Positively February 2016: Day 3

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.   - Joseph Campbell

My sweet boy.  I remember the day we had professional pictures taken like it was yesterday.  I'm not good at remembering things vividly.  I remember that day really well.  And after Preston passed, I felt so much guilt.  Guilt for going back to work.  Guilt for sending him to daycare.  Guilt for not spending as much time with him as I could have.  Guilt for not being there for his final moments.  And guilt for wanting a picture of him as an angel.  I thought it would be cute.  And of course it is cute, but I felt and still feel like I tempted fate... given that now Preston is a real angel.

Guilt is one of those emotions that often appears into my conscience.  Sometimes it is brought on by an event, or a thought.  Sometimes it just lingers for days on end.  It's probably the grieving emotion I've felt the most aside from sadness.

Sadness.  Guilt.  These emotions are what made me need to find some joy to be able to survive.  To be able to move forward.  To be able to get through each day.  

My place of joy?  Remembering all those special smiles that Preston would flash at me.  All I had to do was smile at him and there was his beaming smile.  I have hung on to the memories of the happiness that exuded from my son.  I have grasped on to the notion that Preston would want me to be happy.  That he would want me to find a reason to smile every day.

And it's worked.  For the most part anyway.

With the arrival of Preston's sister, Samantha, I've now another pure source of joy.

21 months

Milestones are interesting.  Some mean more to one individual than to another.  Many of the milestones Preston reached, such as smiling, giggling and rolling over, mean more to me than to the average parent.  They did when they happened, and they do now that they are all I have.  Someone's child walking for the first time might mean more to them because they were told their child would never walk.  There are so many variables that come into play.

The milestones I've had to deal with over the last 17 months though, are much different to what I would have imagined.  The first weeks without Preston, the first month, the first year, his first birthday that he never got to celebrate on Earth.  What's striking to me though is how some of them are harder than others when you don't feel like they should be.  For example, on Wednesday, Preston should have turned 21 months old.  It's not one of those anniversaries that you hear about often, like the 1st birthday, turning 18 months, or two years.  Just 21 months.  It hit me really hard, for no apparent reason.

Perhaps it's that it got me thinking how I need to prepare for #SpreadHappinessForPreston day, coming up in less than 3 months now.  Or perhaps it's because just a month after his 2nd birthday, he should be meeting his sister for the first time.  Or perhaps, it's just that the hole that was etched into my heart when he died, is still just as large as it was on that horrible day.

I struggled with guilt again.  Why was I okay on his 18 month birthday, but not today?  Why do I feel decently most of the time when it feels like I should still be heavily grieving?  What is wrong with me? Does that mean I loved my child less than other parents?  What could I have done? Should I do anything differently this time around?

The truth is, I don't have any of those answers, other than knowing that I loved and continue to love Preston more than I ever though humanly possible.  Him not being here, doesn't make me love him less, it just makes it more difficult because I don't have many ways of expressing it toward him.  I can't tell him to his face.  I can't kiss him.  I can't hug him.  I can't show him how proud I am of him.

But, I can do what I've been doing.  I can continue to try and be the best person that I can be.  I can continue to try and motivate others, whether they are going through a similar journey or not.  I can continue to smile every day to honor Preston, who adored smiling and giggling.  I can continue to share him with the world and hope to touch someone's heart.  With his story, or simply with the happiness that you see on his face.  That is his legacy and I will continue shouting it on top of mountain tops as long as I'm around.  Will it change the world?  Probably not, but I owe it to him to try.

Buddy

In the event you are unfamiliar with him, let me re-introduce you to one of my fur-balls, Acro.  He is usually less independent than his sister.  He loves belly rubs and chasing hair ties.. actually he enjoys playing fetch with hair ties.  He is 4 years old, and a total house cat.  Living in Colorado, the though of having outdoor cats frightened me as you never really never know what wildlife might be out there - bears, coyotes, mountain lions.  He is a very loving cat, but also a very scared-y cat.  He can run from his own shadow.

