Some superheroes have wings

Not all superheroes wear capes.  Superheroes are defined as having inhuman powers, mythical talents or have experienced something supernatural having changed their being.  These heroes use their special abilities to protect the world or to promote justice.  Superman.  Thor. Spiderman. Captain America.  Those names I'm sure are not foreign to many.  You think superhero, and they are some of the first to cross your mind, no?

These do-gooders, who usually live within the general population, have costumes to help them hide their alter-ego.  Many wear masks and capes and spandex to show off their buff bodies, you know, because why not?

Throughout my high school years, I remember watching Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman starring Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher.  It was one of my favorite shows - side note, I now own every season on DVD.  It always amazed me how Clark could keep secret the fact that he was Superman.  I mean really people, put two and two together!  That being said, Superman was always my superhero of choice.

Nowadays, my favorite superhero is quite different.  He does not wear a cape.  He does not have a special superhero name.  If you haven't already guessed where I'm going with this, my favorite superhero is my son, Preston.  My angel with wings.

How can an angel be a superhero you ask? What are his powers?  Preston's super power is to spread happiness.  To make others smile.  To show the people that they are no alone.  To remind us that true happiness is achievable and it's a lot easier than we realize.

Losing my son has been the most painful and trying experience I've ever lived through.  I wish I never had to go down this path, and I wish I could turn around and un-live this nightmare.  Unfortunately, that is not an option life offers us.  It's difficult to find a positive spin on this whole situation.  Really it is.  I try though, and Preston helps me through it.  For me, and for others.  Because time doesn't spot ticking.  The Earth doesn't stop spinning.  Preston's shown me that happiness is achievable in the little things.  That saying that money doesn't buy happiness? It's true.  I could sit and watch Preston smile for hours and my heart was filled with happiness.  He taught me to appreciate all that I have, and all that's around me a lot more.  He showed me the way to be more forgiving.  He taught me that I need to be more patient - with myself and with others.  I learned that I shouldn't judge so easily.  Despite all the darkness in my life, Preston showed me the way to hope again.

Perhaps I'm delusional, but I like to think that Preston has an impact on other lives than my own.  I like to think that someone stumbles upon my blog and a picture of his makes them smile.  Or that one of my posts hits home and helps someone at some point in their grief journey.  Or that someone sees a rainbow, or a bunny and thinks of Preston and smiles.  Or maybe even, someone spreads happiness in Preston's memory.

So you see, some superheroes have wings instead of capes.  Some superheroes you can never see in person, only in images and in your imagination.  But, superheroes do exist.  And on this #NationalSuperheroDay, I honor my son Preston because if there ever was to be a special superhero - he's the perfect one.

Keep spreading happiness my love.  I'll keep doing my part and sharing you with the world to help you make that happen.

Who is your favorite superhero and why?

Adventureland

My life feels like it is filled with new adventures recently - changes abound at work, taking up a new hobby, reading a book for the Pursuit of Purpose workshop I've been doing, getting ready to plant seeds in Preston's Garden, and in the small garden in the front of our house once the tulips are done for the season.  It's a time filled with intrigue, passion, excitement and hope.  Intrigue because I don't know what to expect.  Passion because I feel pretty passionate about all these things.  Excitement because that's what adventures are about!  Hope because I'm eager to see what I can do.

Months ago, I mentioned wanting to start a new hobby - embroidery.  As you may have guessed from the picture above, I've been attempting to make it happen.  I've had good motivation with Angel Eyes wanting to create a new quilt for their offices.  This organization has helped me tremendously with it's monthly group meetings, and it feels fitting that Preston should have a place on this special memorial quilt.  I haven't conceptualized the whole thing, but I am writing out his name in rainbow colors.  I'll be sure to take pictures of my progress.  I would like to have a teddy bear somewhere on their, and just found a design online that would work nicely.  A bunny maybe? Some flowers.  And maybe even "SpreadHappinessForPreston.blogspot.com".  It'll depend on how talented I feel and how much time I am able to dedicate to it.  I have 2 more months to get it done, and I just began actually working on it today after practicing for the past couple weeks.

The 5th installment of Rachel's PoP workshop was posted earlier this month.  You can view it here if interested - PoP Session 5.  In this session, we are to use one of the resources Rachel offers - books, a website, a special phone call.  I selected one of the books given that I've been wanting to get back into reading - Make it Happen by Lara Casey.  It's been an interesting read for sure.  This book is filled with workshops of it's own.  I can't say I've been following them, as I've been reading the book on my tablet as I ride the train to and from work.  I've been doing a lot of reflecting though.

