Capture Your Grief 2015 - Express Your Heart

Neglected.  That's how I feel I've treated my blog lately.  I've wanted to write, but I've let so many things get in the way.  Time.  Fatigue.  Emotions.  Not being able to find the words.

Yet, almost every time I start writing, things just seem to flow.  I thought of skipping this subject (day 14) but it felt like the perfect opportunity to bring up a subject that's been heavy on my heart for months.  And it is even more so now.

When I learned that I was pregnant again, there were so many emotions.  Fear.  Gratitude.  Happiness.  Blessed.  Sadness.  From day to day, I've felt confused about how I should feel.  I should be so grateful.  Yet, Preston should be sharing in this moment.  I should be happy, yet I feel terrified of losing another child.  It's been a constant tug of war in my heart.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that we are going to be welcoming our little girl in a couple months.  And I have a lot of good days where I'm excited.  But there are moments that are so difficult.  Reaching certain milestones.  Realizing that Samantha moves so much more than Preston, which maybe should have been a hint that things weren't going as great as I thought with my pregnancy with Preston.

For months, I knew we'd have to make a decision about Preston's nursery.  Does it become Samantha's, or do we transform it into a guest room and make the guest room into Samantha's room?  We opted to turn Preston's room into Samantha's.  We decided it was a place he was always happy and comfortable.  We made the decision to keep certain parts of the nursery intact - including the wall pictured above.  If I can have it my way, this wall will remain baby blue with the red, white and blue stripes for the Cubs (and Canadiens) for the rest of time.  Hopefully Samantha doesn't have a problem with it as she grows older.

And so, last weekend, hubby and I entered the nursery together for the first time since March 2013.  We moved a lot of things over to the guest room so that we could put away some of Preston's things, so that we could possibly move the furniture in a different pattern and so that I could make a mental inventory of what we might need.

I'd been in this room a handful of times.  Sometimes, I would manage to stay for only a few seconds, while others, I was able to spend a good half hour reading a book to Preston, as I rocked back and forth in the rocking chair, as we used to so often.  I knew cleaning out the nursery was going to be difficult.  I didn't expect it would hit me like a ton of bricks.

So many things were hidden away in drawers, or underneath other items.  Some of which I hadn't looked at in over a year and a half.  Just the fact that we were changing things up, and putting away some things for good.  It brought back that sharp initial pain that existed when I learned my baby boy was gone.  It brought back all those agonizing memories I wish I could call a nightmare.  Except this time, there was no fogginess to protect me.  There was no numbness.  No feelings of disbelief.  How could there be, having lived with this for 19 months?

Needless to say, we were only able to work in there for an hour or so.  We threw away a few things, we made the decision to wash some of his clothes, sheets and blankets.  We moved the crib from one side of the room to the other.  And since that evening, the door to the nursery has been opened.

This afternoon, I went in and folded all the clothes that hubby washed.  I put away all the 3 month old clothes, and placed a bunch of Preston's things into the chest that's at the foot of our bed.  Things I don't want his sister to share.  His lamp.  The sheet and blanket that were part of his bedroom set.  His "my first Christmas" onesie, along with some of my favorite clothes of his - including his preemie "pinch me I'm cute" one (and his 3 month old version of it).  It's the one he came home from the hospital in and the only one we didn't donate to the hospital once he didn't fit into the preemie stuff anymore.    His Brandon Marshall Chicago Bears jersey to match his dad's.  Some binkies and other memorabilia.

While his things will be tucked away out of sight, they will be close by if we ever want to see them.  And there are things of Preston's that Samantha will share for sure.  She inherits all his stuffed animals and toys.  She'll share his favorite swing and bouncer.  His bear bathrobe.  Some of the decorations in the nursery.  Some clothes even.  Though, I suppose, it's possible that if it's too hard to see her in them, it won't be for very long.

I went on a shopping spree yesterday and bought her a bunch of things.  A new lamp for the nursery.  A mobile with a moon and stars.  A ton of clothes.  She's going to be a little fashionista, let me tell you.  Her wardrobe is more expensive than mine and it's just newborn sized.  I think someone's going to be a spoiled little girl!  Well, let her be.  I'll just have to make sure she doesn't become a spoiled brat. ;)

When one door closes, another opens.

