Since you've been gone

Dear Preston,

It's that awful day again.  It's been 4 years now, can you believe it?  I wonder if you are even aware of time passage in Heaven.  I hope you are surrounded by loved ones on this day.

I constantly wonder if you've grown or what it's like up there?  I've heard that in Heaven, there's no bodies and you're just a spirit or energy.  It doesn't stop me from wondering what you look like at 4 years old.  And what about your mind?  Do you instantly become aware of everything and can understand all my thoughts?  Or do you still have the mind of a four month old?

I don't know what to believe, but I know this.  You know when I need you.  I can feel it whenever I call out to you in my head.  Whenever I need reassurance, you send me some kind of sign.  For years, I've looked to see a license plate that would have your initials.  It made me feel like if I could see it, you would be telling me that you are thinking of me.

This weekend on the way back from swim class with your sister, there was a car in front of me with the following plate:  SWT PEA

Do you remember that I always called you Sweet P?  I think this is as close as I'm going to get.  Seeing it days just days before having to deal with today - it reminded me that you are with me wherever I go.  You keep me grounded.

I spent the day with your sister today.  We cuddled as we watched a variety of shows she enjoys.  We went shopping for some clothes for her.  She keeps growing!  I feel guilty whenever I have a thought along the lines of I wish she would stop growing or I wish she would stay a baby forever.  Because I know what it's like to have a baby stop growing.  I want her to have a long healthy life.  I wanted that for you too.

Without think about it, we ended up buying three articles of clothing with rainbows on it.  A Mickey/Minnie Mouse t-shirt that I thought was cute.  A t-shirt with a sequin heart and a rainbow within the heart.  And a rainbow striped dress - your sister picked that one herself with no help from me.  While Sami napped, I removed all the tags from the new clothes and was telling your dad how Sami picked that dress.  He said something that hadn't even occurred to me: that's interesting considering what today is.

I kept busy during her nap.  Probably one of the roughest nap times considering you passed during a nap on this dreadful day.  I meal prepped our slow cooker dinner for tomorrow.  Before I knew it, she was awake. 

I took her to the park which is her new favorite thing to do.  We were gone for over an hour.  She had fun going up to the slide and sliding down.  She liked going through the little tunnels they have on the playground.  She kept wanting to go say hi to Nemo, a plastic statue they have at the pool which is located next to the park.  He's gated in and the pool is closed so all she could do was wave to him through the fence.

We also went to the pet store so that she could see the fishies and any other animals that might be there.  I had wanted to take her to the zoo, but there just was too many other things I wanted to do.

She smiled a lot.  So did I.

It leaves me perplexed with how I feel today.  I've had happy moments for sure.  I've had moments where I've been sad.  I had trouble putting your sister down to sleep tonight.  She fell asleep so fast after having such a fun day.  I didn't want to let go.  I felt guilty for having fun without you.

Since you've been gone, those are feelings that I have almost every day.  And then I remember the rainbows, and the bunnies.  I remember that you want me to have happiness in my life, and I try so hard to have it.  Your sister makes it easy.  She's my sunshine.

Perhaps it's fitting that I say this is her song:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
No please don't take my sunshine away

It's my prayer every day.

I miss you terribly, but I know that you hear my prayer.  I know because she makes a sound in her sleep whenever I'm worried.  I see rainbows in unexpected places - a reflection on the floor as I walk into the office from the light catching the glass door at just the right angle.

I know you are with me as I continue this incredibly difficult journey without you.  But I still miss you, and I always will.  Thank you for being our guardian angel.

Thinking of you always,
-Mama

Guardian Angel

I remember wondering about guardian angels when I was little.  Did they exist?  Who was mine?  Would I always be watched over?

As an adult, I thought angels a lot less.  Perhaps the harsh reality of life made it seem like surely they didn't exist?  Or perhaps, the fast pace that is now our every day lives made it so I just didn't think about it.

When Preston was born, I prayed.  I prayed a lot.  I'd ask God to watch over him when we were sleeping as I was frightened for him.  He was so small, and had been rushed into life, sooner than he was ready for it.  I believe I prayed every day and night.  In the morning, thanking God for watching over my son, and at night asking him to watch over him while I couldn't.

