Fundraising event in the comfort of your own home - August 1, 10:30am MST

Good evening friends and family,

Through my blogging, I made a good friend in Rachel Lewis, who is a manager with Arbonne.  Through the art of the internet, networking has become quite popular and we are collaborating with the following online (in the comfort of your own home) fundraiser on Saturday, August 1: Cat's Arbonne Fundraiser for the SIDS Foundation.  The event is at 10:30am MST (12:30pm EST)

I've always told myself that I never want to make a profit in sharing Preston's story, my story.  If I write a book one day, I've promised myself to ensure all the proceeds go to a SIDS related charity.  Since this is for charity, I feel less troubled in sharing this event with you.  Additionally, I've never been one to like mixing friends/family and money, but given that if 5 people attend this event, 100% of the proceeds will be donated to the SIDS Foundation of America (in Preston's name), I feel that as the parent to a child who has passed from SIDS/unexplained causes, it's my duty to try.

Please note that there is no pressure, and that I will be in no way upset if you can't or don't want to attend.  However, if you are curious about Arbonne products, if you like Arbonne products, or if you have questions about the Arbonne products, I encourage you to attend.  Especially since the result could mean more money for research into SIDS.

Should you be interested, please see the details below.  As far as we know, whether you are in Canada, the US, Australia, the UK or Poland, this event should work for you.  You'll be able to login on your computer (or smartphone!) through a website called www.zoom.us.

Thank in advance for considering :)

Best regards,

~Cat

The return of Jake

I've discussed in the past how soap operas sometimes create a story around difficult subjects.  One of those being death, but more specifically, the death of a baby or child.  I know GH did it back in the early 90s, when they told the story of B.J.'s being involved in a drunk driver accident.  Amidst the peak of their grief, her parents make the painful decision to donate their daughter's organs, one of which, her heart, is transplanted into her ailing cousin.  From what I've seen through my years of watching GH, it's one of the stories that was played out with the most heart.  I don't recall seeing it back when I was in my early teens, but I've seen several flashbacks, and just wow.

Since then, I've seen several other storylines involving the tragic death of a child.  Sam's daughter Lila being stillborn.  Elizabeth losing her 3 year old son Jake, after he was hit by a drunk driver, his own (adoptive) grandfather Luke Spencer.  Similar to B.J.'s story, his parents donated one of his kidneys to save Carly's daughter Josslyn, who was suffering from cancer.  And most recently, the death of Gabriel, Sabrina and Patrick's son who was born too early.

If you would have asked me 10 years ago, I probably would have told you that I appreciate this kind of story.  Perhaps that makes me sound morbid, but the tragedy brings out exceptional acting.  It makes the characters more human.  And at the same time, it makes the viewers feel more human.  You react to these stories and you react pretty intensely.

Almost a year and a half after losing my son, I have a different opinion.  I admire the writers for trying to tell these stories.  These stories that no one really wants to hear about.  Most fans are outraged when a baby or child is killed off in a soap opera.  But you know what?  This happens in real life! Be outraged about that!  Be so outraged that as a society, we do something about it.  More research needs to be done; on why so many stillbirths still happen, on what causes SIDS.

Use these stories to see how you can help grieving parents.  You might say, there isn't much that can be done, but support goes a long, long way.  Just being there to listen, can make a huge difference.


I finally caught up by watching all my backlogged DVRed episodes of General Hospital.  I must say, I was pretty excited to do so, as they brought back some fan favorites as they close out a story which will result in the departure of Luke Spencer, as his portrayer, Anthony Geary, retires.  One of these fan favorites, Jonathan Jackson, who played Luke Spencer's son, Lucky, for several years.  He's now a regular on Nashville, and so I knew his return would be for a very limited period of time.

The scenes between fictional father and son did not disappoint.  Part of the storyline, let's just say it completely caught me off guard.

It turns out that Lucky found out that his son, Jake, was alive - held captive on Cassadine island by Helena.  With Helena, everything is possible.  With his legendary parents, Luke and Laura, at his side, they rescued Jake, who is now 8, and brought him home to an incredulous Elizabeth.  Oh how envious I was of her.  I was just as flabbergasted as she was when they first showed his face on the screen.  They have one of the twins that played him 5 years ago, playing him now.  Unmistakable that it's the same little boy.

All those emotions, and thoughts that crossed her mind - I felt them as I watched the story unfold.  Not wanting to let him out of her sight.  I feel like I'm not going to want to let my baby-to-be out of my sight, however unrealistic that sounds.   Feeling like it's not real.  I often still feel like this pregnancy isn't real.  It's hard to wrap my head around it, even 18 weeks in.