Perhaps his ears were ringing... he just pranced into the kitchen as I type about him.  Acro, is my buddy.  At least, it's an affectionate name I have given him.  He will sit in my lap for non-stop pets.  His purr is soft and subtle.  His love bites are charming.  His meow can be one of the most entertaining things to listen to.  From his non-stop meow-meow-meow "I'm hungry", to his "I'm playing" purr-durr, to his low growl "I got the (fake) mouse.  It's mine!".  He will "love" on everything that is around when he wants attention, by stroking his head against it.  The table legs.  The fridge.  The wall.  And yes of course, our legs.

Sometime in 2013, probably in December, I was taking care of Preston and I called him buddy.  As soon as the words came out of my mouth, it felt weird.  I thought of taking it back, but soon enough, I was saying it all the time and it became one of my nicknames for Preston.  Without meaning to, while Preston was around, my cats got neglected.  Less pets.  Less cuddling by the fire.  Less belly rubs.  They would however often come hang out with Preston and I when I would rock him in his nursery.  They never tried to jump in his crib which I must be honest, is something I feared all the time.

After Preston passed, there came a day where I was in a better place and uttered "hi buddy" to Acro.  I cried.  And cried.  And cried some more.  The guilt of sharing the "buddy" name got to me so intensely.  I'd felt it the first several times I used it with Preston in place of Acro.  But this guilt... it was intolerable.  It drove me nuts for quite a while.  And then it got better.  Every time I now call Acro "buddy" it makes me smile and reminds me of when I would call Preston the same.

In similar fashion, I've felt guilt in relation to Acro and Preston.  Since bringing Preston's ashes home, I've kept two of his blankets and a onesie by his urn on our dresser.  The first time I saw that Acro had slept on his blankets and onesie, I flipped out.  It would take away the scent of Preston that still permeated the items.  Acro's hair would "soil" these keepsakes.  I started leaving something on his things so that Acro couldn't just sleep there.  Things like sunglasses.  He eventually found his way back to those blankets.  His persistence eventually turned my grief into a mysterious feeling.  What if he just wanted to be close to Preston?  Or what if it was Preston's way of saying, "Mama, I'm still nearby"?  Or what if it's just a cat wanting a comfy spot? Right, I know.  Logically, I know that it's probably the latter.  However, my mind sometimes needs to believe the other possibilities.  It needs to consider that it could be Preston or God sending me a sign.

I no longer feel anger toward my cat for leaving hair on Preston's things, even though I'm a little bit sad every time I see the black cat hairs clinged to his onesie.  I no longer feel guilt for allowing our cat to rest by Preston.  I no longer feel guilt when I call my cat "buddy", a nickname that I gave him in the first place.

Guilt can come from unusual places.  As hard as it is to believe, this type of guilt will go away.  Don't let it keep you down.  Breakaway from the guilt and be free.


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Positively February: Day 21

"Never fear shadows.  They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby."

I've often said, grief walk hand in hand with guilt.  It follows you like a shadow.  You wonder what you could have done differently to prevent your loss.  You ponder if you made the right decisions.  You evaluate every single action.  You torture yourself with questions you probably will never have answers to.

This shadow, I wish it would leave my side.  I wish it would exit my mind.  Yet, it does not.  Or usually not for extended periods of time.

Grief brings sadness.  Again this sadness is always chasing you like your shadow does, as you try to run away from it.  It is ready to creep up on you without a moment's notice.  We were watching a show today, and one of the character's mom passed away in her sleep.  That sent me for a loop.  That's what happen to Preston.  He took a nap and never woke up.  At least, I hope that's what happened since we don't really know for sure since the nanny had left him alone.  I would imagine, at least, this is a peaceful way to go.

Grief brings a lot of emotions and thoughts that will try to pull you into darkness.  These strong, often negative emotions lurk in the shadows ready to pounce on you when you are vulnerable, or more vulnerable.  I imagine, that these dark feelings and ideas will always be somewhere nearby.

