The day before

Dear Preston,

We bought you a new ornament this year.  I think it's a nice tradition to get you one yearly; make you part of our celebration.  In 2013, I bought you "Baby's First Christmas", never once thinking it would be the only one we spent together.  Last year, I made the ball ornament at our Angel Eyes Christmas gathering meeting.  This year, we got you a bunny ornament since bunnies always make me think of you.

I hope you come join us, somehow, someway for this year's Christmas celebration.  We'll have a candle lit all day, as we did last year.  We put up decorations this year.  A tree, stockings (we have one for you too), and the Christmas village.  That's about it though.  Maybe next year, we'll muster up the courage to put up lights outside and more decorations indoor.

With your sister on the way, having something to celebrate at Christmas has been easier this year than last.  However, it doesn't make it easy.  I don't know that it will ever be easy.  Forever, we will be missing you.  On our laps, in our arms, running around.  Your smile, and pure love.  We do have one thing though - you will ALWAYS be in our hearts.  Wherever we go, whatever we do.

Tomorrow, as you know, things will be changing...

Your sister will be making her entrance into the world.  Know that this does not mean I won't be thinking of you every day.  Please know that our relationship doesn't change.  I will always love you.  You will always live in my heart, and a piece of my heart will always be with you.  No one, not even your sister, will ever fully mend my broken heart.

Love you always,
Mama


As for you my dear blog readers, yes, you read correctly.  Samantha will be here in less than 24 hours.  For the past 2 weeks, I've been on bed rest at home.  While I haven't been confined to an actual bed, my activities have been extremely limited.  Making easy meals, running a few errands, decorating the Christmas tree, wrapping presents, and doing a lot of sitting down and watching TV.

I've also been going to my OB's office twice a week.  I've been plagued with headaches, some days they are worse than others.  My blood pressure has fluctuated between normal and slightly high.  But I've had no other symptoms displaying possible pre-eclampsia like I did two years ago when I was pregnant with Preston.  On Friday, my OB wanted to see us again on Monday, as to evaluate if I was starting to go into labor, and to make a plan given that she's going out of town this upcoming Friday.  Monday, there were absolutely no signs of me being in labor.  As with every visit, I had a non-stress test and everything looked good.  Baby girl had a good heartbeat and moved around.  However, when came time to measure my belly for size, my doctor felt that the baby might be small.  For this reason, she asked us to return the next day for a full growth ultra-sound.

We did just that.  Tuesday morning, despite the blizzard, we drove to her office, waited a long time since the ultra-sound tech was late, and had the scan.  Things looked good on the monitor aside from Samantha's size.  Two weeks ago, she was measuring 6 lbs 1 oz.  At this point in pregnancy, she should be gaining about half a pound a week.  She measured 6 lbs 5 oz yesterday.

My doctor believes that what is happening is that my placenta is starting to calcify earlier than it should, restricting the nutrients that are being supplied to baby girl through the umbilical cord.  She's active, has grown, and is performing her "breathing exercises" inside the womb which are great signs.  However, having her come out now will give her the best opportunity to really thrive, and grow.

And so, I have a c-section scheduled tomorrow.  I'm not in labor, and am not exhibiting any signs of labor.  I was induced when I wasn't in labor 2 years ago and that resulted in a c-section.  Given my history of pre-eclampsia, and the fact that my blood pressure hasn't been super stable, my doctor, who usually doesn't recommend c-sections, suggested that this was the route for us to go down.  It is the safest and best choice for both my health and the baby's.  The other reassuring factor - I'll be 39 weeks along tomorrow.  That's a good month more cooking than what Preston got.

In just over 12 hours time, our little darling girl will be here.  We are stoked.  We are nervous.  We are happy, and anxious.  For me, this pregnancy has been filled with ups and downs.  Fears of loss, fears of complications.  While those fears aren't completely gone, and I know that a different fear of loss will appear tomorrow, I am looking forward to meeting this little girl that's been squirming inside of me for the better part of 2015.

I can only pray that she has a long life ahead of her.  I will pray day in and day out.  Bad days, hard days will come.  I know it.  But I hope, that all in all, we give Samantha a long happy life.  And a healthy one.

Looking forward to meeting you little lady! Stay tuned ;)

Big steps, little steps

It's been a while, I realize.  More than a month really since some consistent posts.  I hadn't planned to take a hiatus from my blog, but it happened.

What really happened you ask?

