A sweet scent always follows a storm

We have been plagued by rain for weeks, which is rather unusual for Colorado, event in May.  I tried to dig up some numbers, and I don't know how accurate they are, but here's to just give you an idea.  On average, Denver (30 miles/just under 50 kilometers south of where we live) gets about 2.25 to 2.5 inches of precipitations in May.  So far, Denver has gotten over 6.5 inches and the month isn't quite over, and guess what, it's raining again.

It's pretty much rained every single day, which has prevented me from tiling and seeding my garden.  Perhaps it's not such a bad thing since the temperatures have also dipped rather low at night.  There seemed to be a little layer of frost on the ground this morning.

The weather seems to affect our moods.  I remember in my cashier days at the grocery store, when we'd have 4 consecutive days of rain, the clientele got bad tempered.  They were annoyed by the littlest things, irritable and hard to please.  It gave me an appreciation for not letting the rain affect me.  Living in Colorado, I am grateful for the rain.  Granted, I know that it can easily cause floods in some areas of the state, and I'm not a fan of that.  But if it's not floods, it's wildfires... it doesn't seem like there's a proper balance.

I however can't say that the weather doesn't affect my mood.  A snow storm brings a nice smile to my face.  A rainbow, more smiles.  Sunshine, it just feels nice.  And rain, I personally find it calming.

Friday, on my way home, I struggled.  As I awaited the train, it seems like ambulances were speeding by me, one after the other, sirens blaring and lights blinking.  One even stopped in front of the building I was standing next to.  The paramedics got out, and then the gurney was taken out and I just about lost it.  I haven't seen one since the last time I was in the hospital, saying goodbye to my little boy.  I wasn't in the ambulance with him.  I never saw him come out of the ambulance.  But I've pictured it a million times.  I never get really far before needing to think about something else.  I'm about there right now.

It didn't get better when I got on the train.  We passed another ambulance just a couple stops later.  I hadn't even left downtown and I'd seen at least 3 ambulances, and heard what felt like another 2 or 3.   I hoped it wasn't foreshadowing the type of weekend I was about to have.

I read for most of the train ride home, trying to stay distracted so that my eyes didn't catch another ambulance.  It was raining when I got to the final stop and of course, I'd forgotten my umbrella at work.  Oh well, rain doesn't make you melt and it smells divine.  When I pulled out of the parking garage, to my left, floating in the sky, was a beautiful rainbow.  It was large, and the bright colors pierced through the dark clouds behind it.  The first rainbow of 2015.  Since I was driving, I wasn't able to capture a picture of it.  It made me a little bummed, but I was smiling the whole way home.  My little Preston, shining down on me after some rough moments earlier as I remembered losing him all over again.

When I got home, my friend Dana had posted the following on Facebook:

Preston just wanted to say hi and that he's thinking of you momma!

 Photo courtesy of Dana Matthews Falliaux

Dana, that post meant so much to me.  One, I'm so honored that you think of Preston, that you think of him when you see rainbows and bunnies, but just the fact that you think of him.  And then that you shared this... it memorialized a moment I thought I'd lost when I couldn't take a picture of the first 2015 rainbow.  I'm also so touched that you believe this rainbow was my sweet P saying hi to me.  That's exactly what I thought when I saw it, and it makes me feel less crazy that other people believe it too.  So again, thank you!  You are amazing, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. <3

Even when those bad moments occur, when the going gets rough, know that things will get better, easier.  It might be a slow process, it might take a really long time.  But it does get better.  And in the meantime, savor those moments - be they a calming rainfall or a beautiful ray of sunshine.  Be those moments be filled with clouds, or with a few rainbows, here and there.

18 months

Dear Preston,

Today, you would have turned 18 months.  Oh I can just imagine you running around, giggling and creating happy havoc into our daily lives.  What would you look like?  Would you have kept those blond locks and those baby blue eyes?  I think you would have, so I imagine you that way.  It isn't often that I can imagine you older than 16 weeks.  Forever in my heart, I think you will remain 16 weeks old, even though time repeatedly attempts to tell me you should be older.

