A sweet scent always follows a storm

We have been plagued by rain for weeks, which is rather unusual for Colorado, event in May.  I tried to dig up some numbers, and I don't know how accurate they are, but here's to just give you an idea.  On average, Denver (30 miles/just under 50 kilometers south of where we live) gets about 2.25 to 2.5 inches of precipitations in May.  So far, Denver has gotten over 6.5 inches and the month isn't quite over, and guess what, it's raining again.

It's pretty much rained every single day, which has prevented me from tiling and seeding my garden.  Perhaps it's not such a bad thing since the temperatures have also dipped rather low at night.  There seemed to be a little layer of frost on the ground this morning.

The weather seems to affect our moods.  I remember in my cashier days at the grocery store, when we'd have 4 consecutive days of rain, the clientele got bad tempered.  They were annoyed by the littlest things, irritable and hard to please.  It gave me an appreciation for not letting the rain affect me.  Living in Colorado, I am grateful for the rain.  Granted, I know that it can easily cause floods in some areas of the state, and I'm not a fan of that.  But if it's not floods, it's wildfires... it doesn't seem like there's a proper balance.

I however can't say that the weather doesn't affect my mood.  A snow storm brings a nice smile to my face.  A rainbow, more smiles.  Sunshine, it just feels nice.  And rain, I personally find it calming.

Friday, on my way home, I struggled.  As I awaited the train, it seems like ambulances were speeding by me, one after the other, sirens blaring and lights blinking.  One even stopped in front of the building I was standing next to.  The paramedics got out, and then the gurney was taken out and I just about lost it.  I haven't seen one since the last time I was in the hospital, saying goodbye to my little boy.  I wasn't in the ambulance with him.  I never saw him come out of the ambulance.  But I've pictured it a million times.  I never get really far before needing to think about something else.  I'm about there right now.

It didn't get better when I got on the train.  We passed another ambulance just a couple stops later.  I hadn't even left downtown and I'd seen at least 3 ambulances, and heard what felt like another 2 or 3.   I hoped it wasn't foreshadowing the type of weekend I was about to have.

I read for most of the train ride home, trying to stay distracted so that my eyes didn't catch another ambulance.  It was raining when I got to the final stop and of course, I'd forgotten my umbrella at work.  Oh well, rain doesn't make you melt and it smells divine.  When I pulled out of the parking garage, to my left, floating in the sky, was a beautiful rainbow.  It was large, and the bright colors pierced through the dark clouds behind it.  The first rainbow of 2015.  Since I was driving, I wasn't able to capture a picture of it.  It made me a little bummed, but I was smiling the whole way home.  My little Preston, shining down on me after some rough moments earlier as I remembered losing him all over again.

When I got home, my friend Dana had posted the following on Facebook:

Preston just wanted to say hi and that he's thinking of you momma!

 Photo courtesy of Dana Matthews Falliaux

Dana, that post meant so much to me.  One, I'm so honored that you think of Preston, that you think of him when you see rainbows and bunnies, but just the fact that you think of him.  And then that you shared this... it memorialized a moment I thought I'd lost when I couldn't take a picture of the first 2015 rainbow.  I'm also so touched that you believe this rainbow was my sweet P saying hi to me.  That's exactly what I thought when I saw it, and it makes me feel less crazy that other people believe it too.  So again, thank you!  You are amazing, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. <3

Even when those bad moments occur, when the going gets rough, know that things will get better, easier.  It might be a slow process, it might take a really long time.  But it does get better.  And in the meantime, savor those moments - be they a calming rainfall or a beautiful ray of sunshine.  Be those moments be filled with clouds, or with a few rainbows, here and there.

There's always a rainbow around the corner

On my way home from work today, the train conductor announced that we were going to have to de-board at the next station due to some mechanical issue.  Usually this type of issue frustrates me.. trains are supposed to be reliable but it happens so often that they aren't.  I didn't feel frustrated today, though I felt bad for hubby who was picking me up from the park-n-ride.  It meant he'd have to sit there and wait.  Unpredictability.  It always shows up sometime doesn't it.

As I stepped off the train, I suddenly realized that I was listening to Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls.  How had this song been on for about a minute without my even noticing?  Well, no wonder I didn't mind that the train had problems causing me to be late.  This all happened right after I saw a rainbow of sorts on a girl's backpack who was waiting for the train on the opposite side of the platform.  The station we'd just left when the service announcement was made about stepping off the train.  On the backpack was what looked like key-chains.  The generic kind, a small oval plastic piece with a ring.  They didn't make up the colors of a traditional rainbow, but there were several colors, all one on top of the others.

These signs from my son today made it a great one.  Seeing that he sent me a unique rainbow, I think it's the perfect time to share the poem my aunt wrote about Preston.  Whenever I need to be comforted that even though there isn't a real rainbow in the sky for me to look at and think of Preston, rainbows exist everywhere around me.  I just have to be open to seeing them.  This poem always makes me smile, and thankful for living in such a beautiful world.  Thank you aunt Jocelyn. xxx

Preston’s Rainbow

by Jocelyn Cox

You see his face in the morning,

You feel his love every night

You long to touch him again

And to hold him very tight.

