Who am I in this present moment? I'm still trying to figure that one out. My emotions are so often on my sleeve now, instead of buried underneath this shell of protection. I'm trying to find ways to live my life positively, to see all the goodness that is around me, even though my son is no longer physically here on Earth. I want to make him proud, and try to do that every day by attempting to put my positive attitude about life out there, even though, my attitude could very easily be the opposite of positive.
I'm different now, because I'm not really scared of anything anymore, including death. I don't understand it, but I don't fear it like I used to a few years ago. The loss of that fear, has also created this openness I have about my life and feelings which I would have never dared to share with the world, let alone more than a couple people. And I'm not ashamed of how I feel, who I am, and what I'm trying to do with my life. Not to say I was ashamed before, but I certainly don't feel that I had that same spark of energy to try and help others see how beneficial and constructive it can be to have the right attitude.
I believe in signs, from Heaven, which isn't something I was open to before. I think that's why I chose the bunny picture. Always seeking signs from my little boy. I did see one today :)
Quite frankly, I feel like I'm changing almost every day. It's hard to explain, but perhaps when more time has past, I'll be able to express it in a clear manner.
Do I love anything about the "new" me? I love that I'm able to be thankful about the little things like the sunrise, and the grass. The rainbows and the clouds. The sea and a garden. We're so blessed with everything that surrounds us, and the older I get, the more I see that most people don't even seem to notice half of it as they are too lost in their smartphone or too much in a hurry to get wherever they are trying to go. Yes, time flies. But that certainly does not mean that we have to rush through life just to be able to get as much done as possible. On the contrary, I think we should all slow down, and appreciate what we do have. See some of the things that there are to see, that there are to experience out there, but take the time to savor it instead of it being something you "kind of" remember.
What do I want to become? The mother to a living child. I want to continue to make Preston proud, by sharing his smiles, who he was, and how he's changed me, continues to change me. All I can do, is take it a moment at a time. Ride the waves of the ocean, and enjoy the moments where all is calm.
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