Some of the things mentioned in this book are difficult concepts for me to wrap my head around.  There is a lot of talk about God and faith which I still struggle with on a daily basis.  But it's premise makes a lot of sense, and I just started the 3rd chapter which promises to help me find a way to live with purpose and hopefully help me reach more people through my blog.

The weather has been cold lately.  We've even had a snow, and some rain.  It's made it difficult to work on the gardens, but I am getting excited to get them ready for May.  I planted seeds in June last year, so I want to get them planted a little earlier this year.  I have to be careful though given the temperamental Colorado weather system.  The heat waves followed by snow storms.  The numerous May hail storms.  The high winds.  Hopefully, it is nice this week or at the very least, next weekend.

I've even been trying really hard to get better with this fantasy baseball thing.  I'm currently sitting in 5th place out of 12 players.  Bob, who's in 6th isn't far behind, and my brother is ahead of me by less than 50 points!  Gotta get to that 4th place this week.  That's the goal! Watch out bro!

Life is sometimes filled with adventures.  Some are scary, some you don't want to go through.  Some are challenging and exciting, while others are dull and tedious.  But adventures have the potential of bringing intrigue, excitement and hope.  Doesn't that make it worth exploring new adventures?  Are you planning any new adventures?

White gloves versus boxing gloves

Dear pregnant friend, pregnant relative, pregnant stranger, mama of a newborn,

I hope you know that I am happy for you.  Thrilled even.  I don't throw out the "happy" word easily, and I am truly happy for each an every person I find out is expecting a child.  What a blessing!  What a privilege and honor it is to become a parent!  It's not something everyone gets to have.  I can easily be taken for granted as it's not everyone who gets to have children, no matter how much they want them.  And there's of course the direct opposite, those who get to have children when it seems inconceivable that they should have that right.  So many horror stories I've read and heard...

Sorry to turn to the dark side there for a moment.  Not what you need, I know.  The point is, I am happy for you, even if I don't tell you often, or at all.  I'm excited for the months and years to come, the dreams you are building and the memories you are already making.  The story that is the child you are expecting, or the child you just had, is one of hope.  Hope is something I need a whole lot of and it doesn't come easily to me.

I pray that you forgive me for not being more involved in your pregnancy, if only by asking how you are doing.  Please do know that I care, but it's a sensitive topic for me.  Some days, I feel strong and put on my boxing gloves.  When I do, I am able to ask you how you and baby are doing.  I'm able to invest myself into buying things for your little one, even though the baby aisle is still extremely problematic for me.  And then there are other days where I have to wear white gloves and approach everything with caution.  Those days are emotionally draining.  Is it that I'm jealous? I don't think it's the right word.  I think it's more that I long for my son.  It's that I miss him.  I don't necessarily want what you have.  I want what I had, what I can have no longer.

Pregnancy and newborns are definitely subjects that are difficult for me to broach.  I'm sure it's a sensitive topic for anyone who's lost a child, and sometimes even for those close to someone who has lost a baby.  As with all things, this varies from person to person.  It's dependent on your situation.  It can be intensified after a loss in pregnancy or around certain dates.  It can be particularly painful to think about in the months following a loss when grief is often at it's highest point.

Then again, this is just my perspective.  I don't walk in the shoes of every grieving parent but I do continue to grieve the loss of Preston on a daily basis.  It's something that I will live with every. day. of. my. life.  I'm 13 months out from having lost my son.  He should be 18 months old, yet he will live on forever in my heart as a 16 week old baby.  Where I am at, today, is not the same place another parent might be at.  It's also possible that where I am at today, is not where I will be tomorrow.

How do you broach the subject of pregnancy with someone who's lost a baby?  I wish I had a black and white answer, but I think it's a very grey area.  It'll be dependent on what gloves your friend is wearing that day - the boxing gloves or the white gloves.  I think knowing who you are talking to, how they are dealing with their loss, where they are at with their grief, will allow you to figure out which gloves they are wearing.  Perhaps, it is even you who needs to decide which gloves you will use to bring up the topic.

Some people may think that every time they bring up Preston, or their child, or pregnancy, it's a reminder of my loss.  At the risk of repeating what I've said before, there's nothing really that can "remind" me of my loss.  It's with me every day, everywhere I go.  Do certain things trigger specific memories? For sure, but that trigger can just be the ding of the microwave or the smell of fresh snowfall.  A certain light being turned on, or the formula that still sits in the pantry.  And while for sure pregnancy and newborns can be a BIG trigger for bereaved parents, it doesn't mean the subject shouldn't be brought up or alternatively, be the only thing you talk about.

