This and that...

Where does the time go.  Every time I want to sit down and write, something comes up or it's time for bed!  Tonight, while every inch of me wants to just sit and watch General Hospital where interesting things are happening (yay November sweeps!), I am taking the time to write.  For myself, for Preston, and for anyone who might get something out of this.

The Nursery

Samantha's room has been coming along nicely.  The wall painting is complete and I love the way the light lilac color looks next to the baby blue wall.  I'm even more excited that hubby ended up liking the lighter lilac color like I did... mostly because of it's name -- Guardian Angel.  Doesn't that seem so appropriate?  We moved the crib from the left side of the room to the right side of the room just to give it a different feel.  I'm starting to look forward to spending a lot of time in there.  The door to her and Preston's room has been open for weeks now, and it feels nice.  It feels like a happy room again.

The one disappointment has been that the decal stars and moon aren't sticking to the wall very well.  We even tried to get them to adhere to the wall better using a hot iron.  Time to get some spray adhesive me thinks...

Approaching 34-35 weeks

We believe Preston was born at about 35 weeks, if not 34 weeks, despite what the doctors say.  I will be 34 weeks along with Samantha tomorrow.  That realization has been weighing on my mind for the past couple weeks.  I try to remain calm as everything seems to be going well, however it's still scary.  The sight of possible swelling freaks me out.  Hearing someone tell me that there was "no way" I was making it all the way to December 24th, sent me for a tailspin.  What not to say to a grieving mama, to a mama who had preeclampsia and who had a baby too early?  That.  That is a great example of what not to say.

I have an appointment with my OB this Friday, so I hope that will help calm my nerves.  I'm not panicking or anything, but it's constantly at the back of my mind.  I try to remain positive.  Really, I just want things to be okay and normal.  For once.

Preston's birthday and #SpreadHappinessForPreston

I can't believe my baby would be 2 years old in just about a week.  I feel like I haven't pushed #SpreadHappinessForPreston enough this year.  Last year, I wrote to the Ellen show.  Last year, I physically mailed a letter to everyone that lives on my street, it's tributary streets and the street across from the greenbelt behind our house.  I didn't do it this year, even though I had the intention to.

I thought of writing to the local newspaper to share my story, Preston's story, his smile and his message.  

In my heart, I've hoped that #SpreadHappinessForPreston becomes bigger every year.  I don't know that it will be and I only have myself to blame.  I hope mama didn't disappoint you baby boy.

Signs

Signs from Preston aren't as frequent as they once were.  I see the occasional bunny.  Rainbows are rare.  I was on the train last week.  Upset due to the fact that someone thought I wouldn't make it to Christmas Eve.  I've gained about 20-25 lbs.  I'm not huge by any means, so I'm not sure why this was said to me (not that I have any qualms about my weight or anything).

Well I turned on Pandora and accidentally hit the "Shuffle" bar and there it was... Iris.  I just about cried... and I did feel better and smiled

I tell you, signs exist.

Halloween

For the second year in a row, I didn't quite know what to expect with this holiday.  I'd been looking forward to it so much last year, wanting to see my little boy as a cute lion.  I expected a lot more children to stop by on Halloween since it was a weekend day.  Maybe a total of 45 kids stopped by, most of them in droves of about 10.  I feel like I hardly had a chance to see their costumes.  My favorite?  I can't even remember.

Brett and I thought of Preston that evening.  We wondered what costume we might have put him in this year.  I think we landed on a bear cub.  Seems fitting given that was the theme of his nursery was teddy bears.

I was able to capture a beautiful sunset before the children started ringing the doorbell.  Golden clouds above barren trees.  The calm and cool air felt peaceful and made me feel close to my son.

The zoo

The weekend before Halloween, we went to the zoo with our close friends and their two children.  It's something I'd wanted to do with Preston at some point, especially knowing his love for big cats.  He seemed so enthralled as he watched them on TV in the morning with his dad.

