Competition

I like competitions.  I'd consider myself competitive.  I don't like to lose, and I'll try really hard to be the best that I can be, whether it's in a fun or serious environment.  I've encountered a whole other level of competition though.  It started with my oldest brother, Jason.  Very competitive.  Anytime we'd play a game, he would win and he would keep score and leave it in the box.  When I was younger, I would assume that I wasn't much of a challenge to beat, given our 7 year difference.  It bothered me that I always lost, but I never stopped trying.  I think that's important, because I probably wouldn't be as resilient today if it wasn't for constantly losing to my brother - Monopoly, Risk, Mille-Borne and various card games. Good times :)

My husband is just as competitive as my brother.  The latest competition was one with me, his mom and his dad.  It was a "fitbit" competition.  A "fitbit" is a electronic device that calculates how many steps you take in a day (along with other fun things like calories burned).  For this competition, the winner was the one who got the most steps in one month (July).  I managed over 335,000 steps in July, an average of almost 11k a day.  Awesome right??  Brett finished with over 925,000, an average of almost 30k a day!  There was no way for me to keep up.  I work a desk job, while he and his dad work from home, and his mom is retired.  On top of my desk job, I am commuting 2.5-3 hours a day (roundtrip).  Brett's dad finished 40,000 steps behind him.  A couple days ago, I could have sworn he was 60-80k ahead of Brett.  But, being the competitive fiend that he is, my husband walked a crazy amount of steps yesterday (the equivalent of about 37 miles)... and had planned to take the day off today to basically "walk all day". He did take off work today, and he did walk all day... a distance of over 40 miles!!!  And I thought he was crazy yesterday...

I'm ever so stunned by the competitiveness of others.  Like I said, I like competition... but I guess I like friendly competition.. as soon as it gets a little crazy, I'm a little disengaged.  I like to win, I don't like to lose, but I am capable of admitting defeat.  This is not to say my husband is a sore loser.   Admitting defeat though?  Not in his vocabulary, and I totally admire him for it.

Do you believe in zodiac signs?  I totally do.  It's reinforced by how competitive both my brother and husband are.  They're both Scorpios.  I'm on the verge of being a Scorpio, and I think I have a few Scorpio like qualities (like the competitive thing - but to a lesser degree).  I'd say I'm loyal and ambitious like a Scorpio and have the optimism and generosity of a Sagittarius.  I'm by no means as adventurous as the typical Sagittarius, and I'm not as competitive as a Scorpio.  Nor would I call myself lucky, which is often associated with Sagittarius'.

All this makes me wonder, would Preston have been competitive?  He was a Scorpio after all.  Had my pregnancy gone full term, he would have been a Sagittarius like me.  I wonder if that would have had any kind of impact.  In my heart though, I feel like he would have been a true Scorpio.  Like his uncle Jason, like my uncle Claude, like his daddy.  After all, isn't he the preemie who was the chattiest of them all?  Isn't he the baby boy who rolled over at 15 weeks?  If that's not a competitive spirit, I don't know what is.  He was a little fighter.  I guess though, there are just some things that you can't fight.  So sorry my love, I wish I could have been there to save you.  But, maybe there's nothing I could have done, and maybe that's why I wasn't there.

A little competition is good for all of us.  I think it brings out the ambition in us, and I think it can help you learn more about yourself.  It can push you to do things you wouldn't otherwise do, and make you realize, just how resilient you can be.  Whether the competition is with your friends, your family, or even yourself, try to challenge yourself every now and then.  Challenge your mind, challenge your body. 

Proud of my husband, even though I think he's a little crazy for walking almost 42 miles in one day!  Good job love :)







Trivia

My husband is a fountain of trivia.  The random facts this man can spout randomly is incredible.  I'm always in awe.  The latest example: It's a known fact that tortoises live for a long time.  It's apparently very difficult to tell their age.  Recently, there was a tortoise in a Texas zoo that was sick.  They thought it to be older than the zoo, but as they tried to figure out what was bothering the tortoise, they realized it had been shot.  The projectile had somehow migrated to the tortoise's stomach.  When they extracted it, they found a musket ball... from the Civil War.  I suppose this might be more of a "news" story...but you get the picture.

We like to play trivial pursuit on occasion, and he crushes me.  He's really a wealth of knowledge. I'm sure he'd do well on Jeopardy!  We sometimes will play our version of trivial pursuit on a road trip.  Basically, it's just me reading questions and being in awe of how many he gets correct as I try to take a stab at them too.

We went out to dinner tonight with our friend Bob and his girlfriend Liz, who we hadn't met yet.  I loved her.  What a beautiful soul she has.  Really outgoing, friendly and another wealth of knowledge.  She's a teacher, and lucky girl, does it in Hawaii.  She's a world traveler, a lover of languages.  And another trivia lover.  She had several trivia questions for us, they really make you think.  Within the 4 professional sports leagues in the US, there are 9 sports teams that do not end in an S, name them.

We had fun with that question and the next 2 she posed.  Perhaps I will share them another time ;).  I often wonder what Preston would have liked, or what he would have been good at.  I think he would have been really smart, so I think he would have enjoyed and excelled at trivia.  If he hung out with his dad a lot, which he would have, I'm certain that he'd pick up on stuff quickly and amaze us with random facts at a really young age.  Hey mama, did you know pearls melt in vinegar?

Great dinner, great company, great food and great trivia.  Thanks for a fun night guys.  You sometimes don't realize what you need.  So, who's up for a good game of trivial pursuit??

The food was great too.  Loved the dessert...

Clouds

Clouds have always fascinated me, much like the moon (that's another story).  They can take any shape and many colors depending on the placement of the sun, the temperature, the placement of the moon, humidity...  They float in the sky, weightlessly like feathers. 

The clouds "feel" different here in Colorado, at least it seems like it.  You be the judge based on just a few pictures.

This here is a picture taken from the balcony of my old apartment in Montreal.  Loved that place.  It was so peaceful, it was the perfect size and it was just mine.  I had a really great year living there.  A cloudy day wasn't rare in Montreal, from what I can remember.  There were many days like this one, many days of rain, many days of snow.  On snowy days, everything was so white and bright.  Can't say I miss shoveling snow off my car.  My car now sleeps in the garage, free from any snowfall.  I remember, many days, where I would lay in the grass, trying to find familiar shapes in the clouds.  A dog face, a dragon, a star.

The big difference with the clouds in Colorado, I find is that they seem so much closer... I guess we are living at 6000+ feet.  Must make a difference right?  It also feels like they move much faster.  I guess it's a perception thing, being so much closer to them than when you are down at sea level.  There are days where it really feels like you could just jump up and feel them, though that's usually right before a storm, or early in the morning if there's fog.  Usually when that happens though, I'm at the top of a hill, on the freeway, driving to the train station.  Not really a good place to try to jump up and touch the clouds.  Nonetheless, those mornings, nature is quite breathtaking.  I used to find it a little eerie, but the past several times I've seen it, it's made me feel peaceful and calm.

The sunsets and sunrises can also be rather breathtaking.  Either because of the clouds or because of the way the sun shines on the mountains or behind the mountains or even on the plains to the East.  I've been blessed to see several beautiful sunsets, some with a bit of mountain views, some dramatized by clouds.  I think those are the ones I enjoy the most.  It sounds silly, but I often think of Heaven being on top of the clouds.  I believed it as a child, and it's kind of stuck with me.  Realistically, I know Heaven isn't above the clouds; I've been above the clouds.  Who knows though, maybe Heaven is above the clouds in an alternate dimension... but how would we be able to stand on clouds?  When you imagine loved ones in Heaven, don't you think of them in their "Earth" body?  Ashes to ashes...  Are we simply spirits once we ascend to Heaven?  There are so many unanswered questions.  I dislike gray areas, and this is certainly one of them.  I don't want to learn a lesson from having lost my son.  I don't want "that" to be the "reason" he had to leave us.  But perhaps I need to start to be more open to ambiguity.  I don't like you ambiguity, but I will learn to deal with you more and more every day as it seems to be part of my world now, whether I like it or not.

