Positively February - Coming Soon

As March approaches more rapidly than I'd like to admit, I become more and more anxious.  I don't look forward to reaching the milestone that marks 1 year since I last held my baby boy.  I've said it many times, if I could, I would erase the date from the calendar altogether.

I'm not a magician, or omnipotent, and therefore making a day disappear is not a talent of mine.  Too bad.  That'd be pretty satisfying right about now.  As I read my friend Krystal's blog entry today, about the random acts of kindness her friends, family and strangers did to honor her twin boys on the day they were born and died, two things struck me:

One of my goals as your mother is to not let your memory be grief.

What an amazing concept.  I want that.  It sounds really difficult, but I really, really want that.  I felt awful a couple of hours ago.  I was at the doctor's office, for my Remicade treatment, and asked if they would take my blood pressure 3 times in the span of 5-10 minutes.  I applied for more insurance at work.  Because I've had and have medical issues, they asked that I fill out a couple questionnaires and the blood pressure one included having recent readings at 5-10 minute intervals... anyway, I had to explain that.  When I got the look from the nurse (who was really kind by the way) that said "you're in your 30s, why do you have blood pressure issues", I explained how I had pre-eclampsia and how my BP was abnormal for 8-10 months.  Anywho, later as she was about to stick an IV into my arm, she asked about my baby and I let her know he passed away.  The look on her face was of complete devastation - like she regretted asking.  I felt bad for being truthful.  I felt sad because I miss my son.  I felt really vulnerable too.

I am probably still a little on edge from last night.  I attended a rosary for one of my colleagues' father who passed away last week.  I wanted to be there for her, like so many people were for me when Preston passed.  I knew I couldn't attend the funeral which was today, since I had my Remicade appointment, so I attended with Jocelyn who was super nice to drive me and give me the flexibility to not go should I not feel up to it at the last minute.  The rosary was held at a funeral home, the same company, different location, that handled Preston's memorial and cremation.  That notion itself was rather difficult, but again, I really wanted to be there for my friend.  For the most part, I think I dealt with the ceremony with dignity.  I struggled with seeing the open casket, as the embalming reminded me of the last time I saw Preston.  The same pale, artificial look.  I had to look away the whole time.

There were a couple things the priest said that hit me pretty hard.  About baptism, which I hadn't taken the time to do for Preston yet.  I'd started looking into it, but probably not enough.  Brings up complicated thoughts like - Preston wasn't baptised, does that mean he didn't go to heaven?  "Unless a man be born again of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kindgom of heaven".  That's probably what struck me the most.  Praying about ascension to heaven and the kingdom of God was difficult.  I really, really want my baby boy to be there.  I really, really hope that my transgressions are forgiven and that I also get to go to heaven so that I can be with my son again.

Needless to say, a lot has been on my mind lately... as March approaches, as I try to support friends through loss.  Death is always so hard to understand, accept and live with.  Loss is just quite literally difficult however you look at it.

I guess I'm writing a novel today...  To get back to Krystal's blog entry, the next thing that stuck with me is this:

They say that it takes a village to raise a child.  I can't tell you if that is true or not (...).  But what I can tell you is this - it takes a community of people to keep a memory alive.  I cannot do it on my own.  You have all helped me to keep Conner and Benjamin alive in the hearts of so many.

So much truth exists in this statement.  I too feel that so many have helped me keep Preston's memory alive, like so many have done the same for Krystal's boys.  I'm so thankful for this.  So incredibly humbled whenever someone mentions Preston to me.  The memory of him isn't completely grief.  There is a lot of happiness when I think of Preston.  Thinking of Preston, doesn't mean I need to concentrate on the loss, or his death.  I can honor his memory by smiling, appreciating life, and helping others through difficult times or just because.

And so, if you were wondering about the title of my blog entry, here it is.  During the month of February, on as many days as possible, I'd like to share a positive thought of the day that might inspire, a positive concept that can be built on, a positive experience that gives hope, or anything else relating to positivity.  As March approaches, I'm going to need all the positivity I can get, and why not share it with as many people as I can?

I invite you to share positive thoughts of the day, concepts or experiences.  I will be sure to select some, if not all, depending on how many responses I get.  As always, you are welcome to comment via Facebook, on this blog or via email - tsunaze1@gmail.com

Hopefully, I can make it a month filled with positivism, for you, for me, for all.

Blogging

On day 11 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am thankful for the other blogs I stumbled upon during my healing journey.  The first one I read was "My Sweet Boy Josh" which painstakingly resembled my story, down to where it happened (daycare), the time of day it happened (afternoon) and many other details that I still struggle sharing.  If you read the first post of this blog, my story is very similar.  I don't feel strong enough to read it again right now.  Reading this blog, really helped me feel like I wasn't alone.  I wasn't the only mom to lose her son to SIDS, at daycare.  I wasn't alone feeling this unimaginable hollowness.  Seeing how this mom was coping, and surviving gave me hope, that I would one day be there too.

Another blog, which is a private blog, really gave me the push I needed to start my own.  This mom is so candid about the loss of her boys, Conner and Benjamin.  Her positive attitude, and how she's found a way to keep her twins incorporated in her life gave me motivations, ideas and courage to do the same.  After reading her blog for 2 weeks, I finally opted to start my own and I haven't looked back since.  It's not always easy to be so open about such raw, personal emotions.  Writing has always been a great outlet for me though, and I'm so thankful for this gift that was given to me.  I'm so thankful for the inspiration for other blogs.  Thank you Krystal.  You've really been a source of motivation.  Our journeys aren't the same, but I connect with each of your blog entries and every time, it helps make me feel less alone in this journey, it helps me see the hope that still exists.

