I know this picture looks rather weird. I tried to snap a shot of the sun the other day, and then I played with the HDR and other fun stuff Google allows you to do.. and it gave this. Bright and colorful and I couldn't find anything better in my pictures that could depict forgiveness.
I'm not one to hold grudges. I don't enjoy being in a bad mood. I don't like being negative, or having more to worry about that life's already throwing at me. For that reason, I've usually found it easier to just let go and forgive. That feeling of forgiveness gives you inner peace too. So if you ever think that you wronged me in some way, offended me, or made me sad, know that all is forgiven. There's no place in my heart for bitterness, hatred or resentment. And I'm really hard to offend. I've had people throw stuff on my desk, and just smiled and said thank you, chucking it to a bad day. Every one has them. I try to live a life where I don't offend anyone. I try to live a life where I'm kind to everyone, so, if I ever did anything to offend you, wrong you in some way or upset you, I sincerely request your forgiveness. My intentions aren't bad, but I'm not always the best in social situations.
I guess right now, I still have one thing weighing on my heart. I still need to learn to forgive God, for calling my little boy to him so early in his life. I try hard every day to understand. There's that saying, "everything happens for a reason". I used to believe it, but I don't anymore. There's absolutely no valuable lesson to be learned from losing my son. Perhaps I'm giving back more than I ever did now, but I don't think losing my son was a fair price to pay. Plus, there's no explanation for SIDS, so there's no reason there either.
It is difficult for me to forgive God for this. Most days I do, and I ask for his forgiveness for my unwillingness to let this one thing go. But really, can anyone blame me? I'm sure He understands my pain. He's lived through it. He sacrificed His son. I shouldn't draw a parallel because I didn't sacrifice my son's life to save humanity. I don't think I would if given the choice. I don't think anyone would though. I just need to learn to accept that sometimes things are unexplained. There isn't a reason behind it, it's unfair, but that's just the way it is. It's very difficult to accept, it's very difficult to forgive life, God, and really my body for failing me. Who knows, if I had carried to term, the risks of SIDS would have been greatly reduced. Maybe Preston would still be. But every day, I have to forgive myself, because there's nothing I can do to change the past. Holding this against myself, the world and God, does me no good. So today, I try to forgive that this happened to me. And I will continue to try every day.
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