I was exhausted.  I felt unwell.  But you see, there were good reasons for it.  In the middle of April, I realized I was pregnant.  I realized it even before taking a pregnancy test that confirmed it.  Morning sickness, or as I experienced it, all day long sickness set in about a month later.  I'd be riding the train home, longing for my bed and it wasn't even 5:00pm.  The nausea took it's toll on me.  I tried to keep a good attitude about it, I feel like I hid it well at work, but when I got home, it just seemed harder to deal with because I didn't have the energy to "fake" it any longer.

Trouble is, the nausea, along with other pregnancy symptoms like hormones throwing my whole digestive system upside down, made for an interesting struggle in my mind.  These are symptoms that I've always associated with a Crohn's flare up.  And while, deep down, I knew it was the pregnancy, there was always that nagging thought at the back of my mind.

Now, at almost 15 weeks (tomorrow), the nausea has dissipated.  Not disappeared but certainly decreased significantly.

I'd started logging how I was feeling every week,  starting at week 4, and then my computer crashed when I was about 7 weeks along.  I lost everything I hadn't saved to my trusty USB drive, which thankfully wasn't a lot, but this file was one of them.  Perhaps I can try to summarize my thoughts and feelings below by grouping up weeks.

Week 4-5

I had minimal symptoms.  Some soreness, some stretching feelings in the abdomen and my digestive system started to go crazy.  Mentally, I struggled believing that I was pregnant.  I struggled with how I'd feel about having another baby, about how the pregnancy would be and how the first year would be.  I hung on to this simple notion.  My baby's due date is December 24, 2015.  Christmas Eve.  As you know, my faith was really shaken when we lost Preston.  Quite honestly, it still and probably will be for a while.  However, having Christmas Eve as a due date... it brings me hope that everything will be alright.  After all, that's the night Jesus was born, or the night before he was born.  I felt like this was just a sign that things would work out.  These couple weeks, I was overly emotional, and missing Preston was more intense than it had been in months.

Week 6-13

The nausea set in and didn't go away very much.  I'd drink a ginger ale every morning and that kept my nausea at bay, for the most part.  Can I say how I don't want any ginger ale anytime soon?  When the nausea set in, it would stay with me for a couple hours, then go away for an hour or so, if I was lucky, and then it would return.  So on, and so forth, day after day.  The fatigue made it so I could hardly stay up after 8:00, and I'm a night owl.  The pregnancy started feeling more real, and every time I started to worry something might be wrong, Preston would send me a sign to let me know, that things really were ok.  A rainbow, a bunny, a song I hadn't heard in a long time that reminded me of him.  And may I say, despite all the rain we've gotten this year, there have been close to no rainbows, especially compared to last year.  And the bunnies?  Much fewer of them than last year.

Week 14

On this last day of week 14, I'm happy to say that the nausea is less intense and less present.  The week has presented some challenges.  I'm not sure what triggered me to worry on Monday morning's train ride into work... Maybe the wonder of if I should have had a couple bites of ice cream?  Of if there might have been something I ate that could have harmed the baby?  I prayed for signs that I was just freaking out for nothing.  I got one instantly (though I'm sad to say I don't remember what it was - not a bunny, I know that much).  I felt like it was just a coincidence and asked for more signs.  I saw 2 bunnies during my train ride, which could have been really easy to miss since the train doesn't exactly go slow.  And I heard Iris which I hadn't had the privilege of listening to in a long time.  I have no choice but to believe that Preston's little sister or brother, has a guardian angel.

Looking to the future

I look forward to feeling the fluttering.  It'll be a good way to feel like things are going well. It'll ease my worries, when they happen.  We hope that next week, we find out whether Preston will have a little sister or brother.  If baby is not co-operative, we'll have to wait until late July.  I don't feel that patient right now, lol.  I'm looking into slowly figuring things out.  We'll have big decisions to make in the fall, most of them regarding the nursery, and Preston's things.  I don't look forward to that, so in the meantime, little steps.

There are so many things to talk about.  And I wish I could write it all down now, but after my Remicade treatment this afternoon, I'm exhausted.  Not baby's fault this time.  I hope to write again soon.  It may be a little while because I really need to finish the quilt square.  I got an extension, but I really need to get it done.  I've made progress, but this border I decided to do.. it's taking forever.  It'll look great once finished, but it's really taking a lot longer than I'd hoped.

Until next time my friends.
Much love.  Miss you guys.  Miss writing.  Miss spreading Preston's smile.