Whatever the case may be, I tip my hat to General Hospital.  Thank you for telling stories that aren't always easy to share.  Thank you for making me feel like I'm not totally empty inside.  I may have been so shell shocked, that my own son, Preston's death left me finding it hard to cry, but you help me rediscover that I'm not heartless.  One of the most difficult realizations for me was the guilt I'd feel when I wasn't able to cry over my own loss.  It felt horrible.  I felt like maybe my love for my son wasn't enough.  Living out someone else's story, makes me realize that I'm just too close to my own story, sometimes, to feel the intense emotions.  My heart tries to spare me.

Keep on doing what you are doing for as long as you can.  Maybe, one day, we'll see a SIDS story.  It would be a very difficult story to watch, but I am confident, that it might help put the word out there, that this is still a serious problem and that something needs to be done about it.

Surviving what should be ordinary events

There are events that you know you will attend one day.  And when you think of them, you foresee enjoying the experience, with loved ones surrounding you.  You don't think about how you will make it through.  It doesn't even come to mind to think about if you'll even be able to bear a minute of it.

Events such as barbecues, birthday parties, baby showers, weddings, meeting a new baby, and even just a gathering of friends.  It's the middle of July, and as summer always does, the occurrence of such events has been by the handful.  For more than a month's time, it seemed like every week was filled with such events.

As a grieving parent, there's a tough balance to find.  You want to be there for your family and friends, but a big part of you just wants to run away and hide.  Hide from the babies.  Hide from the blissful and innocent happiness.  Hide from what could have been but isn't.

After losing Preston, I had to adopt a new philosophy when it comes to such events.  At this point in my life, I don't know if it's a way of life that will stay with me forever, or if it will one day go away completely.  As with most things, my humble guess is that the answer lies somewhere in the middle.  What is this philosophy you ask? I've probably mentioned it but here it is:  Have the intention of attending, but allow yourself to leave at any point in time, even if that moment is when you are halfway to your destination.

I realize that it probably sounds rather selfish.  Thing is, I've had to make the decision to not care whether it does or not.  It's what I have to do.  It's part of my survival.  It's probably part of the survival of many grieving parents.  Sometimes, I just have to do what's right for me.

I have to say though, most of the time, I've done ok.  I haven't had to turn around when I was halfway there.  I think if anything, the worse I've done (and the worse we've done as a couple) is leaving early instead of staying through the end.  Instead of staying until 10:00, maybe we leave at 7:30 or 8:00.  Not too bad right?

The toughest though?  Sounds silly, but a baby shower at work, which was a really short baby shower.  I hadn't attended one since my own in 2013.  Baby showers are such happy occasions filled with the cutest things you can imagine and full of shrieks of happiness.  For most people, it's just one of those joyous events that you wouldn't' even blink about twice.  Normal.  It felt far from normal to me.  I smiled a lot, but the whole thing tugged at my heartstrings a little.  I survived, and perhaps my own pregnancy gave me strength to get through something so baby related.  It doesn't make it easy though, and it certainly doesn't make me feel like having a baby shower myself.  Anyway, I already had a baby shower for Preston, and you're just supposed to have one right?  I feel like I will be able to dodge the bullet.

The other tough ones, probably the most ordinary get-togethers.  The ones where there seems to be more kids running around than adults.  I try to not let these moments get to me, but sometimes I just find myself starring at the kids, longing for my own, wondering what he'd be doing.  And I probably look like a crazy person doing it.  Those thoughts can be haunting.  Especially hours later.

As for my proudest accomplishments this summer?  So far, it's probably holding a newborn and not breaking down and completing the quilt square to honor Preston.  Our close friends just had a baby about 6 weeks ago.  A second boy.  Beautiful little guy.  Quiet little guy.  Part of his personality reminds me of Preston.  My friend asked me if I wanted to hold him a month ago.  I'd thought long and hard about it since he was born, and I took the plunge.  I said yes, but urged my friend to stay close by, just in case I couldn't do it.  I held that baby for over an hour.  He slept the whole time but I did it, and some of my fears melted away.

Since finding out I was pregnant, the thought of "how am I even going to hold my own baby" crossed my mind.  It's not an easy task.  Those fears were quietened when I realized I could hold a baby.  A boy no less.  Maybe the biggest test will be to ask me if I can do it when the baby is 16 weeks old, or around 11 lbs.  That challenge might be bigger.  And maybe the problem is, I don't quite remember what it felt like, which is why it wasn't so hard?  I get frustrated with my memory for not remembering certain things.  I wish I could remember, in clear detail, those 16 weeks instead of being plagued by the vivid memories of losing him.  When it was already all over.

On happier note, I did complete the quilt square to honor Preston.  The Angel Eyes foundation will be putting together a quilt to hang in their office, and I feel so blessed that my little guy will be part of it.  I put so much heart and so many hours into it.  I struggled parting with it.  Thankfully, I have an incredible husband who blew up the picture I took below and had it framed.  Now, I have it forever...  and who knows, maybe when I'm not so sick and tired of seeing threads and needles, maybe I'll make another one.