There are many days where I look to the clouds for a sign.  Call me crazy, but bunnies, rainbows, feathers... they aren't enough.  I know I should feel extremely blessed that I am seeing so many signs, but let's face it, my arms ache for my sweet P.  My eyes constantly search for Preston's cherished smile.  My ears eternally listen for a gentle reminder of his cries or giggles.  Unfortunately some of these things I will only ever be able to see and hear through pictures and videos.  I have to be more open to subtle signs.  I've shared that I sometimes hear songs on Pandora, one after the other that are true reminders of Preston.  I've shared, how I immediately think of my son at the sign of bunnies, rainbows and feathers, for various reasons.  I think I even shared how Brett and I saw a cloud shaped bunny a couple weeks ago.  I have another cloud related sign I haven't shared.  I don't even know if I've shared it with anyone at this point.

It was several months ago, maybe right after I had started driving myself to the train to go to work.  I was on my way home and I was in tears, which was now a daily occurrence whenever I'd drive home.  It was really difficult.  I couldn't listen to music because every song reminded me of Preston, whether it was a love song, a sad song, a happy song.  I really struggled with the drive home because I used to be the one to pick up Preston from daycare after work.  Now I was simply heading home, with an empty car seat holder in the backseat of my car.  I had to drive by the dreaded hospital.  It really was difficult for a long time.  Quite honestly, there are days where it still happens. 

If I recall correctly, it was the same day that I'd gone to my doctor for a BP check up.  The same day I saw a lady wearing a maternity shirt I owed and wore with Preston, and the same day I saw one of the ladies that worked at his pediatrician's office.  I was upset, as stated above, and I thought, well these signs I've just seen, maybe they were just coincidences.  Signs don't really exist, is what I was feeling, which didn't exactly make me feel better.  So, I asked God, to send me another sign, just so I could know for sure that He was taking care of Preston.  That although my son was gone, I would get to see him again.  As I turned into my neighborhood, I saw a huge cloud with what looked exactly like Preston's two little legs and feet hanging below it - right in my backyard.  They were really big, and I knew they were his little wigglers.  There was no doubt.  I haven't been able to not believe in signs since then.  Alright, I have my moments of doubt, but that usually happens at low moments, and can you blame me?

I haven't seen anything like those two little legs and feet since then, not for lack of trying.  Perhaps such clear signs are reserved for terribly low moments.  Nonetheless, I won't stop looking at the clouds - for their beauty, for the wonderful chance of seeing a fun shape, for the eternal hope of seeing something so purely Preston.

Mondays & Test Results

Mondays are always interesting aren't they?  They come around so quickly.  Wouldn't it be nice if weeks had 8 days?  A bonus day off?  Funday?  The weekends appear to be getting shorter as I get older. "Time is relative" is as it's best once again!  Mondays often come with a slew of slip ups, at least by one person.  I get a bad case of the Mondays every other month or so.. maybe more often but shush.  Who likes to admit to that?

My husband woke me up this morning letting me know we had an email from "Counsyl", the company that is testing my blood for genetic disorders and deficiencies.  I tried signing on and of course it didn't work.  What do you want from me at 5:00am?  As I woke up a little more, I realized I'd never created an account with them, so I did, hoping that it would somehow know to connect my results with my email address.  When posed the question, do you want the bad news or the good news first, I always answer the bad news first.  A) I want to deal with it asap, and B) I want to end on a good note.

So do you want the good news or bad news first?  You're in luck, there's no bad news.  My tests all came back negative.  What a relief!!  This is one less thing to worry about right?  While, there is still a chance that Preston had some genetic disorder we didn't know about, that was undetected during the autopsy, the odds are rather low.  Perhaps SIDS is not such a "catch-all" after all, or maybe it really is it's own "disease".  Hopefully, we figure it out one day.  I'd love for science to pinpoint what causes SIDS, or rule out more things that don't cause SIDS, or discover that SIDS really isn't undetermined - it's caused by "X".

We did everything right.  We did everything by the book.  We followed all the "preventative" measures they advise about.  While the likelihood of this happening again is low, it isn't totally impossible.  That's still really scary, but I will forever have fears about losing future children.  I will forever have thoughts at the back of my mind wondering "what if they stop breathing like their brother".  However, these test results give me hope.  They diminish some fears, and they do give me some peace of mind.  We'll see if I feel the same should I get pregnant again.

That being said, my week started off really well, and I'm looking forward to the rest of the week.  Maybe it won't have a bonus, 8th day, Funday, but good news on a Monday always makes for a good week.  I hope your Monday was a good one, foreboding a pleasant week.  And smile, Monday is now over ;)

Decisions...



A few days ago, I was chatting with another angel mom about vacations.  She was struggling with going on an extended out of state trip.  This means, she'd be away from her son's grave and it made her very sad; it was very difficult for her.  As I was trying to cheer her up, I realized that, she needed to feel sad.  She needed to feel angry that things didn't turn out how they were supposed to.  She needed to feel hurt and frustrated. 

In that moment, I just wanted to make her feel better, but as I took a step back, I understood that she just needed to vent.  She just needed to release these emotions.  She needed someone to listen and possibly someone to hug her.  Even, as someone who's had a similar loss, I got lost in wanting to make her feel better.  Sometimes, no matter what, we don't feel better.  Sometimes, we need to hurt, cry or scream.  And that's "normal".  I don't like the word normal because after losing a child, nothing is normal.  However, I think it's the best word to describe what I'm trying to say.  Grief is so different for every one that "normal" to one person, can be totally different from someone else's "normal".  So, if you know someone that is grieving and they seem to be struggling more than usual, offer them a hug.  Offer them to listen.  Perhaps offer words of comfort, but if you don't, just being there to listen can mean the world.  There's not much that can be said to make things better anyway.

All this got me to thinking... how am I going to feel when I go out of town for more than 1 day?  How am I going to feel when I have to leave Preston behind?  I'll be going out of town to try to have "fun" but he will remain on our dresser in our bedroom in his little teddy bear urn.  Should I take him with me?  Would that be too weird?  What if I do, and he goes missing?  I haven't quite wrapped my head around all this yet, but I can tell you that whatever the answer I come up with, it will not be an easy one, or a pleasant one.  There are so many things that you aren't prepared for when you lose a child.  Probably because it's nothing you should ever have to think about.

We all have to make difficult decisions during the course of our lives.  If I've learned anything, making a difficult decision isn't something you should do overnight unless you have absolutely no other choice.  I'm not going out of town for another couple of months, so this gives me time to weigh my options and think about what would feel best since nothing will feel great.  Difficult decisions shouldn't be impulsive, or made when you are super emotional.  Difficult decisions should be as thought out as possible, so that's what I plan to do. 

What are some of the most difficult decisions you've had to make? How do you deal with difficult decisions? Do you weigh the pros and cons? Do you go with what feels right therefore trusting your gut?

Humbled

I felt really humbled last night.  I felt humbled as I realized just how much Preston has made an impact on other people's lives.  I felt proud of how much his little life has brought a ray of sunshine into the lives of my friends and family.  I am one proud mama.

We were on our way to poker when we saw a very faint rainbow, but nonetheless, it made me think of Preston.  As hubby didn't quite understand the meaning of a "rainbow baby", I explained to him that I think that babies who are conceived after a loss, are like a rainbow after a storm.  It's a symbol of hope.  Preston was a rainbow baby and he loved colors so it feels natural for rainbows to remind me of my son.

After I posted the picture of the faint rainbow on Facebook, I received several notifications from friends where I had been tagged in a rainbow picture.  Jamie, Tina and Jon, thank you for sharing that the rainbows you saw made you think of Preston.  It really means so much to me to be a witness to how my baby continues to live on through my thoughts and especially, so many people's thoughts.  It means a lot to me that you hold him close to your heart, and in return you are holding Brett and I close to you as well.

