Little chefs

I'm not Iron Chef but I can usually make a pretty decent meal.  I used to be a good baker too, but the altitude is something I'm still trying to adjust with when it comes to baking.  In Colorado, "tourtière" is nowhere to be found.  What is "tourtière" you ask?  Essentially, it's a meat pie that originated in Quebec and was traditionally served on Christmas Eve and New Year's Day.  French Canadians, certainly among other cultures, often begin celebrating Christmas on the Eve with a large meal at midnight or around there.  It was customary in my family.

I worked in the supermarket industry for a good 10 years, my first job being that of a cashier.  When I moved out on my own, the holiday season meant that I could buy a meat pie as we had them in the frozen section. Yum!  Search as I may, when I first moved here to Colorado, I could not find any.  Not in regular groceries stores.  Not in specialty markets.  I took it upon myself to search for a recipe on the web, found one and have altered it and made it my own over the years.  It's now a classic for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Everyone loves it.  Every time I make one, it seems to be better than the last.  The picture above doesn't really do it justice, as the lighting was really poor.  I tried to enhance it with my new Adobe Photoshop that hubby gave me for my birthday last week, but that's the best I could do.  Basically, the meats are ground beef, ground chicken, ground pork and some bacon for good measure.  Add some onions and riced potatoes with some spices, put it in a pie and voila!

This is probably as creative as I've been in the kitchen, and I started off with the base of someone else's recipe.  I was watching Masterchef Junior this afternoon and was just astounded by what these 8 to 12 year olds can do!  I'd have to practice and ruin a lot of dishes before I could compete with the likes of those children!  It's really inspiring to see them go.  They have these ideas, and turn them into restaurant quality dishes and I'm not talking Burger King or Chili's here.  They have ambition and drive.  They are motivated and competitive.  They have dreams.  Should they continue to work and try as hard as they do, I have no doubt that they will succeed in fulfilling their culinary dreams.

As it is a competition show where one child wins $100,000 and a trophy (bragging rights!), every week, 2 kids have been eliminated.  Masterchef can be pretty brutal, as the hosts are often really blunt (and vulgar).  Masterchef Junior shows a softer side to them, and they always give positive feedback to the children.  The show usually ends with the eliminated contestants saying what they took away from the competition.  "I have more confidence in myself" was what one of them said this week.  I know another said something like "I made the top 10 and that says a lot about my abilities in the kitchen.  I won't give up my dream".

It made me think about how each month, at grief group therapy/counseling, whatever you want to call it, we do the same.  We each say what we took away from the session.  So far, I've been able to do that every month, which I think is important.  It goes without saying, that you don't get over the loss of a child.  You find ways to adapt and cope.  How I've been able to cope and heal, is in big part because of these groups of parents who attend and share their experiences, thoughts, fears.  I remember being stuck on the "why" we lost Preston.  On the "what is SIDS".  On the "what if it could have been prevented".  For starters, you can't prevent SIDS.  You can reduce the risks, which we did everything in our power that we possibly could knowing he was more at risk as a preemie.  During one session, one of the parents, Abby, talked about how they lost their son Ryder, and how they knew what caused his death.  Knowing didn't make the pain less.  Knowing didn't give peace of mind.  Knowing didn't take away the guilt.  That helped me a lot.

In that same fashion, I always try to end my blog entries with something positive, or something that I've taken away from the experience or thoughts I shared.  I hope that in reading my entries, you are able to ask yourself "what am I taking away from this".  Perhaps, try to ask yourself that question upon finishing my entry each time.  Feel free to share, I do love the feedback.  It's helpful to me, and I hope it is to you and others as well.


I hope that I'm often able end my blogs the way I describe above.  I really want this blog to continue helping others.  Today, hearing those kids with such enthusiasm, with such passion for life already.  Those children with great attitudes - it made me realize that I need more of that.  I have my talents and maybe they aren't in the kitchen (to the same extent as those kids anyway), but I shouldn't sell myself short on what I can do and what I do well.  I'm not 12 with my whole life ahead of me.  The biggest challenge in life hasn't been to cook the perfect egg.  It's been dealing with the loss of my son.  My sweet sweet Preston.  Obviously, there's no comparison but I think, if I can somehow allow a little innocence back into my life, maybe just maybe, that enthusiasm for life can resurface.

Allergy triggered memory

This creature causes my nose to run, my eyes to water and itch and make me sneeze.  It isn't always the case, but there are some days where it gets pretty hard to tolerate.  Last night was one of those nights.  I took a Benadryl and hey, I did sleep great!  My allergies were still present this morning though, so I took a Claritin instead, as it doesn't make me drowsy.  

As I was dealing with the symptoms that accompanies my allergies to cats, I was transported back to my pregnancy with Preston.  It was amazing.  While I was pregnant, I had no allergies.  No symptoms.  No nothing.  Crohn's was in total remission too.  I felt like Preston had magical powers, because I'd never read that pregnancy could cute allergies, even if only during pregnancy.  Now, when I have severe symptoms due to allergic reactions, I long to have Preston in my womb again.  Who wouldn't want such a little miracle? :)

I find it amazing how many random things can trigger memories of Preston, considering how short a time he was with us.  There are definitely some things I would prefer to avoid thinking about, but there's a lot of good.  Consider Calex herself.  The cats didn't seem to care for Preston much.  We paid a lot less attention to them, and Preston would make noises and his movements were rapid, sharp and unpredictable.  They stayed away from him for the most part.  However, they were starting to warm up to him.  I was taking a video of Preston once, and Calex decided to rub her body against his bouncer.  To a cat that can mean "that's mine" or "I love you".  I rather like to think they were starting to warm up to him, and get used to the changes in our lives.

I'll never really know whether they would have ended up warming up to him.  I was often scared that they might scratch him, or jump on him, but they never did.  I think that counts for something.  I look forward to the next random thought about Preston, the next memory that I didn't will into my mind, but rather the next one that takes me by surprise.

Thanksgiving and memories

This time last year, I was standing in the parking lot at Target, waiting for them to open the doors for the Black Friday sales.  My intentions weren't to go shopping on Black Friday.  I had a newborn at home.  But he weighed just over 4 pounds, and he was so little that we couldn't have him sleep in his crib.  So I ventured off to Target to buy a bassinet.  It was cold, and there were so many people.  The line looped around the parking lot.  I found the perfect bassinet and somehow was able to have a clerk go check in the back if there were some, as there weren't any on the store floor.  It took awhile, as I'm sure the clerk was interrupted several times by mobs of customers.  I was lucky; there was one left in stock!  The clerk brought it to the customer service desk as I went to look for a couple more items, since I didn't have a cart.  They were all taken.  I remember buying at least another thing, not sure what.

The clerk at customer service was so nice and let me check out there, instead of making me head to the check out line where hundreds of people were standing.  I count my stars that he allowed me that courtesy.  An extra hour or two with my son, which to most people doesn't seem like a lot but to me, it's equivalent to years since I only got 16 weeks with him.

