2 lbs

Why is it that 2 lbs is so easy to put on, but takes so much work to burn off?  I guess I let myself go a little this weekend and there I am, 2 lbs heavier... grrrr.  I worked really hard to get that 2 lbs off.  It's not like I didn't do any exercise either.  We took that hike with the super steep hill that I thought might make me collapse.  I guess, I did have a huge strawberry daiquiri.  I bet that had a ton of calories... and I wasn't really watching what I was eating, or how much.  How many m&ms did I have?  Hum... I will plead the 5th. ;)

And so, back into my cooking magazines I dove today, trying to find delicious filling meals that could help with my rapid weight fluctuation.  I know, weight sometimes will fluctuate by a few pounds from day to day, but that 2 lbs really bugs me.

Tonight, I made a version of Rachael Ray's "Pulled Chipotle Chicken" for dinner.  Unfortunately, this recipe can be quite time consuming.  Meaning, on a weekday, it doesn't give you time to do a whole lot more.  Meaning, I didn't get as long a walk as I would have liked because by the time we were done eating, the sun was almost halfway set.  I still went for a small walk though - better a small one than none at all :)

I'm trying to convince myself to figure out the right train to take in to work so that I can have a nice long walk before my shift starts.  There's 2 different trains I can take into downtown.  One takes me a block away from work - the other would take me about 20 blocks away.  The dilemma is that I already leave the house at 6am to be at work by 7:30... therefore my motivation is kind of low.  I would probably mean leaving the house a good 30 minutes earlier, which would mean what, wake up at 4:30? Yuck.  I'm already just getting 6.5 half hours of sleep a night during the weekdays.. I think I'll stick to my evening walks, lol

To get back to my dinner though, if you don't have left over chicken stock (which I didn't), you can then make some at the same time as you cook your chicken.  I was kind of excited to do that so that I can try a recipe this week (or weekend).  I found it in a "Taste of Home" magazine from last year.  It's "Herbed Potato Dumplings".  Sounds and looks really good.  And, the kicker is that it's only 143 calories per serving.  I really hope they are good, because they sure do look it.  Aside from that, I really want to try an adjusted version of "Texas Tabbouleh".  I don't like beans so I'd definitely be omitting those, and I think I have some couscous, so I might use that instead of bulgur, just because I might as well use what's in my pantry.  If I like it, I'll really look forward to making it with my garden veggies, who just keep on growing.. well except for the peppers.. I might have to replant those :/

And so, I suppose that is my new beginnings for this week.  Try new recipes to try and help re-shed this 2 lbs.  I am still roaring at this 2 lbs.  Why is it so easy to gain weight but it's a constant struggle to keep it off?  When you think about it though, things that are difficult are often worth it.  While I will always say that Preston made it easy to be a mom, it was still hard work.  It was a lot of work to keep him on schedule, and make sure all his needs were fulfilled.  It was hard waking up every 2.5 hours to pump and then feed him.  It was hard trying to figure out all the little sounds that he made, and make sure that he was okay.  When he was tiny, it was really tough to sleep without worrying about something.  Heck, once he started sleeping in his nursery, I had the baby monitor on max volume and slept with it in my hand by my face so that I could hear any little sound.  I did that every night, for whatever good it did.  I wouldn't change it though.  I'd still do the same thing again.  Sure, as time passed, the time between feedings increased, but by no means is taking care of a baby an easy task.  There's always a thought going through your mind to make sure that everything is taken care of.  Hubby and I make a good team though and we made it work for us and for Preston. 

Keep challenging yourself.  You never know, you might surprise yourself by accomplishing something you never knew you could do.  Maybe it'll be a really steep hill to climb on one day, or 2 lbs to shed on another, but don't give up.  You can do whatever you set your heart to.

To the far left is a row of onions (you can't see much from this angle), then there's a row of tomatoes, and a square of lettuce, and the back row is beans and cucumbers.  The empty squares are where my peppers are supposed to be, and kind of hidden to the far right are various herbs.  It keeps on growing.  My little herbs and veggies are working hard :)

I guess it's kind of a blurry shot, but we put a little "fence" around the garden to keep little critters away.  Not sure if it'll keep them out, but worth the try :)

Stained

The cutting board pictured above was a wedding present from my neighbors growing up.  If you notice, there is a stain in the second square in the top row from the left.  I was kind of upset when it happened, but now, it makes me smile every time I see it.

You see, my health issues have often caused me to be anemic.  Anemia is a very common blood disorder where you experience a decrease in red blood cells.  There are many causes, but the one that causes me to have bouts of anemia, is iron deficiencies.  Because of the fact that I was anemic when Preston was born, his pediatrician suggested that we give Preston iron supplements (liquid form added to his bottle).  He didn't love it at first, but he got used to it.  One morning, while getting his bottle ready, hubby had a spill on the cutting board.  Forever stained.  I was a little upset that our really nice cutting board was to have this blemish on it for the rest of it's days.

Now, every time I see it, it's a subtle reminder of my son.  A little blink reminding me that I didn't imagine my pregnancy and his existence.  Not that anyone would doubt that I fabricated his existence, but I can only imagine that in time, a lot of people will forget about him.  He only had 16 weeks in our world after all.  Of course, the people who might forget about him probably aren't very close to us so who could blame them?

I guess, all this to say, I will hold on to everything that I possibly can.  Every memory that I can remember, I will hold on to.  As time goes on, certain things will fade.  I can't really "picture" his cry anymore and I don't have it on video.  I'm so glad to have about 10 videos of him even if they can be difficult to watch.  To think I'd just shown his latest and now last video to my friend the day he passed away.  How odd is that?  I mean, it was such a testament to how lively he was.  How could he just stop existing just a few hours later?

There are questions we may never get answers to, but hopefully, for some peace of mind, we figure out what SIDS is in our lifetime.  Or at least get a little closer to figuring out what causes it, or at least make some breakthroughs.  I'd love to know that my baby didn't suffer, but I may never know.  I have to tell myself that he didn't or I'd drive myself crazy, but no one really knows do they?

The moral of my post tonight (hopefully they usually have a moral or purpose - I try anyways) - cherish all the moments you have.  While you don't want to spend every second taking pictures and videos because you might actually miss the experience, don't take having pictures and videos for granted.  One day, you will be happy to be able to look back and look at them.  Not because I expect others to have a loss like mine, but because as we get older, things start to escape us.  I'm sure that it would be such a gift to be able to look at the videos and pictures of your babies 30 years from now, don't you?

