Sami's Corner - 3 months

Three months! Sami is already 3 months.  Time flies, yet at the same time, some days have seemed endless.  Those are usually the days filled with worry.  The rest of the days are filled with smiles and coos, and even, a first laugh!

Weight & Length: We haven't had a pediatrician's visit for 3 months, so this is my educated guess.  I think she's probably about 23 and a half inches long, just shy of 2 feet.  And she's hovering at around 10 and a half pounds.  I feel like she's definitely still growing but perhaps at a slower pace.

Features:  Her hair at the back has gotten lighter.  It looks blond, with a slight hue of red.  The top of her head is darker, a shade of brown, though, in the sunlight, it looks lighter (if you ask me).  Her hair on the top of her head has gotten longer, while she's lost some hair on the back of her head, from the constant back and forth motions she does while laying on her back.  Her eyes are definitely grey and blue.  They change from day to day.  The light seems to affect them too.

Feedings: She's a good eater. We enjoy our special time together during feedings.  She's started daycare so she's drinking out of a bottle a lot more.  She's still exclusively drinking breastmilk.  When at school, she eats a good 3.5 to 4 oz a feeding.  Sometimes she goes 3 hours between feedings, sometimes it's closer to 4 hours.  At home, she eats a little more often.

Sleep: She's been sleeping a little longer at night.  Some nights she will go down at 11:00, sometimes a little earlier.  She'll usually be up around 5 or 5:30.  I usually can get a few cuddles in before heading out to work at 6:00.

Likes: Bathtime. She's starting to smile when taking a bath but still seems shocked when she first touches the water.  She's enjoyed it from the getgo.  Never cries, except on occasion when she comes out of the tub.  She LOVES Dada.  She gave him her first laugh on Thursday when she turned 3 months old, while we were taking pictures.  She loves kicking around in her bassinet, which is almost too big for her! How did that happen?  She seems to really enjoy one of the play mats at daycare.  So much so that I bought an identical one for home, just a different color.  She loves "The Wheels on the Bus" as we gesture with each rhyme.  Her favorite seems to be "the boy on the bus says 'let's go play'", which Daddy frowns at. lol.

Dislikes:  She does not like being congested.  Who does?  She caught a cold her first week at daycare, and is still hanging on to it.  Hopefully it goes away in a few more days.  Why did I somehow think she'd be impervious to getting sick?  Wishful thinking most likely.  She is not a fan of being in the car when it isn't moving.  When we leave daycare and get stuck at the red light, she will let me know about it.

Mama's fears:  It's been a tough month for fears.  Her starting daycare which is tough in itself, never mind what happened to Preston while at daycare.  It's a completely different daycare and type of daycare but it was still a very difficult transition.  I think starting her 3 days before I went back to work was smart.  It allowed me to go visit her all three days and it helped reassure me that she was well cared for, and that she was happy while there.  They take pictures and send them to us during the day, which always makes me smile.  Aside from daycare, Preston's angelversary on the 13th of March was a day that had me on high alert.  It didn't help that Sami developed her first cold a few days earlier which had me worried about her while she slept.  I didn't sleep great that night, which was difficult because I too caught her cold and was totally run down.  I have another fear to deal with his coming month and that's Sami getting past 114 days.  I'm sure I'll be on edge until she's 18 months old, but getting past 114 days will be a great hurtle to pass.

Mama's proud moments: She's starting to reach for things more and more.  She can hold things for extended periods of time.  And while she's not fully conscious of what she's doing, she's really getting there.  She giggles a little every day.  It's not a true giggle, but it's a high pitched coo.  She has given a full on laugh, to dad, while we took pictures on March 17th.  She smiles all the time and it lights up the room.

Just because:  She's totally out of wearing newborn sized clothes, except one outfit that somehow still fits.  I think that brand just makes their "newborn" sizes larger.

A couple days before she started daycare, I went to Babies "R" Us to get some of the things she would need - crib sheets, more bibs and burp cloths, a couple sleep sacks, and a couple outfits in the event that she gets them dirty.  OMG... there's too much cute clothes for baby girls.  I could have gone bananas and spent a thousand bucks.  Easily.  Overalls.  Little dresses. Bows.  Needless to say, I bought more than the 2 outfits I had planned.  I must have bought 7 or 8.  Oh, I can't wait for warmer weather so that she can wear the little sundresses :)

Pictures:

 Starting to swat at things

Bouncy chair fun times

All ready to meet Mama and Dada's co-workers

Is this magic?

