Positively February: Day 28

Here we are.  February 28th.  Has your month been filled with positivity?  I feel like mine has.  I want to thank everyone who participated in this movement to increase positiveness in each-others lives.  The quotes that you shared with me were all so inspiring and filled with love and wisdom.  I feel so much richer after this experience, and I look forward to re-reading these quotes throughout the next month, and will continue to refer back to them throughout the difficult days that come randomly.


"One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  One step at a time."

Fitting to end this month with one of my own quotes? I think so.  And I use the words "my own quote" very loosely as I presume these particular phrases have been said many times before.  Individually for certain.  Together, very likely.  Regardless, these are words that I have tried to live by since the middle of March 2013. My mantra if you like.

One day at a time.  I felt the need to be able to go back to "normal" life after the haze of the first weeks started to subside.  It was an unrealistic expectation.  I always used to have a plan.  Do this at this time, do that on that day.  I hit a wall I didn't see coming when I tried to do something as simple as the groceries.  The trauma that was losing Preston, let's just say it left me hardly being able to see past my own nose.  "Normalcy" may have been something I wanted and needed to attain, but it was necessary for me to realize that it wasn't going to happen instantly.  It took a long time to build up a new routine.  Long time... time is relative.   To some, my "long time" may seem extremely short or way too lengthy.  We all experience grief differently and at different paces.  Grief is a never ending roller coaster filled with mountains and valleys, and you never know the trajectory it's going to take.

When I realized I couldn't just go back to my old life, I started taking things slow.  Letting the grief hit me when I needed it to, a moment at a time.  I took things in life, one step at a time.  I slowly started back at work by working from home for a little while.  And then I started going into the office, and got a ride for a couple weeks so I didn't have to be alone on the train.  And when I finally felt a little more stable, I started taking the train again.  I did the same thing with doing the groceries.  Instead of being out of up to two hours so I could shop all the specials, I just went to one store, and bought the essentials and was out of there in half an hour.  It made that task a lot easier to complete.   You see, I used to do the groceries on Saturday, and when I would get back home, I'd have some special mama time with Preston.  It was fabulous.  Not having that anymore so suddenly, it made it hard to do the groceries.  Especially with the baby aisle, and all the holiday aisles serving as reminders that I didn't have a teddy bear or a cute little outfit to buy for my son.  The ever so constant presence of babies in shopping carts didn't help.

Is it easy to do the groceries now, almost a year later?  Easy is not the word I would use.  It's now more tolerable.  It's not as hard on my heart.  I still avoid the baby aisle, not that I have many reasons to actually go down that way.  I still sometimes get emotional when I see too many babies, or a teddy bear.  Or the wind blows.  When those moments come though, I let them.  And when they are gone, slowly, I get back to what I was doing.  One step at a time.

I hope that this quote has a way of reaching you.  I wish with all my heart that it helps you in a difficult time, and that it helps you along your journey, whether you are going through a journey of grief, or any other difficult life altering odyssey.


PS.  I've wanted for a long time to create a memorial page for Preston.  I didn't know how to go about it, and thought it might be a bit much.  Today, I found a few Facebook pages for blogs that I follow, and it inspired me to do the same for my blog.  Perhaps it will be a way to attract more followers and gain a bigger audience.  Perhaps not.  Either way, it will be just another space to share my little boy, his smiles, my experience and hopefully wisdom on surviving the loss of a baby.  If you wish to join this page the link is https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston. Thank you.

Positively February: Day 27

"To get up when you are down, to fight more intensely when you are struggling; to put in the extra effort when you are in sheet pain, to comeback when nobody expects you to, and to stand tall when everyone is pulling you down are what make a champion." - Apoorve Dubey

So many quotes still unshared, many that I saved throughout the month of January in preparation for this event I named Positively February.  I guess there are some I opted not to use, because while inspirational, they didn't have enough positivity tied to them.  I found this quote today and I just had to share it.  I've never heard of Apoorve Dubey, but the Internet being the amazing tool that it is, enlightened me rather quickly.  Mr. Dubey is an entrepreneur and the author of an international bestseller "The Flight of Ambition".  Another book to add to my "to read" list.

A champion.  I tend to associate champions with sports.  Perhaps it comes from being from a city that reveres hockey like a religion.  The Stanley Cup Champions... I remember seeing the Canadiens hoist the cup in 1993.  It was marvelous.  The Olympics carve the path for new champions, or returning champions.  They are crowned with medals.

I've learned that champions shouldn't only be attributed to sports stars, phenoms of a discipline.  Champions exist all around you.  Hitting rock bottom and finding a way to rise again, no matter what that all-time low might be.  Trying when all the odds are stacked against you.  Not letting the pain stop you from living.  Doing what you have to do to keep going.  We are champions.  We are amazing individuals for enduring the pain that is the loss of a baby.

And we aren't champions on day 1.  Sometimes, we aren't champions every day.  Sometimes it takes years to achieve, other times it takes months.  There's no timeline.  Look to those days where you reign in all your willpower to do more than you've previously done.  Use those days where you triumph over the pain of your loss to motivate you and prove to yourself that you can and will survive.  Easy to do?  Not at all.  It's a struggle.  It's a tough, tough battle.  But you can do it.

I can't say I've felt people pulling me down while going through this journey of grief, but I know many women who've lost a baby who have had people tell them that they should move on.  People that wonder why they aren't over the loss "yet".  People who think that because the loss was early, that it doesn't really count.  These people are wrong.  All losses matter.  You start to love, yearn and parent a child as soon as you know you are pregnant.  No life is more important than another, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I don't often feel like a champion.  After all, I stumble through each day missing my son more and more as time flies on by.  I do have days where I feel stronger than others.  This month has been pretty incredible actually...which is what I needed heading into March.  I quite honestly don't want to turn over the calendar page.  Maybe in needs to be February just a while longer.  Or maybe I need to flip to April.  Unfortunately, whether I turn the page or not, March will be here on Sunday.  In 15 days, my son will have been gone a year... A year!  That sounds absurd.

With all that I am, I will channel my inner champion.  I will channel your inner champions to lift me up through this difficult month.  And once again, I remind myself.. I've lived through the impossible and I'm still standing.  I've got a good track record for getting through sad days - 100% actually.  I will survive. I can and I will.  

Positively February: Day 26 & PoP Workshop - Session 2

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror, I can take the next thing that comes along'.  You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Today, I felt like Rachel's Pursuit of Purpose Workshop was perfectly suited to work with my #PositivelyFebruary movement.  Today's session is about fear. Rachel poses the following questions:

"What has living by fear cost you?  What has living by fear cost others around you? What fears do you have that make sense?  And which ones are False Evidence Appearing Real?"


Going back to Eleanor Roosevelt's quote, I will preface this by saying that my fears today are fewer than they have ever been.  Losing Preston put a lot of things into perspective.  Fear is one of those things.  I am always so frustrated to feel like I've learned all these lessons because I lost my son.  It's a terrible realization that I struggle with every day.  I'd give all this knowledge back for my son.  I wish I didn't learn these lessons, or at any rate, that losing my son wasn't the price to pay.  It's not like I led a bad life before he passed away, you know?