You remember his cute smile

The way he could made you laugh

His love of bright colours

And his sweet photographs.

Each day endured without him

Brings tears to your hearts

As you try to understand

Why you were torn apart.

His room stands silently by

 Bear pictures upon the wall

Each cub can tell a story

Of how he was loved by all.

He left you very quickly

He couldn't say goodbye

But in your hearts you hold him

And know he is safe on high.

Each morning the sun rises

Brilliant yellow in the sky,

As purple-blue martins

On the horizon wing by.

 Red roses in the garden grow

Nearby pink tulips bent

While lavender lilac bushes

Waft forth their heavenly scent.

The old marmalade cat

 Head held high in the air

 Quickly passes you by

 He doesn’t have a care.

In every perfect colour

Made to set your hearts aglow

Painted carefully by God

Are reflections of a Rainbow.

Preston’s love of colour

Around you all abounds

No matter where you look

Like rainbows they can be found.

His love is bountiful

He shows it in every hew

Open yourselves to it

And know he is with you.

He will always prove to you

On rainy days and sun alike,

That his love for you is endless

As his rainbow of love shines bright.

Rainbowless days

I received this beautiful hand made card and dish when I returned from our trip in October.  It brought tears to my eyes, with how kind this gesture was.  "Spread Happiness" which has been Preston's mission.  When he was born, he brought so much happiness to this family.  And now that he is in Heaven, he is spreading happiness everywhere his story goes.  I'm so thankful that his spirit lives on within everyone that allows him in.

The card warmed my heart, as did the little rainbow dish.  Rainbows truly can be anywhere.  As Winter nears, the rainbows we see in the sky, will probably not make an appearance until Spring.  I consider myself lucky though, because I have this rainbow dish to remind me that Preston is all around me.  I also have a rainbow catcher, which I have yet to figure out where to hang up.  I have rainbow pasta in the pantry.  I have many pictures to look at, and memories to hold on to.

Once the leaves have fallen off the trees, the colors of nature appear to become muted.  The bright green grass of Summer, is now a pale brownish yellow color.  The leaves that remain in the trees are now brown.  The bushes are bare, the daylight is not as strong, and it's lifespan is short.  Flowers are now dormant.  Winter will bring blankets of pure white.  And while I've often found myself complaining about snow, I now welcome the purity that it represents.  I may not look forward to brushing snow off my car, and scraping ice off the windows, and even less driving on icy streets, but I look forward to the serenity that it will bring.  It will sure brighten things up, up until it melts again.

For the days without rainbows, there will always be smiles.  I will forever be comforted by stories of kindness from one person to another.  How touched I was today when I received an email from a neighbor for a request for #SpreadHappinessForPreston cards.  His birthday might have already passed, but people are still wanting to spread some happiness, much like Kimm did with this card she sent me a month ahead of Preston's birthday.  

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 11: Altar

This one is a tough one for me.  I keep picturing what I'd like to have as memorial in our house for Preston.  And I'm not looking to have an "altar" in the religious sense.  I'm thinking something more along the lines as a memorial space for Preston.  A special place for the important things. For the best memories.

I'm thinking of getting a corner shelving unit.  Maybe even a nice display case type cabinet.  I need to wait though.  I'm not ready to go through all his things, find his favorites.. okay, my favorites to display.  I'm not ready to open the boxes that contain his hand prints and foot prints which were taken by the coroner.  Don't get me wrong, they are beautiful.  I'm so thankful that she did that for us.  Looking at them though, just opens up the floodgates, it tugs at my heart.  It reminds me of those last moments, where he was already gone.  And I just can't go there.  Maybe it's unhealthy?  I don't know.  I may be a grieving parent, but I'm no expert on grief.  All I know, is what others in my shoes have told me.  Everything in it's time.  When you are ready.  One day at a time. One moment a time.  Whatever you are feeling, it is okay.  Let yourself feel what you are feeling and don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling.

And so, in the meantime, we have the above pictured "altar" on a dresser in our bedroom.  Preston's ashes.  His memorial card.  The footprint and hand print ornament we created on 12/23/13 for Christmas (our parents each have one too).  His favorite blanket, with a lion on it, from aunt Jocelyn and uncle Burnell.  One of his favorite onesies (size 3 months).  His little socks.  His picture we had taken right before I went back to work in February, with angel wings... maybe too ironic for my liking, but fitting considering.  My favorite stuffed animal as a kid (dog - Fifine).  The black bear I bought for him the week after he passed, since bears were his theme.  My favorite Care Bear as a child - you guessed it, Cheer Bear. The one with the rainbow.  Again, coincidence?  A rainbow like Preston was.  Cheer, happiness, the perfect description for my son.