I will never, ever forget my son.  I will continue to think about him every day, even when he becomes a big brother.  Samantha will not replace Preston in any way, shape or form.  She has a special place in my heart, in my life, just like Preston does.  I can only hope, that Preston knows.

Positively February: Day 19

"No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, you can always turn around."

I hopped on the wrong train on my way home.  I didn't realize, until I was just about at the end of the line, having gone East instead of South.  Oops!  Thankfully, the trains run pretty often around rush hour and I was home just 30 minutes later.  This train and mine look alike and have the same route, until one keeps going South, while the other forks East.  I was listening to Pandora, and so enthralled in my game of Solitaire that I didn't notice until I looked up to get an idea of how close we were getting, that I was not where I should be.

This prompted me to find a different quote than what I'd planned out at lunch time.  We all, at some point, take the wrong turn.  I've done it many times.  Sometimes it takes you some place wonderful that you wouldn't have stumbled upon otherwise.  Sometimes, you are forced down a road you don't want to go down.  And while you can't erase going down that road, you can most certainly turn back.

Everyone experiences life differently, sees it in their own unique way.  For the first several months of grieving, I needed something to do.  I worked, and worked and worked.  I don't need that constant distraction anymore, I've gone down a new path of healing.  It took me a while to get there.  It will take others less time, or more time.  There's no set pace.  It's not a race to the finish.  And I'm not saying that burying myself into work was the "wrong" way to grieve either.  I just found a new path to go down.

Take the road less traveled when possible.  It might be the wrong path.  It might turn into the right path.  Keep in mind though, if it is the wrong path, or it feels wrong, it's never a problem to turn right back around.  I invite you to attempt allowing positivity into your life even if it is a difficult time.  If it doesn't feel right, you will have tried.  And you can try again later.  If it doesn't feel right for now, it's not the wrong answer to turn around.

Riding the waves of change

It is hard to lead a life where change doesn't exist - warranted or not.  We can live our lives with consistency and routine, but change is unavoidable.  Things become obsolete.  People come into our lives, while others leave - not necessarily through death, but sometimes.  The latest and greatest invention comes into our lives.  Unpredictable weather causes changes in plans.

Change can be scary.  A lot of people try to avoid it as to remain in the comfort of what they know, what they understand, what they want.  Sometimes change is necessary such as leading a healthier lifestyle for health purposes.  I've been there.

Change can be difficult.  Adapting to a life without Preston is oh so challenging.  I often find myself staring at babies at the store, wondering if that's how my son would be acting now.  Hopefully I don't look like a crazed maniac that's enthralled with another person's child.  I just get mesmerized, into the what should have been, instead of what is.  I didn't choose this path.  I didn't have a choice to deal with this tremendous wave that crashed into my life.

With a new year comes the ever popular resolutions we try to adopt every year.  The changes we try to make, which I think are a good thing.  Remember, control what you can in life.  That makes it easier to cope and deal with the unpredictable changes that occur throughout your life.  Last year, I wanted to try a new recipe every week.  As with most people, I succeeded for a short period of time, and then it went out the window.  It was rather ambitious, but I was on maternity leave when I made the resolution and had more time on my hands, even with a newborn.

One tough year later, my resolutions will be a little less bold for 2015.

1. Use my crock-pot/slow cooker once a month
2. Continue losing weight and maintain it once I reach a decent goal
3. Exercise more - start slow - use the exercise bike every day after work
4. Continue with my blog and try to make #SpreadHappinessForPreston even more successful on 11/19/15
5. Take one class of some kind - cooking, artsy, accounting, photography
6. Keep a better house
7. Plant seeds in Preston's garden earlier (right after Mother's Day)
8. Take more pictures
9. Reach out to one person every month who seems to be struggling - someone I know or a stranger
10. Honor my son, by smiling more

Ten resolutions probably sounds like a lot but I think it gives me flexibility.  If I happen to fail with one, I'll have the satisfaction of having followed several.

I vow to ride these waves of change, by welcoming some into my life.  After all, without change, we'd have no beautiful, colorful butterflies.

What are your resolutions for 2015?

Another month goes by...