Weekend Retreat

We spent Friday evening and part of today with our good friends Charles and Kate at a mountain retreat.  It was nice to get away, and it was nice to chat about everything and nothing.  We enjoyed Pina Coladas and Strawberry Daiquiris last night and a nice long walk and hike today.

The walk was really nice and calm aside from the crazy wind we got before getting down in the valley.  After that we were mostly sheltered from the wind gusts.  Going back, we took a dirt path up the side of the hill... felt like a mountain.  Geez could I be more out of breath? I felt like collapsing when I got to the top and downed a Gatorade in no time.  My throat felt scratchy from the dryness while climbing that hill.

We got to talk about Preston a lot which was nice.  I think there's a lot of misconceptions when you lose a child.  A lot of people are scared that if they mention your child or pregnancy, that it's going to make you sad.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say the following which I think a lot of people think but don't know how to say.  We think about our children every day, whether they are with us or not.  Mentioning them to us will not make us more sad.  For me, it brings a smile to my face that you remember my son, that you thought of my son.  I'm honored that he's touched your life, whether you got to meet him or not.  I think it's the same for a lot of people experiencing such a loss.  When you are grieving a child, it never goes away.  While it makes us sad a lot of the time, bringing our children up does not open up a wound.  It validates us as parents.  A lot of the time, it's hard to feel like a mom, because my son isn't here for me to take care of.  But I know that no matter what, I am a mom.  Always will be.  Just because you cannot see my son, does not mean that he didn't exist.

Are conversations about him difficult?  Sometimes they feel emotional.  Most of the time though, it's just nice to share him with the world; like I do with my blog, like I hope to do with the #SpreadHappinessForPreston "movement" on his birthday - November 19th.  I almost felt tears coming today when I was talking about him with Kate.  If I had, I'm sure it would have been ok, but I didn't.  I even forget what it was that I said that started to choke me up.  Who knows, it can differ from day to day right?

I was happy to be able to get a lot of smiles out of their son.  I'm happy that I can hold him without freaking out like many people warned us about.  Their son, much like they are, is family.  I'd be so upset with myself if I couldn't pick him up and play with him.  Everyone is different though.  I can't say I'd feel the same if he was 4 months old or younger.  We'll find out one day I suppose. ;)  Until then, I tell myself that I'll learn to deal with it when the time comes.  I've learned to deal with everything else that's come my way right?

No bunnies or rainbows yesterday and today.  But plenty reminders of Preston.  The road we took up to our weekend retreat, was the same we took for a wedding last year, when I was still pregnant with Preston.  We were in a serene area surrounded by nature, which since Preston's passing, has made me feel closer to him.. not sure why.  We were with people who love us and make us happy, make us feel at ease - which reminds me of how I felt when Preston was around.  Whatever we do, wherever we go, reminders of Preston will always follow us - at least, I hope they will :)

Projects and wrenches

While things are far from being ideal, I think for the most part, we're doing ok.  Not great, not wonderful, not good but ok.  It's odd how sometimes the words automatically come out of my mouth - "I'm doing good, how are you?" but really, I then feel instantly guilty... no I'm not good, I lost my son.  I'll never really be good.  Perhaps I'm now a different kind of good?  I'm as good as I can be?

All of a sudden, our cash flow is a little higher.  I mean, we don't have diapers, formula, daycare, etc. to pay for anymore when we'd budgeted for it all year.  I'm sad that we don't have to pay for those things anymore.  While things were going to be tighter for quite a while, we were really happy and it really didn't matter.  But yeah, now we've fixed the truck and bought new tires for it.  We bought tile and we'll probably have to pay more money towards that project.  That's all fine - I guess these projects keep us busy. 

I have so many projects I'd like to do for this house, because while I didn't really have a desire to move since moving in (like ever again), I now want to move even less.  This is the only home Preston knew.  It's the place he was happy.  I never want to leave, and I don't ever want to think about another family doing what they will with his room.  I know I still can't go in there, but I know that if/when we have another baby, I'd like for Preston's room to be his little sister's or brother's room.  I want to make sure we keep some aspects of the room intact, so that Preston can live on a little in his room.  That probably sounds silly.

Projects, and projects.  One day finish the basement?  We've talked about a small bedroom and bathroom and the rest would be a play room/family room.. not sure it would work because the basement isn't too big and given the layout, the bedroom probably wouldn't have a window, which is illegal... so, perhaps it'll be a large family/play room with a Murphy bed.  Time will tell.  I'd eventually like to replace the countertops, repaint the walls after getting rid of some of the textured walls.  I like the texture of the majority of our walls, but one of them in the kitchen, I can't stand.  We'll eventually have to consider what to do about the carpet upstairs.  While it's nowhere as bad as it is on the first floor, it'll be pretty bad come another 3-4 years - at least in the hallway and in our bedroom. 

I have projects for outside too.  I need to cleanup our flower garden in the front.  It was there when we bought the house and I haven't had to do much to maintain it.  However, this year, it's full of grass growing in between the flowers... I keep meaning to do it every weekend, and I keep running out of time.  I'd say this weekend, but we have plans Friday to Saturday... so we'll see :).  I've been wanting to make a path in the front where there are what seems like mountains of river stones (ok I exaggerate).  They drive me nuts.  And when I get out of the truck, I'm always right in them... so hopefully I get around to it this fall.

As the projects come, so do the wrenches.  When I came back from my evening walk, I went down to see my garden and kept hearing water flowing.  Odd I thought.  I followed the sound to the side of the house... water was gushing down the side of the house!  What the hell?  I went to get hubby and let him know and went back to the yard and saw that there was a faucet coming out of our house and occasionally water would just come shooting out.  Turns out, hubby was washing the truck and had the hose in the front of the house on.. There must be a leak or something... Basement is partially flooded.  Thank goodness for subfloors and sump pump.  That's what the faucet is; the sump pump, pumping the water out of the subfloor.  Sigh....  Off we went to buy fans to dry out half our basement.  I guess we'll figure out sooner rather than later what this issue is.  I hope it's not a huge problem...

