Fatal Crash

The reality that tragedy can strike at any moment, and affect anyone hit me again today.  This morning, just outside our home, a fatal car accident occurred.  A young girl, student of the high school right by our house died.  So close to home, that I can see the memorial spot they made for her from my patio door - flowers, teddy bears and countless people stopping by to pay their respects.  I saw one of the news reports happen live.  This is just too real...

It saddens me.  I feel for her parents.  I know the pain of child all too well.  It's cruel and unbearable.  Unimaginable, not that I'd ever want anyone to share or imagine this pain.  My only hope is that she didn't feel a thing and that it was instant.

I'm in so much pain and I'm reliving my own experience of finding out what happened to Preston.  I can put myself in her parents' shoes and my heart breaks all over again.  For myself, for my family, for those who have lost and for this new family joining the club that no one ever wants to be a part of.  I pray that they find support and a path of healing that is not destructive.

As you pray for her soul and her family, I want to take this time to say:

Slow down...

In all sense of the words - slow down...

Our lives are so fast paced.  There's always so much to do and it always feels like we are rushed.  I know that sometimes we can't help the flow of life.  I know all too well, as my work is very fast paced and I don't even see the work day go by.  I know it all too well, as I get home and have what seems like limited time to spend with Samantha since she goes to bed so early now.  And then there's dinner, and dishes, and cleaning up, etc.

That being said, slow down where you can.  I think this kind of goes back to one of my first posts (Take Control) where I talked about controlling what you can in life - and try to let go of what you can't.  Easier said than done, but it's good to try!

Slow down when you drive.  I detest being late, but really going a little faster will save you what? In the grand scheme of things, a minute or two - maybe as much as 5?  Is that worth it?  Why not slow down and enjoy the song on the radio a little longer?

Slow down at home with your family.  Enjoy the precious time that you have with each other.  This tragedy is a testament to us needing to slow down and appreciate what we have - our loved ones.  I've tried so hard to take in every moment that I can with Samantha.  I feel somewhat accomplished in that area.  I'm amazed that she's already 9 months, but at the same time, I don't feel like it's flown by.  And hopefully, that's a sign that I'm savoring the moments and enjoying them for what they are.  Cherished moments.

Slow down, and do something for yourself.  Why not take a day off and go to the spa, or on a shopping spree?  Why not go see a movie with your significant other?  Why not, just hug your child for half an hour after they fall asleep.

Life is filled with fleeting moments.  Appreciate them.  Savor them.  Take them in.  Life is just too short to do otherwise.

Links to the full news story:

http://www.9news.com/news/local/fatal-crash-near-castle-view-high-school/322058373

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/local-news/1-killed-in-car-crash-near-castle-rock-high-school

The forgotten pizza

February 19th.  Less than a month shy since 2 years will have passed since Preston left us for Heaven.  It happened.  I forgot.

I never thought that I could.  And I can make excuses.  It didn't register in my mind that today was the 19th.  I can't eat dairy so making pizza didn't come to mind.  I had chicken in the fridge that had to be cooked.

But still.  I feel low.  I feel horrendous.  I feel like a failure.  I feel sad.  I forgot.

It's not that I didn't think of Preston today.  I thought of him this morning when I placed my special necklace on his urn.  I thought of him as I was rocking Samantha in her nursery, formerly his nursery.  I thought of him because of certain items in the room.  I thought of him because of a song that played.  I thought of him later in the day as I saw tokens around the living room - a bunny, a special little P figurine.  I thought of him as I was going through pictures on my google account and there was a picture that I didn't take or save.  All it was, was the letter P.  Where it came from? No idea.

I started the chicken in the crock pot late in the afternoon.  After being home for a bit, my husband commented that it smelled delicious but that today was the 19th.  Where was the pizza?  Bless his heart, it's not his fault.  But I cried.  How could I forget?  I don't care that I have excuses.  No excuse is good enough to forget to celebrate my son.  We had pizza.  We took the cheese off my pieces.

I hope it never happens again.

Preston, Mama is sorry with all her heart.  I can only hope that you forgive me.  And I hold on to the fact that you did, because right after I realized what I'd done, my friend Meghann sent me a picture of a rainbow telling me she saw it and thought of me.  It had to be you. 

I love you my sweet boy.  I miss you with all my heart, and I wish you could be with me.  I wish you could see your beautiful little sister grow.  I wish you could experience her smile.  And of course, I know you see it all and experience it in your own way... but I wish it was different.

Missing you always.  I may have forgotten your pizza, but I think of you every day.  I promise.

Snow capped

I was doing an online puzzle during my lunch hour today.  It was a winter scene, where the roof of this house was snow capped, with Christmas decorations all around it.  Oddly, this feeling came over me, like a feeling that Christmas would be okay after all.  It made my day.  

And then we went to Target after work.  Christmas decorations are already everywhere you look.  Christmas music is playing.  Christmas is being shoved down our throats, and it's just November 5th!  I've always loved Christmas, the decorations, the lights, the music, but every year, it seems like it is being commercialized even more.  Somehow, because every year, I think that there's no way it can become more commercial than it already is.  The earlier that it can be advertised, the better, stores seem to be saying.  I was actually buying candy on Halloween at the grocery store and most of it was cleared off the shelves, with pallets of Christmas decorations just waiting to be stocked to re-fill the barren shelves.

This year, the thought of Christmas is difficult.  It wasn't going to be Preston's first Christmas, but he was just a peanut last Christmas.  I think he would have enjoyed the lights, the family time, and new toys.  It's also a reminder that he'll never get to believe in Santa Claus.  He'll never get to leave him milk and cookies.  He'll never open a present, has a Christmas Eve feast.  We'll never get to make our own family traditions with him.

Those thoughts make me sad.  It makes me sad that I have friends in the same boat.  However, if I just for a second think about that snow capped roof puzzle I completed earlier today, that feeling of peace returns.  I haven't said this in a long long time, but I am longing for a good snow storm.  The pure white color of the snow.  The silence that seems to come with it in the early morning.  The reminder that Preston lived through snow storms.  We cuddled by the fire.  And he sent me that storm on Mother's Day.  Maybe that first storm will make me cry.  Or maybe it'll make me smile.  Maybe a little of both.  Regardless though, I know I will get through these next couple months.  One day at a time. 

We may not get to make Christmas traditions with Preston present in our lives, but maybe we can still buy him an ornament every year.  Or maybe we can light a candle that will stay lit all day long on Christmas.  We can still create something meaningful to us as a family, which will honor Preston, which will help us include him despite his absence.  It could be a special family time, if we are up for it.  And only time will tell.  What are your favorite holiday traditions?