Growing up, I was probably the most shy little girl you would have ever known.  I didn't do public speaking.  I didn't raise my hand in school even if I knew the answer.  I didn't do presentations in front of the class.  I've so often asked myself why.  Why was I this way.  The only answer I've come up with is fear.  "They've never heard me talk, if I talk now, they'll make fun of me".  "What if they make fun of my voice."  "What if I sound funny, English isn't my native tongue".  Needless to say, this fear was a vicious circle.  The more afraid I was, the less I was apt to doing what I feared.  One day, my mind said "screw it", or whatever a 10 year old says.  There was a public speaking competition of some sort and that's when I spoke in public for the first time.  In front of hundreds.  Was I scared? Terrified.  Not sure how I got through it really.  But from that point on, that fear was lessened by 100%.  My confidence grew.  This fear cost me though.  I cost me confidence at an early age, and perhaps that could have made for a totally different life.  But, I don't regret who I am, so has it really cost me in the end?

Fears can be debilitating.  They create a vicious cycle you can't escape.  Except that... you can.  While I was able to conquer my public speaking fear (for the most part - I still tend to get nervous when I have to talk to a crowd, but who doesn't right?), that fear of fitting in and being accepted is something that stayed with me for a long time.  I don't enjoy not being liked.  I try hard to be a nice person and to always be nice to everyone.  Being afraid of not fitting in.  I think it's a rite of adolescence is it not?  I think, that this is a good example of "false evidence appearing real".  We are all unique individuals and life has taught me that we all fit somewhere.  Maybe it's not where we want.  Perhaps it's not where we expect.  Fitting in, wherever that place might be, can be difficult.  Life isn't easy.  I think lately, society incorrectly teaches children that everyone wins, that you get handed a medal for just participating.  I think it's teaching some younger generations that they are entitled to whatever they want.  But life isn't easy.  It isn't fair.  Life is hard, and you have to work at it to make it a good life.  And even when you work hard, even when you do everything you are supposed to do, sometimes everything will come crashing down when you least expect it.  Maybe it would be better to teach hard work, determination and yes sometimes defeat to our children.

Life has taught me that fears aren't worth it.  Being sick as often as I've been, I feared death quite fiercely.  The pain was often so intense that I wondered if that was what dying felt like - especially in times of flare-ups when inflammation was so ever present.  Or when my gall bladder went septic, or had my first bowel obstruction.  Those were scary times for me.  Justified? Perhaps, but probably blown out of proportion too.  The thought of surgery scared me beyond belief for a long, long time.  When I went in for my bowel resection surgeries, I couldn't have had a better attitude about it.  I felt brave and knew that as scary as it was, it was the right thing to do.  I conquered that fear.  And it gave me hope for conquering more and more.

Do I have irrational fears?  I don't like snakes and wolves and would totally freeze up if one was near me.  I am scared of crickets - and run away when they are near for fear that they will jump on me. Yuck!  Do I have a reason for these fears? Not really.  Yet even if I see these on TV, I cringe.

Fears that make sense?  During my whole pregnancy with Preston, I feared a miscarriage.  Every time I went to the restroom, I was afraid of seeing blood.  It's something I fear will be with me for any future pregnancy.  Additionally now, I will be filled with anxiety for the first 14-16 months of our next baby(ies) life.  Warranted?  Yes, I think so.  Will these fears go away? Probably not, but I hopefully won't feel them every single day.  Hopefully, every day means a lessened sense of fear.

Other fears? Like Rachel, I often fear that I am not enough.  I want to help others, and often wish I could make my blog reach more people.  So many people suffer in silence.  So many feel like they don't have a place or person to talk to about their baby that they lost.  I feel a need to help others find that outlet that let's them release their pain, that allows them to speak of their baby if they feel the need to.  The dwindling number of daily reads often reinforces that fear.  What can I do to get more views and touch more people?  How can I find the right words to touch someone?

I fear March 13th.  I fear March altogether yet there's no avoiding it.  Merely days away. I shudder.  How do I overcome this?  Hopefully, I'll tell you in about a month's time.

We all have fears, rational or not.  I think it's part of human nature.  The secret though?  You can surmount your fears.  Easy to do?  Not at all.  But if you don't try, you won't know.  And if you think you can, you most likely will.  This notion was reinforced for me on the train this morning as I listened to Britney Spears belt out "Now I'm stronger than yesterday. Now it's nothing but my way" and came across this quote - "I can and I will. Watch me".  I don't fear death like I did before. The monumental loss of my son doesn't mean I invite death to take me, but rather gives me something to look forward to once my day does come.  I will see my son again.  I don't fear being judged as I did through my early adulthood.  Someone doesn't like me? Eh, their loss.  Life will throw more my way, I am sure.  I pray that it is not another pregnancy or child loss.  Actually I pray I don't have to deal with any loss for a long time.  However, whatever life is going to throw at me, whatever fear comes my way, I will try my best to vanquish it.  Actually, fear - "I can and I will. Watch me."

Do you have fears that need conquering?

Positively February: Day 25

"When it rains, it pours... but soon, the sun shines again."

When it rains, it pours.  I think I've probably heard this saying more than any other in my life.  And like many other sayings, it has stood the test of time and has proven to be right.

Everything seems to always happen all at once when going through tough times.  Granted, something bad could happen tomorrow and I'd be asking life to give me a break!  I've had enough tough times for a lifetime, yet I know they are more than likely far from over.  Such is life.

Out of the darkness comes light.  Every morning the sun rises again.  Once the rain ceases, the sun comes back out, and there is often the chance of a rainbow.  All these metaphors are symbols of hope for renewed happiness.  And while we cannot often see that happiness is not terribly far away, it is something you will, if you let it, appear down the path of your journey of grief - down the path of your journey through life.

Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it does help cauterize the wound, and leaves a wonderful scar full of memories.  Embrace those, never let them go.  They will help you through this adventure we call life.

Rachel's Pursuit of Purpose Workshop - Session 1

My friend Rachel Lewis, who I've mentioned a few times in my blog, is organizing and leading a blog workshop (really fun idea Rachel!!).  It's designed to help you find your purpose, develop your purpose or to help you achieve it.  This is exactly what I feel like I needed.  So thank you Rachel!  For more details, and if you are interested in participating, please visit Rachel's blog "the lewis note".  And even more details: Pursuit of Purpose Workshop: Session 1

Session 1: "Pick 3 events of brokenness in your life that have shaped you or molded you in some fashion."

It would be comforting if finding 3 events of brokenness in my life was a difficult task.  Alas, I have so many that I don't really know which ones to choose.  When it boils down to it though:

Losing Preston is definitely the one that comes to mind first.  I wouldn't be writing my blog if I had not lost him.  I don't believe I'd be finding a purpose, trying to find a purpose or trying to achieve a purpose other than being a good mom, if I had not lost him.