Hopefully this wrench doesn't ruin our plans for the weekend, but if it does, such is life right?  Kick me while I'm down.  Gimme what you got life.  You might have me frustrated.  You might have me sad.  You might have me down.  But, you won't get the best of me.  Keep fighting, whatever your battle is.  Life can really suck sometimes, but it doesn't stop - so don't let it get the best of you.  Don't let it get you down for too long.

Think of rainbows and bunnies and it will all be ok (or whatever it is that makes you smile).  Think of the amazing cloud formations (like the one I saw on my walk - below).  Think of what our world could be, if there was just a little more positivity and happiness.  What happiness will you create today?

The Waiting Room

I had a follow-up appointment for my blood pressure today.  My blood pressure went up to crazy scary rates on November 18, 2014.  Preeclampsia/HELLP syndrome was the cause.  Pretty scary stuff.  We were told the only way to fix it was to give birth - and therefore, Preston was born the next night via C-section because my body just wouldn't co-operate even after being induced.

Usually, giving birth "cures" preeclampsia.  It hasn't been the case for me.  My BP was consistently 140-145/90 for a couple months.  I've been on meds since November.. for my BP.  Fun stuff at 32 right?  It seems to be getting better though.  I took it at home this weekend and it was at 110/70.  I was thrilled.  My thought was "yay, maybe I can go down to just 1 BP pill a day!"

Back to my appointment.  So I set foot into the building (which is attached to the hospital Preston was born in, and the hospital where I had my bowel resection at and my 2 hospital stays for bowel obstruction).  There was that familiar hospital smell that reminded me of our hospital stay in November.  Preston was there for 9 days, I was for about 6-7 days and then visited several times a day.  Nonetheless, I went on to my doctor's office... 2 pregnant ladies in the waiting room.  To be expected right, I was at my OB's office after all.

I've mentioned before that I am ok with seeing pregnant women, being around them and babies.  Really, mentally I feel ok with it.  Like I've said, what would be the point of hiding from it all?  I have friends who are pregnant and friends with babies.  I want to be part of their life and I'm usually ok around them.  So I filled out the paperwork they had for me and sat down.  A few people were called before me and I just browsed the internet on my phone.  Then 2 more preggers came in, and then a lady and her newborn - much like I'd done for my follow up appointments while on maternity leave.  The little sounds the newborn girl made were little twinges of pain... but luckily, she didn't make too much noise.  It made me think, what would Preston sound like today.  You know what, I know that he'd be making sounds that almost sound like words.  I know my little boy, and call me crazy because he'd be just 7 months old, he'd be close to saying his first words.  Trust your instincts, right?

Moments later, OB had to go to the hospital for a laboring patient.  We were asked if we would wait as she wanted to see all of us.  I looked around; 2-3 preggos and a newborn.  Sigh.. ok, I feel pretty strong most of the time, but come on...probably an hour of this.  Alright...  Just as I was about to go into a full fledged rant on the Babycenter forums... the nurse called me in.  She took my BP and a few other tests and told me my doc would call me to answer my questions.  How thoughtful, I thought.  Much easier on Cat!!

Unfortunately my BP was 130/90.  I'm pretty sure that the pregnant ladies and the newborn, no offense to them, were partially to blame.  I took it again maybe an hour ago and it was at 115/80.  I'll be going back in 3 weeks and I cross my fingers that I will get to go down to 1 pill.  Gotta keep with my 2 mile daily walks and eating healthy, more thoughtfully portioned meals. :)

While I was ready to go on a rant for being surrounded by reminders that my son wasn't with me anymore, when he should be, I was able to remind myself as I was being led to an exam room, that I don't know what the pregnant ladies in the waiting room are going through, or the mother with her newborn.  I didn't see the little girl, just heard her in her carriage.  For all I know, all or some of these people are going through hardships.  Perhaps some of those babies are rainbows.  Perhaps some of them are sick.  We are so quick to judge that we often forget that we aren't the only ones going through tough times.  Everyone has their "something" that they have to deal with.  Some seem trivial to others due to what they are going through, but it doesn't mean it isn't a hardship for another.

That being said, I hope the pregnant ladies I crossed paths with are healthy and I hope that their babies are healthy and go full term and have long lives.  I hope that little baby girl is healthy and happy and well cared for. 

The waiting room can be a hard place to be, but it can also be a place of hope, a place of future healing and a place to realize that while life can hand you the most rotten lemons in the world, there are other people who are handed just as many rotten lemons, sometimes more.  You aren't alone, whatever you are going through.

Kindness

Kindness is all around us but we don't always notice it or take the time to notice it.  I've received such kind feedback for my entries on the blog I created to honor my baby boy.  I thank you for all the support - from all around the world!

I've been touched to read stories about strangers being kind to strangers - on the train/metro, on the street, in the workplace.  I will do my best to obtain permission to share these stories.  Since they aren't mine, I don't want to just assume I can share them without asking.

Today, a co-worker of mine that I don't know very well took me out to lunch.  It was so kind and it touched me beyond words.  It isn't always easy to reach out to new people, and it isn't always easy to reach out to a grieving person.  When we grieve, we don't really know what we need and we often get the "let us know what you need" which personally I really appreciate.  Unfortunately, I haven't been able to take up anyone on it because I haven't known what I need.  What I need probably changes from day to day, from week to week.  I'd say, right now, I need to write and release my thoughts.  I'd say right now, occasionally it's nice to get out of my new routine and do something different.

I don't have too much to say tonight, apologies.  If you haven't already, I hope you will open your heart to the kindness of others even when you don't know them.  It can be so releasing - to be kind to a stranger and to be on the receiving end.  It feels really nice.

Thank you for the kindness you are putting out in the world.  Whether it's to honor Preston, a loved one you have lost, or just to make the world a better place. :) Have a good night <3

Holding On

I soloed my walk tonight.  Hubby was busy getting new tile for the floors with the help of our good friend.  Our carpets, which looked new when we bought the house 4 years ago have been ruined by our cats.  They've frayed all the edges with their claws.  It looks all rugged now.

 

So, equipped with my iPod, I walked the perimeter of our neighborhood and back listening to lyric after lyric, each of them reminding me of my son.  I won't lie, the first half of my walk was really difficult emotionally.  I'd opened the door to Preston's room prior to leaving, I'm not sure why....looking for a particular memory perhaps?  It didn't take long for them to all come flooding to me, all at once.  A rather intense feeling I wasn't ready for. 