Mama visited me at daycare!

So focused!

Grabbing things

Mommy's lucky charm, St. Paddy's Day

Monthly photo shoots are fun!

My dad is so silly. He makes me giggled.

And, I'm done with this photo shoot. 

2 years gone by

March 13th. The bane of my existence.  2 years ago, the absolute worst day of my life.  It replays in my mind over and over again.

2 years have come and gone since Preston passed away.  It's hard to believe.  It's been the longest 2 years without him.  How I wish he could be there to see his little sister grow.  I bet he would teach her so much.  I bet they would have so much fun together.  Instead, she is deprived of his sweet existence.

I wish I wrote on my blog more often.  Time has made it so I don't need to write as often.  The arrival of Samantha, has reduced the amount of time I have to write.  I think of my little man every single day.  I constantly talk to him, as Sami's guardian angel.  I miss him eternally.

I don't like to remember this day.  I have said it before, I wish I could erase it from the calendar.  But it is hard to forget such a day.  I don't wish to celebrate this day in any way, but I do like the thought of making it into a family day.  This year, that didn't really happen.

The day was difficult for sure.  As to not help things, for the first time, Sami is sick with a cold.  A stuffy nose and a little cough.  Given the date, I hardly slept last night wanting to make sure she was breathing ok.  On top of her having a cold, hubby and I also have it.  And I had some minor food poisoning last night.  Perfect storm right?

We spent as much time together today as possible, but it was interrupted by naps so that we can all heal from this cold.  And then chores that had to be done because tomorrow is Monday, and my first full week back to work.

The nice thing is, despite feeling ill, Sami still flashed her smile a ton today.  Which helped a ton to get through this day.

Every day without Preston remains, and will always remain difficult.  I can't fathom that 2 years have passed by, yet like I said earlier, it's also been a very long, dragged out two years.  I reckon that every year that passes will feel like that when it comes to my son.

Sweet P.  How I miss you.  How I wish things could be different.  I long to hold you and cuddle with you.  I pray that Heaven is a beautiful place, and that you are able to flash your smile for everyone.  I pray that you continue to live on in people's hearts.  People you've met, people who you've touched through this blog.  For sure, you live on in my heart.  Every single day. I love you. xxxx

This is the last picture I have of Preston.  Taken 3/10/2014

March Madness

No I'm not talking about basketball.

I've been totally dreading the month of March.  So many triggers.  So many changes.  So much to adapt to.

In 11 days, it will have been 2 years since we lost our son.  2 years... where does the time go?  I honestly can't believe that it has been that long.  And at the same time, it feels like AGES ago since I last saw Preston's sweet smile.  Since I last kissed his forehead and rocked him to sleep.  It's maddening really.

In a handful of days, Samantha starts daycare.  I'm not looking forward to it at all.  It's frightening because Preston was at daycare (mind you a different daycare) when he stopped breathing.  It's scary because I won't be there every minute to check on her.  It's so difficult because I don't know how she'll react, or handle it.  Her first day, is going to be a long day for me.  Her first month will be difficult.  The first year... I just don't feel ready... but life isn't about being ready is it?

I return to work in a week.  While my mind is ready for the stimulation, and the hectic every day work... my heart isn't.  Ahead of schedule, I am reminding myself that the days will fly by.  That I will be surrounded by people who support me and care about me.  I remind myself that I will have tons of pictures that I can hang up to make missing Sami a little less painful.

It is a lot to deal with.  I'm not ready... but ready or not... March is here.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

One moment at a time.  Life is so precious.  Life is so fragile.  I've known that for a long time, and I'm reminded of it every day.  The first month back to work is probably going to be really difficult.  And all I can do, is take it slow.  Love every minute that I get with Sami.  And just try to remain calm in the meantime.

Preston, mama misses you daily.  I wish you were here...

To everyone out there, hug and kiss your loved ones.  Tell them you love them.  Life is precious... more than you know.