Brett set up the bassinet, and Preston slept in our room for a good 2 months.  In the middle of the night, I'd feed him in the rocking chair that is still in his nursery.  After he'd eaten, and burped, I would rock him, or read to him, or sing to him.  I'd play lullabies for him, they would play from his swing as I rocked him in my arms.  There were nights, where he'd be asleep but as soon as I put him down in his bassinet, he would wake up and cry.  I found this one lullaby on YouTube, and would play it from my tablet, as I rocked the bassinet until he would fall asleep.  I did that for about 3 weeks, I think.

Today is Thanksgiving.  A day to be with family and celebrate all that we are thankful for.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  I know it.  I've written about it countless times.  It doesn't make it easier though.  Thanksgiving will forever be a monumental milestone for Preston - he came home.  Although his stay in the NICU was short, it was still terrifying.  The doctors and nurses were wonderful and their words comforted us - "Preston is in the NICU for the best of reasons; He's just really small, and needs to get a little stronger so that he cane control his own temperature and have enough energy to eat."  He did just that.  Everyone was pulling for him, and a Thanksgiving blessing - he came home that day.  We had a small feast at our house, as Brett's parents, his sister Erin and fiance Jason had come over with delicious food.

Today, I'm once again thankful for the 16 weeks I had with my son.  I don't understand why he had to go.  I never will.  I don't know that I'll ever really get fully past that.  I know he's in good hands, though I feel he'd be in better hands with me.  Is that wrong to say?  I am not trying to defy God, or say that I don't trust Him.  I do, I'm just still oh so hurt by the loss of my precious baby.  I'm still raging mad inside that Preston had to be one of the precious babies that didn't get to see his first birthday.  I'm still grieving.  I will be forever.  Ironically, I find comfort in that very notion - I will grieve forever, because that is how deep the love I felt for him, how deep the love I still feel for him.

I'm thankful for memories, even when they make me sad.  They are good memories.  Happy memories, and they are only made hard, because Preston is no longer here.  They are made difficult, because on such a family day, his presence is missed.  Holidays to me are family time, and something just feels off without him, even if we only had him for one Thanksgiving, one Christmas and one New Year.  One day at a time.  One holiday at a time.  One moment at a time.  You will make it through.  I'm still standing.

Petey the bunny

I received this bunny today around lunchtime from my co-worker, my friend Kay.  Kay has a big heart and has a really sweet soul.  I've known Kay for almost 6 years now, and she's always in a good mood.  She saw this bunny in a store and just had to buy it because it made her think of me.  Thank you Kay, you brought tears to my eyes today.

I've been struggling lately with the lessened amount of signs I'm seeing.  Am I looking for them less?  Maybe part of me knows seeing rainbows and bunnies in the winter will be extremely rare?  Is it possible that I'm just getting less signs because I don't need them as much?  These questions have been swirling around in my head for a couple months now.  I think it's probably a combination of it all.  It all saddens me though.  I don't want to look for less signs.  I don't want to need less signs.  I'd love to have signs every day.

I don't know how Heaven works, what angels can and can't do.  I can only speculate.  In my mind, a visit from an angel is something really special.  For it to be special, it can't be something that occurs every time you want it to.  For it to be meaningful, it has to be something you aren't expecting.  If you're lucky, sometimes you'll get a sign when you ask for it, but I think those may be reserved for times when you really need them.  I think they may be reserved to help you keep your faith, when it's at an incredibly low point.

I'm not better than I was 8 months ago.  I have adapted to this new, different life I'm living.  This acclimatization makes it easier to cope with the emptiness Preston left behind.  I'm able to function, and live to the best of my ability.  For these reasons, I may not need as many signs.  I wish it weren't true, but at the same time, I don't want to go back to a place where the pain is too hard to live with.  That pain resurfaces on occasion.  It always will find a way to sneak into my life.

In the meantime, this new little friend, has earned a stay on my desk at work.  For every day that I don't get a sign from Preston, I have a bunny to say hello to.  I'll have a subtle reminder of my son with me during my work week.  It will bring a smile to my face and remind me that Preston wants me to smile, and be happy.  I will comfort me, in knowing how much my friends care for me.

My friend Wanda asked me what I would name the bunny.  I didn't know what it would be until I started writing this post and Petey the bunny just flowed from my fingers.  I guess I had Petey on the mind.  A fellow angel mom lost her son Petey at 20 weeks of pregnancy on March 27th, 2014.  That was 8 months ago today.  Angel mama ChickinNH is now pregnant (yay!), and has reached the milestone in her pregnancy where she is the exact number of weeks and days into this new pregnancy than she was when she lost Petey.  Milestones are hard.  I keep thinking about tomorrow.  Thanksgiving.  Last year, Preston coming home was our Thanksgiving miracle.  This year, he's already gone when he should be waddling around as a one year old.  Not the way it was supposed to be for Preston.  Not the way it was supposed to be for Petey.

Perhaps it's silly, but I hope that Petey the bunny can somehow help memorialize the real Petey, ChickinNH's son.  All the while he makes me smile as a reminder of Preston, Petey the bunny will remind me of Petey.  Live on little angels.  In our hearts, and in everything around us.

Another year older

I thought it fitting to use a picture from my 3rd birthday.  30 years ago, I received Cheer bear.  Last year, 6 days before my birthday, I met the happiest baby there ever was.  On my birthday, 6 days later, a year ago toady, Preston was in the NICU.  I had a prolonged stay in the hospital due to the pre-eclampsia and needed a lot of observation as my blood pressure kept spiking.  It took several days for sure for it to stabilize with medication, since having Preston did not rectify the situation, as it should have.  So, on November 25th, they kept me for an extra day, just to make sure.  Part of me thinks that out of the kindness of her heart, my doctor wanted me to stay with my son on my birthday.  I'm so thankful for that.  Even more than I was then.  I didn't know back then, that Preston would only be with us for 16 weeks.  There were no indications that Preston had any kind of ailment.  That's what SIDS is though right? No warnings.  It just happens without a warning.  It blindsides you, even if there's always a slight fear of it when you are a new parent.

No signs from Preston today though I heard another 2 Leona Lewis songs.  What's up with that?  I really wish I would have gotten a huge sign today.  I had a nice day.  A busy day at work, just the way I like it.  A nice dinner with Brett, Charles, Kate and Greyson (Preston's best friend).  Delicious burgers made by my husband.  Beautiful flowers from my friends, handed to me by their 1 year old son.  One of the cutest things I've ever seen!  Yummy birthday sundaes from Dairy Queen.  And to help with my blog, Brett got me Adobe Photoshop! Can't wait to play with that and have wonderful pictures to share :)

Do wishes really come true if you don't share them after blowing your candles? Maybe I'm disillusioned by what's happened to me this past year with the loss of my son, but I don't know that it makes a difference whether you share your wish, or not.  I didn't blow out any candles, and I rather like that I didn't.  I didn't make a wish, but I'll make one now: My wish for this year, is to continue on this healing path, all the while, hoping that Preston finds his way into more and more hearts.  My precious son, I feel has so much to teach me still, even if I should be the one teaching him.  You may not love him the way that I do, but I hope you open your heart, let him in, and just feel the happiness that he is.

Excerpt from Leona Lewis' "Run"

(...) 

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice (...)