Personally, pregnancy has been all around me since the loss of Preston.  Some of my relatives are pregnant, as are friends and co-workers.  I didn't feel "hurt" when I found out about these pregnancies.  Was it difficult to hear? Quite honestly, yes but no.  It was difficult because it made me miss my son a little bit more for a short while.  It wasn't difficult because it was a ray of hope into my day.  It would be so easy to try and hide from the world as it continues to turn, especially on days where it feels that time is standing still.  What good would it do me?  Try as I may, pregnancy would be in my face at some point or another.  A diaper commercial here.  A flyer from ToysRUs.  A mother pushing a stroller past my house.  There's no escaping it, so when I can, I wear my boxing gloves.

All this being said though, yes I still struggle talking about pregnancy and newborns.  I can't do it 24/7.  Sometimes after 10 minutes, that's about all I can take.  Other days, I can survive 45 minutes of talk.  Those days make me happy, because I really want to be there for you, but I'm still figuring things out.  My heart is still mending, and it is a slow process.  As I write about this sensitive topic today, I am wearing my boxing gloves.

I hope that with every day that follows, I adorn the white gloves less and less.  I want to thank you for the days where I am wearing these gloves.  Thank you for your patience with me and my heart.  Thank you for your understanding.  Know that you are often on my mind, even if I don't tell you enough <3

Your friend,
~Cat

***
On a totally side note, for those who were curious, thanks to Jamie and my aunt Jocelyn, we were able to figure out that those weird spotted plants in our front garden are "Calypso Tulips" or if you want to be technical - Tulipa Gerigii 'Calypso' .  Thanks ladies

And on another side note, we got a beautiful snow storm on Thursday night into Friday morning.  We got a good foot of snow.

Scattered thoughts

Dear readers,

I apologize for the recent decline in posts.  My thoughts have been scattered.  Thinking about too much all at once, and have not been able to formulate posts like I want to.  I've been dealing with another cold, which has me bummed out since the last one took me three weeks to beat.  I've been working on a couple other projects which have been consuming my time - fantasy baseball, learning how to embroider so that I can make a scare for Preston on the new quilt for the Angel Eyes organization (the organization which facilitates my monthly group meetings) and I've been trying to read a book for the Pursuit of Purpose workshop.

Lots going on in my little head.  I hope to sit down this weekend and start sorting it all out.  Maybe jot down some bullet points regarding some of the things that cross my mind.

Thanks for sticking it out with me, and keeping me motivated to keep writing.  It's nice to see my blog views continue to rise, as I struggle with my ideas and the things I reflect on day in and day out.  Call it writer's block maybe?  Sometimes it feels like I may have covered everything there is to say about grief and losing a child.  Other times, it feels like I could write 1000 posts on the subject.

I'll get there.  In the meantime, I think of you guys often.  I thank you for thinking of me, of Preston and leave you with a quote someone shared with me recently:

"Broken crayons still color"

I may be struggling, but I'm still fighting.

Opening Day

Yesterday was Opening Day at Coors Field, as the Colorado Rockies were hosting the Chicago Cubs.  We had not attended an Opening Day before and decided to do so this year.  I worked for a few hours on Friday and hubby met me there and we walked down to Coors Field, a nice 20 minute walk from my office.  There were people everywhere.  Festivities, laughter, cheering.  It was a happy occasion.  We waited for the gates to open for a good 30 minutes, but our waiting in line paid off.  We were one of the first people into the sporting facility!  Both teams were on the field, for batting practice, and other exercises.  We didn't get to go all the way down to the dug outs, but we got pretty close and I got to see (no not meet) one of the newer Cubs, an ex-Rockies played that I've enjoyed watching - Dexter Fowler.  This guy always seems so jovial, loves the fans, and just appears to have a huge heart.

We admired the players crank practice home run after home run.  And then walked around for a bit and finally decided to go get some food and find our seats.  Brett had a Rockies dog and I had a yummy pretzel with cheese sauce.  By now, batting practice was over and the grounds crew was on the field, getting it ready for the days' festivities, and of course, for first pitch!  Such meticulous work.  They really do a good job.  Raking the sand, cutting off any uneven strand of grass.  Mowing the grass in that crisscross fashion.  Watering the sand to make it look just perfect.  In the outfield, a couple people in suits appeared to be measuring out something - I guessed that it was for the flag placement.

