Blond little boys named Preston

My husband called me at work last week.  He sounded sad which is very unlike him.  He had gone to lunch with his best friend at McDonald's, and something took place that shook him up.  A little blond headed boy of 2 or 3 ran into him.  Cute little thing.  Then the boy's father said "Preston, be careful where you're going".  Shock.  Twinge of pain.  The unexpected jab at his heart.  I can imagine how painful of an event that can be.  That very same day was the one where I was asked if I had any kids and "no" came out before I even knew it. 

The interesting thing is that, this isn't the first time something like this happens to my husband.  Maybe a month after losing our son, he went to the movies, and the same thing happened.  A little blond haired boy of 2 or 3 ran into him while he was at the soda fountain.  That little boy's name was Preston.

If you ask me, that's too many coincidences to me.  No other little boys have run into my husband.  Two in the span of 6 months?  Two little blond boys, like our little Preston.  Two little boys named Preston.  It just has to be Preston's way of saying "Hi!" to his Daddy.  I know Brett doesn't believe in signs as strongly as I do.  He doesn't get the bunny thing, or how I got there.  I feel like he's skeptical about the rainbows and the feathers.  And you know what, that's ok.  We all have our beliefs.  We all have our ways to dealing with grief.  We all have our techniques for healing, for accepting what has happened.  Part of mine has been through accepting the signs that are sent to me. 

I shared my belief with my husband, that this was our son's way of saying "hello" and "I'm okay".  When I told him this, it seemed to make the painful experience a little better.  I truly pray that these were really signs from Preston, and not just some cruel joke the universe is playing on my husband.  Grief is difficult enough on it's own.  Add that the loss is totally unexpected.  Add that the loss is one that should never happen; parents should not bury their babies.  Add that it's not an easy subject to talk about with anyone.  And then poke at it with reminders of what should be.  That's how he felt.  And I just hope that finding a different way of looking at it has helped him. 

Is there anything in your life that you could look at differently that might change your total outlook on it?  Turn something difficult into something bearable?  I encourage you to try :)

Floating above the clouds

Coming home, the clouds were just astonishing.  They were floating below the mountains, and somehow at the same time, above them.  Such a feeling of tranquility came over me.  The few pictures I was able to snap don't do justice to what I was so blessed to witness.  It literally felt and looked like I lived in a city above the clouds.  For a moment, it felt like I was driving towards Heaven.  For a split second, I felt like I might see my son.  I kind of hope that this is what Heaven looks like.  Enveloped in the softness and puffiness of white clouds. 

Today, nature left me thunderstruck by its pure beauty.  Today, I am reminded that peace exists all around me.  Today, I am thankful for the fortunate opportunity to get a glimpse at this rare phenomenon.  I long to play in the clouds with Preston.  This gives me hope that the possibility exists.  One can dream.  I think I will sleep well tonight.

Taking my own advice isn't always simple

I must have gone crazy...I'm taking pictures of a cucumber!! Fruit of my own labor though.  This cucumber grew in Preston's garden, and tonight as the frost starts to approach, I harvested one of the four cucumbers that I planted in June.  I was at the supermarket earlier today, as I usually am on Sundays and saw a salad in the deli counter as I was waiting for my cold cuts.  It was a cucumber orzo and spinach salad with red onions.  I was inspired.  I could make my own!  So, I did.  I gathered a cucumber, some parsley, oregano and basil.  I was going to pick one of my red onions, but it would seem that they didn't really grow.  I'll have to research why not.  Kind of bummed about it.  Oh well, I had onions in the house.  While the orzo pasta cooked, I diced the cucumber and a third of an onion.  I made my own herb vinaigrette using the herbs I picked earlier, some oil, garlic and red wine vinegar.  And it was delicious.  A nice light meal, for a hot day.  A nice light meal, as I once again have the willpower to try to lose weight.  One of my few insecurities is my weight.  I miss the way I looked five years ago.

I read the blog entry of a friend, an angel mom, just before starting my entry.  With Blogger, you can easily follow other blogs written through Blogger.  I saw the new entry and wanted to read it immediately.  In her blog, she wrote about my blog.  Wow!! How touching is that?  To feel like I'm somehow making a difference is mind-blowing to me.  All I've wanted to do was touch one person, and I'm starting to see that I'm helping more than just one.  All that because of Preston.

My friend Josilyn, admitted that my blog helps her face the truth.  In doing so, she made me realize that I should do the same.  I should be able to take my own advice, follow my own philosophies, live by what I believe in.  It's ever so easy to fall into the traps of grief - burden oneself with guilt, allow the anger to boil over, take your frustrations out on others, detach from others, allowing defeat to overtake you.  This appears to be more prevalent when I let insecurities squeeze their way into my life.  Or if I let negativity into my mind.  I realize that my last few blog entries have had a rather negative tone to them.  It's never my intention to go down that path, and I realize that it will happen from time to time.  The fact is, I didn't have a bad weekend.  I didn't struggle with my loss more than any other day.  I enjoyed a lot of time with my husband - watched hockey on Friday, watched a movie right after.  Spent the day together yesterday, along with his parents who came to visit.  We watched another movie yesterday.  And my fantasy football loving husband watched football for most of the day, as he was feeling a little under the weather, and I got to spend again, most of the day just relaxing with him.

So why the negative tone in my entries?  I didn't plan to write about it, but I want to take my own advice. I have nothing to hide, and I want to help others.  One of the forums I frequent on a consistent basis was littered with negativity this weekend.  I've had success in the past as a mediator on forums.  When I was a "counselor" in my World of Warcraft guild, "The Infinite", I was often able to defuse tense situations/discussions.  I'm usually able to keep my composure and have had ease with remaining politically correct (I get that from my Dad).  When you're in a group of 300 people, or any number of people really, there are bound to be rules that don't appeal to everyone.  Some might actually rub people the wrong way.  That's kind of what was going on this weekend.  There are some rules in place in order to provide a safe haven for women who are still heavily grieving their babies.  These rules were pointed out to some members and since tone is so difficult to discern in written format, they were taken the wrong way.  I tried to intervene and while I didn't get blasted directly, I felt accused of being a "mean girl".  Maybe I misinterpreted it, it's highly possible.  Like I said, it's hard to capture the tonality others are trying to convene through their posts.  Nonetheless, there was a lot of negativity, I felt vulnerable and I totally let it affect my mood.  Being labeled that way rubbed me the wrong way.  I don't have an ounce of mean in me, at least that's the way I feel.  Plus it felt very clear to me: we are all grieving the loss of a baby, we are all hurting.  Why in God's name would we want to inflict additional pain on the only people who understand us.  Why would we want to cause more hurt to others who are obviously already dealing with the intense, unfair pain of losing their baby?