Snowflakes gone astray

I had a subject all aligned for tonight's blog entry.  Actually, I had two.  It all changed when I stepped off the train on my way home from work.  I stepped off, took a few steps, and then was showered by snowflakes.  10 seconds later, they were all gone.  It's interesting because when it happened, I felt transported to a different place.  It was as quick as the blink of an eye, but for that brief moment, I felt surrounded by happiness and love.  Preston must have been there.  Those stranded snowflakes were his way of saying hello.

The train ride preceding this serendipitous event had been a nice one.  I heard several songs on Pandora which reminded of my son.  That hadn't happened in a while - several songs in a row that is.  What strikes me most is how often I hear Leona Lewis songs.  Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike her music or anything, but I don't have any of her songs on my iPod.  Yet, I hear "Happy", "Bleeding Love" and "Better in Time" all the time.  Is there a message there?  If you've read most of my blogs, you probably know that I don't throw the word happy around like I used to.  Since losing Preston though, that song has just reminded me of him every single time I heard it.  Of course, there are days where I just can't listen to it, but lately, it's gotten easier.

I heard two of these songs today.  It felt really nice because I felt like I was getting some a sign from my little boy.  They've been fewer and fewer.  It's a little scary to think about.  I don't want them to decrease or go away, but I don't really have a say in it.  Those songs today though, and the mysterious 10 seconds of snow falling on my nose.  It gave me hope, that perhaps those signs won't ever go away, as long as I'm open to seeing them.

I didn't get my wish of angel dust last night.  If I had dreams, I don't remember them.  I'm rather used to it.  However, I slept better than I had in a week.  Perhaps I did get a sprinkle of angel dust after all.  To my sweet Preston, thank you for the little visit, even if I could have easily missed it with the blink of an eye.  I hope you think of me as often as I think of you.

Dust

A storm rolled in this afternoon.  At least, it appeared like a really big snow storm.  Big snow flakes blowing to the south.  When all was said and done though, all that had fallen was a dust of snow as you can attest from the picture above.  As the snow was blowing by our living room window, I was reminded of the storm we got on Mother's Day.  It looked exactly like it did on that day.  It felt exactly the same too, peaceful.

Since Preston's passing, I've often found myself having conflicting thoughts about certain things.  Dust, is one of them.  A dusting of snow to me equates to serenity.  It is pure.  Seeing the snow fall, and letting out a big sigh can be so releasing.  However, when I think of dust, I also am reminded of the dust that is collecting in my sweet P's nursery.  On some of his things that are still in the kitchen, or our bedroom.  Dust shouldn't be collecting on his crib and mattress.  It should be being used every day.  Dust shouldn't be settling on his swing, rocking chair and bouncer.  I don't have to step into his room to know that it is.  I should probably go in there and do a good dusting.  One day, I'm sure.  All I know is that it won't be today, or tomorrow.  Probably not this year.  I've been told by other parents that there is no set time to do anything when you are grieving.  There's no schedule that says "it's been 6 months, you need to pack up the nursery".  Some parents were able to do it a year later.  Some almost 2 years later.  I don't know when that day will be for me.  Or for Brett.  Time will tell, and I try not to dwell on it.

I try, but sometimes I can't help but think about his nursery.  This room where he slept.  Where I rocked him, fed him his bottle and read to him.  This room that was supposed to one day be filled with little race cars, baseball mitts and legos.  It's very difficult to get passed the fact that he'll never know what those things are.  I think that actually, it's not something you really get passed.  It's just something you get used to and most days, you are at peace with it.  Other days, you struggle with that thought, or similar thoughts.  Some days you cry, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Dust can be a thought that brings me peace, but it can also cause a lot of anguish.  This happens with a lot of different things.

Do you think angels come visit at night? Perhaps they sprinkle happy dream dust on our sleepy heads?  Probably not, but I like that thought, and maybe I will think of that as I try to fall asleep tonight.  Sprinkle me with happy dreams, ones that I'd be elated to remember tomorrow morning.

Rainbowless days

I received this beautiful hand made card and dish when I returned from our trip in October.  It brought tears to my eyes, with how kind this gesture was.  "Spread Happiness" which has been Preston's mission.  When he was born, he brought so much happiness to this family.  And now that he is in Heaven, he is spreading happiness everywhere his story goes.  I'm so thankful that his spirit lives on within everyone that allows him in.

The card warmed my heart, as did the little rainbow dish.  Rainbows truly can be anywhere.  As Winter nears, the rainbows we see in the sky, will probably not make an appearance until Spring.  I consider myself lucky though, because I have this rainbow dish to remind me that Preston is all around me.  I also have a rainbow catcher, which I have yet to figure out where to hang up.  I have rainbow pasta in the pantry.  I have many pictures to look at, and memories to hold on to.

Once the leaves have fallen off the trees, the colors of nature appear to become muted.  The bright green grass of Summer, is now a pale brownish yellow color.  The leaves that remain in the trees are now brown.  The bushes are bare, the daylight is not as strong, and it's lifespan is short.  Flowers are now dormant.  Winter will bring blankets of pure white.  And while I've often found myself complaining about snow, I now welcome the purity that it represents.  I may not look forward to brushing snow off my car, and scraping ice off the windows, and even less driving on icy streets, but I look forward to the serenity that it will bring.  It will sure brighten things up, up until it melts again.

For the days without rainbows, there will always be smiles.  I will forever be comforted by stories of kindness from one person to another.  How touched I was today when I received an email from a neighbor for a request for #SpreadHappinessForPreston cards.  His birthday might have already passed, but people are still wanting to spread some happiness, much like Kimm did with this card she sent me a month ahead of Preston's birthday.  

Fly by time, by all means

These are my Preston boots.  I have a hard time believing that I bought them over 2 months ago.  I have a harder time with the realization that November is almost over, and that the year is rapidly coming to an end.  This year, like every other year has gone by quickly.  Preston's been gone for 8 months now.  I have a hard time acknowledging that fact.  Shouldn't time feel like every second is being dragged out?  

At times, it really does.  When I feel sad and when I miss Preston so much that it aches, the minutes couldn't be going slower.  And I do miss him so much every day, but I think that time, is making it more bearable.  Somehow.  It's possible that I change my mind tomorrow.  The twists and turns of grief.  As I type this, I already feel that guilt creeping in.  Why can I miss my son and bear it? Shouldn't I be miserable all the time?

I often hear or read others telling me how strong I am.  At times, I believe it.  Most of the time though, I just feel that I'm doing what anyone else in my shoes does.  I continue on because I have to. I may be strong, but for the most part, I'm just surviving.  I'm keeping busy, which is probably the main reason time seems to fly by so swiftly.

I'm currently riding a wave that is gentle and smooth.  I see the happiness that exists around me.  Preston seems to have a way to make me see the best in everything around me.  Maybe I don't want to see the bad, because I've dealt with so much of it.  I've always been optimistic, but I feel like he's shown me the light that exists in the world.  #SpreadHappinessForPreston showed me how much people really care about those around them.  They really care about making the world a happy place.

I didn't have a lot of direction with this post.  Perhaps that's why I struggled with a title for quite a while.  I guess if I have a point it is this: Breathe in the good times.  When you are humming along smoothly, acknowledge what you are appreciating.  When the wind eventually brings a storm, do what you have to do to get through it, and don't let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong.  We all deal with situations differently.  Do what feels right for you.