The festivities began about 30 minutes before the game.  They introduced the teams, player by player.  They thanked the military as they paraded around the field - the Marine Corps, the Navy, the Air Force, US Army and the Coast Guard.  It was really moving as many of the soldiers who marched around the field, in formation, had just recently returned from assignment.  It really moved me, as these people make so many sacrifices which includes being away from their family.  They risk their lives, not ever seeing their children again.  They paid a wonderful tribute to Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks which I thought was so respectful for the Cubs organization.

And then came in the flag.  The huge flag.  Once fully unfolded, it covered the entire outfield.  It was amazing.  The Air Force Band from Colorado Springs performed the National Anthem and it was simply perfection.  Fireworks, jets flying over (though we missed it since they were right above us and there was concrete above our seats.  Finally, they released balloons - purple, black and white.  I couldn't help but remember Preston's birthday when my friends and co-workers released balloons for is birthday.

I longed to have Preston with us.  He'd have been just about 17 months old and would have enjoyed a lot of the festivities.  Probably not the loud fireworks and jets, but he would have loved the array of bright colors.   The bright reds, blues, greens and purples.  He would have enjoyed seeing the ball fly as high as he could see.  We would have told him all about baseball, and by day's end, he'd just want to play with a ball.

Before the game started, a few prestigious awards were handed out.  Two Gold Gloves, awarded to the best defensive players by position - DJ LeMahieu and Nolan Arenado (on my fantasy team - no big deal) and the Silver Bat, awarded to the batting champion - Justin Morneau.  It felt like we were attending a once in a lifetime type of event.

We had a really good time.  The Cubs did not win, but the Rockies did and we like the Rockies.  It was a bit chillier than anticipated, but still a great afternoon for baseball.  My only frustration, it seemed like a big social event to a lot of people instead of it being about baseball.  A lot of people standing up in front of others as the game went on.  Nonetheless, it was a happy day.  An experience I won't soon forget and that I was thrilled to share with my best friend, my husband.

Batting practice

Grounds crew finalizing the diamond

The Marine Corps (I think) marching on by

Balloons rising up to the sky

Balloons soaring above us

And just for my honey - look at all those zeros... wait and see, I believe in the Cubs <3

Spread Happiness For Preston is now on Facebook! - https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston

That fork in the road

Spring brings about so much beauty.  The flowers pictured above are blooming on trees downtown.  These trees, are just stunning.

Every Spring, I have to get skin test for Tuberculosis.  It's one of the requirements for being approved to receive Remicade treatments.  My understanding is that some patients after being treated with Remicade.  For that reason, I have to be tested every year.  It's a quick test really.  They poke you with a needle to make an air bubble under the skin and you have to have the area looked at 48-72 hours later.  That's the most annoying part really.  The test takes a minute and so does getting it "read".  Given that my doctor's office isn't close to where I work, I don't like asking the afternoon off for something that should take just a minute.  Last year, I went while I was still on maternity leave and brought Preston with me.  This year, I found that I could have the test done at a clinic, so I did that.  There's a clinic inside the supermarket near our house.  It has convenient hours and of course, it's minutes from home!  So I went this weekend for the poke of the needle since I knew I'd be able to go back Tuesday after work.

When I get off the highway, the road forks at the end of the exit.  I usually go right to go home.  I had to go left to go to the clinic.  Left, was also the way I went to go pick up Preston from daycare.  I haven't gone left from the highway in over a year.  It was tough to sit there, behind a line of cars waiting to go once the light changed.  It took 3 turns of the light by the way... it felt like torture.

I was right back to last year, as I awaited for the light to change to green so that I could go pick up my baby and take him home.  He was always happy to see me.  It was wonderful.  I haven't wanted to go back that way since losing him.  It's one of those triggers I guess.  A reminder of what is no more, not that I really need to be reminded.

Things changed in the blink of an eye.  When I finally was able to turn left, a card had to merge in front of me since there was construction and one of the lanes was closed up ahead.  The car was a Mini Cooper which my husband always talks about.. and the license plate was from North Carolina.  Yesterday, my hubby flew out to North Carolina for work.  Serendipity at it's best... a sweet little sign from my son saying, I'm watching over Daddy while he's away.  Mama thanks you baby boy.

Easter 2015

Easter has easily become one of my least favorite holidays.  Oddly enough, two years ago, it was one that I looked forward to very much.  Things change when you have a child versus suddenly not having one.