I was never the popular girl, not that it was ever really something I strived for.  There were a lot of kids who would make fun of me, for whatever reason.  And yes, it did affect my self esteem for many, many years.  I'm over it now.  I tend to not care what people think about me.  I'm comfortable with who I am.  I'm a nice person.  I care for others.  I will always be nice to others, even if I can tell that they don't like me, whatever their reason may be.  I do have my limits though.  And negativity affects me, and allows those insecurities to come back sometimes even if most of the time, I feel like they've been banished from my life.

At the same time, I get it.  If they felt attacked, even if that's not what was going on, they felt the need to defend themselves.  Sometimes, the wrong suggestion can bring out that same negativity that I displayed this weekend, because it always lies beneath the surface when you are grieving.  Again, I get it.  They are in a bad spot having just lost their baby.  Maybe I was on the receiving end of their pain, their grief, their bad day.  I'm ok with that if it can be helpful to them, but I'm human too.  I have feelings that can easily be hurt. 

It's difficult.  I don't try to hide the sadness.  That's not what you see through my positivity.  I don't try to push the heartache down so that it one day explodes, in my face or the face of others.  I try to see the goodness that having Preston in my life has brought me, that it has brought to others.  Others who either were lucky enough to have met him, or who have grown to know and love him through my writing.  I was going to keep this story to myself, but my friend Josilyn, made me realize that I needed to.  I needed to, so that it was released from my soul.  I needed to so that maybe others realize that when suggestions are made, or when rules exist, they aren't there to make anyone miserable.  They are there to protect.  They are there to lower the chances of chaos.  And yes, there will always be people who break the rules.  Who doesn't?  If you do, you may get corrected, or a suggestion might be made.  Don't take it the wrong way.  No one is trying to protect just one individual, or a small group of individuals.  The community is what is being protected so that it remains the safe haven it was meant to be.

Josilyn, thank you for your blog entry tonight.  Thank you for making me face the music of my own beliefs, and allowing myself to release this negativity that was gnawing at my heart all weekend.  Jade, Chris and Serenity should be so proud of their mama.  You make a difference, and I hope that you know that <3

Faded

His existence often feels like a faded memory.  Was I simply in a dream for 16 weeks? Or am I just now stuck in a nightmare?  What is the meaning of all this?  Why? No one deserves this.  Why allow this type of pain to exist? 

This morning I was emptying the dishwasher after coming across an article about how Stephen Hawking was an atheist and explained how he said that science can now substantiate how existence came about on Earth, and therefore, God does not exist.  It's a tough concept for me to grasp.  I've believed in God my whole life.  There are so many things I don't understand.  If God does exist, and God is good, why don't I have my son with me?

Faith is difficult.  Blindly, we believe in higher powers.  You can't see God.  He doesn't answer you in a clear fashion as if two people were conversing.  There's a saying...You have to see it to believe it.  Faith is the opposite.  You have to believe it to see it.  I struggle back and forth.  I can't really say I've had a day where I stopped believing all together, but I've definitely had days where I question my faith.  I'm having one of those days actually.  It's easy to want to blame God.  My son is gone and I have no explanation.  I have no one to blame and I need to blame something, someone.  It's difficult to be mad at God though.  I don't want to be.  I want to understand.  I want Him to forgive me for all my transgressions.  I want Him to forgive me for this intermittent anger that is directed at Him. 

I used to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I just can't anymore.  I don't see a reason for losing Preston.  I don't see anything good coming out of it.  How can this be for the greater good?  And I know, that's the point... you're not supposed to know God's plan.  You're not supposed to understand it.  But how am I supposed to accept it when I don't believe there was any reason for me to lose my son.  He should be with me, in my arms.  He should be playing in the leaves.  He should be learning to walk and talk.  He should be throwing food he doesn't like on the ground.  He should be learning about football, and baseball and hockey... even if he'd be way to young to understand any of it.  Instead, more and more, he's becoming a distant memory.  The faded smiles and coos.  The disappearing memories.  They're hard to deal with every day.  Anyone have a time machine??

A day to dread

Inevitably that day came.  It came today so innocently.  "Do you have any kids?"  And before I knew it "no" came out of my mouth.  Instantly this pang of guilt overtook me.  What the hell Cat?? Yes, you have a son!!  He's not hear, but you still have a son.  The woman who asked me was distracted though and may not have heard my response, and I got my second chance.  "I had a son but he passed away 6 months ago".

I'd been dreading this day.  You want to answer honestly, but you don't want to overwhelm the person posing the question.  I can only imagine being on the other side, the side that is asking the question and then receiving the devastating answer to a question that was just meant to be "small talk".  I'd be blown-away by sadness.  I'd fear that I'd cause more pain to the woman who lost her child.  I get it.  I get why it's difficult to talk about losing a child.  However, I know the other side.  The side where I'm the mother who lost her baby.  And I know how healing it is to not need to sensor myself when talking about my son. 

It's interesting how the mind doesn't always connect with what your heart is feeling.  Much like my immediate answer to "how are you doing?" is "I'm okay", and sometimes even "I'm good".  I used to be good all the time.  That word doesn't slip off the tongue so well anymore, but it does happen.  Much like "no" stumbled out of my mouth today.  Every time I'd imagined answering that question, my answer was going to be "yes, but...".

It's an added layer I can add to my guilt trips, when they come.  I feel thankful that I got a second chance to answer the question, but I still said "no" in the first place.  How is it that my mind could forget for even a second that I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms 7 months ago?  How is it that I can allow my mind to say things I don't feel?  Or that I haven't thought through?  Maybe my mind wanted to protect my heart?  Maybe it's just out of habit?  I've never had to answer that question before.  Maybe I was just too deep in thought?  I can sit here and make up a hundred reasons, but again, it doesn't change what happened. 

It seems like such a menial thing to worry about.  To feel guilt over.  It just goes to show you how closely guilt follows me wherever I go.  Let go of one thing yesterday, find another to hold onto the next.  I'm slowly already making peace with it.  Writing about it helps and I really do try to stray from negativity... so I will do my best to let it go. 

No matter what I said.  Regardless of what spilled out of my mouth.  I have a son.  His name is Preston and he resides in Heaven.  He had the sweetest smile, and the softest coos.  He was my happiness, and I try to hold onto it every day by sharing him, sharing my journey, with anyone who will read it.  Come what may, he's part of me, his heart lives in mine and for that reason, he will always be with me and I will always have a son.

Making peace with some guilt

My husband is a sweet guy.  I received beautiful flowers at work yesterday, just because.  Those are the best kind right?  It certainly made me smile, and it certainly brightens up my cubicle.  Dare I say, it made me happy?  Yes, it made me happy and I smile every time I glance at them.  He always gets flower arrangements from the Brown Palace, where he used to work, and I have to admit, they do a great job at the flower shop.  I've never been disappointed. 

Did you know the pink rose was a symbol for healing?  I didn't know until just a few moments ago.  Perhaps it's suiting that I received some pink roses, since I feel like I made headway with one of my demons.  I received an email today from one of my co-workers, Jess.  She sent me the picture of a beautiful rainbow she had her husband take a picture of a couple of weeks ago.  It made her think of me and Preston and it was the most vibrant rainbow she ever saw.  She sent it to me just to make my day.  How sweet is that?