A new kind of Christmas

Christmas has come and gone.  It once seemed so far away, yet it appeared out of nowhere.  I dreaded this day, and now I don't have to worry about it for a whole year.  "The first of everything is the hardest", I've been told.  I've also heard that "the second year is often worse".  I don't know what to expect, and I don't wish to sit around trying to anticipate how difficult every future day of my life might be.  Instead, I will simply take each day on as it presents itself.  I highly doubt, any day can be worse than March 13, 2014.  If I could erase this day from the calendar, I would in a heartbeat.

So how was my Christmas?  It was tinged with sadness, but at the same time, I was surrounded by loved ones, my husband at my side.  Brett's mom had purchased a little candle for us to keep lit on this holiday, something Brett had requested.   We lit it on Christmas Eve and it was a very emotional ritual.  A sad reminder of what is missing, what will never be.  It was very powerful and hit me like a truck I wasn't expecting.

On a side note, I was already in a somber mood.  On my way home, an ambulance came blaring down the road going in the opposite direction... in the same direction it had gone to try and save my baby boy.  I cried the whole way home, which was just a few blocks.  I know in my heart that the EMTs tried so hard to revive Preston.  As did the doctors and nurses in the ER.  As did the nanny, I hope.  I still can't help but feel powerless when I see an ambulance, especially when it's lights and horns are roaring.  It's even worse when it's clearly coming from the hospital by our house, where I found out both my babies were gone.

I didn't sleep great Christmas Eve, not anyone's fault.  We had opened one present each that evening.  Brett was psyched to open his new gaming laptop.  I think that was the happy highlight of the night for me.  For a long time, Christmas to me has been about giving.  Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike receiving presents but I have more than I need, so it's very difficult for me to give ideas for presents.  I'm always thankful for what I receive, and this year is no different.

Christmas day was fun.  There was a lot of cooking in the kitchen.  A lot of laughter as we joked around.  We opened a lot of presents and everyone seemed genuinely happy.  Preston's Nan had put up a stocking for him, filled with Hershey's kisses.  Everyone received a kiss from Preston.  It was bittersweet, but it felt really nice to have a moment dedicated to him.  We ate more than we should.  We reflected on what were were grateful for.  While the Lord did not answer all my prayers this year, he did bless me with a sweet little boy for 16 weeks.  For the rest of my life, I pledge to share him with anyone who will open his heart to him.

There was no Christmas miracle, but Preston's presence was around.  I didn't feel him, or see a sign from him, but I know that he wasn't terribly far away.  I hope to see signs again, one day soon.  I really long for them.

And as for a Christmas wish, I'm still struggling with making a wish since they've seldom come true.  But if I can wish for something simple, it's that everyone had a nice Christmas with family.  That everyone had safe travels. That if you were without a loved one, that you found a way to smile, if only for a moment, and that you found a way to incorporate your loved one into your celebration.

Filled with kisses from Preston

Thanks to hubby for putting the meat pie together as I napped on Christmas day.

The Lonely Red Tree

For the past month the picture above has been what I stare at, from my seat on the train as I await for it to depart for Denver.  Why are the lights on all these trees white, except for a lone one which garnishes red little bulbs?  I've hypothesized for a month now.  I'm sure I'm reading way too much into it, but so go the thoughts in my head...

Christmas is a time of light.  A time for happiness, a time for family.  A time for celebration, a time to be grateful for Jesus and the sacrifices He and God made to give us this life that we have.  A time to rejoice.  However, for some, Christmas is not as joyful.  Some are homeless.  Some are alone.  Some are apart from their families as they try to protect our countries.  Some are without a loved one because they passed away this last year, or maybe years ago and it's just not quite the same without them.  For some, Christmas is a painful reminder of what they do not have.  I think this is well represented by the slew of trees decorated in white surrounding the one lone tree adorned in red.

You have to notice though, this lonely red tree is not off on it's own.  It is flanked by the sea of white lit trees.  Do I feel lonely this Christmas without Preston?  Absolutely.  Do I feel sad this Christmas because my son isn't here to see wrapping paper fly all around him? That he doesn't get to enjoy playing with the box instead of the toy inside of it?  Undeniably, yes.  Do I feel incomplete as I sit surrounded by loved ones?  Unfortunately, I do.  However, I am that - surrounded by love, by light.  Just like the little red tree.

Not only is Christmas about coming together with loved ones, but it is also about opening our hearts to those less fortunate.  We donate to food drives, and charities.  We give coats that we don't use anymore.  We offer our homes to those who don't have a place to celebrate.  We have light in our hearts and don't ostracize the sad, the lonely, the hungry.

