Winter. As a child, it meant hours of playing in the snow, building forts and snowmen. Sliding down the hill at Alexander Park and even skiing. As a teenager, and young adult, winter started being a definition for cold, shoveling, and removing snow from the car. Last year, winter was perfection. I had my son. I'd feed him as I watched TV by the fireplace. We went for a few strolls on the warmest winter days. We watched the snow fall by the patio window. I both look forward to winter and dread it's arrival. I imagine that I will feel closest to Preston - like when we had that snow storm on Mother's Day. But I shudder at the thought of Christmas. It's always been my favorite holiday... and now I don't even want to decorate.
He was born toward the end of Fall, but should have been born close to the start of Winter. He passed away in Winter, days away from Spring. I've viewed Fall as my favorite season for a long time, and part of me wants Winter to be my new favorite season, despite the cold weather, which I won't lie, isn't my preference when it comes to weather. It may forever remain a tug of war in my mind. Fall or Winter. Colors like Preston loved, but white like the purity that radiated from his being. The season he was born in, or the season he knew most.
Whatever season comes around, I think I will always have conflicting emotions regarding each. Spring - Feelings of relief for the renewal of life that occurs during this time of year but sadness that Preston never got to know Spring. Summer - Broken dreams of taking my son to the pool, and playing in the grass, but happiness for all the sunlight and outdoor activities like gardening. Fall - Peacefulness from the falling leaves, changing colors and the smell of fireplaces coming on for the first time but struggle because every year, I should be celebrating my son's birthday. Winter - Sadness that I can't see my son's face after Santa Claus has stopped by, but closeness to my son.
Hopefully, with time, I am able to find ways to make the change of seasons more bearable. Concentrate on the goodness of each month. Find the positives to associate each month with Preston, even if he never knew some of them. Welcome the switch with open arms, rather than anticipate the worse. Find happiness, because that is what Preston would want me to do.
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