My miscarriage, also comes to mind.  And while I have accepted this loss, it still created a shift in how I see things.  How I feel about things.  How I live.

My health.... my darned health issues.  Take your pick: Crohn's disease, surgeries, hospitalizations, pre-eclampsia, HELLP syndrome.  They've all taken their toll on me at some point.  They've all shaped me.  My health has taught me so much.

Depression.  While I never had it diagnosed, I strongly believe that I suffered from depression when I first moved to the States.  Everything was new.  I couldn't work and felt like I had no purpose.  Really, when it comes down to it, that's how I felt.  I had the "I'll do it tomorrow" philosophy because there was always a tomorrow.  That too carved me into a different person, and I rather hope that it continues to.

So I guess there you have it:

1. Losing Preston
2. Miscarriage (and suspected miscarriages)
3. Health issues
4. Depression

And I am listing 1 and 2 separately because I dealt with them in such different ways.  I feel differently about them.  Perhaps that's wrong, but I feel how I feel.

Positively February: Day 24

"There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature" - Rachel Carson

Let me start off by saying, I can't believe it's already day 24.  4 more days and project complete! I have so many saves quotes, that I won't get to use.  Perhaps it'll just mean I need to do a random post inspired by a positive quote every now and then. :)

I wavered back and forth tonight on which quote to use.  This isn't where my mind is at tonight, but I couldn't find anything to fit my mood either.  This was one of the saved quotes I had.

I have found a lot of healing within nature.  Preston's garden created a time and place of meditation almost.  Walks in the park, through the tall grass, fragrant and colorful flowers gave me pause.  It was peaceful to be among these beautiful creations of God.  It helped me feel closer to God, and to Preston, when my faith was really shaken, and my son felt further and further away.

There's something incredibly soothing about watching the snowflakes fall in winter.  I find that same calmness when hearing raindrops tap on the rooftop and windows as I try to go to sleep on a warm summer night.  Waking up to chirping birds helps my day start with a smile.  The sunrise with it's rainbow of colors has a way of pacifying my mood.  The sunset, has a similar effect.

Let nature do it's magic.  Allow yourself to feel the cleansing aura that comes from nature, and all of it's living creatures.  Let go of your thoughts, if just for a moment next time it snows, or rains, next time you see a sunset or sunrise.  Breathe in slowly, and let it out slower.  Can you feel the serenity?

Is there something within nature that you find more relaxing than another?

Positively February: Day 23

"Never underestimate the power of a simple hug."

If I had more time, I would have come up with a much better picture of a hug... instead I take you back to 1983 where I was hugging my stuffed dog "Woofwoof".  I know original right?

I think it's important to touch on the hug.  Sometimes, you think you are doing okay, and you get a meaningful hug out of the blue, and it just releases all that negative energy you had in you.  It makes stress fly away, even when you didn't know it was present.  Sometimes, it even results in the shedding of tears you didn't know you were holding back.

A hug is a simple thing to do.  It is free.  It can change the outcome of someone's day.  It can be just what they needed.  It can remind them, that you care.  It's worth more than a hundred words, especially when you feel you can't find the "right" ones.  When in doubt, give a hug.  You can't really go wrong.

There have been several instances where a friend just came to give me a hug and it was exactly what I needed.  That hug that says, "I know you are telling me you are okay, but I know you aren't".  Those are some of the best kind.  I think the one that sticks out the most to me was when I'd been emailing back and forth with Jessica one morning, and she just came over and hugged me 10 minutes later.  I didn't know I needed it.  I shed some tears.  I think she did too.  It taught me to appreciate hugs so much more than I ever had before.  It taught me to give them more often.

I didn't get to hug Preston much, being that he was just a baby.  But, I did several times, without too much pressure.  It was one of the most powerful feelings in the world.  After he passed away, I hugged some of his things... like non-stop.  I slept with his onesie and blanket for weeks and weeks.  It got easier, I guess is the word.  A hug can be so comforting.  I think we truly undervalue and think too little of hugs.

We don't know what everyone else is going through or their most inner thoughts.  Everyone has their dark battles.  Everyone has their struggles.  Don't compare them to yours, you can't.  Your fights are yours, and others have theirs.  Perhaps it seems menial to you, but it could be the largest mountain they've ever climbed.  Instead, just give a hug when it seems like your friend is having a rough day.  Hug your friend when congratulating him or her.  Hug just because.  You just never know.  I know one thing for sure - I don't always know when I need a hug.  When's the last time you hugged someone?

Positively February: Day 22

"Always Do Your Best.  Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret" - Miguel Angel Ruiz

Perseverance.  Determination.  Tenacity.  These aren't always easy to find within ourselves.  When you are at your lowest, it isn't the first thing that comes to mind.  Usually, it doesn't even cross your mind. When I was first diagnosed with Crohn's disease I felt defeated.  I felt like my life was over.  I was 18, and I was scared.  I didn't know enough about the condition, about what it meant, but I let the words "incurable disease" absolutely destroy me.  Doing my best didn't even come to mind.  Eventually though, I found courage.  That courage and optimism helped me move forward.  It pushed me to research the disease.  It enabled me find coping mechanisms, and to find ways to "ride out" the flare-ups.

In June of 2009, I had surgery to remove my septic gall-bladder.  I didn't just feel defeated, I was defeated.  I told myself recovery was going to be slow, and so it was slow.  I let every pull in my abdomen crush my recovery.  I didn't know better.  I did not do my best. Those two experiences shaped my future recoveries.  It pushed me to do my best when it came to recovering from two bowel obstructions in 2012 and subsequently two bowel resections in October 2012.  I stopped the pain meds as soon as possible.  I joined the gym to get stronger as soon as the doctor cleared me.  With my c-section, I walked and walked as soon as possible, to get stronger for my baby boy, my sweet P, who needed me.

Grief has a way of halting my ability to do the best I can.  However, under the circumstances, I've come to learn that every day, I am doing my best.  Some days, my best is managing to get through the day without feeling like I'm about to fall apart.  Other days, I find the motivation to get on the exercise bike for 15 minutes.  I need more of those days, but when they don't happen, I remind myself that I'm doing the best that I can.  That makes me feel better, stronger and gives me hope that tomorrow, I might just do even better.

Positively February: Day 21

"Never fear shadows.  They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby."

I've often said, grief walk hand in hand with guilt.  It follows you like a shadow.  You wonder what you could have done differently to prevent your loss.  You ponder if you made the right decisions.  You evaluate every single action.  You torture yourself with questions you probably will never have answers to.

This shadow, I wish it would leave my side.  I wish it would exit my mind.  Yet, it does not.  Or usually not for extended periods of time.

Grief brings sadness.  Again this sadness is always chasing you like your shadow does, as you try to run away from it.  It is ready to creep up on you without a moment's notice.  We were watching a show today, and one of the character's mom passed away in her sleep.  That sent me for a loop.  That's what happen to Preston.  He took a nap and never woke up.  At least, I hope that's what happened since we don't really know for sure since the nanny had left him alone.  I would imagine, at least, this is a peaceful way to go.