This isn't the first time I've been witness to how others think of Preston when they see a rainbow, or bunnies.  Sherri has sent me a rainbow picture, as has Cynthia.  Dana has sent me pictures of a bunny.  I've been witness to Charles pointing to a rainbow saying, "Preston", while Kate says, "where's the bunny?".

To many people, it might sound silly, but to me, it really sunk in yesterday that you guys really do think of Preston and remember him and smile when you see a rainbow and bunnies.  Many people might say, well rainbows and bunnies are everywhere, it's not really a "sign".  That thought actually crosses my mind all the time.  But you know what, it is a sign.  It is a sign that he is living on through all of us.  It is a sign that his life really is spreading happiness around the world.  It is a sign, that there was a beautiful purpose to his life even if it was cut incredibly short.  It is a sign that, as long as we are willing, he will be there to remind us, that while life can be difficult, there's always something to smile amount.

All this was reinforced by this little feather on our deck this morning.  Beautiful, little white feather... like that from a tiny angel.  Thank you all for keeping Preston close to your heart. <3

Was that you?

Preston, was that you, my sweet little boy, when I looked down to write something at work a few weeks ago when I saw a bright light for a second by my fingers?  It was only for a moment but my first instinct was to think of you.

Was that you, my sweet P, this morning, when I was backing out of the drive-way and saw a bunny standing vigil on the right side of the house, and as I turned to the other side to ensure the coast was clear, there was another bunny standing vigil on the left side of the house?

Was that you, my ray of sunshine, when I caught a glimpse of a really bright light through the patio door, just a few hours ago, as the storm was moving away from our house?

Was that you, my little boy, on Mother's Day, when we got one of the biggest snow storms of the year?  I really wanted to stay home that day and didn't want to go anywhere.  Home is where I feel closest to you.

Was that you, my sweetie pie, who offered me rainbows on days when I seemed to need it most?

Was that you, my lovey dovey, who sent me a meaningful song on Pandora, right before Mother's Day (Song For Mama).  And other days, was that you, when several songs in a row played one after the other, reminding me of you?  Whether because I sang them to you, or because when I would hear them they would make me think of you?

Was that you, my happy baby, who sent my aunt a dream telling her my grand-mere was watching over you?   And was that you, who was in my friend's dream, when she never got the pleasure of meeting you?

Was that you, when we received a gift from our insurance company for referring someone else to them, who sent a dime on the back of their business card?  Finding dimes are supposed to be a sign from a passed loved one.

Is it you, Preston, who somehow lifts me up enough to keep going, even when it feels like part of me is forever gone?  Is it you, who gives me a reason to smile every day, when it would be totally understandable if I never wanted to smile again?  Is it you, who gives me this inspiration to want to help others, by sharing my true feelings, thoughts, emotions?  Is it you, who gives me motivation to be a better person, work hard and live life to the fullest?  Is it you, who has brought a lot of people closer to me, and made me feel really loved and cared about?

I wish I truly knew the answer to all those questions.  I wish I could ask you, ask God, and have you or Him answer me back.  But, that's not how faith works and that makes it incredibly difficult.

Since I did instantly think of you when all those things happened, deep inside, I do believe it was you.  Maybe I only think that way because it gives me a reason to continue to feel close to you.  Maybe I believe it because it gives me a reason to want to see tomorrow and hope that I get a sign from you.  Maybe, even if I'm not entirely sure of my faith, I have more faith than I realize.

Whatever the truth is, my exceptionally special little one, you changed my life forever.  When you entered it and when you left it.  You made me a better person.  You made me more caring, more understanding, and somehow more patient.  You made me more brave and strong.  You made me understand empathy to a whole new level.  You made me appreciate everything around me so much more.  You made me a mama, something no one will ever be able to take that away from me.

Keeping busy

I've kept busy for the past months.  It's one of the ways I've found to deal with grief.  I know it doesn't work for everyone, but it has worked and continues to work for me.  Work itself has kept me busy.  I constantly have tasks to complete, which can be really challenging.  Challenging keeps me happy.  I've always been one to enjoy having a little more than I can handle.  I thrive on it.

At home, I've kept busy with trying to keep the house in better shape, working on the garden, cooking, keeping up with my TV shows, etc.  I hope to get back into reading by Fall.  I've always enjoyed reading a good book, and it's a good pastime for my commute on the train.  Unfortunately, my favorite genre is murder mysteries/suspense, and obviously, death is a touchy subject for me right now.  Perhaps I'll need to pick up one of Janet Evanovich's novels; they don't all revolve around death and they are really light hearted.

This week has been busier than recent weeks but not in a bad way.  I went to dinner with my friend Patty yesterday evening.  It was a good time and I was able to vocalize a lot of what I've been writing about lately.  Vocalizing my thoughts and emotions has always been difficult for me.  I think writing them down is really starting to help me.  Patty, like many, has dealt with many struggles.  One of the biggest ones probably has been losing her sister 2 years ago.  While the grief she experienced isn't exactly like mine, it's been helpful to hear and see the path she's gone down.  It has helped me find my way.  Hopefully, hearing my story, my journey, is helpful to her as well.

Today we are visited by our good friend Jimmy who currently resides in New York.  We had a delicious happy hour dinner downtown Denver and then came home, took a nice walk and the boys are now watching "Naked & Afraid".  This was brought on by the clouds of mosquitoes that kept following us.  This show isn't my cup of tea, but it's interesting to see what people are up to doing.  There's no way I would do that!  I like "Survivor", but this show's concept is a little too crazy to me.

Tomorrow, Brett's parents will be over.  Friday we are playing poker.  Saturday we are going to a social function organized by Brett's work.  Having a busy mind keeps me sane most of the time.  Sitting in my room would drive me crazy because I could see myself thinking about Preston all day, missing him and feeling helpless.  I've had the experience of sitting/laying in bed for weeks at a time and when you aren't on meds, it's really miserable.  Keeping busy gives me a purpose, it enables me to feel accomplished and sometimes makes me feel helpful.

Do you like to keep busy? What are some of the things that you enjoy being busy with? Does it help you deal with stress, loss or sadness?

Games

 

I've always enjoyed games.  Playing computer games is probably one of my earliest memories.  We had an Apple II computer with hundreds of games.  The ones I remember the most are Qbert, Ms Pac-Man, Lode Runner, Conan, Montezuma's Revenge... I think there was one called Lock N Lock?  I had a lot of fun playing these games and learning how to use a computer.

Once our Apple II computer stopped working, my dad got a (work) laptop.  It was bulky, heavy, and thick.  I'm pretty sure that's the computer I first played Civilization on.  Awesome game if you've never played it.  It's probably one of the strategy games I've enjoyed the most.  Adventure games were also a type of game I enjoyed.  I enjoyed the linear storylines though it got frustrating when you just couldn't figure out the next part of the puzzle!  I enjoyed the King's Quest series and the Hero's Quest first installment.  There are others I'm sure I'm not thinking about.

I bought my first computer with money I made babysitting.  It was a Celeron 333mhz.  Really fast at that time.  It was great! I got to play games in my room when I wanted, and also got to use it for my school papers.  I was also really proud to have been able to make such a large purchase.  I must have been 13 or 14 when I bought it.  Time escapes me.. I suppose I could have been 12...

If you've read my blog, or know me well, you know I played World of Warcraft for a long time.  I first played a hunter.  I found it appealing since I'd played a rogue when playing Diablo (and a rogue was more of an archer in Diablo).  I also liked the fact that you could have a pet who would help you in combat.  As the game is ever changing, the hunter was modified so much that I didn't enjoy it anymore. So, I changed my main character to a priest who I named Tsunaze.  I was actually hoping to name her Tsunade, after a character from the Naruto manga.  Yes, I'm a geek, you can say it :P.  Tsunade is a ninja; a really powerful healing ninja.  But since the name was unavailable, I tweaked it and Tsunaze was born.  In World of Warcraft, the priest can be a spellcaster who uses shadow spells to harm enemy targets or can be a powerful healer who will keep the team alive during encounters with monsters.  I made Tsunaze a healer and rather enjoyed it for a long time.  I liked the thought of "healing" or helping others.  I haven't played in a while.  I played quite a bit after Preston passed as it kept my mind occupied, but I felt I needed to be more productive and haven't played in months.  Perhaps once winter comes around I'll start to play again for a little bit.