That being said, to go back to the question I asked myself earlier: Shouldn't I be miserable all the time?  Losing my son broke my heart.  Losing Preston is something I think about every day.  I love my son just as much as if he was here for me to hold.  That will never go away.  There is no day that will go by where I won't think about him.  For my sanity, for my heart to heal, I need elements of happiness in my life.  I need to lead the busy life I've become accustomed to.  I thrive on being busy all day at work, with no reprieve.  I really do.  I probably do more now than ever.  All that often brings me some joy, and makes time go by really quickly.  Would time moving slower help me?  As Krystal told me a couple times, every day, I'm one day closer to seeing Preston again.  Fly by time, by all means :)

The Internet - Portal to friendships

I think Tsunaze looks pretty bad ass in this picture.  I love the look on her face.  As if she's saying, "Really, you want a piece of this?" as she takes on a ninja pose.  Tsunaze, is no ninja.  Right now, she is a shadow priest, trying to make her way to 100.

Chinese to you? Yeah, if you haven't played World of Warcraft, it probably is.  You may have seen commercials announcing the latest "Expansion" for WoW.  Worry not if you haven't.  I won't be speaking about which quests I'm currently on, what my iLevel is at, and which dungeons I'm looking forward to.  I started playing again this weekend with this latest release of the game.  I always find them fun.  I've been playing this game, on and off since sometime in 2005.  Along the way, I made some really good friends - Soraxen, Acroyear, Calex, Ronho, Jeager, Mervyn and so many others.  Okay so those are their screen names, but I also know them as Brian, Al, Ann, Mo, Will and Jon.  

You see, the internet can be a place where you meet wonderful people.  I've met wonderful ladies through the BBC loss forums.  I met amazing women, inspirational women through blogs.  And in WoW, I made some everlasting friendships.  For several years, we "hung out" together several times each week, working as a team, toward a goal of defeating "evil" monsters in WoW.  Some battles took months to conquer.  But we did it, and the cheers over "Ventrilo", a voice over IP software we used to talk to each other as we did "battle" were so much fun to here and partake in.  Forever, our battle song was Jeager's bottle opener.  It's okay if you don't get this one ;)

Speaking of Jeager, he kind of inspired this post by contacting me this morning, letting me know that he had donated to the American SIDS Institute to honor Preston and also let me know that he reads my blog all the time.  #SpreadHappinessForPreston has continued on today!  I was so touched, because we haven't really played WoW together in a long time, yet that friendship was built over the internet, and it created a bond, where we all really care about each other.  Sure, there were so duds along the way, Ciera the mage anyone? Hehe.  But, for the most part, we had a great bunch of people within our guild, our group.  Some have come and gone.  Some have returned and left again.  Some visit seldom, but a lot of us have stayed in touch, whether we are still playing or not.

I've met several of my guildmates, in the flesh.  We visited Sean, Ann and Al in 2007.  I met Brian and Davide for dinner in Denver last year.  Brett had dinner with Allan and I think Carl was there too.  We had breakfast this summer in Denver, with Mo and his wife Sarah, who also plays WoW but I haven't had the chance to play with her much.  Steven attended our wedding!  We had dinner with Chris (Modrid) in Boulder a few years back.  And, we also met Simon, who was visiting his friend in Colorado and he surprised Brett for his birthday. We stopped by David's place while he lived in Toronto.  Gosh, I miss Lumps now!

The internet can be filled with crazies, that is for sure.  But, when you spend as much time as we did together.  When you bond, whether it be trying for months to defeat a monster while playing a game or you bond because you've had a similar experience like the loss of a child, you can form bonds that are ever lasting.  You can form true friendships.

With the magic of the internet, and these friendships that were formed, happiness was spread in so many different places.  Colorado, Quebec, Ontario, Nevada, Maryland, Alberta, South Africa, Wyoming, Idaho, Hawaii, California, Illinois, Washington, Missouri.  I'm sure there were a lot more places that I'm just not aware of.  I've been amazed to see where I've had readers.  The majority are in the States and Canada, but I've still had quite a few in other countries.  The diagram below doesn't show every country, but it shows the top ones, all time.  I always get excited when I see a country I haven't seen pop up before.  It makes me smile, to think my little guy, is travelling the world, one person at a time.  Thank you Internet.  Thank you for crossing my path with so many special people.  Thank you for allowing me to keep in touch, with old friends and family.  Thank you for being like a magical portal for friendships.

Your first birthday

Dear Preston,

A year ago today, you came into this world.  For 16 weeks, you brought me more happiness than I'd ever experienced.  I wish with all my heart that you were still here, but life had other plans for our family.  Today, your life was celebrated and honored.  I want to tell you, that I'm so incredibly proud of you.  You have touched so many lives.  So many people love you, even without ever having met you.

I'd been dreading this day for a while now.  I thought I'd be upset all day, dwelling on the fact that you don't get a first birthday on this Earth.  No birthday cakes.  No presents.  No happy squeals.  The day started off rather emotionally, but not as bad as anticipated.  I wore my "Preston boots" for the first time.  It felt appropriate.  They are so cute to boot. Ha! Unintended pun.

I left 2 gift cards on the windshield of the cars parked next to mine at the Lincoln station park & ride and then headed to the train.  On the way to work, I saw several messages from friends and family, saying nice things and sharing how they spread happiness today, to honor you.  The first thing I saw, was a friend who did a manicure to honor Preston. You can view it here: http://instagram.com/p/vlOOMOtBRS/

Soon after, I read about what one of my friends who bought "Timbits" (donut holes from Tim Hortons) for her son and daughter's teachers.  She also let someone go ahead of her at checkout at the grocery store.  I knew one lady who was bringing donuts for her co-workers.  I got so many hugs today.  Never underestimate the power of a hug.  Des gave out goodies to everyone in our department, with a #SpreadHappinessForPreston tag on each.  So sweet, generous and moving.  Thank you Des.

Around 9:30, I got a beautiful email from Tina.  She and some other girls I work with, had bought balloons to release, and were inviting me to join, if I was up for it.  I'd wanted to do something like this myself, but just didn't have the strength to go buy balloons.  I met them in the lobby at 10:15, and we walked a block away.  Each of us, got one of the multicolored balloon, and we released them into the sky wishing Preston a happy first birthday.  That is what is pictured above.  Thank you Tina, Carolyn, Brianna, Dana, Nancy, Debbie, Charlene, Jess, Lisa and Jocelyn for being part of this most touching moment.  When I got back to my desk after the having watched the balloons soar into the sky, my day had just been turned around.  I no longer felt the sadness of your loss.  Instead, I was happy to celebrate your life.

Today, the world honored your life.  They honored your in so many ways.  Kip sent a donation in your name to Angel Eyes.  Tiffany made a donation to Project Night Night.  Lisa made a donation to the American SIDS Institute.  Ajay asked her daughter to be extra nice today: "open doors for others, lend pencils and paper when needed, tell the teacher how pretty she is today, and to be there for her fellow students in any way possible, if needed".  Her daughter is 10, and wanted to know why her mom was asking her to do all this today.  She told her Preston's story and her daughter then looked to the sky and said "happy birthday you sweet lil angel! I don't know you yet, but I love you!".  How sweet.  Ajay, you have a really sweet daughter.  Ajay spent the day cleaning other people's messes, complimenting others (even if they were rude), helped her daughter get ready for the day.  She gave more hugs to others than she has ever done in her life.  She planned to spend the evening in a retirement home to spend time with the lonely.  Ajay, your daughter's card to Preston was beautiful.  Please thank her for me and give her a big hug.