 

As I walked through our neighborhood, I again realized that life has continued on without Preston.  The world keeps turning.  Life for everyone around us has gone back to normal while we need to adjust to a new normal; not that it feels normal.  It feels surreal still.  I wonder if it always will.  Don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone for going back to their life.  I don't hate anyone for having a life similar to what I've dreamed of for so long.  That type of attitude would get me nowhere and I don't feel it would help "me" heal.  It would be so easy to hide in my room, never to see a baby again, never to see a pregnant woman again, never to see baby things, commercials, happy families.  But I think I'd just be avoiding the inevitable.  Babies are everywhere.  Babies are the renewal of life, an eternal sign of hope.  I don't want to hide from that.  And even if I did, I'd eventually have to come out of my room and it would be that much harder.  Perhaps it's the one thing I can't procrastinate because it would be harder than facing life itself?  And I love my friends & family.  Most of them have their own little family now.  Their family, is our family.  So perhaps sometimes it's hard to be around babies, but that's ok.  I'm sure some things will forever be difficult.  Even if/when we have another baby, I'm sure a lot of things would be difficult when they should be happy.  Does any of this make sense?  Perhaps it doesn't, but I unfortunately believe it's reality.

 

So please, don't shut me/hubby out (not that anyone has).Metaphorically, don't shut out anyone who's experienced such a loss.  While not everyone is in the same place I am, everyone needs support.  I do hope that I'm not uncomfortable to be around.  I can certainly understand that I must seem like a zombie sometimes, motioning through life, but I really don't want to be.  I'm trying really hard to just live, breathe and not be negative.  Time may be forever frozen in Preston's room, but my life goes on too.  The days tick by, the pain becomes less sharp (although sometimes it doesn't).  My little boy may be frozen in time as a 16 week old, but his spirit will continue to live on within the people that loved him.

 

On a positive note, the second half of my walk was better.  A few songs left me in a better state of mind.  "Whenever You're Near Me":

Whenever you're near me
I give you everything I have
Someone to believe in
When things are good and when they're bad

 

Perhaps a little message to remind me that Preston is always with me wherever I go.

 

"Keep Holding On"

You're not alone, together we stand
I'll be by your side you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold, and it feels like the end
There's no place to go you know I won't give in
(Ah, Ah) No I won't give in (Ah, Ah-Ah)

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you

There's nothing you can say (Nothing you can say)
Nothing you could do (Nothing you could do)
There's no other way when it comes to the truth so

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

So far away, I wish you were here
Before it's too late this could all disappear
Before the doors close, and it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend

 

I hadn't seen any bunnies until that song came on.  He let me get pretty close (picture below).  This song used to have a different meaning for me.  It was one of the songs I chose to play at our wedding reception.  I felt it was so appropriate because though we were married, hubby & I still lived in different countries and would for another 5 months.  Yay immigration! :P

 

And finally, the last song I listened to before stepping into the house - "Anytime You Need a Friend":

If you're lonely, and need a friend
And troubles seem like
They never end
Just remember to keep the faith
And love will be there to light the way

Anytime you need a friend
I will be here
You'll never be alone again
So don't you fear
Even if you're miles away
I'm by your side
So don't you ever be lonely
Love will make it alright

 

Preston will always be there to listen to what I have to say (or think).  He'll always be there to remind me to do good and try to spread happiness and try to help others in difficult times.  Needless to say, what I'm going through is unimaginable to most (and should remain that way), but truly, "anytime you need a friend", I will be there.  Just reach out and I'll do what I can to help you, much like others have done for me, like others continue to do on a daily basis.  Thank you for all that you do for me, thank you for all that you do for hubby.  Thank you for all the good you do to those in your life.  If you don't hear it enough, thank you for all that you do.

 

 

 

 Miss you little man.  More than you could ever imagine.

 

Yellow

 

I'm sure I've mentioned how much Preston loved colors.  I thought that from time to time, I'd post about a color from the rainbow since those colors make me think of my angel.

 

I think I've often associated yellow with happiness, probably because it's the color of the universal smiley face.  I don't really associate yellow with Preston though.  He didn't wear yellow very often, perhaps because I didn't think it suited him well?  He did have a fleece onesie with ducks on it.  I bought it for him at Christmas.  I must admit he looked rather cute in it.  We had to be sure he stayed warm enough, especially the first month when he didn't have much "chub".  My son was 4 lbs 5 oz when he was born but was 18.5 inches long.  It's like he stopped getting nutrients or whatever it is that makes a baby gain fat in the womb.  I blame preeclampsia for that one.  He also had a 3 month onesie that he'd just started wearing.  I did really like that one, it had a bear on it.

 

Yellow like the sun...  the sun gives us light each day, gives us hope.  A sunny day, is a happy day with children running all around playing games.  Do they play outside as much as we did when we were young?  It doesn't seem like it, but perhaps I'm not home during the day to notice.  Sunny days do bring happiness though.  I remember vividly when I was a cashier at the grocery store and it would rain for 5-6 days straight... people would get grumpy!  So the sun, should make me think of Preston.  Breathe in the day Cat, the sun brings growth to your garden and to everything around you.

 

Yellow like the rubber ducky thermometer for your bath.  Preston's first baths were in those gray tubs we got from the hospital.  Gosh he was so tiny.  It was so difficult to give him baths in those tubs.  It was so nice when he was able to fit in the seated bath chair I got for him.  I think he was starting to show signs that he liked the water... not that he ever showed signs of not liking it.  He did love it once he was clean and dry though.  A happy baby indeed.  I miss those special times, the routine of getting his bath ready, cleaning him up and getting him changed into a new outfit and then rocking him to sleep.  Cherish those memories and don't let them fade away.

 

Yellow like the infant formula box you never got to try.  While it said "3 months and up", I wanted to wait until Preston was 4 months old, given that he came 5 weeks early.  I thought, the newborn formula was probably better for him at that point in time (not that he was on a strictly formula diet - though he was getting there).  I was going to switch him to it 1 week after he passed away.  We had his 4 month check-up just 6 days later.  If only... there comes that vicious circle again.  See how easy it can be to go down that road?

 

Duck and bear onesies, smiley faces and the sun, rubber duckies... they all remind me of Preston.  And who could forget - the cover of "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish"... it's yellow :)

 

As I often, if not always, think of Preston during my almost nightly walks with hubby, seeing the yellow flowers posted above remind me of my son.  They are hearty yet delicate, vibrant and easily sway in the wind; they are everywhere we go.  Preston may have been delicate when he was born, but he was a little fighter, regardless of what took him away from us, regardless of what anybody may say.  He was vibrant and full of life, always kicking and squirming.  He wanted to see everything and always wanted to be moving.  Just like the yellow flowers, he is everywhere we go as he will always remain in our hearts.

