Fog

I've come to know that there are many stages of grief (though there is no set "path" for grief): Anger, shock/denial, guilt, depression/feeling alone, acceptance/hope, need to help/need to share.  There are probably many more stages.  Everyone deals with grief differently and whatever way you deal with your grief - it's ok!  There's no set path.  You don't have to go through anger, shock and depression.  You can go from anger to guilt and back to anger.  You can go from depression to hope to anger. 

Last night I found myself asking this question...am I still in that fog phase?  Is my brain still in "protection mode"?  Does my brain somehow sometimes pretend like we're living a life before Preston was born?  I know I was initially in shock, for a few weeks... Those weeks are definitely blurry.  I remember the day he passed.  Every time I think of it, it's like being stabbed by a sharp knife - only worse.  I remember going to the funeral home to plan his memorial and make a decision regarding burial or cremation... But at the same time, everything is so blurry.  This isn't right.  These aren't decisions or emotions anyone should have to feel.

Yet, it's reality.  A lot of people go through this.  Miscarriages occur more often than anyone realizes.  Stillbirths are unfortunately still a very common thing.  And while SIDS is rare, it still happens often enough that it should be a real concern for our society - yet how often do you hear about such stories?  They are often kept hush-hush, because the loss of a child is that horrible.  Unfortunately that means a lot of people are left trying to deal with this grief alone.  They are expected to "move on" when really, losing your baby is not something you can get over.  Other children will not replace the child you lost.  Time will help, but it will never completely heal this giant wound.  And quite honestly, no my baby is not in a better place - my baby was in a perfect place with his mama and daddy.  Yet, these are comments that are often made to grieving parents.  If you aren't sure what to say, just offer a shoulder to lean on and open your heart to them and listen.  They probably have things to share (feelings, stories, etc.).  Don't judge - remember, everyone grieves differently and all grieving parents deal with guilt.  We place enough blame on ourselves.

My husband and I are blessed in the sense that we haven't had to deal with too much of that.  We've got a wonderful support system.  So, thank you, if you are part of our support group.  You know who you are.

Going back to the fog - for me it's gone hand in hand with guilt.  How can I smile every day?  Why aren't I totally broken into a million pieces?  What's wrong with me?  I think about Preston every day, and I know he's gone.  I'm certainly not in denial.  Why does it feel like I'm not reacting normally?

Vicious circle right?  I bet you can imagine from those few questions how easy it can be to drive yourself crazy with guilt.  I've had days where those questions just came one after the other.

So really, how I am able to smile every day?  I got to know this perfect little person called Preston.  I got to teach him things and got to make him smile.  I got 16 wonderful weeks with him, even if some of them were scary.  He didn't get as many milestones as he would have if he was still here, but I was so proud of my boy.  So, that makes me smile.  Remembering, seeing his pictures, watching his videos (when I can).  Seeing things around the house that remind me of him, or getting "signs" if you believe in those.

I smile because I truly believe he would want me to.  I smile to honor his short life and his memory.  I hope you will smile too as you read my story.  Perhaps you will cry too, and that's ok.  You aren't alone ;)

Really, how can you not smile at that little face?