SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 5

SpreadHappinessForPreston is turning 5 on November 19, 2018.  If you are unfamiliar with this event, it’s something I created 5 years ago to honor my son, Preston, who passed away (SIDS) when he was 16 weeks old.  November 19th is his birthday.

This annual event is one where I encourage people to complete acts of kindness to make this day as happy as can be around the world.  Preston’s memory has travelled all over the world reaching far-away places like South Africa, a place I don’t have any family or friends.  I have connected with a lot of people from all over the world through a blog (spreadhappinessforpreston.blogspot.com) that I wrote during my first years as a bereaved mom.  It’s amazing the connections you can make with people when grieving so heavily.

I’ve always said that Preston embodied happiness.  He always smiled and hardly ever fussed.  I still carry all his smiles with me, and they continue to brighten up my days.  For this reason, I think it’s just so fitting to try to make as many people smile as possible.

We’ve since been blessed with Preston’s baby sister, Samantha (Sami), who will be turning 3 in December.  She brings us so much happiness and is the light of our lives.  But Preston is never forgotten, and always on our minds.  I hope that you find a place for him in yours, and join SpreadHappinessForPreston as it, and Preston turns 5. 

May it bring a smile to your face as you complete an act (or acts if you are so inclined) of kindness.  Remember that making someone smile, can be as simple as giving them a hug, sharing happy memories, or letting someone go in front of you at the grocery store.

Happiness is like jam.  You can’t spread even a little without getting some on yourself. – Anonymous

Thank you in advance for your participation, it means the absolute world to me to share my son and his memory with you.  If you are so inclined to share your acts of kindness on social media, please use #SpreadHappinessForPreston …I know it’s a mouthful. :)  Or you may share them with me via email (my personal email is tsunaze1@gmail.com or on my blog’s Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston.

Have a blessed day and Thanksgiving!

Sincerely,

~Cat

Rainbowless days

I received this beautiful hand made card and dish when I returned from our trip in October.  It brought tears to my eyes, with how kind this gesture was.  "Spread Happiness" which has been Preston's mission.  When he was born, he brought so much happiness to this family.  And now that he is in Heaven, he is spreading happiness everywhere his story goes.  I'm so thankful that his spirit lives on within everyone that allows him in.

The card warmed my heart, as did the little rainbow dish.  Rainbows truly can be anywhere.  As Winter nears, the rainbows we see in the sky, will probably not make an appearance until Spring.  I consider myself lucky though, because I have this rainbow dish to remind me that Preston is all around me.  I also have a rainbow catcher, which I have yet to figure out where to hang up.  I have rainbow pasta in the pantry.  I have many pictures to look at, and memories to hold on to.

Once the leaves have fallen off the trees, the colors of nature appear to become muted.  The bright green grass of Summer, is now a pale brownish yellow color.  The leaves that remain in the trees are now brown.  The bushes are bare, the daylight is not as strong, and it's lifespan is short.  Flowers are now dormant.  Winter will bring blankets of pure white.  And while I've often found myself complaining about snow, I now welcome the purity that it represents.  I may not look forward to brushing snow off my car, and scraping ice off the windows, and even less driving on icy streets, but I look forward to the serenity that it will bring.  It will sure brighten things up, up until it melts again.

For the days without rainbows, there will always be smiles.  I will forever be comforted by stories of kindness from one person to another.  How touched I was today when I received an email from a neighbor for a request for #SpreadHappinessForPreston cards.  His birthday might have already passed, but people are still wanting to spread some happiness, much like Kimm did with this card she sent me a month ahead of Preston's birthday.  

Blinded

I have to start off by saying, thank you Taylor, for sending me a super sweet message through BBC.  Taylor shared with me the following:

I had to share that on my way to Target today, I passed a magnificent field of sunflowers and immediately thought of Preston. I really had no reason to as I was just going over my grocery list in my head, but the thought of him after seeing those flowers brought a big smile to my face today. I just wanted you to know. Thank you for sharing your precious boy. Sending thoughts of comfort, healing and peace. Have a wonderful day, Taylor ps-I will be spreading some happiness for Preston not only Nov. 19, but as often as I can. 