Grief brings a lot of emotions and thoughts that will try to pull you into darkness.  These strong, often negative emotions lurk in the shadows ready to pounce on you when you are vulnerable, or more vulnerable.  I imagine, that these dark feelings and ideas will always be somewhere nearby.

Despite the shadows though, we always have the power to let the light in.  We can allow positivity into our lives and concentrate on the good memories, however few they may be.  We can remind ourselves that while the guilt is there, deep inside, we know we did EVERYTHING we could.  And the sadness?  Well the sadness, it exists because the love was so great.  The love will always be there.  Your child lives in your heart forever.  And if that's not a symbol of a light shining somewhere nearby, I don't know what is.

Positively February: Day 20

"I realize now more than ever that the most valuable commodity in life is the feeling you get when you give.  Compassion is the currency that leads to true wealth."  - Jim Carrey

I wanted a funny quote so I thought, Jim Carrey!  There's not many people who are funnier in the world.  Well, I didn't find what I was looking for.  No funny quote.  Just this beautiful one.

To give.  I've always been more a giver than a receiver.  I'm not big on materials.  When it comes to the frivolous, I like my TV shows and my computer and I don't need much else.  I enjoy the occasional clothes shopping binge, I won't lie.  Really though, I've always enjoyed seeing the smile on someone else's face when they receive something - be it big or small.

I've learned in this past year though, that to give doesn't necessarily mean to buy something for someone, or to shower someone with gifts.  You can give your attention and your time.  You can offer words of comfort, or just an ear to listen.  You can give a hug, which can be so needed sometimes.  Really hugs have turned my day around.

I've received so much love and support.  I still receive it.  I try, when possible, to give back whenever possible.  I try to share my experiences for that very reason.  Putting my feelings, my recollections, my personal thoughts out there for anyone to read.. it might just help someone!  The comfort, the encouragements and the support I've received, I feel has turned me into such an Empath.  I have so much compassion for what others are feeling.  I'm still learning how to express it, but I feel the pain of others so easily now.  I understand, even though I'm not there, even though it's not my battle, even though it's not my pain.

It's changed me.  Preston's changed me.  Losing him has changed me.  For the worse?  Probably in some ways.  I'm more scared of certain things, yet I'm fearless in other ways.  I'm more sensitive, yet have a tougher shell.  I'm indifferent to the pettiness that exists around me, yet I'm more compassionate than ever when it comes to what my friends are feeling, what my family is going through, what people I've met along this journey live with every day.

And I do feel richer for it.

And when all else fails, and I do need a laugh after all - "Everytime I'm sad, I imagine a T-Rex trying to put a hat on"

Positively February: Day 19

"No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, you can always turn around."

I hopped on the wrong train on my way home.  I didn't realize, until I was just about at the end of the line, having gone East instead of South.  Oops!  Thankfully, the trains run pretty often around rush hour and I was home just 30 minutes later.  This train and mine look alike and have the same route, until one keeps going South, while the other forks East.  I was listening to Pandora, and so enthralled in my game of Solitaire that I didn't notice until I looked up to get an idea of how close we were getting, that I was not where I should be.

This prompted me to find a different quote than what I'd planned out at lunch time.  We all, at some point, take the wrong turn.  I've done it many times.  Sometimes it takes you some place wonderful that you wouldn't have stumbled upon otherwise.  Sometimes, you are forced down a road you don't want to go down.  And while you can't erase going down that road, you can most certainly turn back.

Everyone experiences life differently, sees it in their own unique way.  For the first several months of grieving, I needed something to do.  I worked, and worked and worked.  I don't need that constant distraction anymore, I've gone down a new path of healing.  It took me a while to get there.  It will take others less time, or more time.  There's no set pace.  It's not a race to the finish.  And I'm not saying that burying myself into work was the "wrong" way to grieve either.  I just found a new path to go down.

Take the road less traveled when possible.  It might be the wrong path.  It might turn into the right path.  Keep in mind though, if it is the wrong path, or it feels wrong, it's never a problem to turn right back around.  I invite you to attempt allowing positivity into your life even if it is a difficult time.  If it doesn't feel right, you will have tried.  And you can try again later.  If it doesn't feel right for now, it's not the wrong answer to turn around.

Positively February: Day 18

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  - Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou.  For the past couple years, I've seen some of her quotes being shared on Facebook.  Lovely quotes too.  Meaningful.  Things that make you smile.  Think.  What a beautiful soul this woman seems to have had.  It inspired me to use one of her quotes today.  There were so many to choose from:

"Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud"

"If you only have one smile in you give it to the people you love"

"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive.  Forgive everybody."

However, the one I chose is the one that spoke to me the most.  I think she was right in what she said.  You don't forget how people make you feel.  Good or bad.  I remember the people who hurt me most.  I remember the people who made me happiest.  When it comes to memory, mine is not great for details.  I often have a hard time recalling what I ate for dinner the previous night.  However, I easily am able to recollect how it made me feel to have teenagers write ridiculous things on my locker in high school.  It felt awful.  The cruel nicknames, and for what reason? I was a quiet girl who minded her own business.  At the same time, I remember extraordinary details about some of the times someone made me incredibly happy.  I remember my wedding day almost better than any other day in my life.  I remember one night, rocking Preston for hours.  Listening to my iPod and signing him all the songs I knew the lyrics to.  I remember how tiny he was.

I remember it like it was yesterday.  And that right there, also makes me feel the deep pain of his absence.  It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't love him so dearly.  I suppose that is the price of love - profound and endless grief.

I hope this doesn't make it sound like I'm always sad.  I am not.  Remembering Preston most often brings a smile to my face.  He was and is and always will be a symbol of happiness for me.  But yes, I do feel the sadness too.  Sometimes the sorrow feels bottomless.  At times it is more subtle, like the shadow that follows me everywhere without my noticing it.

The important thing is, our memories are completely linked to our emotions.  Conversations and actions will fade.  Feelings do not.  Tread lightly when you think about saying something that might be hurtful.  "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  Pranks can be funny, but taking them too far can break someone.

Taking it to the opposite spectrum, reaching out your hand to help out someone in need could change their day, their life.  Just imagine how that would feel!  Offering comforting words during a difficult time... from experience, I can tell you it can change everything.  I remember and will always remember the people who have supported me, and who keep on supporting me.  They have a treasured place in my heart.  They have been my saving grace. <3

Positively February: Day 17

"Life is like a book, some chapters sad, some happy, and some exciting.  But if you never turn the page...  You will never know what the next chapter holds"


Keep going.  An simple notion in theory, but definitely not always easy to practice.  We all have difficult days.  Today hasn't been a particularly good day.  I'm realizing that I'm needing to give myself a kick in the butt to get certain things taken care of, and sometimes, those eye opening moments are hard to stomach.  Hard to face.