 

Tonight, I ask that you say a little prayer for my friend "Ajay" from the Babycenter community.  Her son Silas' 1st birthday is tomorrow.  Send her peace and send her strength.  While I may not yet know how difficult the 1st birthday of a child that is no longer with you is, I will one day experience it, and I know it will be one of the most difficult days I have yet to face.  Thinking of you Ajay. I'm with you in spirit - all day long. xoxox

Take Control

Friday, my day started with a woman getting on the train and sitting in front of me.  She was using a portable oxygen dispensing machine.  I felt sad for her because she had to deal with this struggle... until I got a wiff of her.  She reeked of cigarette smoke.  It was bad...and that just got me pissed off.  Lady, take a hint!! If you need an oxygen dispenser to help you make it through each day, maybe it's time to quit smoking!

There are things in life that we can't control.  I can't control the fact that I have Crohn's Disease.  I can't control the fact that my son passed away from SIDS or SUDS or SUID, whatever you want to call it.  No one knows what causes either of these.  Everyone has things they can't control in their life.  The examples I listed are the 2 that affect me the most.

While I can't control the fact that I have Crohn's Disease, I can control my way of life.  I seek treatment to keep my chronic illness under control.  I've had surgery to give me quality of life.  As part of my new beginnings, I've been trying to take walks every day and recently started counting calories (as much as that sucks).  I've lost 2 pounds this week by just controlling how I live my life. 

I can't control that I lost my son to unexplained reasons.  It is the most pain I've ever felt and I've had my share of painful experiences.  I can't bring him back, I can't change the past.  But I can share my experience to try and help others, whether they've lost a child or just need some other form of motivation.  I remember the happiness Preston brought to my life and I can try to find some form of happiness every day to honor his memory.  While no day feels like a happy day, I believe most days have very happy moments.  It's all I can do for now, and that's ok.  Sometimes, we just have to take things...one day at a time, one moment at a time.  Keep that in mind for that next rough day you have - one day at a time.

 

And yes, if there's anything in your life that is making you unhappy, or that you find yourself complaining about - take control.  You can do more than you think.  I can't promise that what you can do will be easy, but in the end, it will be control.  You can do it!  Are there things in your life that you think you good do to make it happier, healthier, or just better in general?

Picture taken last weekend (I wasn't driving don't worry), on our way to Black Hawk. The snow-capped mountains were beautiful looking.  I chose this picture because for the most part - you can control where you live and I'm happy that we live in such a beautiful area.

Just another day

Today was just an ordinary day.  Nothing spectacular happened, no signs.  It wasn't a particularly easy day.  Painful conversations, yet conversations that needed to happen.  Preston would have turned 7 months today.  While I didn't feel sad thinking about what today represented, the loss did sink in a little more.  Those vivid images from the day we lost him on made an appearances in my mind again.  Each time it happens, I have to force myself to think about something else because that memory is just too much to take.  For now anyways, that's what I have to do for me.

Hubby and I took a nice walk again today.  The garden continues to sprout - tomatoes, parsley, cucumber and catnip sprouts are starting to peak through.  I'm curious to see what the cats think about fresh catnip!

The sunsets have been really pretty lately - or perhaps I just notice them more because I'm home before dark and I'm not so preoccupied with a newborn.  The skies are really interesting here.  The clouds feel so close... like you could jump right onto one.

I don't have much to say today other than - some days are more difficult than others.  When they are, I try to find something that will bring me peace, comfort or make me smile.

So today, my sprouting garden made me smile... a sign of life, a sign of hope.  I watched a video of my son a few moments ago and that too made me smile.  We were playing "this little piggy" which he seemed to enjoy for a few weeks...though he'd get kind of upset when "this little piggy got none".  I told you he was smart right?

And lastly, I looked at some pictures.  Some of him, some from long ago - like the picture below.  That was the view from my apartment before I moved to the States.  Gosh it was peaceful and stunning.  I really miss the water.  But the mountains, the calm air and the closeness of the clouds often seem to make up for it.  We live in beautiful places without even realizing it sometimes.  Too caught up in our every day routines and rushing through life before realizing it has past us by.  Where do the days go? Where does time go?  How does time feel in heaven?  I heard someone say that time in heaven goes so slowly, that our loved ones don't have time to miss us because we'll join them in what feels like the next moment to them.  Perhaps it's true, and perhaps I can find a little comfort in that.

Thinking of you Preston, on what would have been your 7 month "birthday".  I know I shouldn't make milestones out of everything, but I'm ever so aware of the days.  Mama loves you forever.

Signs

I didn't realize we were expecting rain today.  It rained downtown while I was at work, the story told by the puddles on the pavement as I awaited for the train to arrive.  It seemed the storm was moving north and I was heading south.  Good, I thought, I want to get my walk in.  I don't want to take a walk in the pouring rain.

The storm may have gone north, it may have turned around or we may have gotten a completely different one.  As I finished eating my dinner, there was the rain.  It was a soft rain, but it was windy, chilly and the rain felt so cold that I though, oh well... the walk will have to wait until tomorrow.

The rain diminished rather quickly though and hubby and I decided, let's go for our walk, even if it's still drizzling a little bit.  As we walked toward the park, we heard music getting louder.  An outdoor concert? On a Wednesday?  I guess it is summer vacation for a lot of people.  And so, today we took our walk to the park.  I turned around before crossing the street and was stunned to see two beautiful rainbows; one brighter than the other.  One saying - look at me.  One saying, "hi mama!".

Because there's no "hard" evidence, it's sometimes hard to believe in signs from our loved ones who have passed, it's hard to understand if heaven really exists.  You have to believe to believe, and while I've always believed in God, there's something about losing your baby that brings a lot of doubt to the forefront of your mind.  I want to believe, I don't want to have doubts, but these days, it's very difficult.  I still think of myself as Christian, but yes, I will admit to it, my faith is definitely shaken.

