It's been over 7 months since I started blogging about Preston, about losing him, about what I feel, what I've learned, what I wish I didn't learn. It doesn't come to much surprise to me to find that I have handfuls of blog entries that I started but never finished whether it be because I wasn't in the right mood, didn't have the time, or just couldn't bear to write about something in the moment. The subject for my post tonight, keeps finding me wherever I go lately, as if nudging me to finish what I started on my birthday.
If grief, and loss have taught me one thing, it is this - tomorrow is never promised. Every day we go about our lives, not even giving a second thought to the fact that tomorrow may never be. We dream about tomorrow and about the future not that there is anything wrong with that. It's nice to be able to imagine what could be, what you want in life. It's even more wonderful when those dreams come true. We look to the future all the time, and really, I don't think that this is something we should stop doing as a society, as individuals. I do it myself, even though sometimes, the "future" is one where Preston is still alive.
We are often guilty of taking our blessings in life for granted, without even realizing it. Our loved ones which includes our children. We take our jobs for granted. We take our home and our belongings for granted. We take our health for granted, for most, it actually isn't even a thought that crosses their minds. When every single day is a blessing in itself, we always assume that tomorrow will be there when we wake up.
The picture above is what I see when I wait for the train after work. The train comes from the West, which is the direction the camera is pointed at. For cars, it is a one-way street, where cars go in the opposite direction from the train. I cannot tell you how frustrated I get almost every day, as I see someone gun it to make the green light before the train. Or how irritated I get when I see someone run across the tracks when the train is coming right at them, especially when they are dragging their child or pushing a stroller. If only they knew, that in the blink of an eye, it could be taken all away.
I wish I had that innocence back... not to know that tomorrow could be the worst day of your life. I'm not trying to say that there's nothing to live for. I'm not trying to imply that you shouldn't take any risks in life. I'm certainly not trying to say, anticipate that tomorrow could be your last.
What I'm trying to say is, take risks that don't endanger your life, and especially doesn't risks that threaten the lives of others, and even less a risk that puts children at risk. It frustrates me so much to read stories about how someone just wanted to get there, wherever there is, on time - and it means that they lost control of their car on the ice and crashed into another and casualties ensue. Or in the example above, just wanting to get ahead of a train, which would delay them by what, 1 minute, if that? Knock on wood, I haven't seen an accident on "this" street corner. Haven't seen doesn't mean it hasn't happened. And I know of several incidents that happened just two stations prior to mine. Thankfully, I don't believe there have been any casualties.
My need to post about this subject was reinforced the other night when we watched the latest episode of Modern Family, entitled "The Day We Almost Died" where Phil swerves the van (filled with his entire family) to avoid a truck that flew through a stop sign. What happens after? Claire, who usually needs to be in control of everything throws caution to the wind, plays hookie at work, and doesn't blink twice as her children mess up the house, and each other. Phil, usually so happy-go-lucky, gives a couple people a piece of his mind. Luke who missed his own "near-miss death", works on checking off items from his bucket list. Alex cuts judo class to get a make-over with her sister Hayley, who wants her sister to in-turn show her how to do judo. Manny, also in the van, is traumatized and can't be in a car until Jay makes him drive, and in the end, Jay experiences his own near-death incident while in the back of the car. This was one of the best episodes I've seen and I really like the show to start with. It had a lot of humor, yet tackled this subject much better than what I'm attempting to do.
Trauma tends to cause you to see life differently. Sometimes it's only in passing, but in my experience, it's ever changing. I was always a dreamer, a planner. Dreaming is now really difficult for me, because my dreams have too often been shattered into a million pieces. Planning... I've been able to plan a little more with time, but I don't like making too many plans in advance anymore. There are things in my life I didn't take for granted, others that I tried not to take for granted. I now try not to take anything for granted, which can still be difficult.
I feel myself going in circles - what I'd like to say is this: Take risks when needed, and most definitely when it doesn't endanger someone else's life. Thinking of a career change? Go for it! What's stopping you? Thinking about trying out for a school sports team? What do you have to lose? Why not take the road less traveled today? Why not risk going with your gut even if your idea fails? Why not allow others to see you when you are vulnerable? Look at a house even if it's a little out of your price range. It might just be your dream house and often you can make a deal ;)
Don't rush past a train just to save yourself a minute. Don't leave your child in a car, just because you'll be in the store for 2 minutes. How many stories do we read every year where a child got frostbite or worse for staying in a freezing car for 5 hours (just read that gem tonight)? Or how they died of heat stroke for being in the car alone for too long in the middle of summer - a crack of air in the window is not enough!
Do take risks if the result might lead to a happier life. Do take risks to try something new, to advance your career. Do risk to fail, you often learn something. Take the chance to try again, because you never know... Remember, it's easy to take tomorrow for granted. But most importantly, remember that it isn't promised after all. Why not make that change today?
