The forgotten pizza

February 19th.  Less than a month shy since 2 years will have passed since Preston left us for Heaven.  It happened.  I forgot.

I never thought that I could.  And I can make excuses.  It didn't register in my mind that today was the 19th.  I can't eat dairy so making pizza didn't come to mind.  I had chicken in the fridge that had to be cooked.

But still.  I feel low.  I feel horrendous.  I feel like a failure.  I feel sad.  I forgot.

It's not that I didn't think of Preston today.  I thought of him this morning when I placed my special necklace on his urn.  I thought of him as I was rocking Samantha in her nursery, formerly his nursery.  I thought of him because of certain items in the room.  I thought of him because of a song that played.  I thought of him later in the day as I saw tokens around the living room - a bunny, a special little P figurine.  I thought of him as I was going through pictures on my google account and there was a picture that I didn't take or save.  All it was, was the letter P.  Where it came from? No idea.

I started the chicken in the crock pot late in the afternoon.  After being home for a bit, my husband commented that it smelled delicious but that today was the 19th.  Where was the pizza?  Bless his heart, it's not his fault.  But I cried.  How could I forget?  I don't care that I have excuses.  No excuse is good enough to forget to celebrate my son.  We had pizza.  We took the cheese off my pieces.

I hope it never happens again.

Preston, Mama is sorry with all her heart.  I can only hope that you forgive me.  And I hold on to the fact that you did, because right after I realized what I'd done, my friend Meghann sent me a picture of a rainbow telling me she saw it and thought of me.  It had to be you. 

I love you my sweet boy.  I miss you with all my heart, and I wish you could be with me.  I wish you could see your beautiful little sister grow.  I wish you could experience her smile.  And of course, I know you see it all and experience it in your own way... but I wish it was different.

Missing you always.  I may have forgotten your pizza, but I think of you every day.  I promise.

Sami's Corner - 2 months

What an amazing little person Sami is turning into.  Another chapter closes as she enters her 3rd month into this world.  In just a few weeks, she'll be starting daycare, and I'll be returning to work.  Time certainly does not cease to go by too quickly...



Weight & Length:  As of 2/18/16, Sami weighed 9 lbs and 6.4 oz.  This means that in a month, she's gained almost a pound and a half (a rate of .75 ounces a day).  And if you ask me, we weighed her at home the other day and she weighed 10 lbs on the spot.  Seems like there's a lot of fluctuation on a daily basis.  The great thing is, she's growing! She's now in the 7th percentile, up from the 2nd in weight.  As for her length, she measured 23 inches.  Again, that's quite the growth - 1.75 inches.  She's in the 78th percentile for length. Go Sami go!

Features:  The color of her hair still boggles my mind.  The top looks darker than the rest.  The sides look totally blond, and part of the back has a tint of red.  I've no clue what color her hair will be.  It is getting longer which is fun.  She has several locks that are a couple inches long.  Before long, she'll be sporting pigtails.  On the top of her forehead, on the right side, her hairline naturally separates. It's so cute.  Her eyes are mostly grey, but every now and then they look blue.  Loving it.  She's got her Dada's eyes.  Her jaundice is pretty much gone.  Maybe still tints of it in her eyes but that's about it. Yay!

Feedings:  Sami usually eats about 7 times a day, which means yay, she's sleeping through the night (well at least goes 5 hours most nights between feedings).  She's still nursing which is great bonding time for us though I pump in the morning to get some extra winks and her dad gets to feed her for their bonding time.  She's drinking 3-3.5 ounces a feeding from what we've been able to gather, and her pediatrician said that's just fine.  She can probably take up to 4 ounces, but most breastfed babies, eat less than 4, but drink more often than a formula fed baby.  Her tummy troubles have disappeared for the most part.  Looks like the cow's milk intolerance was to blame.

Sleep:  As mentioned above, she usually goes 5-6 hours between her last feeding of the day and her first morning feeding.  That being said, it doesn't mean she sleeps the whole time.  She's usually up 15-30 minutes after eating her last "meal" which means she probably sleeps 4.5-5.5 hours.  I think she's slept 6 hours a couple times.  During the day, she's usually up in 1.5 hour chunks and then sleeps 1 to 1.5 hours before wanting to eat again.  Every now and then, she'll sleep a little longer.

Likes:  She loves taking in the world.  If you sit her up after a feeding and she will wobble her head from side to side trying to see everything.  She's got a strong neck for doing so.  She likes kicking around in her living room bassinet.  She'll either chat with Rocky Bear, or stare at the ceiling fan and light, whether it's spinning or not.  Spinning, she prefers.  If you go play with her while she's in her bassinet, she will give you smiles... or at least she gives me smiles :).  Daddy says that she LOVES Mama.  Anytime she's upset, if I hold her on my chest, everything seems better.  Coincidentally, Daddy seems better too.

