#CaptureYourGrief: Day 12 - Music

I've touched on the subject of music a few times already.  I love music.  I love songs with a good beat, but I also love them for their lyrics.  Sometimes more for the lyrics than the beat.  As a grieving mother, I can say that listening to music after Preston passed away was very difficult.  How many songs do you hear that have the word "baby" in it.  And yes, I know it usually isn't a word that's used to describe a child.  But when you've just lost a baby, just hearing the word baby can be really difficult.  And then, there's a lot of songs about love, and about relationships that you can find ways to relate to the baby you've just lost.  It's just a really difficult subject.

I chose the picture above, because Preston loved his bouncy seat which played music.  He liked music.  Preston and I would often be up late, for a feeding, and I'd play one of Comcast's music channels.  There was a kids channel, but we also listened to some pop music, mostly from the 90s and 2000s.  We'd sing, and sway in the music.  His swing also played lullabies.  He loved it.  It was very soothing to him.  This swing and soft sounds.  It's still hard to fathom that he's gone.  The picture above was taken in February when he was 12 weeks old... In a few months, it'll have been a full year since that picture was taken.  Who would he be then? Who would he be today?

The first months after Preston passed, I couldn't turn on the radio without bursting into tears.  It was difficult, but I made myself listen to music.  Every day, it got a little easier.  And now, I'm happy that I did it.  I suggest, that you try it too if it's still difficult.  It'll be hard at first.  Tears will be shed.  But one day, you'll see what I see.  That it's nice to hear a song that reminds me of Preston.  Whether it's because it was a song we listened to together, or it's a song with lyrics that remind me of him.  "One Sweet Day", "Iris", "In the Arms of an Angel", "Show 'Em" to name a few.  While some of these songs tug at my heart, while they manage to often make me cry, I'm thankful that I can listen to them.  It reminds me that my pain is real, it reminds me that Preston really existed.  It reminds me that others out there, hurt like I do.  And sometimes, when I hear these songs out of the blue, it just makes me hope that God, or Preston, is sending it down to me saying "I love you" and "I miss you" and "Preston's okay".

A few weeks before he passed, this ad would play for a new TV show.. I forget the name of it now, but the chorus of this one song would play, and he just always seemed so peaceful when it played.  I reckon that he really liked it.  I've tried listening to the song, but I didn't like any of it aside from the chorus (no offense meant to the singers).  But still, when I hear that chorus, I always think of Preston, and just know that he's made it to Heaven.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the world I'm coming home

Perhaps it was already in the cards, that he'd be going "home" to Heaven.  I do continue to pray and wish that he never felt pain.  And even though I still believe he was too perfect for this world of ours, they say we're all born with sin.  If that's the case, I truly believe that all has been forgiven.  Until we meet again my son.  I'll be coming home, one day too.  Forgive my sins and help me be the best I can be until then.