At the same time, it's easy to blame God when you have nothing else to blame.  I don't want to blame Him, but some days, I can't help it.  Yet, I know in my heart that God is not cruel.  He would not take away my son to teach me a lesson, or make me see the bigger picture.  That is a cruel lesson that no one deserves.  So if not God, then what is there to blame?  The free will that he gave us?  Sin?  Perhaps this is a topic for another time...

I want to believe in heaven, and I want to believe in signs from my beautiful little Preston.  And so, most days, I do.  I want to have the hope to see him again one day.  It would be even more heartbreaking if there was no hope to see him again.  So, I have to keep my faith, even if it is somewhat shattered.  My faith makes me I believe I've gotten many signs - the following being the most significant ones.

I think I already shared this story:  I was working at my kitchen table sometime in late March, maybe early April, when a snow storm came in.  Much like today, I had no idea that we were expecting a snow storm, yet the snow kept coming down like it was going to snow all day... within 10-15 minutes, it was over and the sun was shining brightly.  It was like God, or Preston, was telling me: "Don't worry, as the storms come and go, so will your emotions, but they will pass, and the sun will always come back out".  It made me smile, and it gave me solace.

Another day, in April, I was on my way to my OBs office to have my BP checked (still on BP meds today 7 months postpartum due to preeclampsia) and I asked God to send me a clear sign of something that would remind me of Preston to let me know He was watching over him and that Preston didn't suffer.  I missed my exit so I took the following one, and parked.  I thought to myself, hey this way was actually quicker! On my way into the building, there was a pregnant lady wearing a maternity shirt that I wore during my pregnancy. It made me think if Preston instantly.  Had I taken the "right" exit, I most likely would not have seen this woman.  I then pushed the 3rd floor elevator button...thinking, wait is that the right floor?  Just as I was getting to the third floor, I realized, I realized I needed to go to the 2nd floor.  Oh well, I thought, I'll have to go back down after I get to the third floor.  The doors opened to the third floor and a lady came on; she worked at the pediatricians office we took Preston to and again it made me think of my little boy.

On Mother's Day, we were supposed to go up to the mountains and spend the day with hubby's parents.  I love my husband's family.  They are my family and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world, but I wanted to stay home.  Home is where Preston was happy.  Home is where I feel close to him.  It snowed so much on Mother's Day that it was dangerous to go out on the road, so I got my wish and we stayed home.  I take it as my Mother's Day gift from Preston. Thank you baby.

I've already posted about bunnies.  While I didn't see any tonight, or I never seem to see them when I actually look for them, I see them most days.  Preston's sent me a few rainbows.  The one when I was on the train in April, the one in the pasta isle a few weeks ago, the one in the pinwheel yesterday and today's rainbow.  Had I not gone for the walk, I wouldn't have seen it.  Had we not gone toward the outdoor concert, I wouldn't have seen it since it was behind us.  So, while I seem a little wishy washy about it, I do believe in signs.  I wish I could get a hello every day, but perhaps angels can't give signs on a daily basis.  Perhaps they give them to us when we need them the most.  Perhaps they give them to us when we need inspiration, or a hug.  Keep those signs coming lovey.  I cherish every single one.

Have you gotten any signs from loved ones who have passed? Do you believe in them, in heaven?

Talent shows

We recently started watching "America's Got Talent" again.  It's been a nice surprise.

I tried watching "American Idol" when it first started but I didn't find it enjoyable because during the auditions, they continually made fun of people who couldn't sing.  I think they even had an episode for the worst talent.  How unnecessarily cruel. 

I liked the concept of "The Voice" and while I don't watch it religiously by any means, I think that when they do show someone who didn't make it, they actually give positive criticism.  There's no cruel comments, or laughing.

I watched "AGT" when it first started and it was similar to what I remember from "American Idol".  They showed a lot of bad acts; they made fun of some of the acts and it just felt like cruel treatment to people who are probably already feeling down on themselves.  You might say it's part of the show and they probably sign something that says they can be made fun of, but still - really who enjoys that?  How would you feel if you thought you were good at something and then you are ridiculed.  Not just in front of judges and the audience, but then in front of the world.

This season, the unsuccessful acts seem to not make it to the air as much, which I appreciate.  We just watched tonight's episode and I found myself smiling for the most part of the show.  It was nice.  There's a lot of touching stories about overcoming fears, illnesses, loss.  You can see the courage it takes some people to go up there and share their talent.  It's a sign of hope - and when you have gone through a loss as tragic as losing a child, hope is hard to find.

So thank you AGT.  Thank you for restoring my faith by not constantly making fun of people or at least not making a spectacle of it.  Thank you for the touching stories.  Thank you for bringing a beam of hope into our lives.  If you haven't checked out this season yet, and you are looking for a summer show, try AGT - I hope it will make you smile like it did me.  Here's one of the stories I found really touching https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XO-abUhL_Ws.

On a totally side note - I saw two rainbows today.  One shared from across the border (thank you Sherri!) and one during my walk with hubby tonight.  Someone had a rainbow pinwheel in their garden.  We walked down some paths we hadn't gone down yet.  And I also saw many bunnies :)

Fog

I've come to know that there are many stages of grief (though there is no set "path" for grief): Anger, shock/denial, guilt, depression/feeling alone, acceptance/hope, need to help/need to share.  There are probably many more stages.  Everyone deals with grief differently and whatever way you deal with your grief - it's ok!  There's no set path.  You don't have to go through anger, shock and depression.  You can go from anger to guilt and back to anger.  You can go from depression to hope to anger. 

Last night I found myself asking this question...am I still in that fog phase?  Is my brain still in "protection mode"?  Does my brain somehow sometimes pretend like we're living a life before Preston was born?  I know I was initially in shock, for a few weeks... Those weeks are definitely blurry.  I remember the day he passed.  Every time I think of it, it's like being stabbed by a sharp knife - only worse.  I remember going to the funeral home to plan his memorial and make a decision regarding burial or cremation... But at the same time, everything is so blurry.  This isn't right.  These aren't decisions or emotions anyone should have to feel.

Yet, it's reality.  A lot of people go through this.  Miscarriages occur more often than anyone realizes.  Stillbirths are unfortunately still a very common thing.  And while SIDS is rare, it still happens often enough that it should be a real concern for our society - yet how often do you hear about such stories?  They are often kept hush-hush, because the loss of a child is that horrible.  Unfortunately that means a lot of people are left trying to deal with this grief alone.  They are expected to "move on" when really, losing your baby is not something you can get over.  Other children will not replace the child you lost.  Time will help, but it will never completely heal this giant wound.  And quite honestly, no my baby is not in a better place - my baby was in a perfect place with his mama and daddy.  Yet, these are comments that are often made to grieving parents.  If you aren't sure what to say, just offer a shoulder to lean on and open your heart to them and listen.  They probably have things to share (feelings, stories, etc.).  Don't judge - remember, everyone grieves differently and all grieving parents deal with guilt.  We place enough blame on ourselves.

