Forget me not

A snow storm is brewing. Or so they say.  I believed it as I was driving home and large grey clouds filled the sky above me.  Raindrops even made an appearance.  As I sit in my living room typing, I can see the brightness of the sun shine through the window shades.  It's almost blinding.

The news and weather channels still show snow in the forecast.  I thought it was supposed to start this evening, and turn to snow during the night, but it seems that rain will turn to snow tomorrow afternoon.  Two to five inches is the prediction.

The anticipated accumulation of snow urged me to take a look at the garden in the front of the house.  Perhaps the tulips and mystery flowers (which my aunt speculates may just be a different type of tulip) had grown flowers.  They had not.  However, there was one tiny, lonely and bright purple flower.  Forget-me-not.  I guess the seeds I planted late last Fall are actually growing.  I smiled.  I'm so happy I went to look at the garden... or I might have missed this precious little flower.  This little flower that most likely will be gone by the time I get home from work tomorrow.

For years, I was not a huge fan of snow storms.  I don't like the cold.  I don't like scraping ice and snow off my car.  Things change.  Preston passed on what felt like a Spring day but it was the end of Winter.  The snow that fell last Spring brought me solace.  The storms filled me with a sense of calmness.  The unexpected blizzard on Mother's Day felt like a clear sign from my son and gave me a new appreciation for snow and for Spring weather.

This bright little flower being present today, when it wasn't yesterday, is a brand new sign.  A sign from my little boy, sending me a little hello.  A message from my son saying:

Mama, forget me not.  I may not send signs very often anymore but I'm here.  I'm around always.  When you have doubts about the signs I send, and when you wholeheartedly believe in them.  I live in your heart through pure and true love.  I reside in your mind through wonderful memories.

Mama, forget me not.  Your life goes on without me in your arms and it's probably still hard to fathom.  Your life gets busy, I know.  Despite all that, I hope that you think of me every day - no matter whether it's raining, snowing or whether the sun is shining.

Mama, forget me not.  The season for snow is fading away slowly, but bunnies and rainbows are just around the corner.  I promise to send as many as I can.

Mama, forget me not.  I didn't want to leave the way I did.  I've got perfect angel wings now, and I promise to try and help you spread more happiness in the world.   

Fear not my love, my sweet P.  Mama could never forget you.  Not even for a minute <3

Positively February: Day 20

"I realize now more than ever that the most valuable commodity in life is the feeling you get when you give.  Compassion is the currency that leads to true wealth."  - Jim Carrey

I wanted a funny quote so I thought, Jim Carrey!  There's not many people who are funnier in the world.  Well, I didn't find what I was looking for.  No funny quote.  Just this beautiful one.

To give.  I've always been more a giver than a receiver.  I'm not big on materials.  When it comes to the frivolous, I like my TV shows and my computer and I don't need much else.  I enjoy the occasional clothes shopping binge, I won't lie.  Really though, I've always enjoyed seeing the smile on someone else's face when they receive something - be it big or small.

I've learned in this past year though, that to give doesn't necessarily mean to buy something for someone, or to shower someone with gifts.  You can give your attention and your time.  You can offer words of comfort, or just an ear to listen.  You can give a hug, which can be so needed sometimes.  Really hugs have turned my day around.

I've received so much love and support.  I still receive it.  I try, when possible, to give back whenever possible.  I try to share my experiences for that very reason.  Putting my feelings, my recollections, my personal thoughts out there for anyone to read.. it might just help someone!  The comfort, the encouragements and the support I've received, I feel has turned me into such an Empath.  I have so much compassion for what others are feeling.  I'm still learning how to express it, but I feel the pain of others so easily now.  I understand, even though I'm not there, even though it's not my battle, even though it's not my pain.

It's changed me.  Preston's changed me.  Losing him has changed me.  For the worse?  Probably in some ways.  I'm more scared of certain things, yet I'm fearless in other ways.  I'm more sensitive, yet have a tougher shell.  I'm indifferent to the pettiness that exists around me, yet I'm more compassionate than ever when it comes to what my friends are feeling, what my family is going through, what people I've met along this journey live with every day.

And I do feel richer for it.

And when all else fails, and I do need a laugh after all - "Everytime I'm sad, I imagine a T-Rex trying to put a hat on"

Positively February: Day 14

"Do all things with love." - Og Mandino

Valentine's Day is a bittersweet day for me.  3 years ago, it was confirmed that I'd had a missed miscarriage on this very day.  That is, our baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks, when I should have been 9 weeks along.  I remember the emotions.  I remember the deep pain and broken dreams.  There would be no pain, loss of dreams or sorrow without love, and this simple fact brings me a lot of peace.

My husband is the sweetest.  For Valentine's he got me two Pandora (charm bracelet) spacers, which are multicolored and sparkle in the light.  Rainbows if you will.  And rainbows bring a smile to my face, and remind me of my son, Preston - my rainbow baby.

And now, we watch "Hockey Night in Canada" on the NHL network.  What a wonderful day this turned out to be after all.

As for today's quote, I think if we can do as it says, all things in love, our lives will be enriched.  We will smile more.  Is it possible to do everything with love? Probably not.  But we can most likely do, a lot more.  Worth a try right?

Positively February: Day 13

"Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate."

We easy fall into the trap of wishing the opposing team to losing, whatever spot we are watching.  For example, I've disliked many hockey teams for a long time - the Bruins and the Flyers to name a couple.  Do I really have a reason for disliking these teams, aside from the rivalry that exists with my favorite team?  Perhaps not a really good one.  Boston and Philadelphia's team use a lot of physical plays which I don't necessarily enjoy, but that does not mean that every player on that team isn't trying the best they can to succeed.