Another mom paid for other people's parking for the day.  Krystal is having a tree planted in the Superior National Forest for little Ava P., Jack, Claire, Ava T and a little baby boy who never got to be named.  What a sweet gesture.  She's also offered to have one planted for Preston's honor.  You are a sweetie Krystal.  I'm so moved.  Irene, attached a card to some McDonald's gift cards, and handed them out to homeless persons.

Katie also donated to the Ameican SIDS Institute. Thank you Katie.  A mom from BBC, emptied her wallet and donated to a food drive.  Acts of Kindness were done in Baltimore by Jon.  My friend paid for another girl's lunch today.  I left a $20.00 tip for our $25.00 lunch.  So many others told me they were participating.  I don't know what they did, but I just know, that it was a successful day.

Additionally to all this, a lot of happiness was sent our way.  I received flowers from Sereena and Kim.  A lovely single red rose from Charlene.  Lisa had a star named for Preston.  How incredibly original and dreamy.  I am moved beyond words.  Brendan and Jess, donated several bears to unprivileged children.  They will all wear a #SpreadHappinessForPreston card.  Thank you! That is so, so touching.  Jocelyn and Barry gave us a rainbow catcher to hang in a window.  My co-workers from Financial Services bought us a memorial stone with your name on it, and your birthday.  It's a terracotta stone with mosaics on it.  So beautiful.  I am speechless at all these acts of kindness.  Just a few minutes ago, we received flowers from neighbors on our street.

Finally, Meme and Grandpa in Montreal, released 8 large balloons containing your #SpreadHappinessForPreston cards.  Who knows where they will land?  I hope they make it far, and bring a smile to many strangers.  My aunt Jocelyn and uncle Burnell, donated to various charities.  Brett, my loving husband and your dad, brought pizzas over to the firehouse.  The firemen remembered you, they were the first responders.  I think it's a testament to how special you are, that they remember you.

Prestson, I'm wishing you a happy birthday.  I don't throw the word happy around easily.  I didn't think I'd want to associate happy with your birthday, but if today taught me anything, it's that you've made the world a better place, even if you were only here for 16 weeks.  You created so much happiness today.  You made me realize just how much of an impact your life has made on others, people that held you, loved you, others who never got the chance to meet you, and others that didn't know you existed until you were gone.  I hope that Liz was right, and that you are celebrating your birthday on a cloud.  I hope cake is as delicious in Heaven as it is on Earth.  I hope that you had a nice day, and were spoiled.  I know I would have spoiled you if you were here.  What else is a mama to do? ;)

Thank you to everyone who has participated.  I invite you to continue to share how you have spread happiness today.  And, I hope you will participate again, next year, and every subsequent year.  The world could really use more smiles

Emotions gone wild

I mentioned yesterday that signs from Preston were few and far between during my vacation.  The picture above was taken on the drive home from Vegas somewhere in Utah.  The P in the mountain made me smile.  Now it doesn't stand for Preston, and I forget the name of the town it honors, but I could have easily missed it.  I did not, and the mere fact that it made me smile, and tear up, was special to me.

I'm not one to like showing my emotions in public.  I suppose, that is probably the case for most people.  There was a time in my life, when I was younger, more naive and still learning what life was all about, when I couldn't control my emotions.  Nothing I could do, would control any tears, or laughter.  It bugged me that I could cry so easily, for what I felt were stupid reasons.  With time and maturity, I think I've gotten much better at keeping it together.  Maybe it's thanks for having learned to deal with certain situations.  Or maybe it's due to that professionalism standard while at work.  Sometimes, it's probably helped by the fact that I always have something to do.

Since the beginning of the week though, my emotions are so close to the surface I can feel them overflowing.  I was on the train home last night and I was writing down thoughts as they came, because I've been frustrated lately by having great ideas for my blog, and then poof, it's gone.  So many thoughts were bringing tears to my eyes.  I didn't want to control them, didn't try to control them, but they were there without a moments warning.  The thoughts weren't all Preston related, but I suppose most were.  This sentence kept coming back to me "memories fade" and that's a scary notion.  I've reread some of my blog entries lately, and for the life of me, couldn't remember writing them.  I'm glad I did though, because it helps preserve those memories that are slowly starting to fade.

For that reason, if you are finding that you have memories that are starting to fade, I encourage you to write them down.  Even if it is just a few words that might trigger that memory.  For example, my brother the other day, talked about some of his favorite memories, and one of them was when we slept over at my Grandmere's house.  We'd sleep in the living room, in sleeping bags, or on these uncomfortable orange cots, and when we could, we'd sneak her dog into the room.  I don't remember much about my Grandmere.  She passed away 25 years ago, and I don't know about you, but my memories of being 8 are few and far between.  But seeing those words my brother wrote about these times we spent at her house, triggered all sorts of other memories.  I can now map out her apartment.  I remember hearing the city bus passing by at night as we tried to sleep.  I remember that her living room had a weird accordion type door.  She had a green couch, and always had hard candies in a bowl.

Preston's birthday is now palpable.  Tomorrow.  Only a day away.  My emotions are all over the place.  All the things I wanted to do, had we been so lucky.  All the things I thought about doing, but don't have the strength to do.  Get some blue balloons to release into the sky.  Bake a cake in the teddy bear shaped cake pan.  Send a present to a one year old little boy somewhere who shares his birthday.  Maybe next year.  Maybe not.  I think I just need to "feel" out this year, see how it goes.  In the meantime, I fear that my feelings will be all over the board for a little while.  Maybe it will be better in a few days.  Perhaps not.  One day at a time. One moment at a time while I continue the wild ride that is this nonstop roller-coaster.

Routine

It isn't always easy to find a picture which fits my subject for the day.  Sure I can always use a picture of Preston but I only have a limited supply of those, and I prefer to stretch them out,  I thought I'd use this picture today, that of my cat, Calex, taking a snooze... because to me routine equals comfort.  Additionally it also equates to security and to a certain extent, normalcy.

I've been in and out of a routine since Preston was born.  Our routine was always being adjusted as Preston grew bigger.  His meals became less frequent.  His awake time became more frequent and for longer periods of time.  He began sleeping more at night.  3 months after his birth, I returned to work, and again, there were adjustments to our routine.  I picked him up from daycare 3 times a week.  I was getting the hang of it though.  Get ready in the morning for work.  Spend 15-20 minutes with Preston.  Go to work.  Work.  Pick-up Preston.  Feed Preston.  Make dinner & eat.  Play with Preston.  Feed Preston.  Rock Preston to sleep.  Rinse & repeat and plug in other weekly activities like groceries, dishes, etc.