I did meet my husband playing World of Warcraft.  Our characters can be seen below.  That was what they looked like in 2007.  I'll have to get new screenshots, they look so different now.

Board games and card games are also something I enjoy.  Brett and I play poker about once a month with our friends.  I haven't won in forever, which is frustrating.  Once the tiling renovation is completed, I'm hoping to have people over for a game night.  I feel pretty embarrassed by the state of our carpet right now to have people over.  No matter how much I try to vacuum, it's now to a point where nothing can really make it look better.

I enjoyed playing games with Preston.  He rather enjoyed "this little piggy" when he was about 10-12 weeks old.  He would coo, and laugh in his own little way, since he hadn't quite mastered it yet.  In the last couple weeks he was alive, I would blow on his belly and he would giggle like crazy.  I found a new game just about a week before we said goodbye.  I would pull my tongue out at him and make funny sounds.  I never heard him laugh harder and louder.  It was the best sound in the world.  I think he was starting to get the hang of it too, as he would pull his tongue out constantly, wanting to copy his mama.

I miss your giggles, and your smiles.  I miss your constant kicks and your starting to learn what your hands were capable of.  I miss your coos, and your cries.  I miss how upset you would be when you were wet.  I miss the pure joy you brought me.  However, I cherish all these things and will do so for the rest of my life.  These memories, the games we played, even if they were few, help pull me through each day.  Games remind me to have fun, even when it can seem like an impossible task.  Games, remind me of your smile, and remind me that I should smile too, if only to honor your short sweet life.

Pincushion

I've often felt like a pincushion, getting poked by needles for blood tests and IVs.  I had the pleasure to once again be a pincushion last week.  One poke for my Remicade IV infusion, one poke for blood tests.  The Remicade infusions are supposed to keep my Crohn's Disease in remission.  So far so good I would say.  I certainly don't feel as good as I did when I was pregnant with Preston, but I don't have stomach aches on a daily basis.  I don't even have them on a weekly basis.  I receive these infusions every 7 weeks and I will save you the heartache of how much they cost.  I'm very thankful for insurance!  And yes, I get to be a pincushion every 7 weeks.  Not fun, but I feel like it's doing a better job than the pills I used to have to take on a daily basis...which at one point was 15!

The blood test was for more genetic testing, which my OB suggested.  The hope is that everything comes back negative and it gives me a little bit more peace of mind for a future pregnancy and baby.  The test will cover about one hundred diseases and deficiencies, but the main thing we will be looking at is the results regarding "Medium chain acyl-CoA Dehidrogenase Deficiency", or "MCAD).  MCAD is 

"a treatable inherited disease in which the body cannot turn certain fatty acids into energy due to a deficient enzyme. As a result, partially metabolized fatty acids can accumulate in body tissues, causing damage to the brain, liver, and other organs. If treated early and consistently, people with MCAD deficiency can live normal lives."

(Source - Counsyl website - https://www.counsyl.com/services/family-prep-screen/diseases/medium-chain-acyl-coa-dehydrogenase-deficiency/)


Apparently, MCAD has been associated with SIDS.  While the study is rather recent (~5 years), if I'm not a carrier, it could give me a little peace of mind as to not losing another child to SIDS.  This study states that it's "possible" that undiagnosed MCAD could have caused SIDS.  Hopefully the results come in this week or at the latest, early next week.  Think good thoughts for the results to be negative.  If they are positive, we'll have hubby tested and go from there.

Fears are interesting aren't they?  I used to be afraid of needles.  I can remember being in grade school on the days where we would get our immunizations.  I hated it.  Honestly, couldn't care less now when I need to be poked.  Funny story from when I was in the hospital in 2012, forgive me if I forget which time.  I want to say the first time in May?  I had an IV, since I was NPO (nothing by mouth) due to the bowel obstruction.  The IV gave me nutrients via saline solutions.  The IV gave me pain meds and nausea meds.  But I still had to be poked every morning for blood draws.  This one day, they had to change my IV (it only stays in one area for 2-3 days before they have to change it as to not damage the vein).  They undid my IV, and then something must have come up because at least an hour passed before they tried to get a new line in.  One nurse tried.  Another nurse tried.  The head nurse tried.  Then they called the big guns, the flight of life paramedic.  She couldn't do it either.  I say big guns, because the flight of life paramedics are supposed to be the best at putting in IVs, since they have to get them going in cases of life or death.  They eventually had to get an ultrasound machine, to find a vein, to be able to get the IV done.  I had a good laugh.  I'm sure morphine helped, lol.  Needless to say, I've never been poked more in my life and I'm not afraid of needles anymore.  I don't really feel afraid of much anymore.  Side effect from losing your baby?  Highly probable.  I could be afraid that the results of this test will show I'm the carrier of MCAD, or perhaps something worse.  But what's the point?  Life is going to throw at me, what it wants, and I will just have to find a way to deal.  I've done it so far, haven't I?  Is it fair that I've had to? No, but life isn't fair.

Perhaps, I'm a pincushion for needles, but everyone is a pincushion to something.  We all have our troubles, our obstacles to overcome.  We all have "our thing".  They aren't all equal, but no one person is the same, so someone else's struggle might seem miniscule to me, but it can be like climbing Mount Everest to another.  When we were younger, we were taught, "don't judge a book by it's cover".  Everything isn't what it always appears to be.  Be kind, you never know when you'll make someone's day.  Someone might seem to be doing fine, but down under, they could be going through the toughest thing they've had to face.

Another 19th, another milestone

Yesterday was the 19th of July and Preston would have been 8 months old.  I think it was a good thing that I was so busy yesterday.  Kept my mind occupied.  This doesn't mean I didn't think of my little guy.  So many things remind me of him that even if I wanted not to think of him, I would find a way.  But, I wouldn't want a day to go by where I don't think of him, even if it can be painful.

My day started with the fun task of cleaning our old oven since we sold it.  I had sprayed it with oven cleaner the previous evening hoping that it would make my life a little easier since using the self-cleaning function wasn't an option.  It wasn't as bad as I anticipated.  The oven cleaner really does work magic.  It was just time consuming and parts of it required awkward positioning.   Being short and not having the longest arms, cleaning the back of the oven was a little challenging.  Cleaning the "roof" of the oven made me a little light headed due to having my head upside down.  I kept having to go fill up a bucket of water in the backyard since the hose on the side of the house was out of the question for use.  If you remember, our basement flooded... it's because the pipe to the hose on the side of the house burst during the winter (not that we knew this until just recently).  So it was a lot of going up and down the stairs to the back of the house and back up with a heavy bucket of water.  Needless to say, I earned my treat of going to the hairdressers at noon :)

I did finally get my hair done.  The hairdresser was very nice and knowledgeable and she helped me decide on going with blond highlights, which I haven't done in several years... and we cut it shorter than I've had it in a very, very long time.  I like it, but I'm still adjusting to the change.  Now I just hope that I have more patience styling it than I did when I had longer hair.  I have patience for most things.  I get frustrated so easily with my hair, most likely because it doesn't come naturally to me...  I just wish it did what the hairdressers are able to do with it, lol.

Right after my appointment, we went to pick-up our friend, and drove down to one of his rentals where our old oven was to find it's new home.  The nice thing is, it's where Brett lived when I first met him, so it was nice to see the inside of that house again.  Good memories.  Seems like it was ages ago already.  After chatting up one of the tenants, and setting up the oven, we went to have dinner at Old Chicago's in Boulder, which is ironically the first place Brett took me to, and where we had our first date.  Nice nod to our beginnings, yesterday was.  After dinner, we headed up to the mountains to gamble it up playing poker.  The wait was long, so I got to go visit my favorite slot machine from last month.