I took the opportunity to apologize to Jess.  You see, Jess is a new mom.  Her son, Connor, was born in early March.  I haven't met him yet, even though the opportunities have been there.  Being around newborns is difficult, particularly little boys.  Jess has brought Connor to the office a couple of times and both times, I just couldn't do it.  It's not because I don't want to, it's because I just really am not ready.  I don't really have a better way of describing it, you know?  Jess was so sweet about it though.  She wasn't upset with me at all for not having met him, or really even asked about him.  I feel bad about it.  I feel like I'm not being a good friend.  I feel like I should be able to put my grief aside and show my friend how much I really want to meet her son.  I really do.  My heart is just not ready for it though.  And Jess was so understanding and told me I shouldn't apologize for that.  That made me feel so much better.  It healed a little peace of my heart.  It brought tears to my eyes and I was even more thankful for her kindness, empathy and friendship when she stopped by moments later to give me a hug.  Thank you, thank you, thank you Jess. <3

The understanding Jess showed me today helped me make peace with this feeling guilty for not having met the newborns that are around me.  We have a couple friends that have had babies recently.  I have a cousin that is pregnant.  I have friends that are trying to get pregnant.  I have friends that are pregnant.  Pregnancy and babies are all around us.  Every day.  Whether it's with the people we know, or the people we come across on a daily basis.  On the train.  In line at the grocery store.  At the doctor's office.  On TV.  There's no getting away from it really unless you barricade yourself in your room under the covers.  And maybe sometimes you have to do that, want to do that, need to do that.  That's ok!! But, you can't hide from reality forever.  You have to face your fears sometimes.  I get up every day and deal with this fear.. this fear of coming face to face with a newborn.  A blond baby boy with blue eyes, about 4 months old, or younger.  And when I do, I admit that I don't stick around very long because it hurts.  I'm not trying to hide though.  Truthfully though, it hasn't gotten easier.  One day at a time.  One day, I will be there.

This little demon called guilt is always there when I think that I haven't gone to meet these sweet little babies.  I hurt because I'm not able to show my friendship to my friends and family because my heart aches.  With Jess' help though, I now see that they understand.  My friends understand that it's too painful right now.  The trigger of seeing, hearing babies, is just too much for me.  One day it won't be though.  I look forward to that day, but I have no idea when it will be.  I hope soon?  I fear that it might take a long time, but I hope not.  Time will tell right?

Do know, if you have a baby, are expecting a baby, or are trying to have a baby, I am truly happy for you.  Just because I'm not there yet, does not mean I don't care, or that I'm jealous.  Just because I can't be around babies right now, does not mean that I don't think about my friends every day; my friends and their babies.  I wish them happiness.  I wish them everything that is good.  Thank you Jess, for helping make peace today.  Thank you my friends, for your understanding.  Your patience.  Your compassion.  I've just let go of one demon - feeling extreme guilt for not having met my friends' babies.  One day, I will defeat his friend, the beast that won't allow me to keep it together when I see a baby.

Survival

Reading the title of my entry tonight, you might think that I'm going to talk about surviving the loss of my son, Preston.  And while, I am doing just that, surviving, my blog tonight is about the show "Survivor".  My husband often comments on his aversion to this show.  I, on the other hand, have been enjoying it for, well... too many years!

He's asked me several times, what's the appeal to this show?  You see he doesn't like the intensity created by the use of the music.  He doesn't like the excessive drama.  I appreciate the show for several reasons.  While the premise of the show is to win a million dollars which is very appealing, I admire the contestants for finding a way to put their life on hold and throw themselves into the unexpected.  It takes guts you know?  You'll be batting the elements.  You'll be without all the comforts of every day life.  You'll be without your loved ones.  You'll be without a steady source of food.  You'll be without a decent shelter.  You'll really have to learn how to survive out on your own, with the help of few.

I've never really considered going on the show.  Having Crohn's, I'd just be so uncomfortable without a bathroom nearby.  I don't know how my body would react to new foods, little food, no food.  I don't think I could do that to myself.  Plus, I hate bugs, and I'm sure they'd be everywhere.  So, I admire the contestants for being able to deal with the bugs, and lack of bathrooms too. 

I also enjoy the challenges that are created by the Survivor team.  The different challenges they are able to create every season, is just so fun.  Some are tough puzzles, others are endurance challenges.  Some require accuracy, while others require good planning.  There's something for everyone really.  Then, there's the different twists... hidden immunity idols, exile island, redemption island, tribe merge.  Always something to keep everyone on their toes.  This season is "Blood vs Water" where loved ones are pitted against each other.  The first challenge was pretty emotional.  It was a "reward" challenge where the winning team received flint for making fire.  Well, this one guy volunteered to compete and turns out, he had to compete against his wife.  If he lost, he let his team down.  If he lost, he put his wife at a disadvantage as she would get sent to "Exile Island" where she would spend a few days away from her tribe - not getting to mingle with everyone on those precious first days.  After he won, you could see the pain and emotion in his eyes.  It's interesting how just a few hours into this adventure into the unknown how your emotions just come out.  Good for him for being able to be so genuine.

The game also has a social aspect and it's interesting to see the different approaches that are used.  Some players are super deceitful, yet play the game so well, that in the end, their peers vote them to win the million.  Some players are super friendly, but somehow fly under the radar and also pull out the win.  And sometimes, some players play so deceptively that the players that fly under the radar of their shadow, manage to get more votes.  Some people are very likable, and charismatic.  Others you just want voted out.  There's usually at least one person you can kind of relate to, or feel is playing the way you would want to.  Someone to cheer for.

It's been interesting to see some of the recent contestants...saying that they have been fans of the show forever and have watched it since they were 5 or 6 and now they are contestants in their early 20s.  Time flies right??

Has the show taught me anything?  Perhaps it's taught me some perseverance.  Don't give up, if you really want something.  Life will throw obstacles your way.  You will have to overcome many obstacles.  Sometimes you will fail.  Sometimes you will reap in the rewards of your hard work.  You will have to make hard decisions.  Could it be that "Survivor" is a metaphor for life?  If only a million dollars a true reward for surviving life.  Whether it's the reward or not though, don't give up.  Ever.  Stumble and fall, that's okay.  But don't give up.  You never know what little angel you might make smile as long as you try. :)

Rays of light

I often come home to these rays of light shining down on my neighborhood.  I've seen them before, scattered around - whether back in Montreal, or on a road trip, or downtown Denver.  I've never seen them as much as I see them over our house.  Are the rays forcing their way through the clouds to send me a message?  Have I gone crazy trying to find meaning in every little thing that happens?