My husband has shown me that with baseball, he never really cheers for a team to lose.  And when I think about it really hard, he's right, it isn't nice to wish bad upon others, even if that "bad" is just that they lose a hockey or baseball game.  Rather, cheer for a team, a player.  Egg them on and encourage them.  Just like you'd like people to treat you throughout your every day life.  After all, they are working and they have stress and self-esteem too.  What does booing really accomplish aside than tell a someone that they aren't liked?

If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all.

Life is so short.  Don't spend your time spreading negative energy.  There's enough of it going around already.  Rather, encourage those you love.  Cheer for your favorites.  Spread a little happiness.  You just never know who's day you might be making.

PS. If you can keep my uncle in your prayers for the next week or so.  He's to have open heart surgery soon.  Thank you <3

Positively February: Day 2

"What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose.  All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller

I found this quote not long after we lost Preston.  It brought me a lot of comfort and with time, I've come to truly embrace it because I find it to be very true.  Preston lives in my heart and he is forever a part of me.

Love works in mysterious ways.  It blindsides us.  It overwhelms us.  It makes us whole.

We suffer heartbreaks.  They can bring us to our knees.  They can take the breath out of our lungs.  A heartbreak can shatter our whole world.  Trust me, heartbreaks do exist and not just in love songs.

But the thing is, Helen Keller is right.  Relationships have a way of changing you, of shaping who you are as a person.  At least, this holds true for people you love and respect.  You want to be the best you can be for them.  You learn from them, and strive to be like them.

I probably sounds weird that I strive to be like a 16 week old baby, my son.  Yes, a part of me does strive to be more like him.  I strive to find that pure happiness that my son had.  I strive to not let things upset me so easily.  Not much made him cranky or upset.  I strive to continue learning, like he did every day.  I strive to not worry what others may think, he sure didn't.  I strive to share that happiness that resonated from him because I really FEEL like that is something he would want me to do.

So read Helen Keller's words.  Read them several times.  Let them sink in.  Know that no matter when you may have lost your baby, he or she is with you always.  Simply because, our babies, are forever a part of us and they will live on in our hearts forever.

Outpouring of love & support

I was contacted by two ladies I've met on the BBC boards and read their messages.  There was a mom who'd just lost her infant, and they felt like I'd be a good resource for her, and that it'd be a fabulous idea if I could reach out to her.  Of course I did so as soon as possible because I know all too well how difficult this journey is.  How alone you can feel even when you are surrounded.  How you try and recalculate everything you did to see if you could have done something differently.  How you are forced into making decisions you never imagined you'd have to make. A funeral.  Burial or cremation.  Do I want to hold my baby again or should I stay away because he/she won't look the same and it might ruin the memory of your child.  All decisions I had to make.  All decisions I had to make at the lowest point in my life.

When I connected to the forum thread about this mother losing her son Archer, I was floored.  I was absolutely bewildered in amazement by how much love and support this mom was receiving - on a non-loss forum.  Pages and pages of supporting comments, outpourings of love and women helping this mother through the absolutely worse time of her life.  Hugs.

Virtual or not, support can be so powerful.  It can lift you up and help you through the wild waves of grief.  While no one experiences grief the same, while all experiences are unique, while we are all on our own journeys, support can make such a difference.  This thread, where hundreds have replied to this mama's cry for help, and thousands have hugged this sweet soul, is a sign of what I've hoped to see since losing Preston in March.  The silence is breaking around losing babies.  It's less taboo.  It's talked about.  Perhaps there is hope for us not to be shunned because our stories are too sad.  There is hope that we will not be sequestered from future happy events.  Hope does float.

In the last couple of days, I've posted a couple times in this thread, in the hopes of letting this mom know that she is not alone going through this horrible journey.  I don't know that I've touched her, but something pretty amazing happened.  My blog went from 50-100 views daily, to 3500+ in the last two days.  A couple of people reached out to me.  One made my day yesterday - I got my long awaited sign from Preston:

"artisticdevelopment" writes:

...at lunch today the window of your blog popped back up on my phone with a picture of Preston smiling zoomed to the full screen. I don't remember doing that! I felt like he was saying "Hey! What do I have to do to get your attention! Write to my mommy!" I'm terrible at typing on my phone but I didn't want to waste any more time so I'm writing you now. I wish I had something eloquent to say but the best I can do is Preston was beautiful and he sure printed himself on my heart. Xoxo.

Just wow.  I cried.  I smiled.  My heart skipped a beat.  2014 has been a challenging year to say the least.  It started off so great... the best 9-10 weeks of my life.  I'd thought 2012 was a sucky year... Boy was I wrong.  I'm not sad to see 2014 go away, but at the same time, I did have some very happy moments.  As almost everything is in my life now, it's bittersweet.

Basically, all this to say, don't underestimate the power of love and support.  It can do magical things, as can positive attitudes, but that's a little difficult to have when you've lost part of yourself.  So thank you to all who are support Archer's mama.  To all that are supporting Evan's mama.  You are truly making a difference, even if you can't see it.  Those first few months are fuzzy, blurry and foggy.  I don't remember them well.  Re-reading my early blog entries and totally don't recall writing them.  Thank you for supporting them, and continuing to do so.  Thank you for helping break the silence.  Thank you, for your compassion.  Dare I say, thank you from all grieving mamas.