The night wasn't as fruitful as any of us would have hoped, but I did have a good time.  I won a few hands, and met some nice people.  I was able to see "big cats" and think of my little guy on his 8 month "birthday".  I was able to have fun, and let go, even if just for a little while.

I was exhausted by the time we started driving home, and there was a lot of traffic for how late it was.  There had been a bad accident earlier on (we got caught in that traffic too).  We speculated that something pretty bad must have happened for them to still be investigating many hours later.  I hope we were mistaken.  Perhaps we were since I didn't see anything on the news website today. 

Being stuck in traffic, not moving, being exhausted but trying to stay awake, got my mind thinking.  I thought about Preston, and who he'd be today.  Would he have tiny teeth? Would he be close to needing a little haircut?  Would he be enjoying going to the pool and cooling off in the water on a hot day?  Would he enjoy the feel of cool grass on  his chubby legs?  Tears formed in my eyes much too easily.  It was a tough ride home but when we got home, I was incredibly tired and fell asleep in no time.

I figured today would be easier than last night, but I had a total breakdown while driving to the grocery store.  I had of course passed by the hospital where I said goodbye to my little boy months ago.  The memory of stepping into the hospital and hearing Brett tell me that he was gone just rushed to the forefront of my mind and I just relived the whole experience once again.  It's the worst memory in the world and I wish I could erase it from my mind.  I have trouble writing about it right now.  It feels so fresh every time I think about it, like it happened just yesterday.  Time is so relative, it was just yesterday - 4 months ago... but it wasn't just yesterday, it was a full 4 months ago.

After this wave of tears and pain, the rest of the day was fine.  I got the groceries done without any emotional breakdowns.  I got the house clean without painful memories.  We went for a long walk, filled with hopping bunnies.

Milestones are supposed to be happy.  I feel like they will be emotional, painful and unmemorable for a while.  As the years go on, the number of milestones will diminish, and hopefully that will make for new happy memories.  As 2014 moves on, I think it will become more challenging emotionally, mentally.  It's like walking down a boulevard of broken dreams, to quote Green Day.

What I can take away from all this though is the following.  Emotions sometimes have to come out.  Life does go on, whether we want it to or not.  Milestones will keep coming up, and hopefully they will make us stronger.  Or maybe it'll just be a great excuse to think of our smiling boy.  Maybe it'll be a great opportunity for us to share him with our friends, family or anyone who will listen. 

While, I have my emotional ups and downs, I know I am not alone.  Tomorrow is the 8th birthday of a little boy gone too soon.  Think of Devlin tomorrow, and of his parents and brothers.  If you see a butterfly, say hello to Devlin.  Milestones will never really go away.  Just like our angels will always be with us.  In our hearts, in our memory, in the things from our every day life, in the things that remind us of them.  Jamie and Marc, wishing you the best for tomorrow.  Thinking of you, sending you strength, hugs, love and signs from your sweet little Devlin.

That was odd

I saw odd things today.  On my train ride home, there seemed to be some kind of commotion going on behind me.  People kept trying to look back there and try as I may, part of the train blocked my view so I gave up.  When I turned back to look out the window again, I saw an odd package sitting by one of the train doors.  You know what they say about strange packages.  Unfortunately, my phone's battery drained really quickly today and so even if I would have wanted to call the authorities, I wouldn't have been able to.  A few moments later, this older looking teenager came to pick up the package, yelled something like "God is among us", as 2 professional photographers took countless snapshots of him.  When the train finally stopped at the next station, the young guy, who looked stoned out of his mind, ran off the train, through the other train as the photographers struggled to keep up with him.  School project you think? They did get on at the community college stop.  Very bizarre school project if that's what it is.  I really was scratching my head about that one.

It was not the end of odd things I saw today.  My laziness spell ended today.  I left 5 minutes early this morning, caught an early train, got off 2 stops ahead of mine and took a nice long walk before going into the office.  I did not see anything odd, but I did hear a lot of songs that made me think of Preston during my walk.  Later on, when I was home, walking back up the deck stairs after checking on my garden, there was a white feather on one of the steps.  But oddest were the following.

Brett and I went for a 4 mile walk after dinner, down this nature trail that starts behind the high school that's by our house.  The first thing wasn't totally odd, but I certainly did notice it and thought about it as our walk went on.  There was this one little orange wildflower at the beginning on the trail.  Not close enough to the path that you could touch it, but close enough that I could easily see it's bright unique color.  It's the only orange flower I saw on the path.  I've been thinking about the color orange a lot lately.  As I mentioned in another post, I want to make a post about each color in a rainbow and be reminded of how they make me think of Preston.  As I've already done yellow, the next logical color would be orange, so I have been thinking about it.

As we continued on, I noticed a cactus growing along the side of the path.  Odd, I've never noticed any cactus growing near our house, or anywhere else I've been so far.  We then saw more and more of them.  Colorado can be arid, but I didn't think I'd find cacti growing a few miles from my house.  Even odder was the following.  We followed the path rather far until we hit a fork.  My understanding is that the trail continues on for quite a while (at least 2 highway exits).  We thought we'd take it one way for just a little bit until we would turn around and head back home.  There were several trees that had fallen by the little stream.  At least it looked like they had fallen, but when we looked at them closely, we saw that they had been eaten - by beavers!  Beavers in Colorado?  Beavers in the suburbs?  Now that's odd.  Never in a million years would I have thought we'd see a dam built by beavers, a couple miles from our house.  But as you can attest below, we did indeed see one.

 There are a lot of strange things in the world, and clearly, right underneath our noses.  It seemed like Preston's favorite blanket and onesie that are on my dresser had something laying on top of them for part of the day.  It wasn't straight like I remembered it, but most likely it is my mind playing tricks on me. 

Preston wasn't odd aside from the fact that he didn't cry too much.  Even before he was a true angel, he was an angel.  He didn't cause me to have endless nights of fatigue.  I had several, but it wasn't over and over and over again to the point that it drove me crazy.  Oddities about Preston, maybe his weird toes and ears, or should I say, my weird ears and toes.  He did get those from me.  So glad I have pictures.

Things might feel out of place sometimes, but noticing them really makes for a more interesting life.  It gives you something to talk about, something to research and learn more about.  It gives you hope of finding more oddities (hopefully not like the one on the train though).  Blessed are we to continually find surprises, gifts, that exist all around us.

Are their any oddities that you have encountered? Do they give you hope, or give your curiosity a tickle?  Do they make you smile?  I smiled at the orange flower because it really did make me think of Preston.  I grinned at the cactuses because they were thriving, in an environment that didn't seem quite right.  They were beautiful and gave me hope that even if you feel like you don't belong, you can thrive, grow and blossom.  And the beaver dam made me smile - a nice nod to my Canadian heritage :)

I've been lazy

I feel like I've had a lazy week.  I haven't been for long walks.  I haven't as diligent about what I'm eating.  At the same time though, there's been a lot going on.  Monday was the homerun derby which I wanted to watch.  I had my Remicade infusion on Tuesday, and we also had friends over that night to watch the All-Star game.  It was raining last night.  I was tired all day today.  I find it too easy sometimes to make excuses.  It drives me crazy.  I wish I could stay motivated for longer periods of time.

I'll get back to my walks though.  Maybe I just needed a little break?  Isn't it okay to slow down a little bit sometimes?  It should be a full weekend - I'm finally getting my hair done on Saturday.. it's been since February.  Haven't quite decided what I want to do but I feel I need a change.  We're then going to bring our old oven to our friend's rental home.  After that, I think we're going to go back to the mountains to play some poker.  Sounds for a full Saturday!  Sunday will be groceries & chores...so much fun :P

I do miss my walks though.  No bunnies this week.  No pain, no gain?  While the walks are time consuming, it is nice to be surrounded by nature.  It is nice when my husband joins me (which is most of the time), we get to talk about everything and nothing.  We did have a nice evening though, watching "Roxanne", that old 80s movie.  We talked about missing our little Preston and how perfect he was.  Not fair is it?