It seems strange to me that every week or so, I see this phenomenon.  Or is it just that I'm more prone to seeing it now.  Or are the Heavens shining down upon us to tell me that finally, things are going to be okay.  Are they saying, we are watching over you.  What was it I read yesterday on my friend's Facebook wall? "Dear whatever doesn't kill me, I'm strong enough now. Thanks"

Seriously though, I really have had enough.  Call me strong, call me a survivor.  I might be, but there's not much more I can take.  There's not much more I want to take.  I'm tired of being strong.  I'm tired of needing to overcome all these obstacles.. and I know, that's what life is.  Life isn't fair.  One of the first lessons I remember learning.  Life isn't fair.  Ain't that the truth!  And you are right, what ever else life throws at me, I'll fight it.  I'll "survive" to the best of my ability.  But I'm tired of it. Tired of being broken.  Tired of wanting, needing to find signs to make it through the day.

So, I hope these scattered rays of light are a sign that our household is blessed.  That our household is protected from future tragedies.  That our household will have much happiness, one day.  In the meantime, I send my love back to Heaven through those rays of light.  To my loved ones who have left before me - my grandmere and 3 other grandparents I never met.  Grace, my husband's grandma along with his other grandparents that I never met.  Great aunts and uncles.  To my son, Preston.

Pajamas

I didn't sleep well or much this weekend.  I didn't wake up tired, but I sure felt the fatigue once I was on the train this morning.  Might it be that the darker mornings are affecting me?  I'm more inclined to think it's that I just didn't catch up on my sleep like I usually do on the weekend.  Couldn't fall asleep Friday or Saturday.  We woke up early Saturday and Sunday.  Things to do, people to see, places to go.  I did attempt to nap on Sunday, but the hour didn't help all that much.

And so, at 6:45 tonight, my pajamas were on.  Plans to be in bed early.  Or at least, plans to relax since it's already 8:00.  These pajamas... I bought them with a gift card my mother in law gave me for my birthday.  Funny thing is, every time I would put on these pajamas, I would end up with Preston's spit up on them within 20 minutes.  And not just the small drop... the projectile spit up.  And so, I'd have to change my pajama top.  It kind of became a routine.  Finally my pajama top was clean and I could wear it!  And 20 minutes later, it was soaked. 

Preston was hard to burp.  It took a little while to figure things out, but I found good tricks to get him to burp and he would hardly ever have the huge spit up.  I would rock him from side to side.  Or lay him on his back for 20-30 seconds and there came the burp!  It was getting really difficult.  I feared so badly that Preston choked on that fateful day.  I had talked to the nanny earlier that day and she had said how he had spit up like crazy that morning.  I was really frustrated because it was happening a lot with her, yet he wasn't doing it at home anymore.  I'd told her our tricks to get him to burp and everything but that morning "he ate so fast that before I knew it, he had gone through the whole bottle".  Preston always needed to burp at least 2 times during a feeding.  It nagged at me after I got off the phone with me, because it felt like she wasn't really paying attention to him.  And then, she left him alone for 30-40 minutes and he was gone.

The coroner assured us that he didn't choke.  There was no trauma.  Yet, because there's no explanation to SIDS or unexplained deaths, it's easy to wonder.  It's easy to think the worse.  I pray to God that he didn't suffer, but I'll never really know.  It's hard to live with.  It's also difficult to live with wanting to blame the nanny, but knowing that I can't and shouldn't because there was no evidence that she did anything wrong.  It just feels wrong.  I don't like to hold grudges, nor do I want to.  Most of the time, I'm able to not think about all this.  Most of the time, I feel like it wasn't her fault... yet I'm not ready to forgive?  And that's a tough situation because God says we have to forgive.  Then again, I'm still mad at God.  Not every day.  But sometimes.

The grieving mind is an interesting one.  Constantly at odds with itself.  Anger vs. peace.  Guilt vs. forgiveness.  Highs and lows.  Intense sadness vs. laughter. 

I hope that one day, I have more days where I feel forgiving.  More days where I'm at peace with what happened, even if I'll never truly understand the reason for it's occurrence.  In the meantime, I smile at my pajamas and my needing to change my top after having changed Preston due to spit up incidences.  I'm proud that I was able to figure out tricks to getting him to burp more easily to make his life a little more comfortable.  I'm proud of my son, for his accomplishments, however few they were.  From eating 10cc (a third of an ounce) per feeding to 5 ounces per feeding.  Proud that he overcame the difficulties he had with burping.  And proud that he left me a memory that can now make me smile.

Touched by an Angel

Day 30 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge already.  Still so many things I am thankful for.  Perhaps I will need to do another challenge at some point.  One thing is certain though - this has been a helpful healing experience.  It has shown me that I have a lot of good in my life.  It's helpful to have that reminder on rough days.

But, I still have day 30 to write about in order to complete the challenge.  On day 30, I'm thankful for Preston.  Perhaps it seems like a re-iteration of my day 1 gratitude - the 16 weeks I had with Preston, but it isn't.

Sometimes the people whom we’ve known for only a short amount of time have a bigger impact on us than those we’ve known forever.
~ Maya Angelou

I've come to know some pretty spectacular people.  Many have made a big impact on my life, whether it be my parents with everything they taught me, my brothers whom I could always rely on, or my husband who provides undying love and support.  Friends who've taught me how to be a better person, doctors who gave me a chance at quality of life, family who's been there through thick and thin.  That little boy I am so honored to call my son, left the biggest impact (no offense meant to anyone).  He showed me pure love.  He showed me the fight he had in him, that same fight I think I have in me.  He showed me true happiness.  He showed me that I was more patient than I thought.  He showed me that I could deal with the unpredictability that life brings, with his early arrival and departure.  He showed me how to share like I've never shared before, and I've always found myself to be pretty generous.  He showed me what perfection looked like.

Perfection doesn't last forever it would appear.  Losing Preston taught me grief and devastation.  But in losing him, I gained a lot of empathy.  I gained a sense of responsibility to spread the word on SIDS and miscarriages, and stillbirth and infant loss of other kinds.  The world seems to tuck away these losses yet, 1 in 4 pregnancies results in miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss.  That is a high number, yet so many suffer in silence.  I will do my best to provide support, and outlets for those who need to share their loss, their experience, their pain, their story, their baby.  I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for Preston.  And don't get me wrong, I would prefer having Preston than being down this road, but if I can help one person, I feel like Preston's helped me accomplish something really meaningful.

I'm wiser than I was a year ago, a few short months prior to meeting Preston for the first time.  I'm certainly not happier, which I should be.  I'm certainly not at peace with what happened, but I feel like the only reason I'm standing is because of who Preston was.  And, that he left part of his heart with me, and took a part of mine.  Forever we will be connected.  Forever I will attempt to make him proud.  Forever I will look forward to seeing him again, and in the meantime, I will do my best to find a new kind of happiness, even if it is stained with bittersweetness.  I will do my best to help others.  I will do my best to share the happiness he was meant to spread around the world.