It was packed at the zoo.  I guess it was a special day where you could bring your child in costume and they could trick or treat in the zoo.  Cool concept.  I enjoyed watching our friends' two year old marvel at some of the animals.  And while I struggled seeing some of the animals I think would have interested Preston, I feel like he followed us there and spent the way with us.  On the way home, we stopped at BabiesRUs and bought a bunch of clothes for Samantha, as well as decorations for her room.  It was a nice family day.

On a side note, if you haven't gotten a chance to go to the Denver Zoo lately, I strongly recommend going while the Lego exhibits are still scattered around the zoo.  They are stunning sculptures.  I believe this is a travelling exhibit, so if you aren't in Denver, hopefully it comes to a zoo near you! ;)

That's about all that's going on with me.  I hope that everyone who reads this is well.  Sending you lots of love, courage, and smiles.  Until next time <3

Your first birthday

Dear Preston,

A year ago today, you came into this world.  For 16 weeks, you brought me more happiness than I'd ever experienced.  I wish with all my heart that you were still here, but life had other plans for our family.  Today, your life was celebrated and honored.  I want to tell you, that I'm so incredibly proud of you.  You have touched so many lives.  So many people love you, even without ever having met you.

I'd been dreading this day for a while now.  I thought I'd be upset all day, dwelling on the fact that you don't get a first birthday on this Earth.  No birthday cakes.  No presents.  No happy squeals.  The day started off rather emotionally, but not as bad as anticipated.  I wore my "Preston boots" for the first time.  It felt appropriate.  They are so cute to boot. Ha! Unintended pun.

I left 2 gift cards on the windshield of the cars parked next to mine at the Lincoln station park & ride and then headed to the train.  On the way to work, I saw several messages from friends and family, saying nice things and sharing how they spread happiness today, to honor you.  The first thing I saw, was a friend who did a manicure to honor Preston. You can view it here: http://instagram.com/p/vlOOMOtBRS/

Soon after, I read about what one of my friends who bought "Timbits" (donut holes from Tim Hortons) for her son and daughter's teachers.  She also let someone go ahead of her at checkout at the grocery store.  I knew one lady who was bringing donuts for her co-workers.  I got so many hugs today.  Never underestimate the power of a hug.  Des gave out goodies to everyone in our department, with a #SpreadHappinessForPreston tag on each.  So sweet, generous and moving.  Thank you Des.

Around 9:30, I got a beautiful email from Tina.  She and some other girls I work with, had bought balloons to release, and were inviting me to join, if I was up for it.  I'd wanted to do something like this myself, but just didn't have the strength to go buy balloons.  I met them in the lobby at 10:15, and we walked a block away.  Each of us, got one of the multicolored balloon, and we released them into the sky wishing Preston a happy first birthday.  That is what is pictured above.  Thank you Tina, Carolyn, Brianna, Dana, Nancy, Debbie, Charlene, Jess, Lisa and Jocelyn for being part of this most touching moment.  When I got back to my desk after the having watched the balloons soar into the sky, my day had just been turned around.  I no longer felt the sadness of your loss.  Instead, I was happy to celebrate your life.

Today, the world honored your life.  They honored your in so many ways.  Kip sent a donation in your name to Angel Eyes.  Tiffany made a donation to Project Night Night.  Lisa made a donation to the American SIDS Institute.  Ajay asked her daughter to be extra nice today: "open doors for others, lend pencils and paper when needed, tell the teacher how pretty she is today, and to be there for her fellow students in any way possible, if needed".  Her daughter is 10, and wanted to know why her mom was asking her to do all this today.  She told her Preston's story and her daughter then looked to the sky and said "happy birthday you sweet lil angel! I don't know you yet, but I love you!".  How sweet.  Ajay, you have a really sweet daughter.  Ajay spent the day cleaning other people's messes, complimenting others (even if they were rude), helped her daughter get ready for the day.  She gave more hugs to others than she has ever done in her life.  She planned to spend the evening in a retirement home to spend time with the lonely.  Ajay, your daughter's card to Preston was beautiful.  Please thank her for me and give her a big hug.

