, I just want you to know

Loving' you is like food to my soul

Right back at you sweetheart.

Hope glistens in the snow

We spent a quiet New Year's day.  Brett's parents were over.  We had a nice lunch and they left in the early of the afternoon as a snow storm rolled in.  I knew there was a chance for snow, but I had no idea that we'd get close to 6 inches.  As I was feeding the cats their dinner, the snow just called out to me.  Heavy snow flakes were falling and the snow on the back porch just glistened.  Stars in the snow.  Tiny globes of hope in the purity of fresh snowfall.

It made me hopeful that 2015 may become a good year.  Living without Preston is still very difficult.  Still isn't a good word.  This grief, this emptiness will follow me forever.  You learn to cope.  You find ways to live, laugh.  You become more accepting of what you can't change.  You don't forget.  You don't get over it.  You don't move on.  There's no still when it comes to grieving someone you love so deeply.  There's only living without part of yourself for the rest of your life.  I'm not still sad that my son's gone.  I will always be sad that he's no longer with us.  I'm not still grieving.  Grief is a never-ending companion.

All that being said though, I was overcome with serenity again today as I watched large flakes flow in the wind.  That same feeling of peace I felt on Mother's Day when Preston sent a storm.  Perhaps he sent this one too... Just to say, 2015 will be better.  After all, it can only go up from 2014...