This and that...

Where does the time go.  Every time I want to sit down and write, something comes up or it's time for bed!  Tonight, while every inch of me wants to just sit and watch General Hospital where interesting things are happening (yay November sweeps!), I am taking the time to write.  For myself, for Preston, and for anyone who might get something out of this.

The Nursery

Samantha's room has been coming along nicely.  The wall painting is complete and I love the way the light lilac color looks next to the baby blue wall.  I'm even more excited that hubby ended up liking the lighter lilac color like I did... mostly because of it's name -- Guardian Angel.  Doesn't that seem so appropriate?  We moved the crib from the left side of the room to the right side of the room just to give it a different feel.  I'm starting to look forward to spending a lot of time in there.  The door to her and Preston's room has been open for weeks now, and it feels nice.  It feels like a happy room again.

The one disappointment has been that the decal stars and moon aren't sticking to the wall very well.  We even tried to get them to adhere to the wall better using a hot iron.  Time to get some spray adhesive me thinks...

Approaching 34-35 weeks

We believe Preston was born at about 35 weeks, if not 34 weeks, despite what the doctors say.  I will be 34 weeks along with Samantha tomorrow.  That realization has been weighing on my mind for the past couple weeks.  I try to remain calm as everything seems to be going well, however it's still scary.  The sight of possible swelling freaks me out.  Hearing someone tell me that there was "no way" I was making it all the way to December 24th, sent me for a tailspin.  What not to say to a grieving mama, to a mama who had preeclampsia and who had a baby too early?  That.  That is a great example of what not to say.

I have an appointment with my OB this Friday, so I hope that will help calm my nerves.  I'm not panicking or anything, but it's constantly at the back of my mind.  I try to remain positive.  Really, I just want things to be okay and normal.  For once.

Preston's birthday and #SpreadHappinessForPreston

I can't believe my baby would be 2 years old in just about a week.  I feel like I haven't pushed #SpreadHappinessForPreston enough this year.  Last year, I wrote to the Ellen show.  Last year, I physically mailed a letter to everyone that lives on my street, it's tributary streets and the street across from the greenbelt behind our house.  I didn't do it this year, even though I had the intention to.

I thought of writing to the local newspaper to share my story, Preston's story, his smile and his message.  

In my heart, I've hoped that #SpreadHappinessForPreston becomes bigger every year.  I don't know that it will be and I only have myself to blame.  I hope mama didn't disappoint you baby boy.

Signs

Signs from Preston aren't as frequent as they once were.  I see the occasional bunny.  Rainbows are rare.  I was on the train last week.  Upset due to the fact that someone thought I wouldn't make it to Christmas Eve.  I've gained about 20-25 lbs.  I'm not huge by any means, so I'm not sure why this was said to me (not that I have any qualms about my weight or anything).

Well I turned on Pandora and accidentally hit the "Shuffle" bar and there it was... Iris.  I just about cried... and I did feel better and smiled

I tell you, signs exist.

Halloween

For the second year in a row, I didn't quite know what to expect with this holiday.  I'd been looking forward to it so much last year, wanting to see my little boy as a cute lion.  I expected a lot more children to stop by on Halloween since it was a weekend day.  Maybe a total of 45 kids stopped by, most of them in droves of about 10.  I feel like I hardly had a chance to see their costumes.  My favorite?  I can't even remember.

Brett and I thought of Preston that evening.  We wondered what costume we might have put him in this year.  I think we landed on a bear cub.  Seems fitting given that was the theme of his nursery was teddy bears.

I was able to capture a beautiful sunset before the children started ringing the doorbell.  Golden clouds above barren trees.  The calm and cool air felt peaceful and made me feel close to my son.

The zoo

The weekend before Halloween, we went to the zoo with our close friends and their two children.  It's something I'd wanted to do with Preston at some point, especially knowing his love for big cats.  He seemed so enthralled as he watched them on TV in the morning with his dad.

It was packed at the zoo.  I guess it was a special day where you could bring your child in costume and they could trick or treat in the zoo.  Cool concept.  I enjoyed watching our friends' two year old marvel at some of the animals.  And while I struggled seeing some of the animals I think would have interested Preston, I feel like he followed us there and spent the way with us.  On the way home, we stopped at BabiesRUs and bought a bunch of clothes for Samantha, as well as decorations for her room.  It was a nice family day.

On a side note, if you haven't gotten a chance to go to the Denver Zoo lately, I strongly recommend going while the Lego exhibits are still scattered around the zoo.  They are stunning sculptures.  I believe this is a travelling exhibit, so if you aren't in Denver, hopefully it comes to a zoo near you! ;)

That's about all that's going on with me.  I hope that everyone who reads this is well.  Sending you lots of love, courage, and smiles.  Until next time <3

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 31 - Sunset

Day 31 - Sunset

I really like that this project started with a sunrise, and ends on a sunset.  I really love watching both as much as possible every day.  I find it interesting that when this project began, I'd be getting to the train station as the sun was rising.  Now it is rising as I get into the office, a good hour later.  We will however be "falling back" this weekend, which will give me another month to admire the sunrises.

This has been a good experience, and interesting journey, both for my mind and soul.  It's been interesting to read the different takes people have on these subjects - how it makes them feel, what it makes them think about.  Today, around the world, people are sharing the sunset they saw today, or on another special day and I feel connected to this community of parents who have loved and lost like me.  I feel so much empathy for their losses, story after story.  As this project has helped me, I hope that it has helped others as well.  Not only the people who participated in the project, but the ones that read along as their friends, family members, or pure strangers posted their pictures, and captions.

This project has inspired me to try to find another healing project to focus on.  One that can be shared with other grieving individuals.  I did the 30 days of gratitude project, and that was really special for me.  I just did the #CaptureYourGrief project, which was another helpful healing journey.  I will brainstorm, and find something.

As the sun set today, as we awaited children to come trick-or-treating, I am thankful that we decided to hand out candy.  It was a last minute decision as I didn't really think I'd feel like celebrating, or seeing all the kids, when mine should also be dressed up.  I really could have been deterred earlier today when I saw a little boy dressed like a lion, Preston's costume which remains hanging in his closet.  We gave out candy today for under-privileged kids as we do every year for the Hope Center in Denver.  It made me feel good to hear the children laughing, and having a good time.  Especially these kids that struggle in some aspect of their life, for no fault of their own.  And it made me thankful that yesterday, my hubby asked me to go buy candy on my way home from work.  It hasn't been the busiest Halloween since we've moved in, but I'd say a good 50 kids must have come by so far.  

Halloween is a day for children.  Originally though, it was a day dedicated to remembering those who have passed.  The day to ward off death, mock it.  Be whimsy.  Be playful and witty.  Death can be so devastating, and it is nice to see that while this day is so highly commercialized like most holidays nowadays, the essence of this day is still there.  Don't let death take over your life.  Laugh at it.  Have fun at it expense.  I'm not saying that death is a laughing matter, but today has made me realize that there's no use in letting death win.  Life doesn't stop, even if you want it to.  Live your life to the best of your ability.  Make the most of it.  Smile, make others smile.  And sometimes, it can be as easy as giving a piece of candy to a little girl or boy.