Thank you for coming into my life little boy.  I wish you could have stayed, but know that even if I knew the outcome wouldn't change and we could do it all again, I would in a heartbeat.  To have known you, changed my life.  To have held you, loved you and cared for you, was the best gift I ever got.

Always thinking

My mind is always going, thinking about this and that.  Thinking about things that need to be done, thinking about things I want to do.  Thinking about solving the latest problem that's arisen, thinking about what to write about.  Thinking about Preston.  And while sometimes, my thoughts could be enough to drive me crazy, I am thankful for the way my mind works.  On day 29 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am grateful for my mind.

I like to feed my mind with knowledge.  I enjoy learning about history, or how to do something new.  I like trying to solve a tough problem.  I like coming up with options.  For example, we once thought we should try to come up with ideas on how to save money.  Brett and I both were to come up with a list of 15 things that could possibly help with savings.  It took several weeks to come up with 15, but I did it, and several things did come handy.  Other things are perhaps more of a pipe dream - selling a craft of some kind on Etsy, selling photographs, or writing a cookbook filled with Crohn's friendly recipes. 

To me, thinking can be fun.  I like keeping my mind challenged.  Perhaps that's one of the reasons I enjoy my job so much.  I work in accounting, and I often have to use math to ensure that we are paying the right amount or to reconcile an account.  Most of the time, the math is really easy, but every now and then, it requires a spreadsheet to figure out.  I love working in Excel, it just makes it so easy and helps me visualize the numbers by having them right there for me to see.  I enjoy being able to find more efficient ways of doing tasks.  My mind really helps me with all that, and I'm so thankful that I can think outside the box.

I've always liked puzzles.  I've done them for as long as I can remember.  Jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, logic problems.  They feed my mind, and I'm thankful that I enjoy them.  Brett's grandmother, Grace was so sharp the whole time I knew her.  She passed away last year at the age of 98.  She watched Wheel of Fortune and was great at solving the puzzles.  She loved crossword puzzles.  We played Scrabble a few times.  She won.  I can only hope that my mind stays as sharp through old age.  Grandma's mind, makes me hopeful that mine can too.

Nonetheless, always having something to think about can be exhausting.  It can also keep you up when you are supposed to be sleeping, or trying to go to sleep.  I am getting better at dealing with this, though I don't know that I'll ever really know how to shut off my mind.  Come to think of it though, I don't think I'd ever want to be able to shut it off.  Well, I take it back, there are days where I've needed to shut it off for my own sanity; to help my heart.  There are nights where I wouldn't have slept if it wasn't for Xanax or Ativan.  Some of those nights were in the hospital when I was really ill, others were after we lost Preston. 

When I was ill in the hospital, I was basically glued to a bed for 7-10 days.  Once the obstructions cleared and narcotics were no longer needed to help numb the physical pain, it was hard to be with my thoughts, staring at the wall all day.  Thinking about what I'd done wrong... what I'd done wrong to "deserve" Crohn's disease.  Thinking about how I really should have taken my meds when I thought I was fine and didn't need them.  Thinking about how surgery was pretty much impending it's doom on my life.  However, my thoughts also allowed me to make peace with needing surgery.  My mind helped me realize that it was the only way to regain quality of life.  It also helped me banish stress from my life.

After losing Preston, nighttime was very difficult.  I had started going to bed earlier since Preston was sleeping more and not waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning.  I had started being able to go to bed at 10:30 or 11.  The evening was ours.  I would feed him when I got home from work, and then we'd play a little and he'd take a nap, and then we'd do it one more time before bedtime.  Having that routine ripped away from me without warning was difficult.  It was a tough adjustment.  I spent every minute of every evening thinking about what I should be doing.  I spent hours reading quotes about loss, trying to find something to understand.  A reason.  But, there was no reason, and while it took awhile to realize, my mind helped me figure out something my heart will never understand.

There are days where my heart is stronger than my mind.  Days where I need to search for a reason for why this happened.  Days where I need to blame everything and nothing.  Days where I need to be mad.  Days where I need to cry.  Days where I feel guilty.  And because of my mind, I've learned that I have to let my heart take over sometimes.  And I'm ok with that.

I'm thankful for my mind, because it will help me keep Preston at the forefront of my mind for the rest of my life.  And while sometimes that will create some sadness, his presence in my life has made me a better person and that too, is something to be thankful for.

Doing puzzles at age 2 with my cousins.  I'm the one in blue that's cut-off in the picture (on the left)

Cheesy goodness

I can't go without acknowledging what today is.  September 19th, marks the day Preston would have turned 10 months old.  I don't know that we would have celebrated this day in a grandiose fashion if he had been here.  Probably would have wished him a happy 10 months and taken some pictures, but that's probably it.  When the 19th comes around each month, it's difficult not to think about what Preston would be like today, at that age.  What he would be doing.  On the verge of taking his first steps? Babbling trying to say a couple words?  How big would he be? 15, 16 pounds?  He was 11 lbs, 3 oz the last time I held him.

Despite today being what it is, the day was manageable.  This is going to sound so odd, but there was a moth of the train this morning, and it flew to the bench in front of where I sat, and turned around and looked at me for a couple seconds.  Totally weird right?  Later, about halfway through the ride, this bird kept following the train.  Followed us for a couple stations.  And as I was getting on the elevator, listening to one last song on Pandora before starting my workday... the song took forever to load.  I was actually about to shut down the app.. but Iris came on, just when I was about to.  I don't associate moths or birds with Preston.  But these odd things plus Iris coming on, today, on a day where I'd give absolutely anything for signs from my baby boy, because that's all I've got... these weren't just coincidences.  Signs.  Serendipity because I've got an open heart.

Also making my day easier, my angel mom friends who wrote nice messages to me today.  Telling me they are thinking of me, and Preston.  Wishing me and my husband a gentle day.  Telling me how much they love to see Preston's smile in pictures and that they are thankful that I have shared him with them.  This really warmed up my heart.  It made my day, that much easier to go through.  Thank you ladies, from the bottom of my heart.

Lastly, looking forward to dinner, has made today a little easier.  On day 28, I am thankful for pizza.  Call me crazy for being thankful for such a trivial thing.  For something not so healthy.  I've touched on this a bit last month, but I will explain again.  A fellow angel mom, Krystal, honors her twin boys gone too soon, by celebrating them on every 10th.  Last month she had ordered orange juice which she craved while pregnant with Conner and Benjamin, even though it's something she really can't stand.  It inspired me to have pizza every 19th of the month.  You see, when I was pregnant with Preston and would eat pizza, he would have a party in my belly, moving more than usual.  It was one of the coolest feelings and something I will remember forever.  I love pizza, but my goal is now to limit myself to only having it on the 19th though there's not too much I can do if we are invited somewhere and pizza is served, or if I come home to pizza having been ordered.  Regardless, I will do my best to keep pizza for the 19th, to celebrate my little boy.