Comparing life to a book...what a fabulous analogy.  Our life is filled by different chapters: childhood, school years, career, marriage, parenthood, sickness, etc.  Our lives are all different, like books.  Some resemble one another, but no two books are alike.  Our lives aren't comparable.  Our grief is distinctively different.

My life contains some tragically heartbreaking chapters.  Losing Preston, I can't imagine anything worse, nor do I want to.  Despite this life changing event, much like with a book, I want to keep "reading" to find out what the next chapter in my life has in store for me.  Another child or two or three?  A career I can be proud of?  Dreams that could possibly come true?  Finding a way to truly express my new-found purpose?

I will never know, unless I keep going.  We must all keep going, and find out what comes next.

Positively February: Day 16

"You can do the impossible because you have been through the unimaginable." - Christina Rasmussen



"I couldn't do what you do."

"I don't know how you do it."

"I couldn't go on"

"I would just die"

Believe it or not, I've had the above things said to me, or some variation of them anyway.  Did they upset me?  Considering the circumstances, I understood that my friends, family and acquaintances just didn't know what to say to me.  At the same time, my mind and heart was still grasping at what occurred.  Losing your child is something you dread, but something that really is unimaginable, because really who wants to put themselves through that much torture by imagining it?

I've read the accounts of many grieving parents in these past 11 months.  These words, to many, stung.  They didn't feel helpful.  When you think about it, they aren't helpful, quite frankly.  However, having lost my son, I can tell you that in the moment, I can't be sure that I wouldn't utter similar things.  You feel helpless toward your friend, your family, but you want to do something and words just come out.  If you are the recipient of such words, when the dust settles a little and you regain your footing, I hope you are able to realize that no harm was meant.  No loved one would dream of adding to the pain we already feel.  What we are living through is already inhuman.

What do I say to "I couldn't do what you do" or "I couldn't go on"?  I say, yes you could.  I don't wish it upon you, but you would, because you'd have no alternative.  It isn't strength, it's survival.  Or perhaps it is strength, but that strength was built up through survival.

What do I say to "I don't know how you do it"?  Quite frankly, I don't either.  I take it as it comes.  One day at a time.  Sometimes one moment at a time.

What do I say to "I would just die"?  Part of me died.  A whole big chunk of me died, and I'm still trying to find a way to make a whole out of the pieces that remain.  My life is completely different.  In many ways, it is worse.  It's filled with sadness.  Be that as it may, I will boldly say, that in certain ways, my life is better.  I appreciate everything a lot more.  I see beauty in everything.  I have much more compassion and empathy.  I don't take anything for granted, or at least, I try very hard not to.  I try not to let negativity into my life, again there's a lot of try involved.  I have a lot more resolve.  I feel I have a true purpose.

I pray that I would have found all these positive things if I was still holding my son with his legs and toes wiggling around as he loved doing so.  I refuse to see it as a lesson I've learned through losing Preston.  If it is, dwelling on that fact wouldn't do me any good.  Regardless, this is who I am now.  I can do the impossible.  I'm surviving the unimaginable every day of my life.

You can do the impossible too.  Is it unimaginable for you to get that promotion you've been wanting? Or unimaginable for you to get your dream job?  What's stopping you?  Make the unimaginable possible.

Positively February: Day 15

"I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday."

Healing can be a slow process.  Healing is not linear as it is filled with waves.  Waves of emotions and events.  All the same, every day, you are closer to being healed than you were the previous day.

Every day where you get out of bed, you are one step closer.  Every little step you take, you are closer than you were yesterday.  A little step it all it takes.  Getting dressed.  Making dinner or just actually eating.  Going for a calm walk.

I know.  None of it is easy.  Especially not during the first days, first months, first special occasions.   Not to sound depressing or pessimist, it's never really easy.  It's just different and it becomes part of you.  Healing, slowly but surely becomes part of your reality.

With positive energy and thoughts, we can achieve a lot of really amazing things.  Most importantly, for me anyway as a bereaved parent, it helps me with the notion that I am doing better than I was yesterday.

Set-backs occur for sure.  Just yesterday I found myself crying as I looked at pictures of Preston.  This isn't something that usually happens.  For whatever reason, yesterday, it brought a half hour of tears.  It felt like daggers kept stabbing me in the heart.  Does that mean that yesterday, I wasn't closer than I was the day before? No.  Grief is not linear, just like healing.  I just keep reminding myself of what my friend Krystal's told me many times.  Every day, I am one day closer to being reunited with Preston.  And that's all the proof I need to know that this quote is for real.

Positively February: Day 14

"Do all things with love." - Og Mandino

Valentine's Day is a bittersweet day for me.  3 years ago, it was confirmed that I'd had a missed miscarriage on this very day.  That is, our baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, when I should have been 9 weeks along.  I remember the emotions.  I remember the deep pain and broken dreams.  There would be no pain, loss of dreams or sorrow without love, and this simple fact brings me a lot of peace.

My husband is the sweetest.  For Valentine's he got me two Pandora (charm bracelet) spacers, which are multicolored and sparkle in the light.  Rainbows if you will.  And rainbows bring a smile to my face, and remind me of my son, Preston - my rainbow baby.

And now, we watch "Hockey Night in Canada" on the NHL network.  What a wonderful day this turned out to be after all.

As for today's quote, I think if we can do as it says, all things in love, our lives will be enriched.  We will smile more.  Is it possible to do everything with love? Probably not.  But we can most likely do, a lot more.  Worth a try right?

Positively February: Day 13

"Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate."

We easy fall into the trap of wishing the opposing team to losing, whatever spot we are watching.  For example, I've disliked many hockey teams for a long time - the Bruins and the Flyers to name a couple.  Do I really have a reason for disliking these teams, aside from the rivalry that exists with my favorite team?  Perhaps not a really good one.  Boston and Philadelphia's team use a lot of physical plays which I don't necessarily enjoy, but that does not mean that every player on that team isn't trying the best they can to succeed.

My husband has shown me that with baseball, he never really cheers for a team to lose.  And when I think about it really hard, he's right, it isn't nice to wish bad upon others, even if that "bad" is just that they lose a hockey or baseball game.  Rather, cheer for a team, a player.  Egg them on and encourage them.  Just like you'd like people to treat you throughout your every day life.  After all, they are working and they have stress and self-esteem too.  What does booing really accomplish aside than tell a someone that they aren't liked?

If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all.

Life is so short.  Don't spend your time spreading negative energy.  There's enough of it going around already.  Rather, encourage those you love.  Cheer for your favorites.  Spread a little happiness.  You just never know who's day you might be making.

PS. If you can keep my uncle in your prayers for the next week or so.  He's to have open heart surgery soon.  Thank you <3

Positively February: Day 12

"Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments" - Rose Kennedy

My husband has told me several times that I should try not to make a milestone out of everything.  His words are wise, yet I struggle not to do so.  I've hit the one year mark from when I returned to work from my maternity leave, and I'm a month away from landing on the one year that marks the last time I saw my little boy wiggle around.  It's difficult not to see these dates come, or acknowledge what is or what should be.