How powerful it can be when someone reaches out with something so purely thoughtful and kind.  This made my whole day, even if it wasn't a bad day.  This just brought warmth to my heart.  It made me smile.  It made me proud of my son for making an impact on the world with his beautiful smile.  He was such a gift to me, to my family.  And I'm realizing more and more that he was a gift to the world.

I was just on Facebook and I realized I had "Other" messages.  Three moms who had reached out to me in September and October.  I feel blind for not noticing before.  How can that be?  I feel disappointment in myself for not noticing sooner.  But I have reached out now, and I hope that all is well.  What's interesting is that I noticed this on the same day I received email where I was being reached out to.  One lady has a relative who just lost an infant.  Another lost her son, and now has a close friend who has lost her daughter to SIDS.  I hope that I am somehow able to help these families with my writing, with sharing my experience, but also by reaching out myself.  Like Taylor did for me.  Like others who have reached out in the past, others who reach out on a daily basis.  I am reaching out because I know how powerful that can be.  How much of an impact it can make.  I reach out, because I genuinely care.  I care about making this journey a little less painful for others walking down this lonely dark path.

We all know someone who's lost somebody special.  Whether it be a parent, or sibling.  An aunt or uncle, cousin or grandparent.  A child.  A best friend.  Should you be thinking about them, or their loved one, let them know.  It can be such a wonderful exchange.  Share the why you were thinking about them.  Or simply say, "I thought of your mom today" or "I saw a butterfly today, and it made me think of you and your baby".  Or, "I know today is a tough day for you, and I want you to know that I'm thinking about you."

These things are so simple, and can brighten up someone's day.  Someone's tough day.  Or even like me today - someone's day that was not a bad one, but that all of a sudden, became one of the brightest days in a long time.  And I think, that warrants a Preston picture.  Spread that smile by sweet P.  Show the world, what a smile can do.  Or stick your tongue out, that works too.

My hubby

Day 2 of 30 days of gratitude

I am so thankful for my husband.  Our journey is not the typical one.  We didn't first meet in person.  We didn't get set-up.  We didn't meet on a dating website.  We did meet online, but neither of us was looking for a relationship.  When we first "met" I was actually in a relationship, but he became a good friend and it was always nice to talk to him.

We decided to see where things could go in the summer of 2006.  We were both single, and just had a good rapport.  We sent each other messages online every day, and talked on the phone for at least an hour every night.  It really helped us have a great communication basis.  And while, I still have an easier time expressing myself in writing, I know that I can tell him anything.  So not only did the strong communication give us a good base, it also established a lot of trust.  The distance also helped establish that trust.  You can imagine that living 3000 miles apart for a year and a half (11 months of it being married) can either make or break you.  If there's no trust, there's no way the relationship will work.

And so, 8 years after we started dating, and 7 years into our married life, we are still going strong.  Don't get me wrong, we've had our bumps in the road, but whatever life throws at us, I think it usually makes us stronger.

But enough about my marriage, I want to talk about my husband.  If you know my husband, you probably know that he's not the most patient person in the world.  However, you have to know that he's patient with me.  He's had to deal with the ups and downs of my health and he's been there through thick and thin.  He's had to make hard decisions when I was too out of it to make any kind of decision.  He's been patient with allowing me to heal after losing Preston.  We both want children really badly, and I think he's been ready to try again for a while, but I haven't.  And he's patient with me.  No pressure.  I just know where he's at, and he knows that when I'm ready, I will let him know.  He's been patient with my needing to figure out my own working out routine.  I know he wants to help, but for me to stick with it, I need to find my own motivation or I'll just give up in a few weeks.  I know he struggles with this because he always wants to help, but, I think he's been so patient giving me this space to figure things out.