To whoever decorated those trees, thank you.  Thank you for the reminder that I am not alone feeling this way on Christ's birthday.  Thank you for making me think all month, and come to peace with the fact that it is acceptable for me to feel sadness throughout this holiday season.  Thank you for giving a new meaning to the town of Lone Tree, that same town my son was born in.  This little lonely red tree gave me a lot of inspiration, and hopefully it did for many others.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas.

Puzzle piece

When Preston passed away, something inside of me broke.  I feel smidgens of my old self resurface on rare occasions for but a fleeting moment.  Someone asks "how are you".  My replies range from "okay" and "not bad" to "good".  I used to always be good.  Whenever I say good now, I'm jolted back to reality a few moments later when the realization of what I've said strikes me. 

Good?  I'm not good.  Don't get me wrong, I'm also not rock bottom bad either.  I just float in between content and sad.  My soul was shattered into a million puzzle pieces when I heard the words of the nanny over the phone: "Preston's not breathing".  I feel paralyzed whenever I think of that moment.  I didn't freak out like I should have.  I think I must have already known that it was over.  

Not where I wanted to go with this... I often feel like I'm the piece of a massive puzzle, and every day, I find another piece to connect to and become a little more complete.  Some days, I realize the latest pieces that I connected to, were the wrong ones.  I have to search for the correct ones all over again.

Watching "Scrooged" last night, Brett's favorite Christmas movie, I realized that I may be a bit of a Scrooge myself this year.  No decorations around the house or in my cubicle at work.  No Christmas shopping in the stores, I did it all online to avoid the contagious spirit of the holidays.  No Christmas music.  No Christmas village, which I've been putting up every year since we moved into our house.  No Christmas baking.  

I was so excited about Christmas last year.  Before Preston was born, I had bought a "my first Christmas" onesie for Preston.  I thought it was the cutest thing and it made me thirsty for all the holidays we were about to have as a family.  Christmas itself, but also Easter, Valentine's Day, and Halloween.  All holidays that have special significance when you are a child.  There's magic all around these special occasions.  And of course, it would be a while until these had any type of significance for Preston, but nonetheless it was exciting and happy.  I had no way of knowing that he'd only be limited to one Thanksgiving, one Christmas, one New Year and one Valentine's Day.  The onesie didn't state "My first and only Christmas".

Would it have been better if it did? No it would not.  I just wish I could go back and soak it all in again.  Appreciate the family moments more than I did.  Hold my baby boy more, for longer.

"Scrooged" ends with the cast signing "Put a Little Love in Your Heart".  It hit me.  That's what I've been trying to do with #SpreadHappinessForPreston.  That's what I've been trying to do to honor my sweet little man.  I've been trying to promote kindness and happiness because that's what Preston was to me.  It's not always easy.  So hopefully he helps me with this one, and puts a little love in my heart, so that I can get through this special occasion without him in my arms.  Hopefully, he shows me the way to that next puzzle piece.

Blue Christmas

Growing up at Christmas, my dad would play Elvis' Christmas album.  It had 20 plus songs, and one of the ones I always liked the most was "Blue Christmas".  For my first Christmas after moving to Colorado, I of course had to find an Elvis album.  I found one, not the same my dad has, but it had the best ones.  I bought a few other albums too.  As a tradition, every year, I would buy a new album.  Last year, I think it was Michael Bublé.

I haven't listened to Christmas music this year.  This is odd to me because I usually can't get enough of this festive music.  I even have a Pandora Christmas station.  I'm just not in a holiday mood this year I guess.  We don't have other children to decorate for, and we're both still dealing with the loss of Preston, that I think decorating would just remind us of what we had last year, and what we don't have this year.

Driving home, I was roaming the stations on the radio and while I've been skipping KOSI 101.1 since Thanksgiving when they started playing only Christmas music, I somehow hit my preset button, and "Blue Christmas" was playing.  I listened to it and reminisced of past Christmases.  And I had a realization.

This year will probably be a blue Christmas.  All the ideas I had for presents for Preston are still there but realizable.  He probably would have wanted to play with the boxes and bags more than the toys, but it would have still been so special to see his eyes light up with all the colored lights on the tree, and in the neighborhood, as our tradition is to drive around and see how others have decorated their homes.  Most of the houses on our street are now adorned with lights of green, red, blue, yellow, and white.  Some blink.  Some appear to travel.

Christmas to me has always meant family time.  It never was much about receiving and more about giving.  Family time is very different without Preston.  Not that we experienced many holidays with him, but I imagined what they would all be like.  I'm sure I will enjoy Christmas day and seeing my family open their presents.  I will enjoy the food and the company.  However, everything will again be tinged with bitter-sweetness.