I don't have much insight tonight.  I do feel really tired. Perhaps I haven't slept well for a couple nights, so perhaps I will try to do that now.  Wish me luck! I do hope your week is going well :)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Society has such high standards when it comes to beauty.  You have to be tall.  You have to be thin.  You have to be tanned.  You have to have perfect hair and skin.  And even then, Photoshop is used to make models somehow more beautiful.

I'm not trying to take anything away from these beautiful beings.  Most models work really hard to get where they are.  Some probably have really sad stories and battle issues they might not have to deal with if society wasn't so cruel.  But doesn't everyone have a different definition of what is beautiful?  Aren't we all unique because we have our own tastes, likes and dislikes?  So why are we so easily susceptible to accepting what society calls beautiful?  Why do we let ourselves be influenced by it, and tear ourselves apart to reach that standard?

I struggled with feeling beautiful as a teen.  I had some acne, braces and didn't have a "perfect" weight.  As I got older, and wiser, I was more often able to feel comfortable in my own skin and even sometimes consider myself as pretty.  Battling Crohn's disease though has not always been kind to helping my self-esteem.  Being on Prednisone, or the devil pill as I like to call it, certainly caused me to swell.  I dealt with bloating more often than I'd like to admit.  Those things often made it tough for me to feel pretty.  I felt chubby and overweight.

My attitude took a total shift after my first bowel obstruction, and even more so after my second obstruction and subsequent surgery.  Life will throw obstacles at you throughout your life, and you just have to roll with it.  You have to continually learn to adapt and grow.  Will I have to take the devil pill again one day?  The odds are high.  Will I let it get the best of me? No.  Okay, well easier said than done since Prednisone definitely affects your state of mind too.  But, if I have it my way, I will deal with it when it comes.  I won't let it get to me.  I won't feel "great" in my own skin, but I really won't care what anyone thinks.  This is my battle, this is what I have to do to get better, so that's what I will do.  Will people make fun of me because I have a moonface?  Probably, but I won't let it get me down.  There will always be cruel people somewhere.  Hopefully those people are ones I don't know personally, hopefully they are immature younger kids that don't really know what life is all about yet.

Keep in mind that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.  Beauty doesn't have to be the perfection that society has pushed onto us.  Beauty can be imperfection.  Beauty can be found in intangibles.  Beauty can be invisible.  I find beauty in the soft sound of the rain, and in the chirps of the birds in the early morning.  I find beauty in the kind gestures one person can display to another.  I find beauty in my husband's incontrollable laughs.  I find beauty in his eyes.  I find beauty in the subtle signs Preston sends me.  I find beauty in the strength I have - the strength to overcome 2012, and the strength to continue to live and smile after losing my precious boy.  I find beauty in a fresh blanket of snow.  I find beauty in the sky - stars, clouds, light.  Where do you find beauty?

Short & Sweet Update

Had a BP check today and it was good so I am able to wean off my blood pressure meds by one pill.  Hooray!

Not much to add tonight.  I'm a little tired, but will write more tomorrow, just thought I'd finally share some good news :)

Guilt

Guilt is an unpleasant emotion, is it not?  It feels even worse when you know that the guilt you are feeling is unfounded.  So why feel guilty then?  Perhaps the lack of answers explain the reason for this guilt that somehow always finds a way to creep into my mind.

What if I ate even healthier while I was pregnant?  Were the baths I took too hot?  What if I'd gone to the doctor sooner with my suspicions of preeclampsia?  Perhaps, I would have gone full term and Preston would still be here.  What if I'd taken the day off on March 13th?  Maybe he wouldn't have taken a nap when he did at the nanny's house.  Perhaps, I'd have checked on him sooner, instead of her leaving him alone for 30 minutes. 

Unfortunately, there's no way to know if any of these things would have made a difference.  Perhaps if I'd taken the day off, he'd have passed away on a different day, or even that day.  How thick would the guilt be then?  Is our life pre-destined?  If you asked me where I would be 10 years ago, I would have never guessed I'd be living in a different country.  I would have never guessed that I'd have needed 3 surgeries.  I would have never guessed that without 2 of those surgeries, I might not be here today.  If I'd taken a different path, would it have led me here anyway?

When Preston first passed away, I told myself, perhaps he was taken away because he would have had a painful life.  Perhaps he was going to be very sick.  I think it brought me a little peace to think that way.  I don't want to think that my baby might have been really sick.  I don't want to think that he might have inherited Crohn's Disease from me.  But if he had, I would have known the signs.  I would have known how to deal with it and he would have been okay.  So perhaps he would have had something more serious?  Obviously that's just speculation.  Unfortunately, many little ones have difficult lives through no fault of their own.  Some suffer their whole lives.  It's really sad.  Why do healthy babies die when other babies suffer for a long time?   There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason.  Will we find out one day?

When Preston had just passed away, I also told myself that my happy baby never got to see the ugliness of the world.  He never had to understand what war is.  He never had to hear the horror stories we hear on a daily basis on the news.  I don't listen to the news anymore.  I can't bare it.  All my sweet P ever knew was love, comfort and happiness.  I can only hope that SIDS is not painful, and that it's simply like going to sleep and never waking up.  From what I've read, that's what it seems to be like, but who knows for sure?

I read a nice quote last night when I couldn't sleep:  "One day, a son asked his father, 'Why is it always the best people who die?'  The father answered, 'Son, if you are in a meadow, which flowers do you pick? The worst ones or the best?'" - Author Unknown

This quote touched me to my very core.  I've always felt my son was really special.  I don't say this to take away anything from anyone else's kids.  He was just really, really special.  He was always happy, he was simple and easy going.  He made it easy to be a mom, even when I had to get up every 2.5 hours to pump and then feed him.  Sure we had hard times, but in my eyes, he really was perfect.  He was too perfect for this world.

I had that inscribed on his urn.  I think hubby was upset with me when I requested it, because he felt that it might make our friends/family feel like their kids aren't perfect or special.  Please know, that my being moved by this quote, and having the quote that is on his urn, wasn't meant to be hurtful toward anyone else.  Nor is my truly believing that Preston was perfect and really special.  Of course I'm going to think like that, I'm his mama.  I'd be weird if I didn't right?

So I guess, I have that underlying guilt gnawing at me.  I really hope, I haven't offended anyone by using that quote on my little boy's urn.  Perhaps he was special and that's why he was chosen to go so soon after being born.  Perhaps God needed him more than I do, though I really have a hard time believing that.  Or perhaps, there really is no rhyme or reason.  Life can just be cruel.  Life can just be difficult.

Guilt can tear a person apart.  Guilt can drive one crazy.  Guilt can make you feel sick to your stomach.  Take it from me, don't let guilt get the best of you.  If you have something to be guilty about, why not ask for forgiveness?  If your guilt is due to being disappointed in yourself, why not try harder the next time?  If nothing else, why not talk to someone about it and let it out.  Write about it.  Let it go.  I know, much easier said than done :)

The guilt was ever present for me this afternoon.  I really wanted a sign that I did everything I could.  I really wanted to know that I couldn't have done anything differently.  I got a sneaky one.  Hubby and I watched the Home Run Derby (well I'm still watching it as hubby sleeps).  I'm sure Preston knew we'd be watching.  The HRD was delayed for over an hour.  When the first home run was hit, a full beautiful rainbow could be seen behind the Target Field in Minneapolis.  Preston not only made me feel better, but he made me and his father smile.  These signs can be so powerful sometimes.

Another 13th...

Another 13th means another month has passed since Preston's death.  I don't like to acknowledge the 13th, but I'm always aware of what date it is, whether I want to be or not.  The 13th is hard and I always try to stay busy.  I certainly did that today.