Brett is a very generous person.  He's always willing to give a helping hand, or a shoulder to cry on.  He's a great listener and on top of being generous with his time, he's very handy.  He can do just about anything.  He just finished tiling a room in our house - all by himself.  He's fixed the steps in our backyard, built me a garden, fixed the stairs for our deck, and countless other things.  Who needs hired help when you've got this guy around? :)

 

 

My husband is really smart; the smartest person I've met.  I am always amazed at the amount of stuff he knows.  He's really good at explaining things, without beating around the bush.. and if it's too complicated, he always has another way of explaining it.  He's a history buff, and a human calculator.  He loves learning more and more and often watches shows to enrich his knowledge.  He's smart about knowing how to take care of himself by knowing how much to eat, what not to eat... not that he always succeeds... 2 whole pizzas anyone? ;)

 

He has a wonderful sense of humor.  He's been able to make me laugh almost every day.  He loves comedy, so there's usually something funny on TV when I get home from work, or he has a funny anecdote or story.  He often calls me at work when one of the cats does something funny.  For example, this week, our cat Acro, sneaked into the pantry.  Whenever we leave the door open, he'll sneak in there and make a hole in his food bag.  Well the bag is near empty and there's a hole the size of his head... so he got his head stuck in it and was running around the house trying to figure out how to get it off.  Funny story, and it made me smile.  So thankful that he thinks to call me to tell me fun stuff like that.

 

Brett's always in a good mood and it's contagious.  While, these past 5 months have been very difficult, he still manages to find a reason to smile and it's inspired me to do the same.  Inspired me to want to share my son, and try to spread more happiness around the globe to honor my son (and husband - I know he gets his smile from his dad).    He's a great source of inspiration for me.  While we certainly don't grieve the same, no one does, and I think we both take away different things from our personal journeys.  I'm thankful that he is by my side during this terrible journey.  I'm thankful that he's strong, and I'm thankful that he can show his emotions when he needs me to be strong.

 

He's a good looking guy to boot!  Wonderful blue eyes, Preston had his dad's eyes.  They turned grey just like his do.  He's strong and has great features.  I am one lucky girl :)

 

 

 

To my best friend, my husband, my second half - thank you for all that you are.  Thank you for always being there for me.  We've had a lot of lows, but I know we will survive this like we've survived all other obstacles.  Preston would be proud of how good of a person you are.  Love you forever.

Baked goods

The smell of fresh baked cookies, cinnamon, pumpkin spice, apples.  Just thinking about these sweet smells I can faintly sense their odor.  Someone I know posted pictures of cookies she baked today and just gave me inspiration to want to bake this weekend.  What to bake, I haven't decided.  Maybe an apple pie, or streusel?  A variety of cookies?  A cake?  Some bread?

There are so many baked goodies out there!  What to choose, what to choose...  The nice thing is, this makes me look forward to the weekend.  It's a plan without having a plan.  Plus, baking is happy if nothing else - but thankfully it's also delicious!

What would have Preston liked?  Chocolate chip cookies?  Gingersnaps?  Ice cream cake?  Fresh baked bread?  Brett says he'd like chocolate chip cookies, no contest.  Chocolate chip cookies it is!

What's your favorite baked good?  Does the smell of fresh baked cookies bring a smile to your face?

Humbled

I felt really humbled last night.  I felt humbled as I realized just how much Preston has made an impact on other people's lives.  I felt proud of how much his little life has brought a ray of sunshine into the lives of my friends and family.  I am one proud mama.

We were on our way to poker when we saw a very faint rainbow, but nonetheless, it made me think of Preston.  As hubby didn't quite understand the meaning of a "rainbow baby", I explained to him that I think that babies who are conceived after a loss, are like a rainbow after a storm.  It's a symbol of hope.  Preston was a rainbow baby and he loved colors so it feels natural for rainbows to remind me of my son.