I'll be honest, I've prayed a lot less in the last year and a half.  Probably hardly at all.  While I don't have many formal prayers anymore, I still find myself talking to God, and to Preston often.  Almost every day.  Asking them to watch over this little girl while I have little control as to what is going on inside of me.  

In the last months, I've come to realize that guardian angels really do exist.  Samantha's is her big brother Preston.  Anytime I get overly worried, bunnies come to the rescue.  Or little kicks from Samantha as if she was just awoken from a nap to let her mama know she's alright.  It's a blessing to have Preston as a guardian angel for his little sister.  

At the same time, I'd give anything for him to be here on earth instead.

I often wonder if angels come down to earth on occasion, or if they are simply spiritual beings.  I don't have a definite answer but have an interesting story.

Yesterday, on our way to run some errands, my husband stopped for coffee at a local coffee shop.  I usually go in too, but for some reason, I stayed in the truck.  Within minutes, I saw my husband through the shop window waiting for his coffee.  There was the weirdest shadow.  Surely an illusion caused by light.  Or was it?

I saw what seemed like a little blond head, leaning against Brett's shoulder.  And then I noticed the wings that wrapped around my husband's back.  Rainbow colored wings.  I stared at it for minutes, and eventually looked away, thinking I was crazy to think Preston was there.  I looked back a little while later, and the shadows were there.  I smiled, and realized that guardian angels surely exist.  And when we least expect it, there they are.

I want to say a special thank you to Krystal, Conner and Benjamin's mom, who sent me the crystal angel (with rainbow wings) pictured above.  I received it at the beginning of August, and plan to place it in the nursery once we venture in there and turn it into Samantha's room, though we plan to leave some Preston things there.  For now, it rests on our dresser, on Preston's lion blanket, next to his urn and a couple other tokens that remind me of him.

We are about three months away from meeting miss Samantha, and I felt compelled to go look at a few things we've bought for her.  I felt a picture of something of hers, tying it to the fact that Preston is her guardian angel would be fitting.  We bought this headband and slippers about a month ago.  Is it odd that I don't remember that they were bunnies? Coincidence?

6 bunnies

Over a month ago, on a day where I had an OB appointment, I had one of those days.  Full of doubts about how my baby was doing.  I was at that point in the pregnancy where most of the symptoms, such as morning sickness, had faded away.  I was at that point, where the baby was small which meant that I wasn't feeling any movement.

I feel blessed that the day my mind started to worry, for no real reason, was on the day where I could request an ultrasound if I wanted.  On my train ride, I talked to Preston.  I told him I was worried, and that I wished he could tell me that everything was ok.  Almost instantly, I saw a bunny.  In the middle of downtown, on the grass surrounding one of the courthouses.  I thought, what a coincidence.  When we were further out from the city, I saw another bunny.  And then another, and 3 others.  None were in the same area.  I could have missed all of them, considering the speed the light rail goes at, and keeping in mind that the mind and eyes easily wander.

It was no accident.  I've never seen that many on my train ride home.  I've never seen a bunny at the courthouse, and since seeing me, trust me, I keep looking.  This was my son telling me, he is watching over his sibling.  This was my son telling me not to worry, that he is a guardian angel.

I don't know that I'll ever completely stop worrying, considering how suddenly Preston was taken away from us, but since seeing the 6 bunnies, I really haven't worried much.  And I certainly didn't worry yesterday before the 20 week scan.  If anything, I had butterflies, for the first time with this pregnancy.

The anatomy scan was wonderful.  Everything looked great, and baby is growing at a good pace.  We really could not have gotten better news.  No abnormalities, no unpleasant surprises, nothing to worry about.  In addition, I started feeling the baby move over the course of the past couple days.  Hubby even felt little kicks on Tuesday night.

And yes, of course, what you've been waiting for... we did find out what we are having.  Preston will be big brother, guardian angel to a little girl.

Meet Squirmy..... I mean, meet Samantha. <3  She appears to be trying to scratch her nose with her foot. :)