My husband and I are blessed in the sense that we haven't had to deal with too much of that.  We've got a wonderful support system.  So, thank you, if you are part of our support group.  You know who you are.

Going back to the fog - for me it's gone hand in hand with guilt.  How can I smile every day?  Why aren't I totally broken into a million pieces?  What's wrong with me?  I think about Preston every day, and I know he's gone.  I'm certainly not in denial.  Why does it feel like I'm not reacting normally?

Vicious circle right?  I bet you can imagine from those few questions how easy it can be to drive yourself crazy with guilt.  I've had days where those questions just came one after the other.

So really, how I am able to smile every day?  I got to know this perfect little person called Preston.  I got to teach him things and got to make him smile.  I got 16 wonderful weeks with him, even if some of them were scary.  He didn't get as many milestones as he would have if he was still here, but I was so proud of my boy.  So, that makes me smile.  Remembering, seeing his pictures, watching his videos (when I can).  Seeing things around the house that remind me of him, or getting "signs" if you believe in those.

I smile because I truly believe he would want me to.  I smile to honor his short life and his memory.  I hope you will smile too as you read my story.  Perhaps you will cry too, and that's ok.  You aren't alone ;)

Really, how can you not smile at that little face?

Big Cats

Preston would watch "Big Cat Diary" on Animal Planet with his Dad for his first feeding at 5am.  As he ate, he would watch all the colors on the big painting behind our couch, but when he was done and had burped, he would sit on his father's lap and watch lions, cheetahs and leopards.  He enjoyed the fast movement and the colors of the jungle and savannahs and the calm voice of the narrator.  It was a special time between father and son.  I'm sad that it isn't something that they'll get to do again.  I know how much my husband misses Preston.

Before Preston was born, I had bought him a Halloween costume - a 9 month old size.  I don't know that it would have quite fit him since he was born 5 weeks early but we would have tried nonetheless.  The costume? A lion.  I think it's kind of cool since he ended up liking big cats like the lion. 

We received a nice blanket from my aunt and uncle and it had a lion on it.  It was his favorite blanket - so soft.  It also had a lion on it.  Again, a nice coincidence given that his theme was bears.  This blanket had been sitting in his car seat since the day he passed away.  I took it out today, smelled it, hugged it.  I'm glad to have it and I'm glad that it kept him warm, and brought him comfort for naps in my arms and in his bassinet that we kept in the living room for his daytime naps.  Soon enough, he would have been too big for it.  Now, it will bring me a different kind of comfort.

We went to a casino resort over the weekend.  Among other things, I played 2 slot machines  - "Big Cats" and "Royal Lion".  It made me smile to see these "big cats" as it made me think of my son - so captivated by what these animals were doing on the big screen.  I am sure most parents dream and theorize about what their child will do, what they will be good at.  We do that too, and while we will never get to really know, I think there are things that we know for certain.  We know our boy was smart.  We know he was learning so fast already at such a young age.  We know that he would have found something that would have made him truly happy.  It's never too late to realize your dreams, do what makes you happy.

Forever seeing big cats anywhere will remind me of my sweet P.  While I don't foresee seeing a lion, cheetah or leopard in my backyard anytime soon, it's nice to find them randomly - like in a casino.  Forever, big cats will make me smile.

New beginnings

For the past several weeks the ladies on the BabyCenter forums have been setting new beginnings for themselves.  It gave me motivation to set small goals for myself.  Since we lost Preston, I've had to create a new mantra for myself - one day at a time.  Sometimes, that means one moment at a time, or one step at a time.

The first weeks, maybe even the first month after losing Preston is still kind of a fog.  I don't think about that time very often, but I know that I had to take small steps into returning to a new routine.  Going to the grocery store was a challenge.  I know it sounds really silly.  I used to do groceries Saturday morning and then I'd spend all day with Preston.  It was a wonderful time, especially after returning from work since I now had less time with my little boy.  The first 4-5, maybe even 6 times I had to go to the grocery store... I bought the bear minimum and rushed back home.  There were what felt like cruel reminders that my son was gone - all the Easter decorations and goodies; the baby isle; the lonely car ride back home.  But, time does help things and I am able to do the groceries again without it being too painful.  There are times I completely avoid the baby aisle like the plague.  Other times, I kind of find myself looking at things I would have bought and it does make me smile.

What I mean by all this is, a new beginning doesn't have to be something big.  It can be something small.  It can be as simple as just getting yourself out of bed if you are struggling with a loss.  It can be something as simple as taking a small walk around the block.  It can be as simple as cutting out an item of food out of your diet.  How often do you tell yourself "tomorrow"? And how often does "tomorrow" turn into weeks, months, years?  I myself have been guilty of that sooo often.  So this thread that was created on BabyCenter have really helped me feel accountable.  I want to feel accountable because I need to be able to have new beginnings and I also want to help others feel like they aren't alone.  Hopefully, fulfilling a new beginning will help motivate someone else.  Sound silly?  I hope not.

My new beginnings: taking daily walks with my hubby, planting a garden (and hopefully it will grow!), cutting out carbonated drinks from my diet (allowing myself to have them Fridays - if I want, or when I'm out with friends).

How successful have I been?  We've taken evening walks most days, with the exception of rainy days and last week when my hubby work functions that went into the evening.  I did however go for a 2 mile walk with my friend Patty last Sunday and when we went to the ball game on Wednesday, we walked 1.25 miles to and from the ball park to where my car was parked for the day.  My hubby built me a nice garden and I planted the seeds last weekend.  We'll see if they start sprouting this week.  I'm kind of excited.  I've only had 2 carbonated drinks in the past 2 weeks.  Pretty good :)  And lastly, I've created this blog.  I hope that it's helpful to others.

Regardless of how big or small new beginnings are, accomplishing goals we set for ourselves are good for the soul.  They make you proud of yourself, they help you do things that are probably good for you, they help keep you balanced and sane in hard times, they give you reasons to be, they make you smile.