After I posted the picture of the faint rainbow on Facebook, I received several notifications from friends where I had been tagged in a rainbow picture.  Jamie, Tina and Jon, thank you for sharing that the rainbows you saw made you think of Preston.  It really means so much to me to be a witness to how my baby continues to live on through my thoughts and especially, so many people's thoughts.  It means a lot to me that you hold him close to your heart, and in return you are holding Brett and I close to you as well.

This isn't the first time I've been witness to how others think of Preston when they see a rainbow, or bunnies.  Sherri has sent me a rainbow picture, as has Cynthia.  Dana has sent me pictures of a bunny.  I've been witness to Charles pointing to a rainbow saying, "Preston", while Kate says, "where's the bunny?".

To many people, it might sound silly, but to me, it really sunk in yesterday that you guys really do think of Preston and remember him and smile when you see a rainbow and bunnies.  Many people might say, well rainbows and bunnies are everywhere, it's not really a "sign".  That thought actually crosses my mind all the time.  But you know what, it is a sign.  It is a sign that he is living on through all of us.  It is a sign that his life really is spreading happiness around the world.  It is a sign, that there was a beautiful purpose to his life even if it was cut incredibly short.  It is a sign that, as long as we are willing, he will be there to remind us, that while life can be difficult, there's always something to smile amount.

All this was reinforced by this little feather on our deck this morning.  Beautiful, little white feather... like that from a tiny angel.  Thank you all for keeping Preston close to your heart. <3

Was that you?

Preston, was that you, my sweet little boy, when I looked down to write something at work a few weeks ago when I saw a bright light for a second by my fingers?  It was only for a moment but my first instinct was to think of you.

Was that you, my sweet P, this morning, when I was backing out of the drive-way and saw a bunny standing vigil on the right side of the house, and as I turned to the other side to ensure the coast was clear, there was another bunny standing vigil on the left side of the house?

Was that you, my ray of sunshine, when I caught a glimpse of a really bright light through the patio door, just a few hours ago, as the storm was moving away from our house?

Was that you, my little boy, on Mother's Day, when we got one of the biggest snow storms of the year?  I really wanted to stay home that day and didn't want to go anywhere.  Home is where I feel closest to you.

Was that you, my sweetie pie, who offered me rainbows on days when I seemed to need it most?

Was that you, my lovey dovey, who sent me a meaningful song on Pandora, right before Mother's Day (Song For Mama).  And other days, was that you, when several songs in a row played one after the other, reminding me of you?  Whether because I sang them to you, or because when I would hear them they would make me think of you?

Was that you, my happy baby, who sent my aunt a dream telling her my grand-mere was watching over you?   And was that you, who was in my friend's dream, when she never got the pleasure of meeting you?

Was that you, when we received a gift from our insurance company for referring someone else to them, who sent a dime on the back of their business card?  Finding dimes are supposed to be a sign from a passed loved one.

Is it you, Preston, who somehow lifts me up enough to keep going, even when it feels like part of me is forever gone?  Is it you, who gives me a reason to smile every day, when it would be totally understandable if I never wanted to smile again?  Is it you, who gives me this inspiration to want to help others, by sharing my true feelings, thoughts, emotions?  Is it you, who gives me motivation to be a better person, work hard and live life to the fullest?  Is it you, who has brought a lot of people closer to me, and made me feel really loved and cared about?

I wish I truly knew the answer to all those questions.  I wish I could ask you, ask God, and have you or Him answer me back.  But, that's not how faith works and that makes it incredibly difficult.

Since I did instantly think of you when all those things happened, deep inside, I do believe it was you.  Maybe I only think that way because it gives me a reason to continue to feel close to you.  Maybe I believe it because it gives me a reason to want to see tomorrow and hope that I get a sign from you.  Maybe, even if I'm not entirely sure of my faith, I have more faith than I realize.

Whatever the truth is, my exceptionally special little one, you changed my life forever.  When you entered it and when you left it.  You made me a better person.  You made me more caring, more understanding, and somehow more patient.  You made me more brave and strong.  You made me understand empathy to a whole new level.  You made me appreciate everything around me so much more.  You made me a mama, something no one will ever be able to take that away from me.