Dislikes:  She doesn't seem to mind being wet as much anymore.  She does not like getting shots, but who does.  Oh my poor baby yesterday when she received her vaccinations. :(  Burping is not her favorite activity.  She would prefer to keep eating.

Mama's fears:  Starting daycare.  For obvious reasons.  She's not going where Preston went, that's a given.  And she won't be in an in-home daycare.  Still, it's a scary thought.  We went for a visit there last week and stayed about an hour.  I feel a little better about the idea.  I plan for us to go back next week and see how she does with someone else feeding her, and see how she naps in a crib.

With Sami getting her vaccinations yesterday, I worried about a fever.  Thankfully, her temperature never broke 100.  There have been other things to worry about of course.  A little rash here.  Changes in her digestion.  And I'm probably forgetting a bunch of other little things that I've had fears about, which I probably shouldn't worry about.

I worry about her getting closer to being 16 weeks old.  I'm guessing that's normal since that's the time frame we lost Preston at.  It's scary.  I absolutely do not want to lose her.

Mama's proud moments:  On a brighter note, she's learned to smile.  Just like Preston did, she gave her first smile to Grandpa, my dad.  Every day since then she's started smiling more and more.  It's absolutely beautiful.  It brightens up every day for me.

She's super alert.  She wants to learn everything.  She's strong.  She has a really strong neck.  Every now and then she grabs her pacifier.  I've seen her put it back in her mouth a couple times.

Just because:  She loves being left to herself in her bassinet.  To kick around and coo.  To talk to Rocky Bear.  To stare at the ceiling fan.  To smile at you if you smile and talk to her.  It's become one of my favorite things.

We had a tough moment this month.  We put on her a pajama that belonged to Preston.  She looked so much like him.  We had to take it off.  It's incredible - she can make me so happy and make me feel so whole.. yet never will I be and I'm constantly reminded of that.  Not that I want to be whole, but I do want her to have a life where she feels totally loved, and happy.  I want her to feel like she makes us happy.  That she is enough.  And she is.  And at the same time, I wish Preston was here.

Samantha still has days where she will only sleep if you are holding her.  She is however, starting to be able to fall asleep on her own, if she's nicely bundled up.  It's nice for her, but I will miss the times where the only way she would fall asleep is if I held her.

There isn't much she doesn't like.  While she can be fussy when she's overly tired, or hungry, she's a pretty easy baby.  She's pleasant to be around.  She can be miss independent.  And her smiles make my heart skip a beat. Every time.

She's outgrown most of the newborn stuff.  There's still a few items that fit but very few.  She's mostly into the 0-3 month old stuff.  Let me tell you, those are the sizes I love the most.  Clothes that are 0-3 months.  They've been fitting her since she was born (though they were just a tad big at the time).  Gerber makes some nice stuff in those transitional sizes. Just a Mama tip :)

Pictures:

All ready for a car ride!  Not quite a month ago.  How big you've gotten since then!

Starting to be curious about the world

With the baby whisperer - Granpa

I absolutely love her in this hat. So cute!!

And the slippers!

Hum... what kind of mischief can I cause....

The frowny face

With Dada :)

Boy she looks like Preston in this picture.

I like what I'm looking at!

Hum, this dress doesn't quite fit.... by baby girl is too long!

Cutie pie.  Still can't believe she's 2 months old!

Has to be one of my favorite pictures. It's my backdrop for my computer now.  Just so happy!  I treasure this smile every day.  Sweet Sam.

This one, is just as sweet.  Love you honey bunny. xxx

Positively February 2016: Day 4

Being happy doesn't mean everything perfect.  It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections. - Unknown

Happy had been a word I've struggled with since losing Preston.  For a long time I felt like I didn't have the right to be happy, or I shouldn't be happy.  I felt guilty when I had happy moments.

It still happens that I feel guilty for being happy.

The truth is though, I need to have happiness in my life in order to live, to survive.  And while I'll never be as happy as I could have been, I do get to be happy.

While I'll never be completely happy, I do have the right to be happy.  I lost a child, but it doesn't mean that my life should be eternal doom and gloom.  I continue to be sad every day that I don't get to have with Preston, but I also know that he wants me to be happy.  Especially now that his little sister is here.  She deserves to be happy.  She deserves to have happy parents.

And in no way, does being happy mean that I've forgotten my child.  I think this is a fear a lot of mourning parents have. If I smile, or am happy, others will judge me and think that I am over the loss.  They will think I don't care about my baby enough.

You don't get over the loss.  Ever.  And if anyone judges you and thinks that you don't love your child enough, you don't need them in your life.  Surround yourself with people who will support you, lift you up when you need it.  Sever ties with those that make you feel worse.  You have every right to happiness.  It won't be perfect happiness, but you can certainly have it again if you allow yourself to see past your loss.  It'll be with you always.  Your child will always be a part of you.