Two other blogs I really love are "The Lewis Note", a blog written by a mom who's suffered through several miscarriages, fostering children and adoption.  Rachel's blogs are so well written, inspiring, touching.  I look forward to each new entry.  And again, our losses are different, but the pain is the same.  The void left by the children we have lost is similar.  The other is "HereComesTheSun" where Nora writes letters to Josie, the baby girl she lost.  Again, it is so eloquently written.  So honest, so touching, so relatable.  And again, this mom shows so much strength, so much willingness to survive, yet honest, true pain.

These blogs, have motivated me, has inspired me, have helped me.  These blogs have given me reason to share my feelings, write them down.  To help others.  To help myself.  To aid others, not going through such a terrible loss, get a glimpse of the pain we feel.  Help them understand how to help me, or help others going through similar grief.  While there is nothing like grieving for your child, grief is still grief.  Pain is still pain, and losing a parent, a sibling, can be just as painful for someone who hasn't lost a child.  It can be as crippling, as depressing, as difficult to survive.  Thank you to the ladies who blog about loss, who aren't afraid what others think, who aren't afraid to share their every thought.  You've touched my life, and helped me heal, a little more every day.

The colors of this arrangement made me think of Preston on my way home.  It was right outside my window as we stopped unexpectedly on the train.

 

This little friend was waiting for me to come home.

Just a Sunday

It sure was a filled Sunday, a day which was supposed to consist of only baking (and relaxing).  My day began at 8:00 something when hubby woke me up wanting to go out for breakfast.  Breakfast is certainly not my favorite meal of the day.  I don't like eggs, which are in 80% of all breakfast items.  For a long time I couldn't eat pancakes because they would just upset my intestines.  I've found it difficult to start eating foods that I couldn't have for the longest time; especially when they always caused pain.  So, I'm not the biggest fan of pancakes either...  that leaves... not much :P

But to the point, we were going to go to have breakfast, but it was at a restaurant that's about 30 minutes away.  Then, we were going to go visit our friend Charles who had invited us over to meet his new puppy.  Given that I wanted to bake for a large portion of the day, and that Brett needed to finish putting down the tile in our "front" room, we opted against going to the restaurant and just stopped for a quick breakfast at McDonald's on the way to Charles' house.  We stayed at his place for a little over an hour, I think.  We played with his new puppy, and his 1 year old son.  That little guy sure can run around now, wow.  It always makes me wonder where Preston would be at.  It doesn't make me sad, but it just makes me wonder, you know?  How many teeth would he have? What foods would he like?  Would he be saying a couple words, or be on the cusp of it?  Would he be crawling?  Regardless, I'd be proud of my little guy, and I'm proud of his best friend.  Keep it up big guy!!

When we got home, I started getting everything ready for baking cookies, only to realize I was out of vanilla.  Really?  When did that happen?  Brett had to go out to do an errand and he offered to pick some up for me.  What a lovie!  I took a little break until I remembered that I have a double oven now!  Ta-da!  I started working on getting the bread ready.  Got it in the oven just in time for the vanilla to come home for cookies and with my in-laws!  They were in the neighborhood having closed on the new house this week.  Wanted to scope out the place more carefully before it's rented out and they can't come and go as they please.  A few hours later, several batches of cookies and 2 loaves of bread were ready.  One loaf, already gone and eaten! That was fast! lol

This is the cheddar-apple loaf.  It feels like it's missing something, but I can't quite put my finger on it.  Others seem to disagree since one loaf has already been eaten.  The cookies are, believe it or not, cholesterol free! Or so says the recipe.  I'll take its word for it!  They are a little crunchier than what I was hoping for.  Hopefully the two slices of bread I put in a Ziploc bag with the cookies helps soften them up.  It's worked in the past.

A lot went on today, yet it doesn't feel like the day flew by.  There was a walk today for angels.  A walk to remember, where you walk to honor your little one that has passed on.  I really wanted to go, but felt unprepared.  Unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster that would go on in my mind.  Unprepared because I didn't have any signs, hadn't invited anyone, hadn't raised any funds to help the organization that organizes this annual walk.  It's organized by the same organization which holds the monthly support group I attend.  Hopefully next year.  I want to do everything I can to honor my little boy and felt guilty for not being prepared for this day.  Hopefully this guilt is just something temporary.

I did read something inspiring today though.  This one mama  has two angels, Conner and Benjamin.  I've been reading her blog and it actually helped me find the inspiration to start my own blog.  I'm so thankful for it too, because it has really helped with my healing process.  So, thank you Krystal!  Back to how she recently inspired me.  On every 10th of the month, she celebrates the birth of her two boys instead of grieving their loss.  Like this week, she and her husband went out to breakfast and she ordered orange juice for them, since it was something she craved during her pregnancy with the twins, but it's something she usually can't stand.  So sweet!  I didn't really have any cravings with Preston, but he would move a lot when I had pizza.  Perhaps the 19th will forever now be pizza night.  Another small way I can honor and remember my son.  Not all gestures have to be large.  Not all gestures have to involve the world.  Some can be just between me and him, and his dad.  We miss you little man.  Hope you could smell the cookies and bread mama baked today.  Did you flap your little wings around to come down to smell baked goods for a few minutes?

PS. I was also going to make a hot milk sponge cake but I couldn't find my cake pan and remembered that I packed it away when I emptied the china cabinet.  The cake will have to wait.