#CaptureYourGrief - Day 18: Gratitude

Gratitude.  If you've read my blog, you know that I am grateful for many things.  I did 30 days of gratitude just about a month ago, and it was an incredibly healing experience.  It was eye opening.  Soothing.  And it just made me feel good.

This will be redundant if you follow my blog, but just to summarize, I am grateful for:

The people in my life

• Preston, and the 16 weeks he gave us, and what he's taught me since growing angel wings.
• Brett, my incredibly supportive husband, who will always be with my through thick and thin.
• Our family, immediate and extending, for the support they show us, for being there when we need them.
• Our friends, for their support, friendship, and not shunning us, even when we are sad.  For letting us share freely, our thoughts and feelings.
• The ladies and gents I have met (in person and virtually) through my journey of grief and healing.  No one understands like you do.  Your experiences, have helped me feel less alone.  Your feedback has helped me grow.  Your openness about your loss(es) has helped me understand my own grief.

Resources

• Food.  I love delicious food.  I have loved growing Preston's Garden.
• Speaking of which - Preston's Garden.
• Pizza.  A connection to my son.  A way to honor him, thinking of him.  Delicious to boot.
• Colors.  They are all around us in nature (well in not so nature too).  It was one of Preston's favorite things, and I am thankful to be able to soak in those colors every day. They make me smile.
• My home.  It's where I feel the most connected to Preston.
• Bunnies, rainbows, bears.  Seeing them, I believe is a sign from my sweet P.
• Pets.  They love us unconditionally.  They like to cuddle and play and can just be so darn cute!
• Raindrops.  The possibility of a rainbow.  Purity.  Peace.
• Seasons.  They all in their own way remind me of Preston.  They all in their own way make me sad, but bring me peace.
• Heaven.  One day, we will be reunited.

Feelings, Emotions

• Laughter.  It's the best medicine, no?
• Values: integrity, respect, kindness and determination.  These values help me push forward, even when the going gets tough.
• Blogging.  It allows me to put my thoughts, experiences to "paper" and it helps me heal.  Hopefully, it helps others too.
• Peace.  No war.  I've not lived through a war, and I'm extremely grateful for it.
• My thoughts.  I'm thankful to be able to have them.  They allow me to grow.  Knowledge is power.

Modern Medicine

• Remicade. It helps keep Crohn's at bay
• Doctors because they've helped me more than they know.
• Nurses, because they showed me what true care and compassion was.
• Medicine, without it, I would have had 16 weeks with Preston.

Other

• Long weekends.  Extra time to rest.  To be with my husband.  To do things I would otherwise not have time, take the time to do.
• Vacation.  A time of reprieve from the "normal".  A break.
• Movie night.  Special time for just me and Brett.
• Being organized.  Order brings peace.
• Pictures.  They capture our memories, and help jog them as they fade.
• Feathered pillows.  They are comfortable.
• Tokens.  Mementos to honor memories.  I'm thankful to have so many.
• Music.  Soothes the soul.  Puts your emotions to words.
• Serendipity.  The flukes and coincidences that exist all around us.  I love noticing something out of the blue and realizing just how beautiful the work is.

I'm grateful for all this, and so much more.  I like Carly Marie's suggestion.  "Think about making this a new ritual for you to practice each morning".  This being, thinking about something you are grateful for and why.  What are you grateful for today?

30 days of gratitude

Over the past couple years, I've seen friends on Facebook post something to the likes of "3 days of gratitude", where you post 3 things that you are grateful for and subsequently nominate three friends to do the same.  When you a grieving the loss of a child, it becomes very easy to go to dark places, to be depressed and recoil into nothingness.  I am planning on doing 30 days of gratitude.  Every day, I will post something that I am grateful for, and elaborate on it.  I believe that finding 30 things to be grateful for will be challenging, but in the end, I strongly believe it will help me with my healing process. 

I will not be nominating anyone, but you are welcome to join me with this initiative.  Feel free to join through comments on my blog, on facebook, via email, via twitter, or BBC.  You can join at anytime.  You don't need to elaborate into as many details as I do.  You can simply state which day you are on and what you are grateful for :).  If nothing else, I hope you get something out of my gratitudes.  Sometimes, it's hard to realize what we are grateful for and we start taking things for granted.  It's just human nature ;)

Day 1: I am grateful for the 16 weeks I had with Preston.

My son was born November 19th, 2013 and while we had a rocky start with him being 4lbs 5 oz, we were able to take him home on Thanksgiving, November 28th (also my father in law's birthday).  The first days were scary, because he was tiny, there were no nurses, he'd make a lot of little noises as he slept, and it would just freak me out that something might be wrong.  I was terrified that he'd stop breathing especially while I was asleep.  I prayed to God every night asking him to watch over Preston as I slept.  I thanked him every night for watching over him and prayed again for him to watch over him.

We had a great 16 weeks.  He learned how to drink out of a bottle.  He loved looking at the colorful painting that sits above our couch in the living room.  He loved being read to.  We had him on a pretty strict schedule.  Every 3 hours I'd pump, and then he'd eat.  We'd play with him for a bit after he was burped, and then he would nap.  Rinse and repeat.  It was a well oiled machine.  As he grew older, stronger and bigger, every 3 hours became every 3 and a half hours, every four hours.  I think he was down to about 6 bottles a day when he was 16 weeks old.  He was starting to sleep from about 10:30-5:00.  I loved the evenings with him.  We'd listen to music, we'd play in his bouncer, we'd read books, do belly time.  This little piggy was losing it's luster for him, but he was loving raspberries on his belly.  I had started making a funny noise while pulling my tongue out at him and it would make him giggle so much.  Plus, he tried to do it too.  Remember that picture of him pulling out his tongue?  That's what he was doing.

He was a smart boy.  He appeared to be able to discern color much earlier than "they", whoever they are, say babies should be.  He told stories from the moment he was born.  He rolled over at daycare on March 6th.  He was just 15 weeks old, or 10 weeks if you adjust his age for when he should have been born.  He knew when it was time to eat and would start to squirm a little.  If you took too long, then he would cry a little bit.  He loved to look at the doggies (that looked more like bunnies) on his swing as they "ran" around in a circle.  His focus was really fascinating.  He was just starting to understand what it was to hold things, and was on the verge of discovering his hands.  It seemed to me, that he was just starting to get his first little teeth. 

He enjoyed bath time, but not as much as I thought he would.  You could tell though, that once he understood it a little more instead of concentrating on the fact that he was starting to feel cold, he would have absolutely loved it.  He was a happy boy when he was clean.  I've never seen a baby hate having a wet diaper so much.  A drop of pee and that was it.  I need a new one mama!  It wasn't rare that we went through 12 diapers a day, even at 16 weeks old.

Those 16 weeks taught me what pure and true happiness was; what true love was.  I am grateful for those 16 weeks, because I got to know the most precious being that ever lived.  Okay, so I'm biased, sue me ;).  He would have smiled all day if he didn't have to sleep and eat.  And while losing him has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I wouldn't trade those 16 weeks, even the hard ones, for anything in the world.

 

Gotta love how big his binky looks for him.  lol

 

 

 

On a side note, it's interesting the things you run into.  We went to dinner with my in-laws tonight and in the parking lot, in the spot next to ours, was this little stuffed bunny.  We don't usually go to Outback Steakhouse, and we hadn't planned on going out tonight.  But there was that bunny.  Signs come in all shapes and sizes don't they?