I can be tough and strong.  I didn't really want to be either today, but circumstances made it so I had to be.  It was an incredibly busy day, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good day for me.  It was productive, and I felt accomplished at the end of the day, even if not everything I wanted to get done got done.  Does it ever, really?  Why expect so much out of every day?

A lot of people see me as being tough, and strong.  I even fall into the category of people who believes it some days.  Truth is, I don't think it's about being tough or strong.  It's about finding a way to survive.  Grief affects us all at some point or another.  Whether it's unexpected, or something that's impending, weighing on our souls every day.  Whether it happens too soon, or whether our loved one leads a long life.  We are never quite prepared.  Death seems to surround me a lot lately.  Friends and co-workers losing loved ones, one after another.  Through loss communities, I continually meet parents who have lost babies.  And do I have advice for them, for anyone?  No, not really.  You'd think I might, having lived through one of the most unimaginable losses that exists in today's world.

Perhaps just this - one day at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time.  That's all we can do.  And as we do, we survive.

Preston, I missed you a lot today.  I wish with all my heart that I could still have you in my arms, or see you running around trying to learn everything and nothing about the world.  I'd have loved to teach you.  Would I have messed up as a parent? Surely, we all do.  Regardless, you would have remained my perfect little boy.

You know, this one song has been weighing on my heart for weeks.  Of course you know that, you are always with me.  I felt you close today as I heard it again this morning.  As you know, I still struggle with my faith.  I probably will for years to come.  This song though, it always helps me remember why I believe in God.  And while it's a love song, there are portions that I feel really resonate to our relationship and my relationship with God.

I was never a big Country fan.  It's not really something that plays a lot in Montreal, so for the most part, it's probably because my exposure to it was very low.  Through watching The Voice and learning more about Blake Shelton, I found myself really liking some of his songs.  This one is probably my favorite (even though it's wasn't a country song to begin with) because it reminds me of you every time I hear it.  And while it tugs at my heart strings, it also makes me smile, and brings me closer to God.  In extension, closer to you as well.

And so, my sweet baby boy... this letter to you might not be the most heartfelt, nor the most elegant.  It seems like a jumble of a lot that's been floating around in my head lately.  But I want to leave you with a portion of the lyrics of that song.  And, I want to thank God, because:

God Gave Me You

I've been a walking heartache

I've made a mess of me

The person that I've been lately

Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me

And watch as the storm blows through

And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

Gave me you

...

On my own I'm only

Half of what I could be

I can't do without you

We are stitched together

And what love has tethered

I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

And for when I think I lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it's true

God gave me you

Gave me you

And Preston, dare I say, how lucky I am, even though I often feel like one of the unluckiest people alive.  I'm lucky because, not only did God give me you... he also gave me your dad.  And that wonderful man, is there for me through the ups and downs too.  Through all the doubts, and fears, he's always steady, by my side.

I hope you go to taste some pizza today, along with us.  We still have it every 19th you know.  And through all the good days, and bad days.  Through all the doubts, fears, feelings of guilt and moments of weakness - I know you are by my side, showing me the way to surviving another day, and shining a bright light on hope that still exists.

Love you always,

Mama

xxxx

One year unexpected, the next - in the forecast

It is Mother's Day Eve.  As I type this blog entry, the snow is steadily falling to the ground and has already formed a thin blanket on the ground.  It has been snowing for hours now.  I am feeling something I don't often feel - true happy.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that my life is brimming with sadness.  I have a great husband, a wonderful home, a job I enjoy, a loving family, fantastic friends and am blessed with so many things I am grateful for.  Unfortunately, every day is a reminder that someone is missing from my life.  This cheerful, always smiling little soul.  This giggling and wiggling little boy.  That notion that weighs on my heart, day in and day out, takes it's toll on my happiness.

I know it's ironic that I feel this way, when the goal of my blog is to spread happiness in the name of my son.  And I truly try every day to be happy.  I find ways to smile and have a good time most days.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm living in a dark, hopeless place filled with sadness.  I very easily could go to that place, but I choose not to.  Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that happiness comes easy.