Despite the shadows though, we always have the power to let the light in.  We can allow positivity into our lives and concentrate on the good memories, however few they may be.  We can remind ourselves that while the guilt is there, deep inside, we know we did EVERYTHING we could.  And the sadness?  Well the sadness, it exists because the love was so great.  The love will always be there.  Your child lives in your heart forever.  And if that's not a symbol of a light shining somewhere nearby, I don't know what is.

Making peace with some guilt

My husband is a sweet guy.  I received beautiful flowers at work yesterday, just because.  Those are the best kind right?  It certainly made me smile, and it certainly brightens up my cubicle.  Dare I say, it made me happy?  Yes, it made me happy and I smile every time I glance at them.  He always gets flower arrangements from the Brown Palace, where he used to work, and I have to admit, they do a great job at the flower shop.  I've never been disappointed. 

Did you know the pink rose was a symbol for healing?  I didn't know until just a few moments ago.  Perhaps it's suiting that I received some pink roses, since I feel like I made headway with one of my demons.  I received an email today from one of my co-workers, Jess.  She sent me the picture of a beautiful rainbow she had her husband take a picture of a couple of weeks ago.  It made her think of me and Preston and it was the most vibrant rainbow she ever saw.  She sent it to me just to make my day.  How sweet is that?

I took the opportunity to apologize to Jess.  You see, Jess is a new mom.  Her son, Connor, was born in early March.  I haven't met him yet, even though the opportunities have been there.  Being around newborns is difficult, particularly little boys.  Jess has brought Connor to the office a couple of times and both times, I just couldn't do it.  It's not because I don't want to, it's because I just really am not ready.  I don't really have a better way of describing it, you know?  Jess was so sweet about it though.  She wasn't upset with me at all for not having met him, or really even asked about him.  I feel bad about it.  I feel like I'm not being a good friend.  I feel like I should be able to put my grief aside and show my friend how much I really want to meet her son.  I really do.  My heart is just not ready for it though.  And Jess was so understanding and told me I shouldn't apologize for that.  That made me feel so much better.  It healed a little peace of my heart.  It brought tears to my eyes and I was even more thankful for her kindness, empathy and friendship when she stopped by moments later to give me a hug.  Thank you, thank you, thank you Jess. <3

The understanding Jess showed me today helped me make peace with this feeling guilty for not having met the newborns that are around me.  We have a couple friends that have had babies recently.  I have a cousin that is pregnant.  I have friends that are trying to get pregnant.  I have friends that are pregnant.  Pregnancy and babies are all around us.  Every day.  Whether it's with the people we know, or the people we come across on a daily basis.  On the train.  In line at the grocery store.  At the doctor's office.  On TV.  There's no getting away from it really unless you barricade yourself in your room under the covers.  And maybe sometimes you have to do that, want to do that, need to do that.  That's ok!! But, you can't hide from reality forever.  You have to face your fears sometimes.  I get up every day and deal with this fear.. this fear of coming face to face with a newborn.  A blond baby boy with blue eyes, about 4 months old, or younger.  And when I do, I admit that I don't stick around very long because it hurts.  I'm not trying to hide though.  Truthfully though, it hasn't gotten easier.  One day at a time.  One day, I will be there.

This little demon called guilt is always there when I think that I haven't gone to meet these sweet little babies.  I hurt because I'm not able to show my friendship to my friends and family because my heart aches.  With Jess' help though, I now see that they understand.  My friends understand that it's too painful right now.  The trigger of seeing, hearing babies, is just too much for me.  One day it won't be though.  I look forward to that day, but I have no idea when it will be.  I hope soon?  I fear that it might take a long time, but I hope not.  Time will tell right?

Do know, if you have a baby, are expecting a baby, or are trying to have a baby, I am truly happy for you.  Just because I'm not there yet, does not mean I don't care, or that I'm jealous.  Just because I can't be around babies right now, does not mean that I don't think about my friends every day; my friends and their babies.  I wish them happiness.  I wish them everything that is good.  Thank you Jess, for helping make peace today.  Thank you my friends, for your understanding.  Your patience.  Your compassion.  I've just let go of one demon - feeling extreme guilt for not having met my friends' babies.  One day, I will defeat his friend, the beast that won't allow me to keep it together when I see a baby.