Slept in since we were out late last night.  We had a fun night at our friends' house playing in a Ping-Pong tournament (I was watching in the sidelines) and a friendly poker game.  The whole night was really relaxing.  I got to talk to my friend Crystal about Preston quite a bit, and about how I'm doing.  It's nice to feel that I can also vocalize my feelings more easily now.  I think I'd struggle if I had to do it every day, or constantly, but it was certainly helpful.  We also talked about her son Cameron, who requires a lot of special care.  It was comforting to know that keeping busy helps her through her struggles as well.  I'm certainly not alone having to deal with issues, and this mama has got the strength and courage of a lion.  Crystal, you are truly inspiring to me, and you give me a lot of strength.  I hope I am able to do the same for you. :)

I did the groceries, probably in record time since I found out about 5 minutes before leaving that my in-laws wanted me to see the house they just made an offer on (5-10 minutes away from our place).   They won't be moving in until they sell their place in the mountains which won't go on the market until sometime next year, but they will be close to help out with another little one, should we be blessed one day.  It is a really nice house with a lot of potential once renovated the way they would like.  Hubby will help rent out the place for them in the meantime.

I was busy with paperwork all afternoon, which was really fulfilling.  Definitely kept my mind occupied.  After dinner, I took a walk with my father in law, for a good hour.  It was nice to get to know him even better. :)  It was a cool evening for July, and we got sprinkled on due to a quick rain shower which kept us cool during our brisk stroll.  We even got a nice hello from Preston:

It would be easy to just say, it's "just" a rainbow.  I've been living in Colorado for 6 years now, and I really don't remember getting any rain in July, and certainly not this late in July.  Perhaps my memory is faulty, but I really don't remember seeing any rainbows in July (except this year).  It was really, really nice to see this sweet hello, today of all days.  I wouldn't have seen it if I didn't go for that walk, and I certainly hadn't planned this walk.  It was really a spur of the moment thing.  It really did make me smile and believe that my little angel is all around me.

As another "month" begins, I hope that I continue to find solace in signs from my little one, comfort by sharing my son with the world, and continue to heal in my own unique way.  Thank you for letting me share my treasured baby with you all.

Tree of Angels

I was really moved by the gestures of this fellow grieving mom.  She wishes to remain anonymous but authorized me to share this story.  I hope you are as moved as I am.

Somewhere out west exists a tree where angels sway together in the wind.  They are all together and all remembered.  Their memory lives on in this tree.  Name plates have been attached to the tree with ribbons of all colors and were placed lovingly onto the branches of this wishing tree.  As each was placed, a special prayer was said for each lost soul.

The idea came about when this wonderful mom wanted to give her living daughter a wishing tree where friends and family could leave her a wish or simply "words of wisdom" for her to read one day.  This idea itself is just fabulous and thoughtful for this young little girl.  As this mama was creating this tree, she had a thought: "I wanted to not only include my Angel but to tie a ribbon on this wish tree for each one of our Angels and dedicate it to them as well".

She offered this to hundreds of grieving mothers and continues to do so to this day.  Mamas are encouraged to choose the color of the ribbon.  Colors that are meaningful to them, that make them think of their baby.  So many mothers have taken her up on it.  The overwhelming number of ribbons and nameplates just shows us how many people have to deal with the loss of a baby.  I think it gives a glimpse into how many people deal with this kind of pain, yet, you really don't hear many people openly talk about their miscarriages, or stillbirths, or loss of their baby.  All in all, it seems that society is scared to understand that these families need support.

Understanding, let me elaborate.  Understanding perhaps isn't the word to use.  For anyone who hasn't lost a baby, quite honestly, I don't want you to understand what it's like because to understand, you'd have to lose and I don't wish this on anyone.  Perhaps a better way to explain it is that people don't seem to want to listen to the stories about loss.  It's something that's too sad, and people don't like sad.  They prefer to stay silent and sometimes go as far as avoiding people in their lives who've had a loss.  I'm not really saying this from experience.  I've mentioned before that my support system has been awesome, but I've read so many stories where grieving parents are just left out to dry.  Some of them are even treated cruelly with words and actions; even from loved ones.  I can only imagine how much harder this makes this already too painful experience.

This type of story warms my heart because it shows support in the purest form.  This is a totally considerate and humble gesture.  This is such a gift for grieving parents.  It not only acknowledges their baby, but it acknowledges them as parents.

It's terribly tragic to see that there are so many angels.  But at the same time, I feel so honored that Preston and his big brother/sister dubbed "baby H" are able to live on in this tree with so many other special angels.  This wonderful tribute has really touched me as does the strength of my mama friend.  To be able to do this for so many in the midst of her own loss speaks volumes as to her strength.

Those who have angels on this tree have been privy to a few videos... it is really moving how the angels sway in the wind, to the sound of children playing and to the sound of chirping birds.  They really seem to enjoy being together, their spirits living on due to the love of their parents.

Sway on little angels, live on.  You will live on in the tree of angels, and forever in the hearts of your mommies and daddies.

Thank you for all that you do.  And, thank you for supplying pictures where I can forever see my little angels among all the others lost little ones.  May they sway and play together forever. :)

 

Playlist from this morning

The songs that played on Pandora for me today on the train were rather interesting:

Happy by Leona Lewis
You do what you have to do by Sarah McLachlan
Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park
Say Something by A Great Big World
Colors of the Wind by Vanessa Williams
The Middle by Jimmy Eat World
Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

What's interesting is that these all remind me of Preston - a lot.  My interpretations are below.

To me, Happy by Leona Lewis is about trying to find a way to be happy, which is basically what I struggle with every day since losing my little boy.  I certainly don't feel happy, though I'm able to have happy moments every day.  It's an inspiring song though and I find it soothing to listen to even if it's hard to hear sometimes.

To me, You do what you have to do by Sarah McLachlan is about learning to let go of someone.  While I will never let go of Preston, I did have to say goodbye to my happy baby.  I'm now doing what I have to do to live on without his physical presence in my life.  This song moves me because it's true, all in all, I don't know how to let him go, how to really live without him.

To me, Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park is about loss and new beginnings which is what I'm going through right now.  "Goodbye's the only way", perhaps, but I really struggle with it still.  I've said my goodbyes, but sometimes it still feels surreal.  Almost feels like this whole ordeal has been a really bad dream, or that having Preston was a wonderful one.  Funny how your view of things changes as time goes on.

To me, Say Something by A Great Big World, is about needing signs from a loved one, a lost loved one.  I really struggle with this one because it really speaks to me, except for "I'm giving up on you".  I couldn't give up on Preston.  But sometimes, on tough days, it can feel like "I'm giving up on you" is what I want to tell God.  I want to know what happened to my baby boy, why he's gone, why he was chosen to go to heaven so soon.  But, I know that I can ask over, and over, and over again, but I probably won't find out until it's my time.  I'll never stop asking for signs, or be happy and soothed when I see them.  I saw many bunnies today, saw two rainbows in the window of the train this morning (light was bouncing off something to create them), saw a tiny white feather (with brown edges) while walking around the track at the local high school - in the lane I've been walking in lately.  Perhaps all these songs today were in themselves a sign?

To me, Colors of the Wind by Vanessa Williams is about nature and not taking it for granted.  I think since Preston's passing, I've learned to appreciate nature a lot more... actually I've learned to appreciate everything more.  It's a hard lesson to learn given the price it cost me.  The song also makes me think of my little boy because of the colors it speaks of, because of the picture the song paints... it just reminds me how amazed Preston was by colors.  The colors around us should really bring us happiness... just so wonderful!

To me, The Middle by Jimmy Eat World is about perseverance. I really feel this song too.  "Little girl you're in the middle of the ride"... I really feel like I am.  I'm not at that super low point of grief, but I'm not in a great place either and I'm just waiting to see if the ride is going to take me up or down next.  Losing a child is like being on a never-ending roller coaster.  Have I mentioned before that I hate roller coasters?

Lastly, to me, Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls is all about my journey and I will have to share that another time.  I could make a whole post about this song, and I will sometime soon.  For now though, I'm tired and I need to sleep... the fun of having a summer cold :(

But, just before I go nighty-night, just wanted to share how my garden is doing! Seems to be thriving no?