For now though, I'm entirely satisfied with staring at my masterpiece, smiling as I remember my true masterpiece - Preston himself.

Big steps, little steps

It's been a while, I realize.  More than a month really since some consistent posts.  I hadn't planned to take a hiatus from my blog, but it happened.

What really happened you ask?

I was exhausted.  I felt unwell.  But you see, there were good reasons for it.  In the middle of April, I realized I was pregnant.  I realized it even before taking a pregnancy test that confirmed it.  Morning sickness, or as I experienced it, all day long sickness set in about a month later.  I'd be riding the train home, longing for my bed and it wasn't even 5:00pm.  The nausea took it's toll on me.  I tried to keep a good attitude about it, I feel like I hid it well at work, but when I got home, it just seemed harder to deal with because I didn't have the energy to "fake" it any longer.

Trouble is, the nausea, along with other pregnancy symptoms like hormones throwing my whole digestive system upside down, made for an interesting struggle in my mind.  These are symptoms that I've always associated with a Crohn's flare up.  And while, deep down, I knew it was the pregnancy, there was always that nagging thought at the back of my mind.

Now, at almost 15 weeks (tomorrow), the nausea has dissipated.  Not disappeared but certainly decreased significantly.

I'd started logging how I was feeling every week,  starting at week 4, and then my computer crashed when I was about 7 weeks along.  I lost everything I hadn't saved to my trusty USB drive, which thankfully wasn't a lot, but this file was one of them.  Perhaps I can try to summarize my thoughts and feelings below by grouping up weeks.

Week 4-5

I had minimal symptoms.  Some soreness, some stretching feelings in the abdomen and my digestive system started to go crazy.  Mentally, I struggled believing that I was pregnant.  I struggled with how I'd feel about having another baby, about how the pregnancy would be and how the first year would be.  I hung on to this simple notion.  My baby's due date is December 24, 2015.  Christmas Eve.  As you know, my faith was really shaken when we lost Preston.  Quite honestly, it still and probably will be for a while.  However, having Christmas Eve as a due date... it brings me hope that everything will be alright.  After all, that's the night Jesus was born, or the night before he was born.  I felt like this was just a sign that things would work out.  These couple weeks, I was overly emotional, and missing Preston was more intense than it had been in months.

Week 6-13

The nausea set in and didn't go away very much.  I'd drink a ginger ale every morning and that kept my nausea at bay, for the most part.  Can I say how I don't want any ginger ale anytime soon?  When the nausea set in, it would stay with me for a couple hours, then go away for an hour or so, if I was lucky, and then it would return.  So on, and so forth, day after day.  The fatigue made it so I could hardly stay up after 8:00, and I'm a night owl.  The pregnancy started feeling more real, and every time I started to worry something might be wrong, Preston would send me a sign to let me know, that things really were ok.  A rainbow, a bunny, a song I hadn't heard in a long time that reminded me of him.  And may I say, despite all the rain we've gotten this year, there have been close to no rainbows, especially compared to last year.  And the bunnies?  Much fewer of them than last year.

Week 14

On this last day of week 14, I'm happy to say that the nausea is less intense and less present.  The week has presented some challenges.  I'm not sure what triggered me to worry on Monday morning's train ride into work... Maybe the wonder of if I should have had a couple bites of ice cream?  Of if there might have been something I ate that could have harmed the baby?  I prayed for signs that I was just freaking out for nothing.  I got one instantly (though I'm sad to say I don't remember what it was - not a bunny, I know that much).  I felt like it was just a coincidence and asked for more signs.  I saw 2 bunnies during my train ride, which could have been really easy to miss since the train doesn't exactly go slow.  And I heard Iris which I hadn't had the privilege of listening to in a long time.  I have no choice but to believe that Preston's little sister or brother, has a guardian angel.

Looking to the future

I look forward to feeling the fluttering.  It'll be a good way to feel like things are going well. It'll ease my worries, when they happen.  We hope that next week, we find out whether Preston will have a little sister or brother.  If baby is not co-operative, we'll have to wait until late July.  I don't feel that patient right now, lol.  I'm looking into slowly figuring things out.  We'll have big decisions to make in the fall, most of them regarding the nursery, and Preston's things.  I don't look forward to that, so in the meantime, little steps.

There are so many things to talk about.  And I wish I could write it all down now, but after my Remicade treatment this afternoon, I'm exhausted.  Not baby's fault this time.  I hope to write again soon.  It may be a little while because I really need to finish the quilt square.  I got an extension, but I really need to get it done.  I've made progress, but this border I decided to do.. it's taking forever.  It'll look great once finished, but it's really taking a lot longer than I'd hoped.

Until next time my friends.
Much love.  Miss you guys.  Miss writing.  Miss spreading Preston's smile.