Positively February 2016: Day 3

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.   - Joseph Campbell

My sweet boy.  I remember the day we had professional pictures taken like it was yesterday.  I'm not good at remembering things vividly.  I remember that day really well.  And after Preston passed, I felt so much guilt.  Guilt for going back to work.  Guilt for sending him to daycare.  Guilt for not spending as much time with him as I could have.  Guilt for not being there for his final moments.  And guilt for wanting a picture of him as an angel.  I thought it would be cute.  And of course it is cute, but I felt and still feel like I tempted fate... given that now Preston is a real angel.

Guilt is one of those emotions that often appears into my conscience.  Sometimes it is brought on by an event, or a thought.  Sometimes it just lingers for days on end.  It's probably the grieving emotion I've felt the most aside from sadness.

Sadness.  Guilt.  These emotions are what made me need to find some joy to be able to survive.  To be able to move forward.  To be able to get through each day.  

My place of joy?  Remembering all those special smiles that Preston would flash at me.  All I had to do was smile at him and there was his beaming smile.  I have hung on to the memories of the happiness that exuded from my son.  I have grasped on to the notion that Preston would want me to be happy.  That he would want me to find a reason to smile every day.

And it's worked.  For the most part anyway.

With the arrival of Preston's sister, Samantha, I've now another pure source of joy.

Positively February 2016: Day 2

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."  - Francis of Assisi

This one is so true.  While grieving, whether right at the beginning, or at any point during your journey where you feel the need to - just do what you have to do.  Eat, even if I know, you aren't hungry.  Sleep if you can.  I know it's tough.  I needed sleep aids for a while myself.

And what's necessary might be different from one person to another.  Some need to stay in bed for a while.  I on the other hand needed to dive into something productive like work.  So I worked a lot of hours and it kept me going.

Once you are in a better place, start doing a little more.  That might be cleaning the house, or doing the groceries.  It might be cooking or going on a vacation.  Take it slow.  If you need to go back to just the bear minimum, that's okay too.  There's nothing wrong with that at all.

And one day, you will realize that you are doing the impossible.  You survive.  I've often heard the counterproductive comment "I couldn't go on after a loss like that" in relation to losing my son.  You know what, I thought that exact same thing until I was in the situation where I didn't have a choice in the matter.  We do the impossible every day, and survive.  Life doesn't stop, even when time seems to.

Take it a step at a time, and one day, you will realize that you are Superwoman/Superman.

Positively February 2016: Day 1

I thought I'd try doing Positively February again this year.  Hopefully I'm able to keep up with it.  I will try my best, but as most know, as a mom, free time is not always easy to find... especially since I want to spend as much time as possible with Samantha before I go back to work in 5 and a half weeks.  How time flies...

"Grief never ends... but it changes.  It's a passage, not a place to stay.  Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith... It is the price of love." - Unknown

What I've come to learn in the last almost 2 years is that grief truly does never end.  I think of my son every day.  Some days, it makes me smile.  Other days, it's as painful to think about him as it was in the days after losing him.  Just today, we put Sami in one of Preston's old fleece pajamas.  The one with the penguins.  It was too much.  We had to take it off within 10 minutes of putting it on, even though she was fast asleep.  Triggers still exist that will send us into a tailspin even though we have so much joy in our lives again with our little girl.

I agree that grief isn't a place we should stay in.  While grief never ends, it's a journey.  Not a linear journey by all means, but a long winding journey filled with peaks and valleys.  I often have memory flashes of Preston while rocking Sami.  Or while playing with her as she learns to smile.  I love every minute with her, but it's certainly not always easy.  She's filled a huge part of the hole that exists in my heart, but she will never fully fill it.  Nor would I want her too.  I love Preston just as much as I love her.

That makes it so hard sometimes.  I want to be so happy, yet here comes a memory that just makes me want to fall apart.  And it's not her fault.  I hope that when I do shed a few tears, it doesn't cause her any anxiety.

I've never felt that grief was a sign of weakness.  Nor have I ever felt that keeping on going after Preston passed was a sign of strength.  It's purely survival.  You don't have a choice.  You keep going.  And faith?  Well, yes, my faith is still shaken but I continue to pray.  I continue to be mad at God and often ask for his forgiveness for being mad at Him.  But I believe He understands.  He lost his son too after all.

Grief certainly is the price of love.  I wouldn't trade having had Preston in my life for anything in the world.  It was worth every second.  The pain I still feel today, was worth it.  Don't be afraid to love because you might lose.

I don't know how positive this post has been, so let me end it this way.  Grief is a non-linear journey.  Don't get discouraged if you feel that you are taking a step back.  Or taking 3 steps back for every one that you take.  It's ok to feel weak.  Basically, anything you are feeling is ok.  You need to feel what you need to feel.  I would however urge anyone who feels overly depressed to talk to someone.  Let it out.  What you are thinking and feeling, share it.  Share the love you felt.  In time, you will see that your grief takes different shapes.  I hope one of those shapes, even if not all the time, takes the shape of positivity. <3