Highway Exit

They are building a new highway exit by our house.  When they first started the project late last fall, I was excited at the prospect of possibly shedding 10 minutes off my commute each way.  Right now, there's just one way out of the community I live in, and it's a fast growing community.  Granted in the morning, it's not super crowded because I leave the house so early, but if I catch all the lights, it can really add to my commute.

Now, I'm looking forward to the highway exit because I won't have to drive by the new hospital every day.  You see, they recently opened a hospital by my house.  It's like a 2 minute drive away.  That's the hospital they took Preston to.  That's the hospital I said goodbye to my baby boy at.  Anytime I go anywhere, I have to drive past it.. and not just drive past it really, I have to go around it because it's on a corner I have to turn on.  It's a lot of bad memories that I wish didn't exist.

I also pass by the hospital Preston was born at each time I go to the train, which is all week days.  It's the same hospital I went to when I was sick in 2012 and where I had my bowel resections.  I don't like hospitals, but I've had to spend some time in them because of my health issues.  By far, this has been the best hospital, and passing by this one, doesn't tug at my heart as much.  They took good care of Preston in the NICU.  They took fabulous care of me.

Not to say everyone didn't do a good job at the new hospital.  They tried so hard and everyone was so broken up about the turn of events... but to this day, I still can't think of the moments I spent at this hospital.  That's where I found out about my miscarriage and that's where my baby was pronounced.  It's so incredibly overwhelming and I just wish that hospital would go away... since it won't, and I'm sure it's been a good hospital for many, so I shouldn't wish it gone, I will simply look forward to our new highway exit.  Perhaps next summer?  Fingers crossed!

Are there things in your life you wish you could avoid because they just bring back too many painful memories?  Does it get better with time?


My little sweet P when he was in the NICU in November 2013.

Lesson of Courage from Cats

So this might sound a little out there, but my cats are giving me a lesson in courage.  Right, I know, they are cats.

I don't think I've talked about my cats, so I'll start by introducing them - Acro (seen on the left) and Calex (seen on the right).  You might think their names are unconventional and unheard of.  They are.  Acro and Calex were named after two of our friends we met playing World of Warcraft.  Acro was a druid (who could morph into a cat) and Calex was a paladin.  We've actually met "Acro" and "Calex" in real life.  Before we got our cats, we were just going to get one, and I liked the thought of naming my cat after "Acro" the druid cat. :)  But, when we went to pick our cat, his sister made an impression on us and we decided to get both of them and Calex just seemed fitting, even more so now that we know she's crazy! Just kidding, Ann ;)

So, Brett and I are pretty quiet people and I wouldn't say that our house is usually bustling with activity.  We have friends and family over on occasion, but I guess we didn't do much of it when they were still kittens.  Perhaps it was because I was often sick due to Crohn's flare ups.  Because of the lack of exposure to other people, our cats have become true "scaredy" cats.  They would hide whenever someone came over and would come out only hours after they'd left.  Hide under the couches, behind the bed.  We even found them in really odd places a few weeks ago after our weekend retreat - Acro on top of the kitchen cabinets above the fridge behind the plants and Calex in the basement under the stairs.

But, they have been coming out of their shell.  Come dinner time, if people are over, they now come to the kitchen and actually eat.  And today, I even got them to come to the family room where Brett and his parents (and dog) were.  It was awesome.  They were so courageous.  Surely if they can overcome their fears,which obviously is a tiny fear in comparison to human fears, I can overcome some of mine.  Perhaps, I can start with smaller fears and then try and conquer bigger fears.

Oddly enough, sometimes I feel like I don't have any more fears.  Death used to be one of my biggest fears.  Having a chronic illness and dealing with bouts of intense pain sometimes makes you wonder how painful death can be.  Since losing Preston, that fear has mostly gone away.  I'm not wishing for death or anything, but I am not scared of it anymore because I look forward to seeing my little boy again :)

But, I do have fears about pregnancy, and having another baby, having a healthy baby, about the first year of said baby.  Perhaps those fears will never go away, but perhaps if I face them and take small steps towards conquering them, it'll be ok :)

Support Group

We've been going to a support group organized by Angel Eyes, a Child Loss Awareness non-profit organization.  We attended our first session when we were 3 weeks out from losing Preston and we're now 16 weeks out.  We've met at least 14 other parents who have lost a baby, most of them from SIDS.

These people are very kind hearted and open about their feelings which can be very difficult to share, especially in a group of strangers...but we all share a deep grief and I feel like it really helps us feel more at ease with each other.

I'm often asked, "does the group help"?  In actuality, yes, it helps quite a bit.  Some months it helps more than others, but I always seem to be able to take something comforting from the sessions.  I think what I took away tonight was that even 1 year+ out of losing your child, it is difficult for some parents to be in their child's room.  That really brought me some comfort and means I don't need to push myself to be okay to go into Preston's room or feel like I need to be okay with it in 6 months.  I don't need to do anything with his room until I'm ready.

Our subject tonight was "what other people say that can be hurtful".  I've been really blessed to not have too much of that.  I've had someone tell me, "well, if you can't have other children, that's God's will".  No one ever said I couldn't have any more children... why would you say that?  But this was just a few days out and I think I was still too much in shock to really react.  Plus, I know this person's intentions weren't meant to be hurtful.  I've had other people tell me, well he's with God, so he's in a better place.  As wonderful as God is, I'm sorry, but there will never be a better place for my child than his mama's arms.  Again, I really didn't say anything because it was kind of like, in one ear out the other... rise above, don't comment.  If I ever want to say anything regarding Preston being in Heaven and it being "ok", that's my right because he was my child, but no one aside from me and his dad should be allowed to say such things.

Sometimes, silence is hurtful too.  There was a couple that commented that their family never mentions their daughter, and it makes them feel like they've already forgotten about her.  I can imagine that this would feel hurtful, but I do understand that sometimes, people just don't know what to say.  Sometimes though, I guess that "I'm sorry I don't know what to say" can be more comforting than silence.  So hopefully it's not that they've forgotten, but more they don't know what to say and are afraid to say the wrong thing.

I'm really thankful to have met the people in our support group.  While I wish I would have met them under different circumstances, they've all had helpful comments.  I'm thankful that parents who are 1 year out, 2 years out, 7 years out still attending whether for themselves or to be helpful to others.  I feel like, I want to help others in my situation, and don't want to just attend to help myself, but to help them.  Perhaps, everyone feels a little bit that way.  I now think of Jeffery if I see a bumble bee, and think of Salem and Devlin if I see butterflies (please forgive me if I've misspelled their names :( ).

I'm thankful for the support group and I highly recommend you attend a support group for anything you are really, really struggling with.  At least, try it out, because you really never know.  The one on one counseling wasn't for me.  I felt like I was just saying what I was thinking or telling my friends. 

When you think about it, these types of groups haven't always existed.  While the topic of child loss seems to be something very taboo within our society, I can only imagine that it was worse 50-100+ years ago.  My grand-mere lost her 3 boys - one at age 8, one at age 4 and one was stillborn.  I very much doubt that she had much of a release and/or talked about it much.  And I feel bad that she didn't have that outlet.  I wonder how she did it.  Many people say I'm strong, but I feel like I have nothing on my grand-mere.  I do wish I could hear her perspective and understand how she went on after each of those losses.  So, really, if you need help with something, reach out.  These support groups exist for a reason.  Perhaps it won't work for you, but give it a try, just in case.  Suffering in silence can really be tough.

In closing tonight, I just want to say thank you to everyone who's part of the support group.  I shared my blog with them tonight and I hope to find out that they've read it, if not every day, on occasion.  I want them to know that everything they share is so helpful for someone else's healing.  The different perspectives, at one point, touch someone else because while no one grieves the same way, a lot of the emotions, and thoughts we have, experiences and fears we have, are shared at least by one person.


Below is just a picture (taken during my honeymoon) that brings me peace, much like I feel when I'm able to share in the feelings/thoughts of someone else living through a similar journey.