We also watched the Avengers tonight, which I hadn't seen.  I rather enjoyed it.  Nice way to end the week, the day, the "month".  Good way to celebrate Preston, by spending the night, just me and Brett. 

Every day is special to someone out there.  Every day, it's someone's birthday, someone's anniversary.  Every day, someone has something to celebrate - successes, graduations, victories.  Sometimes the celebration is bittersweet, like celebrating the life of a loved one who's had a long life.  Every 13th is difficult for me.  Every 19th has the potential to being difficult for me, but this new ritual of pizza, cheesy delicious goodness, helps me celebrate my son's life instead of grieving it like I do every day.  To you angel mamas who have those particularly difficult days every month, I pray that time helps make the days easier.  I pray that you find peace on those days, that those days are kind to you.  I pray, that if it's possible, you find a small way to celebrate your baby, and that it helps you heal, the way pizza has worked for me.  I sound ridiculous don't I?  Pizza heals the soul!

Heaven promises to be a happy place, where there is no more pain, or sadness.  There is no grief or tears.  Is there a party every day?  If so, I hope that today, there was a little party for Preston.  Perhaps he took his first steps on a puffy cloud and giggled.  I hope he is surrounded by loved ones.  I hope, somehow someway, Heaven can read my message, and give my baby a kiss for me.  Mama loves you sweetie pie.

Too pretty not to share.  Or tree is quickly turning gold.

Shining brightly up above

On day 27 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am grateful for the stars.  They shine in the darkness that is night.  They remind us of how large the universe really is.  And there's always a chance you just might see a shooting star to make a wish upon.

How peaceful is a night of star gazing?  Little sparkles of light.  Friends of the moon.  Another marvelous wonder to look at.  I read on another blog that there will be a blood moon soon.  Actually, I just looked it up and it should be on October 7th or 8th.  I don't recall seeing a blood moon.  Sounds like a perfect night to get my camera out.  I don't think I've taken it out since we lost Preston.  All the pictures I've shared were either taken with my phone or pictures I already had taken.  Sounds silly that I haven't touched my camera right?  Last picture I took with it was of my son.  I haven't really wanted to use it since, but there is so much beauty to be captured out there.  I've been thinking about taking an online class on how to take better pictures, or something like that.  I see so many beautiful pictures taken by friends.  I wish I could take some breathlessly dazzling pictures.

I read this quote one night when I was first grieving.  Somehow reading quotes about infant loss and grief was helpful even though it was awfully painful to read.  This one stuck with me:

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy

 This quote has stayed with me since those first couple weeks, and while I don't gaze at the stars often, while I know it isn't true thanks to science.  While I can't fathom there's any truth in this hopeful quote, it provides comfort nonetheless and I just can't help thinking Preston is giving me a smile when I see the shiniest of stars in the night sky.

Serendipidy

I went shopping this weekend.  I enjoy getting a few new items for my wardrobe when a new season rolls around.  I also need new shoes.  Caveat?  I dislike shoe shopping. Oh so much!  You know that little known fact that all women love shoes?  Not for this one.  I think it probably stems from having such a hard time finding shows that fit.  My feet are odd.  They're small, but they are wide.  I also can't stand to have anything between my toes, so those shoes that have the toe separator, drive me nuts.  When I finally find something cute, it's not wide enough for my foot.  It's really frustrating.  But I needed shoes, so I tried on several pairs.  Didn't find anything that fit, or that I liked.  Looked at boots too, because I need a pair of winter boots.  I found this cute little pair, and figured, why not, try them on.  So I looked for the right box.  Well, when I found the box for the corresponding boots and saw the name.. I just knew I'd be buying them.  Like fate, they fix like a glove.

 

So on day 26 of my 30 days of gratitudes challenge, I am grateful for serendipity.  Thankful for flukes, and coincidences that happen to us throughout the course of our days.  The happy accidents of fate. 

 

Serendipity is around us and sometimes we are just too involved in our every day lives to notice.  Funny that I had a thought today at work.  Slow down.  Slow down to avoid the mistakes.  Slow down to take notice.  This is something I think we all could do a little more of every day.  Brett and I went to Lowes a week ago to buy something to cover the garden with this snow was in the forecast.  As we exited the garden center, a noise caught my attention, so I turned around to see a great horned owl.  How majestic!  I had never seen one.  The pictures aren't great because it was hard to get close to the owl, but it was still such a strange thing to see at the hardware store!  Yet, it felt like such a blessing to see something so magnificent.  It's wing span was so huge.  I'm thankful for the chance sighting!

 

I promise myself to slow down more often for the off chance of stumbling into something amazing.  Something that makes me feel blessed to be alive.  Something that makes me feel awe at our amazing world.  Our world is filled with wonders and we don't even notice.  Don't let the amazing things pass you by, you just never know, when they will be gone forever.  Preston was one of those wonders and I am fortuitous to be able to call myself his mama.  The wonderment of seeing him again one day is limited to the kingdom of Heaven.  In the meantime, I will rejoice in the serendipity around me... they might all just be signs from my son saying "look mama, isn't the world beautiful?"

Vacation Time

On day 25 of my 30 days of gratitudes, I am thankful for vacations.  As I bittersweetly look forward to two upcoming vacations, I am reminded of how thankful I am for them.  Vacation means family time, and is there really anything better?  Vacation means relaxation, something we all could use a little more of.  Vacations mean fun, and that is definitely something I need more of.

I have fond memories of going to my grandmere's fishing cottage when I was young.  She and her husband had built it themselves.  It was 7 hours north of Montreal, so quite the trek, but we always stopped in Quebec City to pick up my grandmere.  I remember this one year, we rented a red van.  That was probably the most fun trip.  Or maybe I was just too young and my 4ish trips are just all blending in together.

The cottage was in the most remote location you can imagine.  The only way to get there was by (motor) boat.  The closest neighbor?  I couldn't even tell you, but it was probably a 2-3 minute boat ride away.  I enjoyed walking along the shore, finding nifty looking rocks of all colors.  I adored the strolls in the wood with my grandmere's, and eventually our dog, Fifine.  I fancied picking (and eating) fresh raspberries.  The place was so rustic.  Wood burning stove.  Gas appliances.  Bunk beds.  No TVs.  No telephones.  Can you even imagine?  With this being the age of the smart phone?  Probably not right??  We played a lot of board games, and had silly fun like kids do.  I remember having the bright idea of putting our clothes over our pajamas after being told we had to go put them on.  Don't let my brothers tell you otherwise, it was my idea ;)

Could we be more 80s??

 

Those vacations to our fishing cottage are definitely the most memorable ones I had as a kid.  After my grandmere passed, the cottage eventually had to be sold, because of it's lack of proximity for maintenance and what have you.  It was sad leaving the cottage for the last time.  It felt like my last link to my grandmere was going away.  But I'm now reminded that I will forever have these memories.  Memories of doing puzzles with her, and playing penny poker.  And watching her fish.  She was awesome and oh so unique!