It will be a blue Christmas, but that doesn't mean it won't have good moments.  It will be a sad holiday, but it will have a lot of happy moments.  Blue doesn't mean bad.  When you are grieving, whether it's something brand new, or something that you've been living with for too long, it is still okay to struggle.  It is still okay to have sad moments.  It is always okay to feel whatever you are feeling.  There is no wrong way to grieve.  If mine means that I will have a blue Christmas, then so be it.  Blue is quite a pretty color after all, is it not?

Ornaments

Tonight, instead of a regular group meeting, it was a crafting get-together.  Family and friends were welcome.  I made an ornament (pictured below) and brought home the crafting materials to make a special candle.  I had a nice time, though my mind wasn't totally there.  I apologize to my Angel Eyes family.  You see, the last time I was at the Angel Eyes office, was just a few days after we lost Preston.  Being there again, although everything was different, was difficult on my psyche.

I made the ornament and shared some laughs.  I did mine all wrong, I'm so not the arts and crafty type, but I tried, and I'm not too bummed by the result.  Last year, Brett and I made a hand and foot print of Preston's for ourselves, and our parents.  He was still so small that most his foot and hand fit in the small mold that was designed for one foot or one hand.  I don't think I will ever have an ornament that means more to me.  Not that I use it as an ornament.  It's been sitting on our dresser since we made it.  Close to us.  Always in sight.

Driving home from my ornament making, I so many Christmas lights adorned my sight.  On commercial buildings.  On trees.  On fences.  On houses.  I really do love Christmas, but since the seasonal music has started gracing some radio stations, I've been avoiding them.  I haven't decorated the house.  I don't know that I want to.  That's a very bizarre feeling because I really do love this time of year.  I have a Christmas station on my Pandora.  I've been building a Christmas village since moving into our house in 2010 - a dream I'd had since seeing one at one of my mom's uncles house when I was very little.  I hoped to share this with Preston.  I did for a very short few weeks.

This season, this holiday, I need to find a new way to embrace it.  Maybe this ornament was one step into the right direction.  Maybe, the candle will be the next step.  One day at a time, I will strive to find a way to let the spirit of Christmas find a way into my heart.  And if it fails, there's always next year.  One moment at a time...

Snow capped

I was doing an online puzzle during my lunch hour today.  It was a winter scene, where the roof of this house was snow capped, with Christmas decorations all around it.  Oddly, this feeling came over me, like a feeling that Christmas would be okay after all.  It made my day.  

And then we went to Target after work.  Christmas decorations are already everywhere you look.  Christmas music is playing.  Christmas is being shoved down our throats, and it's just November 5th!  I've always loved Christmas, the decorations, the lights, the music, but every year, it seems like it is being commercialized even more.  Somehow, because every year, I think that there's no way it can become more commercial than it already is.  The earlier that it can be advertised, the better, stores seem to be saying.  I was actually buying candy on Halloween at the grocery store and most of it was cleared off the shelves, with pallets of Christmas decorations just waiting to be stocked to re-fill the barren shelves.

This year, the thought of Christmas is difficult.  It wasn't going to be Preston's first Christmas, but he was just a peanut last Christmas.  I think he would have enjoyed the lights, the family time, and new toys.  It's also a reminder that he'll never get to believe in Santa Claus.  He'll never get to leave him milk and cookies.  He'll never open a present, has a Christmas Eve feast.  We'll never get to make our own family traditions with him.

Those thoughts make me sad.  It makes me sad that I have friends in the same boat.  However, if I just for a second think about that snow capped roof puzzle I completed earlier today, that feeling of peace returns.  I haven't said this in a long long time, but I am longing for a good snow storm.  The pure white color of the snow.  The silence that seems to come with it in the early morning.  The reminder that Preston lived through snow storms.  We cuddled by the fire.  And he sent me that storm on Mother's Day.  Maybe that first storm will make me cry.  Or maybe it'll make me smile.  Maybe a little of both.  Regardless though, I know I will get through these next couple months.  One day at a time. 

We may not get to make Christmas traditions with Preston present in our lives, but maybe we can still buy him an ornament every year.  Or maybe we can light a candle that will stay lit all day long on Christmas.  We can still create something meaningful to us as a family, which will honor Preston, which will help us include him despite his absence.  It could be a special family time, if we are up for it.  And only time will tell.  What are your favorite holiday traditions?