Snowmageddon

With the news all about a massive storm hitting the East Coast today, it feels like a great time to share one of my most memorable winter moments. It was 1980 something and we had snow... a lot of it.  Back then, the cold didn't phase me.  Perhaps it was the 3 or 4 layers of clothes I had on, the mittens and hats.  Or maybe it was just the pure innocence of childhood.  I must say I miss those days as I can't stand the cold as an adult.  Makes for interesting conversations about the thermostat in the house as my husband, doesn't like to be too warm.

Back to the memory - 1980 something with mountains of snow.  Growing up, my house was on a street corner which meant 2 driveways.  That snow-blower was a great investment, right Dad?  The snow would be dumped from the driveways to the sides of the driveway and made for great fort building.  This particular year, I remember we made a wonderful fort.  Ted and I, well probably mostly Ted, made nooks and room divisions.  We even had a fridge with a door that opened and a TV.  You can see it in the pictures below.  It's the square with sticks in it, because TVs had antennas back then.

It was great fun.  The building, and then playing in the fort for days.  I often wonder what type of winter sports and winter activities I would have done with Preston.  The snow doesn't stay on the ground for very long here in Colorado.  Perhaps it does in the mountains, but here in the foothills, a couple days and it's gone.  Where does this leave the building of a snowman?

I know we would have gone sliding on the little hill behind our house.  Maybe we would have gone to the mountains and hung out in the lodge as his dad snowboards the day away.  We could have taught him to snowboard or ski out back, start small you know?  Snow angels in the snow?  Skating.. maybe? Though I'd have a hard time teaching him seeing as I can only turn one way, lol.

Maybe my favorite, would have been cuddling by the fire on a cold day, where it snows non-stop.  Watch movies and read books together.  Yeah, I think, that would have been perfection.  What a wonderful image to go to sleep on :)

PS. The biggest irony of this post - it was 70 degrees today :)

A cold winter day

Today was an almost perfect cold winter day.  The ground was covered in the purest snow of white.  The sky was vividly blue and void of clouds.  The air was still making the below freezing temperatures bearable.

I got an early start on my day and did the groceries as early as possible. I'd wanted to do so, in the hopes of getting a roast into the slow cooker for a nice dinner.  We bought a quarter cow from my in-laws last fall and still have a lot of meat left; many of which cuts that I don't cook with often.  I asked Brett to go pick one yesterday morning so that it could thaw and he picked a chuck roast.  I'd never really cooked one of these so I searched the ever reliable internet and found this recipe: Slow-cooker Pot Roast.  I noted a few ingredients which I didn't have and bought them today along with the rest of the groceries.  As I didn't read through the whole thing, I failed to realize I was out of red cooking wine, and beef broth.  How does one run out of beef broth anyways?  I improvised and used white wine instead of red, and vegetable broth instead of beef broth.

As the roast, vegetables and sauce started heating up, delicious aromas filled the house.  It sure made us both very hungry all day!  Every 2 hours, Brett would ask: "Is it time to eat yet?"

As the roast tenderized in the crock pot, I enjoyed a productive and fun day.  I reviewed a lot of paperwork, as kids outside were sledding down the small hill of the green belt that lies behind our house.  Just a year ago, I'd watched children doing the same, as I held and rocked Preston, all the whilst telling him how we would go sledding together the following winter.  How things change.  I didn't wallow in the pain of my loss though.  I just savored the memory.  Perhaps the intoxicating incense of the spices that permeated the house helped make it so.  Delicious food and smells have a way of making people happy, somehow, don't they?

In between piles of paperwork, I played a few games and did enjoy an evening with friends, online on World of Warcraft, as we attempted to defeat two different encounters.  While we were not successful, we learned a lot about the fights, and laughed quite a bit.  It's nice to be able to have fun and laugh.

An so, it was an almost perfect cold winter day.  Sitting by the fire, a cat on my lap, hubby by my side.  Only one thing it missing; a perfect, smiling little boy.