Another mom paid for other people's parking for the day.  Krystal is having a tree planted in the Superior National Forest for little Ava P., Jack, Claire, Ava T and a little baby boy who never got to be named.  What a sweet gesture.  She's also offered to have one planted for Preston's honor.  You are a sweetie Krystal.  I'm so moved.  Irene, attached a card to some McDonald's gift cards, and handed them out to homeless persons.

Katie also donated to the Ameican SIDS Institute. Thank you Katie.  A mom from BBC, emptied her wallet and donated to a food drive.  Acts of Kindness were done in Baltimore by Jon.  My friend paid for another girl's lunch today.  I left a $20.00 tip for our $25.00 lunch.  So many others told me they were participating.  I don't know what they did, but I just know, that it was a successful day.

Additionally to all this, a lot of happiness was sent our way.  I received flowers from Sereena and Kim.  A lovely single red rose from Charlene.  Lisa had a star named for Preston.  How incredibly original and dreamy.  I am moved beyond words.  Brendan and Jess, donated several bears to unprivileged children.  They will all wear a #SpreadHappinessForPreston card.  Thank you! That is so, so touching.  Jocelyn and Barry gave us a rainbow catcher to hang in a window.  My co-workers from Financial Services bought us a memorial stone with your name on it, and your birthday.  It's a terracotta stone with mosaics on it.  So beautiful.  I am speechless at all these acts of kindness.  Just a few minutes ago, we received flowers from neighbors on our street.

Finally, Meme and Grandpa in Montreal, released 8 large balloons containing your #SpreadHappinessForPreston cards.  Who knows where they will land?  I hope they make it far, and bring a smile to many strangers.  My aunt Jocelyn and uncle Burnell, donated to various charities.  Brett, my loving husband and your dad, brought pizzas over to the firehouse.  The firemen remembered you, they were the first responders.  I think it's a testament to how special you are, that they remember you.

Prestson, I'm wishing you a happy birthday.  I don't throw the word happy around easily.  I didn't think I'd want to associate happy with your birthday, but if today taught me anything, it's that you've made the world a better place, even if you were only here for 16 weeks.  You created so much happiness today.  You made me realize just how much of an impact your life has made on others, people that held you, loved you, others who never got the chance to meet you, and others that didn't know you existed until you were gone.  I hope that Liz was right, and that you are celebrating your birthday on a cloud.  I hope cake is as delicious in Heaven as it is on Earth.  I hope that you had a nice day, and were spoiled.  I know I would have spoiled you if you were here.  What else is a mama to do? ;)

Thank you to everyone who has participated.  I invite you to continue to share how you have spread happiness today.  And, I hope you will participate again, next year, and every subsequent year.  The world could really use more smiles

Emotions gone wild

I mentioned yesterday that signs from Preston were few and far between during my vacation.  The picture above was taken on the drive home from Vegas somewhere in Utah.  The P in the mountain made me smile.  Now it doesn't stand for Preston, and I forget the name of the town it honors, but I could have easily missed it.  I did not, and the mere fact that it made me smile, and tear up, was special to me.

I'm not one to like showing my emotions in public.  I suppose, that is probably the case for most people.  There was a time in my life, when I was younger, more naive and still learning what life was all about, when I couldn't control my emotions.  Nothing I could do, would control any tears, or laughter.  It bugged me that I could cry so easily, for what I felt were stupid reasons.  With time and maturity, I think I've gotten much better at keeping it together.  Maybe it's thanks for having learned to deal with certain situations.  Or maybe it's due to that professionalism standard while at work.  Sometimes, it's probably helped by the fact that I always have something to do.