 

As an adult, I probably have a couple vacations to pick from that were memorable in their own ways.  Going to Hawaii with Brett was amazing.  I've never seen so much beauty all in one place.  The most colorful plants you can imagine.  The best beaches where the sand doesn't burn your feet.  The most amazing snorkeling experience minus my trying to drown Brett - not on purpose of course.  I'm a good swimmer, but the first time I was in the ocean was rather unnerving.  I was blessed to spend part of my honeymoon in Hawaii and have gone back another time.

 

 

Then there was the trip to Mexico for our friends Charles and Kate's wedding.  I was blessed to see my husband officiate his best friends' wedding.  Hurray for being able to get ordained online.  Thanks for the idea Joey! A few will get this ;).  And what a beautiful scene to be married!  The wedding was beautiful, the speeches were moving, and the whole trip was just fun.  To be able to enjoy the fun with friends was invaluable.  Visiting the Mayan ruins which I'd dreamed of since being a kid thanks to "Les Mysterieuses Citees D'or" (The Mysterious Cities of Gold), was breathtaking.  I only wish it hadn't been so darn hot of a day!  It still was fun, and Brett sure enjoyed the Corona's after the visit.  Playing volleyball on the beach.. I don't think I ever had so much fun playing a sport.  Not needing to be afraid to dive for the ball.  Oh, I wish I was back there now!  And I must admit, the all inclusive package was the best idea ever.  Free booze whenever you want (ok - just need to tip).  I'm not a big drinker.  Never have been.  Never could be thanks to my friend Crohn's disease.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  The mojitos... yum!! They were so delicious and went down so easy!  I have a glass of wine at my in-laws who live at an elevation of about 9000 feet, and I need an immediate nap.

 

 

 

But, my favorite vacation, has to be the road trip we took in 2013.  Denver to Washington D.C. to New York to Montreal to Chicago to Denver.  We had a few pit stops in between but we did the whole trip in 10 days, I memory serves.  The best part, it was a vacation we took with Preston.  He wasn't born yet, but he was with us.  He travelled well.  The nausea had just about subsided, as had the fatigue.  Minus maybe one meal that didn't sit, the whole trip was flawless.  I got to see parts of the U.S. that I had never seen.  Driving through parts of Pennsylvania, Delaware and West Virginia were the most beautiful.  Just so luscious.  The hills, the green, the fog.  Just breathtaking!  I really enjoyed Washington DC.  What a beautifully up kept city.  Beautiful flowers on the sidewalk.  Seeing the White House was pretty cool too.  We saw a baseball game while there - Cubs vs Nationals.  Very industrial feel to Nationals Park.  In New York, I guess it was a little surreal being there without the twin towers.  I had been in '99 before the tragedies of 9/11.  We visited the unfinished site of the Freedom Tower.  We tried to visit the Statue of Liberty, but Liberty Island was closed due to the damages caused by Hurricane Sandy.  We went to Brooklyn with our friend Jimmy, who resides in New York, for dinner.  I'd never been to Brooklyn, so that was really fun.  I'd have loved to have the delicious steak they had, but there's something that's just not super appealing about well done steak. 

 I believe the name of the place was Peter Luger Steakhouse.  Totally recommend it.

In Montreal, we got to see friends and family, and announce to everyone that Preston was on his way.  Of course, we didn't know at the time that Preston was Preston, but nonetheless, everyone was so excited for us, especially given our recent struggles of a miscarriage and my health issues.  We ate at my nephew's favorite restaurant, Maddison's I believe.  I think another steakhouse.  A salad was enjoyed by me, again.  Hey, I was a happy camper.  Salads had been out of my diet for over a decade!  We enjoyed a bit of time with my family before departing for Chicago.  Chicago was cool.  Chicago is Brett's hometown so it was really cool to visit it.  We saw two Cubs games, ate some good food.  Wrigley Field was absolutely fun.  I am glad to have been there before the upcoming changes that are going to happen.  Such history to the field, to the park.  You can feel that history.  And what loyal fans.  To lose for 100 years plus and continue having such loyal fans!  Says a lot about people from Chicago.

Preston may not have known it, but he would have been a Cubs fan.  He was all geared up for the 2014 season, but never was able to enjoy it... well I guess we never got to enjoy it with him.  It would have been nice to have him with us at the Rockies' game tonight.  It would have been great to see his reactions to the sounds and smells of the ballpark.  Hopefully, he was there with us in spirit. :)

Upcoming vacations to New York and Montreal with a small detour to Cooperstown in October.  Vacation (well for me - Brett will be working) in Vegas in November.  Vacations are family time.  Vacations are rejuvenating.  I will need that leading up to Preston's birthday, and the following Holiday season.  It feels wrong to have vacations without him, but everything feels wrong without him.  I'll feel guilty leaving his urn at home, and I'll probably struggle with it, but hopefully, the back to back trips, make it just a little easier.  I hope that the family time is good for our souls.  I hope that the me time I have in Vegas (here I come spa!) is just what I need to give me peace and strength to get through the rest of this dreadful year.

The Sound of Music

Music has spoken to me for a long time.  It's always helped me but my own emotions into words, even if just in my mind.  It helped me connect with certain situations.  I suppose, the lyrics speak to me as much as the music itself, if not more.  I love a good piano melody, but also enjoy some good ol' rock n roll. 

 

On day 24, I am thankful for music, and lyrics.  I couldn't listen to music for a couple months after losing Preston.  Every song that would come on reminded me of my loss, and I didn't need any additional agony while driving.  It's hard to be in your own dark thoughts while driving.  Never mind that it can be dangerous - but I always made sure I was being safe and never went far.  Every time I tried to turn on the radio, there was "Tears in Heaven" or "One Sweet Day".  I just couldn't deal with it.

 

With time, and a lot of tears, I was able to begin to listen to music again.  Depending on my frame of mind on any given day, there are days that I just can't deal with a certain type of songs, or specific songs.  But there are days, where the pain of the lyrics is soothing.  You just have to release those emotions sometimes - whether it's sadness, anger or fear.  Of even if it is a needed moment of cheer, or needing to feel upbeat.  Grief is always associated with deep sadness that people forget that grieving people need some moments of reprieve to feel some happiness, laugh and smile.  And that's totally normal.  Drop the stigma of needing to feel sad all. the. time.  There's no dishonor in feeling happiness.  There's no offense is dropping a smile here and there.  It is not scandalous to laugh.  You may feel guilt afterwards, and hey, that's "normal" too.  I don't like the word normal, but I think it's the best way to describe it.  I've found ways to smile every day.  I know I laughed a little within a few days of Preston passing, and yes, I felt guilty, but in order for my mind to remain sane, these are things I've had to do.