When we lost Preston, routine went out the window.  There was nothing routine about our life anymore.  Routine had been deleted from our world.  I feel like it was non-existent for a while.  Every day was new, different and filled with different emotions.  There was a large hole in our lives, in our hearts.  There still is, but we've learned to adapt.  We've created a brand new routine and little by little, we tweak it to make it feel like we are normal people, even if we are not.

Routine brings comfort and security because I don't have to think about the future, and what could possibly go wrong next.  I don't have to anticipate the worse case scenarios, though, I don't know that it could get much worse than it already has gone.  That security of knowing, tomorrow is a work day, and I'll be busy until I get home from work, is soothing and a time of day that I know I can rest my mind from missing my son.

It was wonderful to be on vacation.  Going to bed and waking up whenever I pleased.  No need to make dinner, or do chores.  No phone calls to take.  To bills to pay.  No constant work during the day.  And the reminders of Preston in Vegas were few and far between, probably not a bad thing.  I don't want to associate Vegas with Preston.  At the same time, I didn't enjoy the lack of signs from Preston, reminders of my son.  However, I think it gave my mind and my heart a well deserved break after a tumultuous 8 months.

And now we are back.  Wake up at 5:00 and get ready for work.  Leave the house at 6:00.  Start working at 7:30 until 4:00.  Commute back home.  Clean the kitchen and make dinner.  Watch a bit of TV and hang out with hubby.  Bedtime.  Rinse and repeat.  Sound similar to your life?  Yeah, it probably does.  That factor makes us like normal people, brings that normalcy feeling to our lives.

Add the hole that exists in our lives and it becomes apparent that we unfortunately aren't normal.  I'd give anything for normal.  To fade into society.  Silence often surrounds me; on the train, at night, during my lunch break.  During those ever present moments of silence, I think of my son.  Of what could have been.  I remember his smile, and coos but I will never see and hear them again.  And then, it is morning again, and the routine brings me comfort again, as I am not forced to sit in a chair and think about my loss for every second of every day.  Routine is a welcome escape which enables me, to savor the moments I spend thinking about my son.  I may not be consciously thinking of him all day long, but he is never far from my thoughts and always, always and forever in my heart.

Does routine bring you comfort too?  If you don't have a set routine, do you think it would be helpful in your journey of grief?  If you aren't living through a loss, does routine help you with certain aspects of your life?

From sunbathing to sledding

Friday afternoon, I was sunbathing by the pool in Las Vegas.  Today, I am home to a beautiful blanket of snow.  Don't we live in a wonderful and beautiful world where the weather can be so different less than 800 miles apart?  I have much to discuss in regards to the road trip we just took, and the road trip we took in October, and the one we took last year in May for that matter, when I was pregnant with Preston.  I promise to get to it one of these days.

But today, I want to concentrate on the blanket of pure white snow.  My emotions toward snow could easily be swayed.  Just earlier, I was watching a couple kids sliding down the greenbelt which we can clearly see from our backyard deck.  I remember watching this very same thing last December, with Preston in my arms, telling him how one day, we'd go sliding down that little hill.  It would be effortless to cry thinking about this.  And it would be understandable - another dreamed slashed.  But, I feel peaceful today.  It may be due to the fact that we are back home.  It could be the result of being on vacation, even if it is the last day.  It's possible that it just hasn't hit me yet.  Deep down though, I know it's because of the snow.

The drive wasn't without any stress.  There was a lot of ice on the highway, on the passes, in the mountains.  Snow and ice and frigid temperatures.  But as you can attest from the picture above, the scenery was filled with serenity and peacefulness.  Smooth white layers of snow on the ground.  Powdery flakes on the evergreens.  Virtually transparent clouds floated in a bright blue sky.  Occasionally a gust of wind would hit the fir trees, and a mist of snow would dance amongst the trees.  It was beautiful, and reminded me of all the times I watched the snow fall as I swayed my baby boy to sleep.  All the times, I showed him the snow, and explained to him what it felt like.  The brisk air made the tip of my nose cold.  It's the first thing that gets cold when I am feeling chilly.  The same was true for Preston, not that I let his nose stay cold for very long.  It was an easy indicator that he just might need another layer.  My nose getting cold, is an instant reminder of how connected my son and I were.  How close we were.  He was my son after all.  No denying it.

His birthday nears, now 3 days away.  Oh the plans I had.  I do hope that the #SpreadHappinessForPreston movement is successful.  On Friday, I had played my last spin of a slot machine and a mere $0.30 remained.  I decided to leave this $0.30 on a random slot machine, with one of Preston's cards, hoping that this made someone smile, or maybe brought someone luck and gave them a big jackpot, or even, enough money to last a while for someone to have fun with.  Who knows if it did or not.  I will imagine that it did.  No one is there to tell me otherwise, so why not?  I also left a nice tip for housekeeping with a Preston card.  If nothing else, perhaps they will also share happiness with someone else, or maybe his picture made someone smile.  Whatever the case may be, any smile that is brought on thanks to my son, is well worth it to me.

Who's 40?

It's hard to fathom that my brother is now 40 years old.  I remember him turning 18 and 21.  Such monumental milestones, or at least to they were to me when I was 11 and 14.  We often had our birthday celebrations on the same day, seeing as our birthdays are 10 days apart.  It made it easier to get the family together, especially as we got older and didn't really do "birthday parties" anymore.  Now that I live 2000 miles away, it isn't much of a possibility anymore.  I do miss that family time, and was thankful to participate in commemorating his birthday, life thus far, via Skype, tonight from our hotel room in Grand Junction, along with the rest of my family, in our childhood home in Montreal.  Thanks for including us :)

I wish my brother would have gotten the chance to meet Preston.  I've seen him with my nephews and niece and he's a wonderful uncle.  I hope that Preston shines down on him, and I hope to one day have little ones that can look up to their uncle Jay.

Growing up, I remember my oldest brother, Jason, being worried that I'd break something.  Everything.  And perhaps I did break things.  A joystick or maybe a well loved toy.  It was sometimes difficult to play with Jason.  Like, I couldn't play Lego with him until I was much older, and by then, Lego was not something he was into.  However, he was always open to playing a board game.  I didn't often win.  Actually I probably didn't win until my twenties, lol.  His competitive spirit though was contagious and I'm sure it's helped me learn that you need "drive" to be successful.  It also made it fun to try and compete in other aspects.  He loved the Nordiques, well, I had to love the Canadiens.  In retrospect, I may have started liking them more because I was easily swayed by my other brother Ted.  And being as I'm the only pure Montrealer in my family, the Canadiens was the right choice! Go Habs Go!  Jay was also really good in school, which gave me that drive I was talking about, to do better.

The age difference between us, 7 years, probably made bonding a little more difficult.  As we got older, I've come to realize that my brother taught me a lot, and learned that we have a lot more in common than I originally thought.  This doesn't mean we didn't have fun as kids.  I was in awe at the Lego village that my brothers built.  There was a lot of organization in that village, year after year, as it grew bigger as sets were accumulated.  We had a blast at our fishing cottage - playing cards, board games and walking in the woods or on the shore looking for fancy rocks.