Just a Sunday

It sure was a filled Sunday, a day which was supposed to consist of only baking (and relaxing).  My day began at 8:00 something when hubby woke me up wanting to go out for breakfast.  Breakfast is certainly not my favorite meal of the day.  I don't like eggs, which are in 80% of all breakfast items.  For a long time I couldn't eat pancakes because they would just upset my intestines.  I've found it difficult to start eating foods that I couldn't have for the longest time; especially when they always caused pain.  So, I'm not the biggest fan of pancakes either...  that leaves... not much :P

But to the point, we were going to go to have breakfast, but it was at a restaurant that's about 30 minutes away.  Then, we were going to go visit our friend Charles who had invited us over to meet his new puppy.  Given that I wanted to bake for a large portion of the day, and that Brett needed to finish putting down the tile in our "front" room, we opted against going to the restaurant and just stopped for a quick breakfast at McDonald's on the way to Charles' house.  We stayed at his place for a little over an hour, I think.  We played with his new puppy, and his 1 year old son.  That little guy sure can run around now, wow.  It always makes me wonder where Preston would be at.  It doesn't make me sad, but it just makes me wonder, you know?  How many teeth would he have? What foods would he like?  Would he be saying a couple words, or be on the cusp of it?  Would he be crawling?  Regardless, I'd be proud of my little guy, and I'm proud of his best friend.  Keep it up big guy!!

When we got home, I started getting everything ready for baking cookies, only to realize I was out of vanilla.  Really?  When did that happen?  Brett had to go out to do an errand and he offered to pick some up for me.  What a lovie!  I took a little break until I remembered that I have a double oven now!  Ta-da!  I started working on getting the bread ready.  Got it in the oven just in time for the vanilla to come home for cookies and with my in-laws!  They were in the neighborhood having closed on the new house this week.  Wanted to scope out the place more carefully before it's rented out and they can't come and go as they please.  A few hours later, several batches of cookies and 2 loaves of bread were ready.  One loaf, already gone and eaten! That was fast! lol

This is the cheddar-apple loaf.  It feels like it's missing something, but I can't quite put my finger on it.  Others seem to disagree since one loaf has already been eaten.  The cookies are, believe it or not, cholesterol free! Or so says the recipe.  I'll take its word for it!  They are a little crunchier than what I was hoping for.  Hopefully the two slices of bread I put in a Ziploc bag with the cookies helps soften them up.  It's worked in the past.

A lot went on today, yet it doesn't feel like the day flew by.  There was a walk today for angels.  A walk to remember, where you walk to honor your little one that has passed on.  I really wanted to go, but felt unprepared.  Unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster that would go on in my mind.  Unprepared because I didn't have any signs, hadn't invited anyone, hadn't raised any funds to help the organization that organizes this annual walk.  It's organized by the same organization which holds the monthly support group I attend.  Hopefully next year.  I want to do everything I can to honor my little boy and felt guilty for not being prepared for this day.  Hopefully this guilt is just something temporary.

I did read something inspiring today though.  This one mama  has two angels, Conner and Benjamin.  I've been reading her blog and it actually helped me find the inspiration to start my own blog.  I'm so thankful for it too, because it has really helped with my healing process.  So, thank you Krystal!  Back to how she recently inspired me.  On every 10th of the month, she celebrates the birth of her two boys instead of grieving their loss.  Like this week, she and her husband went out to breakfast and she ordered orange juice for them, since it was something she craved during her pregnancy with the twins, but it's something she usually can't stand.  So sweet!  I didn't really have any cravings with Preston, but he would move a lot when I had pizza.  Perhaps the 19th will forever now be pizza night.  Another small way I can honor and remember my son.  Not all gestures have to be large.  Not all gestures have to involve the world.  Some can be just between me and him, and his dad.  We miss you little man.  Hope you could smell the cookies and bread mama baked today.  Did you flap your little wings around to come down to smell baked goods for a few minutes?

PS. I was also going to make a hot milk sponge cake but I couldn't find my cake pan and remembered that I packed it away when I emptied the china cabinet.  The cake will have to wait.