Every day, I try to remind myself that my son would want me to continue living my life, a good life, a happy life.  It's hard, and I truly aspire to find that happiness every day.  I have joyful moments every week for sure.

This feeling I'm feeling right now though... pure happiness.  Last year, the thought of Mother's Day was tough.  I'd just lost my baby boy 2 months earlier and I was still struggling through the fog of those first months of grief.  It didn't feel right or fair.  It still doesn't and it isn't.  I had a hard time wanting to celebrate anyone, including my own mother and mother-in-law.  I just wanted to stay home and be with my thoughts.  I just wanted to be able to think of my son and remember him.  I kind of wanted to be alone, or at the very least, just with my husband.  I wanted to be in the home that Preston knew.  Where he was loved and happy.  It's where I feel closest to him.

We were supposed to go visit my in-laws but unexpectedly, a snow storm blew through and it was safer for us not to travel to the mountains.  I got my "wish".  I was able to stay home, and think of my son on my own timeless and not feel pressured into celebrations I wasn't ready for.  I believed wholeheartedly that it was a snowstorm from Preston.  He knew what I needed, and he gave it to me.  After all, my baby only really knew winter... seemed fitting that this blizzard was a sign from him.

It was probably just a month or month and a half after the "flash" snowstorm that had moved me so on a Sunday afternoon.  That storm that came out of nowhere and was over just as quickly revealing the sun in all its beauty.  That storm that gave me hope and felt like a message from Preston saying "Don't worry, as the storms come and go, so will your emotions, but they will pass, and the sun will always come back out".  Those storms have made me associate a lot of snowstorms with Preston.

As you may recall from one of my last posts, I've hoped for snow again this Mother's Day.  Not necessarily because I don't want to celebrate anyone else, but mostly just because I miss Preston and it would remove all doubts for me that last year's blizzard was just that a storm, and not a sign from my son.  It may not be Mother's Day quite yet, but consider my doubts gone.

You may say, well last year the storm was unexpected and this year, it's been in the forecast for days.  My friend and co-worker Lisa put it beautifully - "he had time to plan it this year".  Thank you for that Lisa.  You are right.  He certainly did.

Wishing a Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms out there; my Mom who instilled perseverance in my, my Mother-in-Law who's welcome me into her family as one of her own, my Aunts who have shown me that family supports each other through thick and thin.  My friends who have little ones of their own, you do a wonderful job raising those beautiful children.  My sister-in-law who's provided a loving home and continues to raise my smart and gorgeous niece and nephews.  My husband's sister who's currently expecting her first, and is filled with excitement.  My cousins who like my aunts, have shown me that family supports each other through it all, and who themselves have beautiful children who I one day hope to meet.

Wishing a gentle Mother's Day to the Mamas out there who have lost.  Whether you have living children or not, I know that it is a difficult day nonetheless.  Remember that you are a survivor.  Remember that your child matters, even though no one can see him, her or them.  You are a warrior, and a superhero Mama.  Don't ever forget it. <3

And to those who have lost their Mom, I know that this marks a difficult day for you too.  Cherish the memories of your Mom.  Remember the happy times, hold on to your favorite memories.  Share them.  If you feel you have no place to share them, I invite you to share them here.

Much love to everyone <3
xxxxxx

Of renewal and forgiveness

The scent of lilacs tickled my nose yesterday as I walked outside.  Is there anything that smells more of Spring than lilacs?  Perhaps the heightened scents of nature after rainfall?

Spring is most definitely here.  Last weekend was filled with rain, and suddenly everything is green.  Everything feels alive.  All week long, I'd been planning this past weekend.  I was going to till the garden and plant my vegetable seeds.  Saturday afternoon, it looked like it might rain and I pushed this task to Sunday.  After lunch, both Brett and I felt tired, and we took a nap.  When I woke up, it was windy and overcast and rainfall seemed to loom in the air.  There's been no rain, yet my garden hasn't been seeded.