I think we got closer as adults.  I finally saw what he saw in baseball all those years, after I moved to the states and with the help of high definition television.  I'd always found the sport boring and slow, and I think seeing the game in all it's clarity made it much more interesting.  It's a fascinating sport and I really enjoy the mental game that accompanies the physical aspects of the sport.   Now, we have the pleasure of competing in a fantasy league together.  I did better than him 2 years ago; He did better than I did this past year.  It's on next year!!! :)

Life lessons as per Jay?  Take care of your things or they will break.  Don't be afraid to be independent.  Organization is key.  And a little competition never hurt anyone.  I admire Jay for playing by his own rules, and leading a successful and happy life.  Happy 40th birthday.  Here's to at least 40 more!

Fancy!

As you may have noticed, I have taken a break from writing my blog.  It wasn't planned.  I knew I was going on vacation, and figured I'd have all the time in the world to write.  That hasn't been the case.  We were on the road for 4 hours on Friday night, and by the time we arrived to destination, we were really hungry, and tired.  The next day, we drove another 11 hours or so, and upon arrival to Las Vegas, we had plans, and I couldn't keep my eyes opened when we finally called it a night.  Sunday, I reserved for Brett since Monday and Tuesday were going to be reserved to his conference activities. When I went to sleep on Friday night, I figured it would just be one of those odd days off that I miss out on writing my blog.  And here we are, Tuesday morning..

I have many things to discuss in relations to our road trip, my experience in Vegas thus far and thoughts of Preston, almost 1 week away from his 1st birthday.  How did that happen? How is his birthday 8 days away?  But, more on all this later this week...

When planning this trip, I tried to map out some of the things I'd do while on vacation.  Go to the pool, to the spa, try out yoga, gamble a little bit here and there, shop, have lunch with some friends, and get my hair done.  I've been needing to get my hair done for at least a month now.  Life gets in the way though.  I would often get so busy at work that I would forget to make an appointment.  When I finally remembered and had a free weekend, the salon was booked... oh well.  Something to do in Vegas!  So, I started researching salons in the area and ended up finding one with great reviews.  Off the strip, but a quick 20 minute taxi ride away.  Platinum Entourage. Fancy name.

I headed there yesterday.  The salon had a warehouse/art museum feel to it.  Concrete Floors.  Exposed air ducts.  Art pieces on the walls.  Old dressers and armoires serving as styling tools and supplies stands.  A very unique ambiance.  I met with a stylist, and the owner, celebrity stylist Todd White.  What makes a celebrity stylist?  You got me, but that's what his website says.  He was very knowledgeable and I liked what he suggested.  I wish I had taken a picture yesterday when my hair was still all wavy, but since I'm not really good with my hair, I guess a picture today will have to do.

I may have met a celebrity stylist, but I felt like the celebrity yesterday.  Pain is beauty.  Beauty takes time.  I've heard those expressions.  I lived them yesterday.  The appointment lasted 4 hours.  4 hours!!!!  And my hair was teased and pulled as the old layers of colors were taken out, rather than being dyed on top of the last layers.  Maybe that's the difference with celebrity styling as opposed to the salon in our small towns?  Regardless, as I sat in the salon chair, I wondered, is this what it's like to be on a movie set, getting your hair down?  Or on a TV set, like that of General Hospital, which I've dreamed of at one time or another?  I must be!  At least, I imagined it was.

Interestingly enough, one of the other customers there had her husband tag along with her son, if only for a little while anyways.  Her son started fussing and she asked her husband to take him for a walk, because being at the salon is "an escape" for mothers, and she didn't want to impose on the other women that were getting their hair done.  My feelings on it were as usual, torn.  It was a reminder of Preston, to see this little blond boy, but it was also a reminder of Preston.  Confusing, I know.  I appreciate what this woman did, in requesting that her husband whisk away their son, but all in all, he wasn't bothering me.  Oh what I'd give to have my little one back, even if we were to be fussy all the time.

Moral of the story - It's nice to get pampered once in a while.  Get the fancy treatment, even if it was for a price that I value a little too fancy for my liking.  But you only live once, so why not have a day where you are made to feel like a celebrity?  We all deserve to get our fancy on, every once in the while.  Have yourself a nice day to yourself every now and then, even if life is too busy.

Blinded

I have to start off by saying, thank you Taylor, for sending me a super sweet message through BBC.  Taylor shared with me the following:

I had to share that on my way to Target today, I passed a magnificent field of sunflowers and immediately thought of Preston. I really had no reason to as I was just going over my grocery list in my head, but the thought of him after seeing those flowers brought a big smile to my face today. I just wanted you to know. Thank you for sharing your precious boy. Sending thoughts of comfort, healing and peace. Have a wonderful day, Taylor ps-I will be spreading some happiness for Preston not only Nov. 19, but as often as I can. 

How powerful it can be when someone reaches out with something so purely thoughtful and kind.  This made my whole day, even if it wasn't a bad day.  This just brought warmth to my heart.  It made me smile.  It made me proud of my son for making an impact on the world with his beautiful smile.  He was such a gift to me, to my family.  And I'm realizing more and more that he was a gift to the world.

I was just on Facebook and I realized I had "Other" messages.  Three moms who had reached out to me in September and October.  I feel blind for not noticing before.  How can that be?  I feel disappointment in myself for not noticing sooner.  But I have reached out now, and I hope that all is well.  What's interesting is that I noticed this on the same day I received email where I was being reached out to.  One lady has a relative who just lost an infant.  Another lost her son, and now has a close friend who has lost her daughter to SIDS.  I hope that I am somehow able to help these families with my writing, with sharing my experience, but also by reaching out myself.  Like Taylor did for me.  Like others who have reached out in the past, others who reach out on a daily basis.  I am reaching out because I know how powerful that can be.  How much of an impact it can make.  I reach out, because I genuinely care.  I care about making this journey a little less painful for others walking down this lonely dark path.

We all know someone who's lost somebody special.  Whether it be a parent, or sibling.  An aunt or uncle, cousin or grandparent.  A child.  A best friend.  Should you be thinking about them, or their loved one, let them know.  It can be such a wonderful exchange.  Share the why you were thinking about them.  Or simply say, "I thought of your mom today" or "I saw a butterfly today, and it made me think of you and your baby".  Or, "I know today is a tough day for you, and I want you to know that I'm thinking about you."

These things are so simple, and can brighten up someone's day.  Someone's tough day.  Or even like me today - someone's day that was not a bad one, but that all of a sudden, became one of the brightest days in a long time.  And I think, that warrants a Preston picture.  Spread that smile by sweet P.  Show the world, what a smile can do.  Or stick your tongue out, that works too.

Snow capped

I was doing an online puzzle during my lunch hour today.  It was a winter scene, where the roof of this house was snow capped, with Christmas decorations all around it.  Oddly, this feeling came over me, like a feeling that Christmas would be okay after all.  It made my day.  

And then we went to Target after work.  Christmas decorations are already everywhere you look.  Christmas music is playing.  Christmas is being shoved down our throats, and it's just November 5th!  I've always loved Christmas, the decorations, the lights, the music, but every year, it seems like it is being commercialized even more.  Somehow, because every year, I think that there's no way it can become more commercial than it already is.  The earlier that it can be advertised, the better, stores seem to be saying.  I was actually buying candy on Halloween at the grocery store and most of it was cleared off the shelves, with pallets of Christmas decorations just waiting to be stocked to re-fill the barren shelves.

