It's no secret. I'm no artist. I have an analytical mind. I'm a numbers girl. Drawing has never been my strong suit. My handwriting isn't the perfect woman's script that I wish it was. However, I did want to participate in today's #CaptureYourGrief challenge to draw a heart for my babies in Heaven. Preston, and his big brother or sister. I find it hard to admit that one of my children had more of an impact on my life. But it's the truth. I made peace with losing Preston's big brother or sister because of the health issues I was having. I can't foresee completely making peace with losing Preston, ever.
Preston lives on in my heart. When he died, a little piece of my heart went with him. At the same time, I feel like he left a little piece of his with me - in my heart. The little person he was has helped me through this journey. Helped me grow. Helped me appreciate life for the small things. Helped me become a more compassionate person, taught me a new level of empathy.
If I could do everything over again, knowing that the result would be the same, I would still want to do it all over again. Preston changed my life. Losing Preston, changed it even more. It's a painful journey, but at the same time, I'm thankful for everything that I learn every day as I walk down this path. And I couldn't do it, if it weren't for Preston. Preston and his hundred smiles. Preston and this endless giggles. Preston and his want to always be "saying" something.
I received good news today - I no longer need to take my blood pressure medicine. This is wonderful news, yet I found myself crying when I found out. It's bittersweet that I don't need to take these pills anymore... It is adding a layer of finality to another connection I had with Preston. I've been taking this medication since Preston was born. I've been taking this medication because of a condition, preeclampsia, that I developed in the final stages of my pregnancy with Preston. It stayed with me, even though having Preston was supposed to make it go away. Now, I no longer need it. I'll keep the following words from my friend close to my heart "Maybe only now are you meant to take a step forward. He is nudging you...you can do it! It is ok to be sad... But know you will always be connected to Preston, and he will always be with you no matter what". And she's right. It's the perfect reminder that he lives on in my heart as I share him with the world, and try to spread happiness in his honor.
Thank you little man. Thank you for the nudge. Thank you for listening to me whenever I need it. You rarely answer, and that's ok. Just know that, your mama loves you, will always love you and is proud of you for what you've taught me. For how you've helped me learn to share this journey, my experience, and given me the strength to try and help others. I promise to try to make you proud by surviving every day, by appreciating the life I've been given, and by being thankful for the fact that I alone was blessed to be your mama. Love you forever baby. Always, you remain in my heart.
Thinking of you and both of your angels in heaven today. It really hit me when you said "you rarely answer, and that's ok." I keep thinking the same thing too - my boys used to show me signs all the time (very big ones) but I haven't gotten one in months. And I have to keep thinking that maybe our boys do send us signs that they are okay and watching over us, but not in the ways that we would expect. Like maybe you are driving one day and could have gotten in an accident, but didn't because you got stopped at a red light. Maybe we get signs from them without realizing it. I'm sure you would love to have some signs from Preston that are just him saying "hi mom, I'm okay" just like I would love to have them from Conner and Ben. But we have to keep the faith. I also read somewhere that if a loved one is constantly sending signs, that's not good, either - wouldn't we rather have our boys playing and happy in heaven most of the time? It's so depressing, not being able to communicate with them the way that we want to. But I do believe that our boys are happy and being taken care of. Sorry, I think I just hijacked your comments lol.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful words to your baby boy. This world is missing out not having him here anymore. What a precious, precious boy... And how you must miss him so.
ReplyDelete