When I was pregnant with Preston, I dreamt of what Easter would be like.  I imagined us going to our local park for the annual Easter egg hunt.  While Preston would have been too small to care, I think he would have enjoyed the warmth of a Spring day, seeing other children, hearing them laugh, and of course, he would admire all the pretty colors.  Or he'd sleep, as he often did when we went for a walk with him in the stroller.

I supposed, I looked forward to Easter 2015 a little more than I did the one I'd anticipated to have last year.  This year, he would be walking around and able to pick things up.  It would have been oh-so special!!

The "would haves" are but distant dreams now.  I can only imagine what could have been.  Envisioning what life might have been like... sometimes it makes me smile and sometimes it makes me cry.  Through it all though, I'm thankful.  I have moments where I "see" Preston in a fantasy world.  Where he's just as I'd dreamed he'd be one day.  That being said, I try to not daydream too often.  I fear that making it a daily ritual could send me into a world filled with hallucinations and cause me to become down right delusional.  While part of me never wants to fully accept that he's gone, I know that he is.

And so, I only travel to a fantasy world every so often.  Most of all, on days when I know my little guy would have been all smiles and giggles.  I remember him for what he was, think of him how I think he would have been.  In those times I miss him, but I also feel him very close to me, and it makes the day, a little easier to bear.

This year, I imagined him trying to find his Easter basket at his Nan's house.  I dream that she would have hidden it somewhere low, and easy to find.  The excitement in his eyes when he finds it.  The little claps and giggles.

This year, as I was getting ready to leave to go to hubby's parents' house, I went to put on my necklace, the one I received from my aunt, uncle and cousins last Mother's Day.  I take it off every night and set it on Preston's urn.  It allows me to say good night and good morning to him every day.  As I picked it up on Sunday, there was a knot in it.  The second time in a month.  So odd... yet it feels like a little trick my sweet P might play on me - just to say, I'm here.  I'm always with you.

I hope the celebration of Easter was grand in Heaven.  I imagine it must be given that it marks the day Christ resurrected.  Perhaps there are no chocolate bunnies and Easter egg/basket hunts, but it must be such a happy day.  I hope to find out one day.

Forget me not

A snow storm is brewing. Or so they say.  I believed it as I was driving home and large grey clouds filled the sky above me.  Raindrops even made an appearance.  As I sit in my living room typing, I can see the brightness of the sun shine through the window shades.  It's almost blinding.

The news and weather channels still show snow in the forecast.  I thought it was supposed to start this evening, and turn to snow during the night, but it seems that rain will turn to snow tomorrow afternoon.  Two to five inches is the prediction.

The anticipated accumulation of snow urged me to take a look at the garden in the front of the house.  Perhaps the tulips and mystery flowers (which my aunt speculates may just be a different type of tulip) had grown flowers.  They had not.  However, there was one tiny, lonely and bright purple flower.  Forget-me-not.  I guess the seeds I planted late last Fall are actually growing.  I smiled.  I'm so happy I went to look at the garden... or I might have missed this precious little flower.  This little flower that most likely will be gone by the time I get home from work tomorrow.

For years, I was not a huge fan of snow storms.  I don't like the cold.  I don't like scraping ice and snow off my car.  Things change.  Preston passed on what felt like a Spring day but it was the end of Winter.  The snow that fell last Spring brought me solace.  The storms filled me with a sense of calmness.  The unexpected blizzard on Mother's Day felt like a clear sign from my son and gave me a new appreciation for snow and for Spring weather.

This bright little flower being present today, when it wasn't yesterday, is a brand new sign.  A sign from my little boy, sending me a little hello.  A message from my son saying:

Mama, forget me not.  I may not send signs very often anymore but I'm here.  I'm around always.  When you have doubts about the signs I send, and when you wholeheartedly believe in them.  I live in your heart through pure and true love.  I reside in your mind through wonderful memories.

Mama, forget me not.  Your life goes on without me in your arms and it's probably still hard to fathom.  Your life gets busy, I know.  Despite all that, I hope that you think of me every day - no matter whether it's raining, snowing or whether the sun is shining.

Mama, forget me not.  The season for snow is fading away slowly, but bunnies and rainbows are just around the corner.  I promise to send as many as I can.

Mama, forget me not.  I didn't want to leave the way I did.  I've got perfect angel wings now, and I promise to try and help you spread more happiness in the world.   

Fear not my love, my sweet P.  Mama could never forget you.  Not even for a minute <3