This year, the thought of Christmas is difficult.  It wasn't going to be Preston's first Christmas, but he was just a peanut last Christmas.  I think he would have enjoyed the lights, the family time, and new toys.  It's also a reminder that he'll never get to believe in Santa Claus.  He'll never get to leave him milk and cookies.  He'll never open a present, has a Christmas Eve feast.  We'll never get to make our own family traditions with him.

Those thoughts make me sad.  It makes me sad that I have friends in the same boat.  However, if I just for a second think about that snow capped roof puzzle I completed earlier today, that feeling of peace returns.  I haven't said this in a long long time, but I am longing for a good snow storm.  The pure white color of the snow.  The silence that seems to come with it in the early morning.  The reminder that Preston lived through snow storms.  We cuddled by the fire.  And he sent me that storm on Mother's Day.  Maybe that first storm will make me cry.  Or maybe it'll make me smile.  Maybe a little of both.  Regardless though, I know I will get through these next couple months.  One day at a time. 

We may not get to make Christmas traditions with Preston present in our lives, but maybe we can still buy him an ornament every year.  Or maybe we can light a candle that will stay lit all day long on Christmas.  We can still create something meaningful to us as a family, which will honor Preston, which will help us include him despite his absence.  It could be a special family time, if we are up for it.  And only time will tell.  What are your favorite holiday traditions?

A way out

I was thankful for our group meeting yesterday.  Our topic was the upcoming holiday season, which for me, also includes a slew of birthdays including my own, my husband and our son's.  As I'm sure I've said before, the anticipation of certain days or holidays can be very tough.  There are days, occasions that you dream of.  You envision the details of these special days, like birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, Easter, etc.  What would Preston be doing? What would we buy him?  What would he like?

You anticipate, imagine and drive yourself crazy with these details, these mental pictures that will never be.  And then you anticipate how you will feel on those days, where your dreams are now null and void.  For some, like me, I've learned that the anticipation is worse than the actual day.  I've done a lot of this visualizing.  I've awaited for the worst.  Now, I feel like I've already lived the worst day of my life.  Nothing can be worse.  I'm trying to not anticipate too much.  Trying to take it a day at a time, a moment at a time.

The thing is though, there's no win-win possibilities here.  If I don't anticipate, I might just end up getting him by a mac-truck of emotions on a certain "special" day.  If I don't anticipate, I might just lose it altogether on Thanksgiving, Preston's birthday or Christmas.  Or I might not.

A way out.  That was one of the things we discussed at group yesterday.  That might mean, skip out on one of these occasions, or all, if you need to.  Go for a walk if all you need is a moment to yourself.  If you are out of town, rent a hotel, a car, and go there if you need to.  Stay home and spend it with your significant other, or immediate family.  Ask that the tradition of saying what you are thankful for this year is skipped.

I don't know how I will feel on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Or Preston's birthday.  I won't be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We'll be at Brett's parents house.  I know we have a guest room there, where I can go to be by myself should I feel the need.  I know I can go for a nature walk if that might make me feel better.  I know, I can ask Brett to take me home, if all else fails.  It's just an hour and a half away, weather permitting.

Whatever the case may be, if you've lived through a traumatic experience, know that you don't need to force yourself through these family oriented holidays.  Your family will be happy to see you, but they will understand if what you need is to be alone.  Or if what you need is to be constantly in their presence.  There is no right or wrong way.  Just know, that it's okay to have an escape plan, if that is what you need.  You just have to do what feels right for you, and what will help you move forward.

Have you ever had a difficult holiday season?  What did you do to cope?  Could you have benefited from a way out?

The road less traveled

I think it was bring your baby to the grocery store day.  I saw every single one, and I have to admit that after five, it started being a little tough.  I don't like to hide away from babies, or pregnant women, or anything baby related.  I don't exactly seek it out, as I still avoid the baby aisles at the store, but I don't like to totally close myself off to it.  I don't think it's healthy for me, and I don't think I'd be doing myself a favor, because one day, I would have to face a baby, and it would just be totally devastating.  Not every encounter I have is devastating but there are days, like today, when the reminders are so constant, that it does get to me.  

So, on my way home, I decided to take the scenic route home, instead of the straight shot highway.  The road less traveled.  I was blessed to see a snow capped mountains, a deer grazing, golfers enjoying the lovely Sunday weather, and people working hard to stay in shape - jogging, bicycling.  It allowed my mind to concentrate on happiness that exists around me.  Seeing babies made me think about what I've lost, but seeing everything else, reminded me that life can be wonderful.  Those babies have loving families just like Preston did.  The endless sight of babies shouldn't make me sad.  

I like to think I'm taking the road less traveled, by embracing the positives in life, the brightness that Preston brought to my life.  I try very hard to remember what I am grateful for every day, and try to discover the beauty that exists in our world.  Appreciate the small things in life.  Take a detour on the way home.  Take the scenic route like we did when we went to Cooperstown.  It was amazing, even if it took 20 extra minutes.  

So take the road less traveled.  It can be so refreshing.

November is here

November is here.  I knew it was coming.  I knew I'd be sitting here at some point in time.  November has always been a special month for my family.  Growing up, it was the month where we celebrated my brother's birthday (turning 40 very soon!!), and my birthday.  After I met my husband, it also meant his birthday and his dad's birthday.  Then add Thanksgiving, which in the US is celebrated in November, as opposed to October in Canada.  And last year, Preston surprised us and was born in November instead of December.  This was going to be an even more special month.

Pictured above, was my first birthday.  I was looking forward to Preston's birthday so much.  Not that he'd remember it, but it's one of those milestones that you dream about when you think about having children.  And just like that, there will be no tiny hands in the birthday cake.  There will be no tasting of sweets for the first time.  There will be no new toys.

November could very easily become a very somber month.  It could become a symbol of darkness and sorrow.  I have to remind myself that Preston wouldn't want that.  Preston wouldn't want me wallowing alone in a corner.  He would want me to smile, as I remember the good times we had.  He would want me to enjoy the birthdays in or family and Thanksgiving.  Hopefully he is smiling down on me, seeing that I'm trying to spread some happiness around the world to honor him.

I have things to look forward to this month.  A trip to Vegas with my husband, where I can relax while he's in conferences.  Massage.  Reading.  Going to the pool.  Sounds like a good time to me!  And, yes a little gambling!  A nice road trip there and back which should allow me to see different places.  Allow me to see more to this beautiful country.  There will be Thanksgiving which always results in a delicious feast!  And it'll be nice to acknowledge our little boy and be thankful that even if it was only for a short time, we are thankful that we had him in our life.  We have our group session on Monday which is about how to deal with the holidays.  I'm looking forward to the feedback other parents have.  Many of them have lived through holidays after a loss, and I think their experiences will help me better prepare my mind for it all.

I'm not big on material things.  I don't ask for a lot in life.  But, yes, I was looking forward to spoiling Preston rotten on his birthday.  I was looking forward to baking him a special cake with a bear pan I bought years and years ago.  I'm reminded though, that I was blessed with having him in my life.  Carrying him and holding him.  Seeing him smile.  Intangible.  Much more special than material.  And I will have that forever.