I can be such a procrastinator.  I don't like this about myself.  The weekends are so short though, and I always seem to plan too much for myself, which makes me feel overwhelmed, and then I end up doing maybe one thing on my "list", when I could have easily done three or four.  Anyone else that this problem??

I think what I need to do, is just make a list of everything I want to do, and as time permits, complete them.  Some of them I might be able to complete on a weekday, why do I have to wait until the weekend?  Perhaps I'll till the soil on Tuesday and then seed the garden on Wednesday.  Nothing wrong with that!

What frustrates me about my procrastination this weekend though is that this is something I was excited to do.  Like really excited.  This is Preston's Garden.  A place where I can connect with him, talk to him, make time for him... and I didn't do it.  I've felt so tired all weekend, and I let it get in the way of what I wanted to do.

Spring is a time for renewal.  Perhaps Spring is also a time for forgiveness... a time to forgive myself for my shortcomings and a time to make things happen.  Time for change and action.  All week long, I've seen bunnies around my house.  On my neighbor's yard, or my own.  Across the street on the sidewalk as I leave for work early in the morning.  And try as I may to catch the glimpse of a bunny elsewhere, I've failed.  It is bunny season, but so far, it seems to be bunny season, just around our home.  I believe, someone's trying to give me motivation to make things happen...

The Mother's Day Puzzle

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day.  Today is a day I wish I didn't know existed.  If I had my way, I would be celebrated as a normal mother, on Mother's Day, in a week's time.

When society can't see your children, they don't think of you as a mother.  You aren't having the sleepless nights that come with having a newborn.  You aren't stretched thin between your mom, wife and work responsibilities.  You don't worry about your child getting hurt as they start walking, or when they are playing outside.  You don't have to prepare bottles, do endless loads of laundry, or console a crying baby.

What society fails to understand is, you are still a mother.  You have the same amount of sleepless nights, if not more.  Except instead of waking up to your crying baby, hungry baby or wet baby, you wake up to the realization that your baby is gone.  This happens, every single time you wake up.  For a long, long time.

You may not be stretched thin between the same responsibilities as a regular mom, but you are stretched thin nonetheless.  You have to continue performing your daily tasks, as well as deal with a roller coaster of emotions.  You have to battle those instincts of feeling you are supposed to be doing something - like getting that bottle ready, buying more diapers or putting away onesie after onesie.  I would also argue, that I still try to teach Preston about the world.  I talk to him often; sometimes just to tell him I love him and miss him, sometimes to teach him about the new flowers that are growing around our house.  I talk to him about patience.  I try to show him how to be a good person.  Unnecessary I know, he's got the best teachers in Heaven.  Regardless, those motherly instincts to want to teach your child don't go away.

I may not be able to worry about him ever getting hurt, but I also can't ever worry about him getting hurt.  No booboos to fix with a kiss.  No crocodile tears.  No making your kid stay home because they aren't feeling well and feeding him toasts while he watches cartoons under a blanket all day.  And sure, no fear of greater injuries, but I'd rather have that fear, than nothing at all.

Despite all of this, I understand that being celebrated as a mother, would be a tough concept.  Even for me, the mother in question.  What am I celebrating?  I don't feel like celebrating without my son.  What do I want out of Mother's Day then?  Perhaps recognition that I am a mother, despite everything that's happened.  A day to think about Preston and be happy.  Remember him and all his kicks and smiles.  Reminisce on that pure happiness that once existed in my life, and hope.  Hope that one day, I can find pieces of it again.  And as long as I'm wishing for things, at the risk of becoming highly unpopular, I wish for a blizzard.  Like we had last year on Mother's Day.  Like we had on what should have been my first Mother's Day.  That day, where I felt closest to my son after having lost him just a few short months before.

If you are reading this and are like me, a bereaved mother, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or child loss, whether you've had more children after, or if you had some before - you are a mother.  You are a beautiful, strong mother.  I wish you peace today, and peace next Sunday, as Mother's Day rolls around once again.