Games

 

I've always enjoyed games.  Playing computer games is probably one of my earliest memories.  We had an Apple II computer with hundreds of games.  The ones I remember the most are Qbert, Ms Pac-Man, Lode Runner, Conan, Montezuma's Revenge... I think there was one called Lock N Lock?  I had a lot of fun playing these games and learning how to use a computer.

Once our Apple II computer stopped working, my dad got a (work) laptop.  It was bulky, heavy, and thick.  I'm pretty sure that's the computer I first played Civilization on.  Awesome game if you've never played it.  It's probably one of the strategy games I've enjoyed the most.  Adventure games were also a type of game I enjoyed.  I enjoyed the linear storylines though it got frustrating when you just couldn't figure out the next part of the puzzle!  I enjoyed the King's Quest series and the Hero's Quest first installment.  There are others I'm sure I'm not thinking about.

I bought my first computer with money I made babysitting.  It was a Celeron 333mhz.  Really fast at that time.  It was great! I got to play games in my room when I wanted, and also got to use it for my school papers.  I was also really proud to have been able to make such a large purchase.  I must have been 13 or 14 when I bought it.  Time escapes me.. I suppose I could have been 12...

If you've read my blog, or know me well, you know I played World of Warcraft for a long time.  I first played a hunter.  I found it appealing since I'd played a rogue when playing Diablo (and a rogue was more of an archer in Diablo).  I also liked the fact that you could have a pet who would help you in combat.  As the game is ever changing, the hunter was modified so much that I didn't enjoy it anymore. So, I changed my main character to a priest who I named Tsunaze.  I was actually hoping to name her Tsunade, after a character from the Naruto manga.  Yes, I'm a geek, you can say it :P.  Tsunade is a ninja; a really powerful healing ninja.  But since the name was unavailable, I tweaked it and Tsunaze was born.  In World of Warcraft, the priest can be a spellcaster who uses shadow spells to harm enemy targets or can be a powerful healer who will keep the team alive during encounters with monsters.  I made Tsunaze a healer and rather enjoyed it for a long time.  I liked the thought of "healing" or helping others.  I haven't played in a while.  I played quite a bit after Preston passed as it kept my mind occupied, but I felt I needed to be more productive and haven't played in months.  Perhaps once winter comes around I'll start to play again for a little bit.

I did meet my husband playing World of Warcraft.  Our characters can be seen below.  That was what they looked like in 2007.  I'll have to get new screenshots, they look so different now.

Board games and card games are also something I enjoy.  Brett and I play poker about once a month with our friends.  I haven't won in forever, which is frustrating.  Once the tiling renovation is completed, I'm hoping to have people over for a game night.  I feel pretty embarrassed by the state of our carpet right now to have people over.  No matter how much I try to vacuum, it's now to a point where nothing can really make it look better.

I enjoyed playing games with Preston.  He rather enjoyed "this little piggy" when he was about 10-12 weeks old.  He would coo, and laugh in his own little way, since he hadn't quite mastered it yet.  In the last couple weeks he was alive, I would blow on his belly and he would giggle like crazy.  I found a new game just about a week before we said goodbye.  I would pull my tongue out at him and make funny sounds.  I never heard him laugh harder and louder.  It was the best sound in the world.  I think he was starting to get the hang of it too, as he would pull his tongue out constantly, wanting to copy his mama.

I miss your giggles, and your smiles.  I miss your constant kicks and your starting to learn what your hands were capable of.  I miss your coos, and your cries.  I miss how upset you would be when you were wet.  I miss the pure joy you brought me.  However, I cherish all these things and will do so for the rest of my life.  These memories, the games we played, even if they were few, help pull me through each day.  Games remind me to have fun, even when it can seem like an impossible task.  Games, remind me of your smile, and remind me that I should smile too, if only to honor your short sweet life.