 

But back to music/lyrics.  There are just so many, and I know they aren't meant to mean what I interpret them to mean, but it is what it is.  And if it makes me feel - better, worse, cry, laugh, happy, sad - what's the difference?  10 people could listen to the same song, and each would take something different out of it.

 

From Breaking the Habit

I don't want to be the one,  The battles always choose

I really feel like life keeps picking on me, and I feel like I'm done battling.

Pretty much the whole of Boulevard of Broken Dreams speaks to me as does, Wake me up when September Ends.  Feel free to replace September with any given day, month, year.

From Here Without You
A hundred days have made me older, since the last time that I saw your pretty face
I don't think that needs explanation to relate to my situation

From If Today Was Your Last Day
Each day's a gift and not a given right, leave no stone unturned, leave your fear behind, and try to take the path less traveled by

I think losing Preston has certainly given me a new appreciation for life.  I don't think it's a lesson that needed to be learned.  I tried to live life honestly, kindly before, and I don't wish to find such a "reason" for Preston's passing.  But, I feel like I'm definitely trying to use my grief to find and spread happiness, positivity.

 

These are just some songs I heard today, and I'm sure you'll continue hearing me mention songs, or lyrics.  I truly have a great appreciation for them. 

 

It feels fitting to end with this song as it appropriately describes my feelings:

 

Christina Perry's A Thousand Years
 

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

 I have died every day
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

 Time stands still
beauty in all (s)he is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

 I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died every day
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

 

Mama loves you always Preston. In my heart - always.

 



The one Concert in the Park we saw this summer.  It was a fun medley of '80s music :)

Are we there yet?

 

 

There's some comfort to be found in knowing that Heaven waits for us, once our time has come.  How many loved ones will we get to see again?  At the same time, there are so many unanswered questions that surround Heaven.  What will we look like? How old will we be?   Do we ascend to Heaven right away, or does our soul have to fulfill all it's purposes on Earth first?

 

On day 23 of my 30 days of gratitudes, I am thankful for Heaven.  I am thankful, because it means that one day, I will get to see Preston again.  No offense meant to anyone else who is up there waiting for me, but I long to see, and hold my baby again, if those are things that can be done in Heaven.  Is Heaven filled with blooming flowers? Or does it sit on the clouds like I've always imagined?  Do angels really have feathered wings of pure white?  Do we all individually get to meet God? 

 

I learned young about eternal life that is given to us through the Holy Spirit and ascension to Heaven.  I never really looked forward to it.  I never understood it.  I still don't understand it.  Maybe that's the point.  The unanswered questions keep us wondering.  Maybe Heaven is what each of us individually hopes for.  

I don't think it's normal to look forward to going to Heaven, but I really do.  I'm not saying that I'd do anything to help it along, but, I won't be sad to see that day come.  A new beginning.  A life with my son.  A life uninterrupted by death and separation.

In the meantime, I hope Preston is surrounded my loved ones.  His great grandparents, most of which I never met myself.  Friends his age, like Conner, Benjamin, Silas and Baylee.  Perhaps he's the angel of happiness teaching other angels how to spread happiness, and bring it forth to their families down on Earth.  One day, we will find out.  One day, we will feel true peacefulness.

The lyrics from Nickelback's If Everyone Cared come to mind:

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

Maybe, that really is what Heaven brings :)

 

Tokens

 

I received the above necklace the day after mother's day.  A gift from my aunt Jocelyn, uncle Burnell, and their daughters, Alicia, Natalie and Valerie, and their significant others, Martin, Marty and James.  I was so touched.  A diamond crusted P for Preston.  A little foot.  An angel wing.  A gold heart.  And his birthstone, my birthstone, Brett's birthstone - topaz.  I wear it every day.  And when I don't, I feel guilty the second I forget to wear it because it's such a precious homage to my son.  It makes me feel close to him.  Forgetting to wear it because I was in a rush that morning, or too tired, makes me feel like I momentarily have forgotten my son.

It's not because we don't think about our children every moment of every day, that we don't love them. Not thinking about certain things during certain moments does not mean we have forgotten.  Sometimes we are busy.  Sometimes we are tired.  Sometimes we are concentrating.  We are human, and our minds wander some times, and I often need to stop and remind myself of that.  Forgetting to wear my necklace certain days, allows me to slow down and remember that.

On day 22 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, on the 6 month mark of losing my son, I am thankful for all the tokens that we have to remember him.  That we have to honor him.  I'm so incredibly thankful for the necklace I received from my family.  What a moving gesture on their part to pick things that are such tributes to Preston, and what he means to us.  It also gives me the opportunity to bring up my son if someone asks about my necklace and it's significance.  It's only happened once, and I really tried not to traumatize the lady who asked me.  Hopefully I kept my composure and I didn't ruin her day with my sad story.

On December 23rd, we took a handprint and footprint from Preston which we molded into a Christmas ornaments - one for my parents, one for Brett's parents, and one for us.  We have his footprints from when he was born... and the coroner did something so touching - not that I can bear to look at them.  She made 2 moldings - of his little hands and precious feet.  The moldings are in a heart shape, have little bears clued to it, along with the PAIL (Pregnancy and Infant Loss) awareness ribbon which is half baby blue and half pink.  One day, maybe we'll be able to hang them up?  I lose it anytime I open the boxes they are in.  They sit on his dresser for now, along with all his books and other things... terrible that I don't know.. but I really don't go into his room very often.

The funeral home took clippings of his hair before he was cremated.  They are in a little bag, along with several cards we received on the day of his funeral and the book that everyone signed to give us their condolences.  I've read everything once.. a few days after the funeral.  Everything that was said was so kind, thoughtful and touching, and I'm sorry that I haven't sent out thank you letters.  I just haven't had the heart to write them all because it'll mean thinking about the sadness for hours.  Being sad for hours is really hard, and makes it harder to get out of the downward spiral.  I hope you understand.  I hope you know how thankful we are that you were there.  How thankful we are to have all of you in our lives, supporting us, thinking of us, keeping us in your prayers.

I have a few other tokens.  A nice necklace from our friend Glenner and his wife Janet.  It's in the shape of a tear, and it came with a poem - no tears in heaven.  I also have a charm bracelet.  I have two Preston tokens.  A gold binky that Brett gave to me when Preston was born (it was my first charm).  And an angel wing with a pearl from my parents.  How I wish my baby boy wasn't a real angel.  He was an angel on Earth, and I wish that he could have stayed longer.  How short 16 weeks is.  I heard the song "Heaven is a Place on Earth" today... I would search day and night, 24 hours a day to find it if that were true. 

Grief is such a true roller coaster.  Good one moment, broken the next.  Does that show sometimes in my posts?  I never set out to have a negative blog entry, or a sad blog entry.  My goal is really to share my son, and help others through their grief.  Help others appreciate their life, or help them through a tough time.  Share my little guy's smile, in hopes of spreading some happiness around the world.  Share my feelings to let it out, and find some relief.  I appreciate everyone who allows me to do that.  It really is a true gift to me.