It's the 13th again.  I tried not to be sad today, but it was very difficult.  Preston was on my mind all day.  His little smile was just floating in my mind, wanting to see it so badly.  While today was a good productive day, I feel like I may have been in a fog at the same time.  It's been five months now.  Five whole months without my sweet little boy.  Five long months with empty arms.  Five eternal months serving as a reminder that our lives are forever changed.

Change is difficult.  I've never been one to be afraid of change.  I feel like I adapt fairly well to any type of change.  Is it easy?  It's never really easy to change, or deal with change.  But, my husband taught me many years ago, that nothing good comes easy, perhaps a metaphor to say, if something is easy, it won't be as rewarding than overcoming the difficulties in life.  Things changed a lot for me when I first moved to the States.  I didn't know anyone.  I wasn't familiar with my surroundings.  I didn't have a job, couldn't have a job for 6 months.  The air was different.  The scenery was vastly different.  It was a really big adjustment and I had a lot of difficulties with motivation.  Motivation to cook, to go out, to develop a cleaning routine around the house.  Looking back, I feel like I may have started going into a mild depression.  I'd ripped myself away from the life I'd known for 25 years and everything was now new.  Things changed though when I started working again.  I feel like perhaps the lack of purpose from not having a job just took it's toll on me along with all the others changes I had to deal with all at once. 

I've had to deal with change a lot relating to dealing with Crohn's.  I had to deal with constantly changing my diet depending on the amount of pain I was having.  The higher the pain, the more nausea I got, the weaker I felt; it usually meant that I was having a flare-up.  My intestines became inflamed.  I had to go on very bland diets.  Every now and then I had to go to the hospital and ended up on a Prednisone regimen; ah the devil pill.. can't say I miss you.  And then, I had to slowly re-integrate certain foods.  Sometimes, I knew right away, that no, I couldn't have that food and I'd have to wait several months to try again.  It was a constant game of change and adapting.

This latest change in my life, losing my son, requires more adapting than I've ever had to deal with.  It's realizing every day, that no, your child isn't here anymore.  It's dealing with handfuls of different triggers every day.  It's surviving.  It's learning to still take care of myself and my husband, instead of taking care of my son.  It's allowing my mind to concentrate on different things every day to not go crazy with grief, guilt and despair.  It's trying to find reasons to smile, reasons to laugh, reasons to be happy, reasons to want to help others.

I have many reasons to smile.  I have the best husband (no offense to any other guy out there).  I have wonderful, understanding friends and family who care about me.  This goes hand in hand with having a fabulous support system throughout this whole nightmare.  I have a great job that I love.  My Crohn's is in remission.

I have many reasons to laugh.  The silly things Brett says to me every day.  TV shows I watch.  The funny cat and dog pictures me and my co-workers exchange.  Things I read on the web on a daily basis.

I have reasons to be happy.  Many overlap with the things I wrote above.  In addition though, I carried a special little boy for about 35 weeks.  I cared for my baby for 16 weeks on this Earth.  I learned a whole new side to love.  I have my own personal angel who sends me signs when I need it, who helps me out when times get rough.  Many of the songs I heard today reminded me of my sweet little boy.  I heard the end of "Iris" on the radio this morning as I was parking my car.  I heard it in full on Pandora on my way home from work.  I heard "Fighter" which I would sing to Preston when we would drive home from his daycare.  He was my little fighter after all.  And "Hall of Fame", which for some reason makes me think of Preston.  Perhaps it's the lines "Cause you burn with the brightest  flame, and the world's gonna know your name".  I've said it many times that I want to share Preston with the world.  There were others, but those are the ones that stuck. 

Maybe you think I'm weird for thinking these songs remind me of Preston, or that they find a way to make me happy even when at the same time, they also make me feel sad.  I think songs can be interpreted so many different ways.  Eye of the beholder.  I was blessed to have this little boy in my life, and any reminder that he truly existed, brings me happiness.  Happiness that I need to share. 

Be sad because another month has gone by.  Be sad because the number of months is just going to continue to increase.  Be happy because your life was changed by your baby.  Be happy because change can be good, even when difficult.  I would give up this change I've had to deal with for 5 months for anything in the whole world.  Unfortunately, I don't have a say in the matter, and all I can do, is continue to learn to adapt.  Learn to keep smiling, laughing, sharing.

Miss you little man.  Mama thinks of you every day. xxx