Since the beginning of the week though, my emotions are so close to the surface I can feel them overflowing.  I was on the train home last night and I was writing down thoughts as they came, because I've been frustrated lately by having great ideas for my blog, and then poof, it's gone.  So many thoughts were bringing tears to my eyes.  I didn't want to control them, didn't try to control them, but they were there without a moments warning.  The thoughts weren't all Preston related, but I suppose most were.  This sentence kept coming back to me "memories fade" and that's a scary notion.  I've reread some of my blog entries lately, and for the life of me, couldn't remember writing them.  I'm glad I did though, because it helps preserve those memories that are slowly starting to fade.

For that reason, if you are finding that you have memories that are starting to fade, I encourage you to write them down.  Even if it is just a few words that might trigger that memory.  For example, my brother the other day, talked about some of his favorite memories, and one of them was when we slept over at my Grandmere's house.  We'd sleep in the living room, in sleeping bags, or on these uncomfortable orange cots, and when we could, we'd sneak her dog into the room.  I don't remember much about my Grandmere.  She passed away 25 years ago, and I don't know about you, but my memories of being 8 are few and far between.  But seeing those words my brother wrote about these times we spent at her house, triggered all sorts of other memories.  I can now map out her apartment.  I remember hearing the city bus passing by at night as we tried to sleep.  I remember that her living room had a weird accordion type door.  She had a green couch, and always had hard candies in a bowl.

Preston's birthday is now palpable.  Tomorrow.  Only a day away.  My emotions are all over the place.  All the things I wanted to do, had we been so lucky.  All the things I thought about doing, but don't have the strength to do.  Get some blue balloons to release into the sky.  Bake a cake in the teddy bear shaped cake pan.  Send a present to a one year old little boy somewhere who shares his birthday.  Maybe next year.  Maybe not.  I think I just need to "feel" out this year, see how it goes.  In the meantime, I fear that my feelings will be all over the board for a little while.  Maybe it will be better in a few days.  Perhaps not.  One day at a time. One moment at a time while I continue the wild ride that is this nonstop roller-coaster.

November is here

November is here.  I knew it was coming.  I knew I'd be sitting here at some point in time.  November has always been a special month for my family.  Growing up, it was the month where we celebrated my brother's birthday (turning 40 very soon!!), and my birthday.  After I met my husband, it also meant his birthday and his dad's birthday.  Then add Thanksgiving, which in the US is celebrated in November, as opposed to October in Canada.  And last year, Preston surprised us and was born in November instead of December.  This was going to be an even more special month.

Pictured above, was my first birthday.  I was looking forward to Preston's birthday so much.  Not that he'd remember it, but it's one of those milestones that you dream about when you think about having children.  And just like that, there will be no tiny hands in the birthday cake.  There will be no tasting of sweets for the first time.  There will be no new toys.

November could very easily become a very somber month.  It could become a symbol of darkness and sorrow.  I have to remind myself that Preston wouldn't want that.  Preston wouldn't want me wallowing alone in a corner.  He would want me to smile, as I remember the good times we had.  He would want me to enjoy the birthdays in or family and Thanksgiving.  Hopefully he is smiling down on me, seeing that I'm trying to spread some happiness around the world to honor him.

I have things to look forward to this month.  A trip to Vegas with my husband, where I can relax while he's in conferences.  Massage.  Reading.  Going to the pool.  Sounds like a good time to me!  And, yes a little gambling!  A nice road trip there and back which should allow me to see different places.  Allow me to see more to this beautiful country.  There will be Thanksgiving which always results in a delicious feast!  And it'll be nice to acknowledge our little boy and be thankful that even if it was only for a short time, we are thankful that we had him in our life.  We have our group session on Monday which is about how to deal with the holidays.  I'm looking forward to the feedback other parents have.  Many of them have lived through holidays after a loss, and I think their experiences will help me better prepare my mind for it all.

I'm not big on material things.  I don't ask for a lot in life.  But, yes, I was looking forward to spoiling Preston rotten on his birthday.  I was looking forward to baking him a special cake with a bear pan I bought years and years ago.  I'm reminded though, that I was blessed with having him in my life.  Carrying him and holding him.  Seeing him smile.  Intangible.  Much more special than material.  And I will have that forever.