Warmth of the fire

I stayed in bed for quite a while yesterday morning, watching large snowflakes through the slats of the window shades in our room.  It was peaceful and quiet.  The large snow crystals that swayed in the wind transported me back to May, when it snowed on Mother's day as I worked at the kitchen table.  Yesterday morning, I thought of my sweet little boy, and missed him so.

I spent the day in the house, with the storm raging and no car, where was a girl to go anyway?  As I sat on the couch playing World of Warcraft on my laptop, my cats lay by the fireplace, napping by the warmth that emanated from the fire.  How many hours I spent on this same couch last winter watching my baby boy sleep?  How many hours did I rock him to sleep? How many hours did I spend playing with him, making him smile and giggle?

The answer is simple.  Not enough.  I wish I had spent more hours just watching him sleep.  He'd often smile as he slept.  What was he dreaming of? Bunnies jumping from cloud to cloud?  Rainbows over waterfalls?  Fields of endless flowers, filled with vivid colors?  Whatever it was, I'm glad he had such dreams, and I'm ever so grateful that they made him smile, if only for fleeting seconds.  I wish I spent more time holding him.  Rocking him, and bouncing with him in my arms, ever so slightly to help him fall asleep.  I wish I read him more stories, told him more about his family, taught him more about all the wonderful things that exist in our world.

With futility, I wish for many things I can never have.  Never say never? I beg to differ.  Never exists and it is part of my reality every day.  Never is an ugly word, but it follows me wherever I go.  Sometimes it hides in the shadows for weeks, but like a vile monster, it always reappears.  To ward it off, I hold on to the wonderful days I had with Preston.  The precious time I spent with him that will stay with me forever.  I hang on to ever single second of his life that I can remember.

As winter solstice approaches, I hope that Preston has a warm spot in Heaven, should they experience seasons.  I hope that his cloud blankets keep him warm at night.  I hope that he spots by to say hello, as he sees us light that familiar fire all winter long, as we did last year to keep him warm.  May that simple thought, keep us warm inside all winter.

#CaptureYourGrief - Day 13: Season

Winter.  As a child, it meant hours of playing in the snow, building forts and snowmen.  Sliding down the hill at Alexander Park and even skiing.  As a teenager, and young adult, winter started being a definition for cold, shoveling, and removing snow from the car.  Last year, winter was perfection.  I had my son.  I'd feed him as I watched TV by the fireplace.  We went for a few strolls on the warmest winter days.  We watched the snow fall by the patio window.  I both look forward to winter and dread it's arrival.  I imagine that I will feel closest to Preston - like when we had that snow storm on Mother's Day.  But I shudder at the thought of Christmas.  It's always been my favorite holiday... and now I don't even want to decorate.

He was born toward the end of Fall, but should have been born close to the start of Winter.  He passed away in Winter, days away from Spring.  I've viewed Fall as my favorite season for a long time, and part of me wants Winter to be my new favorite season, despite the cold weather, which I won't lie, isn't my preference when it comes to weather.  It may forever remain a tug of war in my mind.  Fall or Winter.  Colors like Preston loved, but white like the purity that radiated from his being.  The season he was born in, or the season he knew most.

Whatever season comes around, I think I will always have conflicting emotions regarding each.  Spring - Feelings of relief for the renewal of life that occurs during this time of year but sadness that Preston never got to know Spring.  Summer - Broken dreams of taking my son to the pool, and playing in the grass, but happiness for all the sunlight and outdoor activities like gardening.  Fall - Peacefulness from the falling leaves, changing colors and the smell of fireplaces coming on for the first time but struggle because every year, I should be celebrating my son's birthday.  Winter - Sadness that I can't see my son's face after Santa Claus has stopped by, but closeness to my son.

Hopefully, with time, I am able to find ways to make the change of seasons more bearable.  Concentrate on the goodness of each month.  Find the positives to associate each month with Preston, even if he never knew some of them.  Welcome the switch with open arms, rather than anticipate the worse.  Find happiness, because that is what Preston would want me to do.