However, today, I'm reminded that I should continue to strive to not make milestones out of every day, out of every missed "firsts".  I had a particularly difficult afternoon.  I had a dentist appointment with a specialist, and the receptionist commented on my necklace: "That's a beautiful necklace!  Is it for your children?".  Me: "Yes, it was given to me by my aunt, uncle and cousins after my son passed away last year".  Receptionist: "Well it's absolutely beautiful".  I couldn't look her in the eye.  I felt like I'd made her uncomfortable even when it wasn't my intention.  Perhaps I didn't make her uncomfortable, I just don't know, but it was the feeling that overtook me.  I later had to explain my blood pressure issue to one of the assistants, which again prompted me to bring up Preston's passing.  More feelings of awkwardness.

I usually don't feel this way when I speak of my son.  I must have just been more emotional today.  Or maybe I felt vulnerable because I was at the dentist.  I don't like going, like most.  Or maybe, it was just one of those rough days that I touched on yesterday.  I did, try to take the advice from yesterday's quote and remind myself of my track record.  It helped.

I also had an appointment with my OB.  My final check-up regarding my blood pressure (which was fine).  My OB is really sweet, and so easy to talk to.  I was vulnerable from my earlier thoughts and conversations.  We talked about future pregnancies, about Preston.  She mentioned how much she loved what we did for his birthday.  We talked about how closely she would follow me once I become pregnant, one day.  She said there would be more appointments, more ultrasounds.  Basically, a lot of it would be for my mental health as she understands how much of a mess I will be.

It's interesting to long for something yet fear it.  I don't fear it enough to let it deter me, but I know there will be tough moments, having had both a miscarriage and lost an infant.  A pregnancy would be cause for great joy, and excitement.  But there would be moments of pure fear.  The same once I would hold my baby, and probably throughout the first year, and past.

My OB reminded me that all parents fear for their children.  They all think about SIDS, or car accidents, or kidnappings.  It isn't because I feared that SIDS could happen, that it did happen.  It was just the 1 in X.  It made me cry but it made me feel better.  She told me about a patient she had whose firstborn was stillborn but went on to have 2 other children.  She's looking into obtaining contact information for me to talk to her.  I feel blessed to have special in my life, that are willing to do what they can to make things easier for me.

But the thing that really just turned my day around?  My friend Krystal gave birth to her little girl today.  A perfect little lady.  And that gave me hope.  It made me remember that I have great moments to hold on to.  Preston may have never walked, or talked.  He may never have blown out candles or crawled.  But every day, I can remember the wonderful moments he gave me.  The smiles he gave me.  The way he would kick his little feet all_the_time.  The way he always wanted to say something.  The nights where I'd rock him to sleep and just hold him even when he'd been asleep for hours.

Life really isn't about milestones.  It's about the moments.  Cherish those moments.  They are more precious than you realize.

Positively February: Day 11

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good." - Unknown

Over the past month or so, I've saved dozens of positive quotes, but this morning, none of them felt right.  While on the train, I browsed more quotes.  Quotes about healing, about life, about grief, about moving forward.  It wasn't until I stumbled upon this one, that I just knew it was the right one.

I've mentioned it before, I strongly believe that all bereaved parents are survivors, whether they see it or not.  Whether they feel it.  After all, there's a name for everything else - if you lose your spouse, you are a widow or widower.  If you lose your parents you are an orphan.  There is no word for parents who lose their child.  And so, I present to you - survivor.  That's what we are.

I am still standing.

The rough days happen.  Sometimes you expect them because of whatever day it is.  I'm not particularly looking forward to Friday the 13th.  I am not really superstitious, but I don't like the 13th anymore.  My son died on March 13th.  And this year, it's on a Friday.  And the month before getting to that dreadful date, also a Friday.  It's like the universe is rubbing salt into my still very fresh wounds.  Regardless, the tough days occur.  Whether because of "special" date.  Or because it snowed, or didn't snow.  Or perhaps because you saw something that triggered a memory, good or bad.

I am still standing.

I suffered a lot through all the flare ups caused by Crohn's.  Because of the bowel obstructions.  Due to operations and the recovery it entails.  Through the thousands of needle pricks, which I will continue to receive for the rest of my life.  As much as I wish it wouldn't happen again, a chronic illness is just that, chronic.  The odds of it returning, are high.  Bring it!

I am still standing.

My son passed away.  My sweet, sweet little boy of 16 weeks.  Prior to that, I miscarried.  That I know of, I know for sure once, though I suspect it is more.  A few days away will mark the 3 year mark of the loss of baby H.  I should have a child of 2 and a half and of 14 months.  Instead, I have angels in Heaven.

I am still standing.

I survive.  It's not by choice.  It's by necessity.  It's not to be brave and courageous.  It's to honor the precious life that we do have.  It's to honor the life that our babies whose lives were cut way too short.  It's not to save face, because really after what we, bereaved parents, have gone through, saving face is the last thing on our mind.  It's about finding a new purpose and thriving off of that in order to find new meaning to our lives.

We are still standing.  A community of survivors.  Hand in hand, we continue to walk this journey together.  With all that we've already survived, even if it is difficult to believe, we will continue to withstand the pain and the adversities life has in store for us.  I pray that none include the loss of more babies.  I pray with all my heart.

When the going gets tough, take a deep, deep breath.  And remember your track record for surviving.  It is 100%.

Positively February: Day 10

"She stood in the storm & when the wind did not blow her way, she adjusted her sails." - Elizabeth Edwards

According to Wikipedia, Elizabeth Edwards was "an American attorney, a best-selling author and a health care activist."  I'd never heard of her, and I'm certainly thankful for having come across her story.  Her 16-17 year old son passed away after a car accident in 1996.  She had breast cancer, which she appeared to have beaten, however it came back with a vengeance and she passed away in 2010.  In her shortened life, she accomplished so much.  She survived the loss of a child.  She dealt with infidelity.  She suffered through cancer.  Yet, she accomplished so much.  She was a lawyer.  She was a teacher.  She was a mother.  She was an author and wrote about her struggles, the unthinkable pain of losing a child, and battling cancer.  I will be purchasing both her books for certain, as while her life battles are not the same, they resemble mine.  I feel like I would easily be able to relate to her thoughts and experiences, having too suffered the loss of my son, and deal with an incurable illness.  She definitely found her purpose.

It seems to me, that often times, after living through trauma, you tend to seek a meaning, a purpose.  Why am I on this earth? I must be here for a reason!  I thought it was just me, until I read my friend Rachel's blog post titled: In Pursuit of Purpose.  I have so much to say on the subject, that I really haven't commented on her post.  I plan to email Rachel because really, this post is so completely inspiring and exactly what I needed to read.

I think Elizabeth Edwards' quote ties perfectly into this.  Life can be filled with storms, with winds that will knock us down.  And there are times where it is really difficult to navigate through this storm.  The fog can totally cloud our vision.  The trick is to learn to sail.  You don't get it right the first time you try.  You will always need to re-adjust the sails, but when you do, things will feel easier, better.

All these metaphors to say, life will keep throwing "stuff" at you.  Things you can't handle, don't want to deal with but have to learn to live with.  And sometimes you won't be able to, and that's perfectly ok.  When you find that purpose, those reasons to keep going, you will create a new routine.  Things will never be the same, but you have control of what you do, what you think.  By making changes, adjustments, you will find your meaning.  That meaning may be to become a nurse.  Or it could be to follow that childhood dream of becoming a teacher.  That meaning could be to concentrate all your energy on being a mother - whether it be biologically, through adoption or surrogacy or even through fostering a child.  I'm sure Rachel's blog could give you a lot of insight on that.

Really, the possibilities are endless.  I hope you find your purpose.

Positively February: Day 9

"You are not alone"

I saw this quote this morning on Facebook, on the First Candle SIDS/SUID Support Group Page.  It's one I've often seen posted by Allison Glover who is a grief counselor at First Candle and manages the Facebook page.  She like me, is a SIDS mom who lost her firstborn son.  She's shared the quote "You are not alone" on several occasions.  I felt it was appropriate for today.

Through grief, we navigate every day and often feel solitude.  We feel excluded.  We feel alone.  Even when surrounded by friends and family, we continually extremely lonely.  Forsaken even.  Our thoughts often propel us further down a path of seclusion.

What we all need to be reminded of though, and often, that we are not alone.  1 in 4 pregnancies result in a loss.  You are not alone.  That means, there's most likely a handful of women you know that have suffered a loss.  Additionally, support groups for all types of losses exist, and I bet you anything, even if your loss doesn't fall exactly into the categories of a certain group, you wouldn't be turned away.  

I attend monthly group meetings for SIDS parents, and while the majority of parents who attend are SIDS parents, I've met several that did not lose their child to SIDS.  They are never shunned, and are more than encouraged to attend.  You are not alone.

Truth is, no one's story is exactly the same, there are people out there who will understand.  There are people who will know the feelings you are experiencing, even if they aren't in the same exact place you are.  Even if they felt anger before guilt, and you felt guilt, then anger.  

You are not alone.

There is a loss community out there for you.  Whether it's on BBC or through a charitable organization like First Candle, or Angel Eyes.  Whether it's through a counselor or something suggested by your church, or doctor.  Whether, it's simply through reading the chronicles of bereaved parents like me through blogs.

To add another quote - "Family isn't always blood.  They're the people in your life who want you in theirs - the ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what".  I'm blessed to have a wonderful family but I'm also extremely fortunate to have my grief family, who make me feel less alone, day in and day out.  I pray every day that I am able to return the love and support you always have shown me.


On a total side note - I wanted to share two pictures of Preston.  They are among my favorites, and you most likely have seen them already.  I like how he goes from totally focused, to all smiles in an instant.  Gotta love that his little leg is out of focus, reminds me how much he loved to kick around all the time.  Miss you baby boy.

I wanted to share those today because I took them one year ago today, on February 9th, 2014.

Positively February: Day 8

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" - Confucius

So you probably think I'm redundant as this goes hand in hand with my mantra - "One day at a time, one step at a time".  That's how important I think it is for us to set small goals especially when you are dealing with the unthinkable, but even if you aren't.  You can't reach the goal without taking steps first.  You can't cross the finish line before crossing the start line.

We often set too many goals at once, or goals that are too ambitious.  Maybe it would be a good idea to set a goal, and then set objectives within that goal.  For example, I want to do a good thorough spring cleaning in the house.  I could say, I want it done by the end of February, or even March, and that could be really unrealistic.  I'm away from the house for basically 12 hours every weekday.  Instead, these are my objectives - one room per weekend.  And if something comes up one weekend where I can't get it done, then so be it.  Whether that "something" be that we're going away for the weekend, or that I'm grieving too hard another.

One foot in front of the other.  One small step at a time.  I truly am on a journey of a thousand miles.  More likely, an endless journey.  By embracing positivity, by allowing healing into my life, and by taking things slow, I hope to make this journey less painful to go through.  For me, for others around me.  For others, who might be able to do the same.

Preston, thank you for helping me keep this attitude, when the biggest part of me, wants nothing to do with positivity and moving forward.  I couldn't do it without having you in my life, in my heart.

Positively February: Day 7

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings into Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." - Eskimo Proverb

In the days and weeks following the loss of Preston, I had a lot of trouble sleeping.  My body was still used to the routine of feeding my son around 10:30-11:00 before putting him down for the night.  I'd just recently returned to work, and really I had this routine down.  I didn't sleep for hours on end, but I didn't feel fatigue all too much.  I was used to sleeping from 11:30 or 12:00 until 5:00.  With that routine being gone, my body didn't really understand trying to go to bed at 10:00.  Nor did my mind.  My mind kept me up for hours on end.  Not knowing what to do, how to grieve, how to do anything really, I tried to read a lot.  Stories of people in my shoes.  Quotes about losing a baby and how to cope.

I remember reading this quote.  Actually, I read probably hundreds of quotes, as tears streamed down my cheeks until there were just no more and the exhaustion took over me and I could finally sleep for maybe 2 or 3 hours.  This quote stayed with me though.  It made looking at the night sky, something that symbolized hope.  Star gazing is something I've always enjoyed.  When we'd go to our fishing cottage, we'd sometimes go out late at night and admire how many stars we could see.  How bright they were!  They seemed so close.  Being 7 hours North of Montreal, they probably were a lot closer.  I get that same sensation here in Colorado.  The stars are so much brighter.  They seem bigger.

I love this Eskimo proverb because it's so simple, and it's something fun to believe in.  Especially now that Preston has his own star!  On his birthday, and #SpreadHappinessForPreston day, my friend and co-worker Lisa gave me a certificate of a star she purchased and had named: Preston William Haugen.  I was so moved by this unique gesture.  I cried.  Happy tears they were.  This star, the love behind it's purchase, makes it easy to look up at the night sky and think of Preston and smile as his love shines down on me.  Much like Preston, Lisa's aunt is in Heaven.  I'm sure they are fast friends, and I love to think that this loving woman is keeping an eye on my son.  And as Lisa said: "They are both now not only our guardian angels, but our shining stars - together".  I agree whole-heartingly.

And if you know me, this probably doesn't surprise you, I looked into this constellation of Giraffe.  It's latin name is actually Camelopardalis, which means camel and leopard.  It was named so because it the constellation appears to have a long neck (like a camel and giraffe) and has spots all over (like a leopard and again giraffe).  I love that it's connected to the leopard as this big cat, is one of the wildcats featured on Big Cat Diary which Brett would watch every morning as he gave Preston his first feeding of the day.  After eating while staring at his favorite colorful painting, Preston would watch the moving shapes of the cats on the television as he sat there digesting, and burping.  He seemed to like it and think the music and narration was calming.

I hope that I can one day see this constellation.  It's to the right of Ursa Major, so it's highly possible.  And if I ever do, I pray that it truly is an opening into Heaven, where maybe, just maybe, I can get a glimpse of Preston shining down on me.

What do you think about when you look up at the night sky?

Positively February: Day 6

"Healing through giref is not about learning to STOP missing you.  It's about learning to live my life WHILE missing you."

These are wise words.  Unfortunately, many grieving parents hear words that would be better left unsaid: "Aren't you over it yet?", "At least he/she was only a few months old, it would have been worse if he/she was older", "You can have other kids", "You will move on, it just takes a bit of time".  I'm sure the intention behind these atrocities are nothing but good, but such statements as these are  terribly hurtful.  Children aren't interchangeable.  A child cannot replace another.  Age doesn't matter, once you are pregnant and long and love your baby, it's traumatic to live through a loss.  You don't move on, or get over it.  Ever.

The wise words above though, they speak the truth.  There is not a day that goes by where I don't miss Preston, think of Preston, and wonder what could have been.  As the time goes tick tock though, I am learning to live my life without him, while missing him.  Missing Preston is part of me now.  It will not go away, and that's perfectly okay.  I can smile and laugh.  I can have fun and relax.  This doesn't mean I'm not grieving.  This doesn't equate to having "moved on" or "being over it".  There's no "at least" in grief.  There's no "being over it" and there is no "moving on".  There is moving forward.  There is healing.

You may be the victim of some harsh words.  I hope with all my heart that I'm right and that if it does happen, the intention wasn't to be hurtful.  People just don't know what to say.  They think they are being helpful, not hurtful.  Losing your child isn't something you ever imagine, or should imagine.  And even if I were in a situation where I would have to say something to someone who lost a baby, I don't think I'd know what to say, and I may mistakenly utter a "at least".

If you have such words said to you, remember this quote.  You don't have to move on because society says you have to.  You don't have to get over it and return to your "old" self.  You will heal, but you will miss your baby forever.  And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. <3

Positively February: Day 5

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself.  The challenge is to silence the mind." - Caroline Myss

I had to look up who Caroline Myss is, unlike Helen Keller who didn't need an introduction.  Caroline  Myss is an american best-selling author who describes herself as a "medical intuitive" and "a mystic".  This is what I found on Wikipedia anyway.  Regardless of what she calls herself, I really like this quote.

"The soul always know what to do to heal itself."  I suppose that's true.  You often become weak when deeply wounded.  You become tired and you sleep a lot more.  Your thoughts become cloudy as the body attempts to protect the mind, the heart.  You look for answers.  You are moved by the simple gestures, and sometimes simply the whisper of the wind.  You become more in tune with your emotions.  The pettiness around you no longer matters.

At least, that's how it worked for me.  As every individual is different, every soul is distinct in it's own very way.  Hopefully suggestions don't hurt though, and you can attempt a few to see how it feeds your soul.  How it possibly heals your being.

• On your day off, just lay in bed and listen to the sounds of nature early in the morning.  The chirps of the birds.  The soft wind.  The leaves swaying in the trees.
• Take a nature walk.  It doesn't have to be in a field, or forest.  It can be in a simple little park.  Admire the beauty that radiates from all that is living.  And I know, living things, can be a tough concept to grasp.
• Lay in the grass and notice all that is around you.  The vast sky.  The grass beneath you.
• Slow down
• Think about good times.  Cherish those moments.

Those are just a few things to try.

"The challenge is to silence the mind."  Ain't that the truth!  I struggle with my mind a lot.  It keeps trying to push me in directions I don't want to go.  It keeps challenging my faith.  Over and over.  And again.  It keeps wanting answers.  It attempts to bring out the anger that is buried slightly below the surface.  It attacks my healing journey and can make it collapse like a house of cards.

I was blindsided today.  I was looking for something that I knew was among the sympathy cards we received after Preston passed.  I'd forgotten how voluminous this mountain of cards was.  Among them, also a handful of cards celebrating Preston's arrival.  The sheer number of cards, coupled with the reminder of what true happiness felt like.  It was enough to make my head spin.  Moments later, it was hubby who was thrown into a downward spiral, as he needed to get Preston's social security card from his nursery for our tax return.  Because he had to declare Preston as deceased.  The reminders never end do they?

Thankfully we have each other.  We're there when the other struggles.  We often ride this roller coaster ride together though we aren't always in the same car.  And I have a huge support system which includes all my readers.  And everyone, no matter what you are going through - you are not alone.  Remember that when your mind goes to dark places.  

Perhaps what I'm trying to say by all this, as my husband didn't quite understand why this quote was positive - your brain will continue to think about the darkness, the emptiness and the sadness.  The key is to steer it into another direction.  Don't take the "silence the mind" too literally  but rather concentrate on the positives.  For me, as difficult as it is - I concentrate on the 16 weeks I had with Preston.  For baby H, who I only carried for 9 weeks, I cherish those 9 weeks.  How they made me feel.  How amazing seeing the sonogram for the first time felt.  And to a certain extent, I reflect on how the loss made me feel.  The deep emptiness and pain - it showed me a whole new side of love.  And nobody, no thought, no nothing, will ever, ever take that away from me.  My children changed me for the better and that's the most positive thing that could have ever happened to me.

Positively February: Day 4

"A few nice words can help a person a lot more thank you think"

Again, I do not know the author of these words.  It something I stumbled upon and I thought it was so simple, yet so true.

As I'm sure you've heard, words can sting you like a bee.  They can be mean and hurtful.  But, the silver lining is that they can be so nice to hear when the intention behind them is of that of kindness.

I can't describe the overwhelming feeling that came over me the several times I received random messages from strangers who had seen a picture of my son on baby loss forums, and felt compelled to tell me how cute he was.  Or how they had just seen a rainbow and it made them think of my son.  My son who they never met.  I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to me.  How much it made me smile.

It gave me joy.  It made me smile.  It made me feel like the mom of a really special little guy.  It made me feel like my son was making a difference, and really, nothing makes me more proud.

Recently, I've had several people tell me I look great.  This feels really nice since it's been very difficult to lose weight.  It's something I've been struggling with for years because of medications like Prednisone, a pregnancy, and the lack of interest because of the loss of my son.  The fact that people take time out of their day to pay me a compliment, gives me a lot of motivation to keep doing what I'm doing.  The first 5 pounds came off easy.  The next 10 have been arduous and it's a lot of work to keep them off.  I still struggle with it, and I miss eating a lot of foods.  I still have an occasional burger, and of course pizza on the 19th, but I miss bread.  I hardly have any now.

Kind words can be uplifting.  We all have struggles, or bad days.  So, I really try to follow the mantra that is : "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  It's not worth to add to someone's bad day.  And what's better, saying something nice, might go a really, really long way, and you probably don't even realize it.

What the last nice thing you said to someone, just because?