So why not set yourself a little goal, a new beginning?  I'm sure there are things you've been meaning to do.  Perhaps you aren't having breakfast every day?  Perhaps you want to lose 5 pounds?  Perhaps you've been meaning to try yoga?  Whatever it is, go for it!  Remember, "tomorrow" can easily become "years later".  Don't let time pass you by.  Smile, do something for you!  What will be your new beginning?

3 months

I can't believe it's already been three months since I last saw my little boy smile, since I last held him and kissed him.  At the same time, it seems like it's been an eternity since he's left us.  Time is so relative.  Half of 2014 has already come and gone.

I miss his sweet coos, his constant kicks, his soft cry, how he got calm the second he saw his bottle.  I miss reading "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish", his favorite book (or maybe mine?).  I miss seeing his smile.

I thought today would be pretty tough, but it hasn't been half as bad as I thought.  My friends at work have been incredibly supportive.  My family, near and far have been reaching out and showing their support as much as possible.  I received an incredibly touching letter from my aunt Jocelyn today.  Perhaps I will share it one day.  Our friends, again near and far, have shown a lot of support as well.  We are incredibly lucky to have such an awesome support system.  I've also found a lot of support and understanding on the BabyCenter community from women from all around who are experiencing loss.  And lastly, we've found support in our local community with other parents who have experienced a SIDS loss.

This weekend, hubby and I will be taking it easy.  I've taken him out of town for father's day weekend because I want him to know how special of a person he is and how much of an exceptional father he is.  Our son might not be physically present with us, you may not be able to see him, but my husband will forever be a father - and what a father.  He cares so much.

I'm sorry that he will not get to teach Preston all the things that he would have liked to - baseball, how to fix a car, how to care for a house, how to be a great and respectable man.  I'm sorry that he won't get to play catch with him, and trucks and Legos.  I am so proud of what he was already teaching our son, and I have no doubts in my mind that Preston would have become a wonderful decent person because of what his father would have shown him.

While sadness will always be around us, we will make the most of every day we have together.  Our son remains in our hearts and how can that not make us smile every day? 

Rain and rainbows

We got a little bit of rain today... well actually the only rain I know about was the few drops that fell as I was driving home from work.  I was hoping to see a rainbow, but no such luck today...which is a little sad considering we won't be getting much more rain until the fall which probably means not many rainbows.

If you've had a miscarriage, a stillbirth or have lost a child, you are probably well versed in the meaning of rainbows.  Rainbows are associated with losing a baby.  They say when you are pregnant after a loss, you are expecting a rainbow baby.  It's a special time with a hopeful outcome after a storm.  It's often said that if you see a rainbow, it's a sign from your angel baby.

Preston was a rainbow baby, as I lost his brother or sister at 9 weeks in 2012.  It was a very sad loss, though we were able to recuperate when I ended up in the hospital a few months later with a bowel obstruction.  I believe if I somehow managed to stay pregnant for another 3 months, my hospitalization would have made it a really difficult pregnancy, and probably not a viable pregnancy.  It brings me solace that my little one didn't have to suffer through that.  If/when we are ready to try again, we will look forward to another rainbow.  Preston was for sure special like a rainbow...more special.

I didn't get to see a rainbow today, but I have seen a few in the past 3 months.  I saw two strips of rainbow at the end of April.  It was very odd.  It was before 7am as the sun was coming up.  It had not rained and in the sky, right above the clouds, there were 2 strips of rainbow - horizontal rainbows.  I thought of Preston instantly and my other little angel.  I tried to take a picture of it (below), but it came out as a beam of light.  It makes me believe even more that it was a little hello from my son.  I was trying to talk to God that morning and for the past week, just begging to get a sign that my little boy was ok in heaven and that he didn't suffer.  While it doesn't begin to mend my broken heart, it did lessen the pain...somehow.

We had some rain a couple weeks ago, and I thought maybe I'd get another hello from Preston.  Try as I may, I could not find a rainbow.  A fellow angel mom did get to see one and instantly thought of her little Devlin and of Preston.  I can't say how much that touched me, that she thought of my sweet P.  Thank you Jamie.  It really profoundly touched me.  As Jamie was watching the rainbow from her side of town, I stopped to get some groceries, and before I even realized what was going on, I was in front of rainbow pasta...I needed some rotini.  I guess I got my hello, and as I told Jamie, someone was trying to be a funny little angel.  It made me smile and I ended up buying it.

Next time you see a rainbow, think of Preston.  He's saying hello and saying: smile, it's going to be a good day.

Tired

I was really tired all day today.  Didn't sleep well again last night, seems to happen a lot.  I have a hard time falling asleep and I wake up 4-5 times a night and just can't seem to fall right back asleep.  Missing Preston is really hard.  The evenings were ours and I miss that. 

Tonight, I'm tired, but for a different reason.  We went to a baseball game tonight.  A little bittersweet as we were looking forward to taking our little guy this summer, but nonetheless we had a nice time.  It was a cool night, a little bit of drizzling rain throughout the first couple of innings...  The pitcher had just been called from the minors and he played a heck of a game.  Shut-out pitching until the 7th.  Pretty good for a rookie...a symbol of hope for a struggling team?  Metaphorically, a symbol of hope for everyone?  There is hope all around us, even if it's ever so hard to find sometimes.

Anywho, hope is not the point of my entry tonight.  I'm tired, but I had a nice time tonight.  Reminds me of all those nights where I'd wake up every 2 and a half hours to pump and then feed Preston.  You hear how incredibly tired it is when you first have a baby.  I never thought it was so bad.  I was tired, but I was so happy to have him that I didn't care.  I think it only happened a couple times that I was just too tired to stay up with him.  You made it easy kiddo. ;)

The point of my entry probably isn't clear and I feel like I'm rambling.  My point is, we all get tired.  Sometimes we are more tired than other times, but think about the reason behind why you are tired.  Is it because you went out with friends and had a good time?  Maybe you went to see a late movie with your spouse?  Perhaps you spent the night rocking your little baby?  Consider this - if you had a good time, if you are with your loved ones, is it really all that bad that you are tired?  Life is so precious.  Not much to complain about right?

I hope this isn't coming off as rude or with bad intentions.  Being tired tonight comparatively to yesterday just made me realize that it's easy to take things for granted.  Not sure this spreads happiness, but I think it kind of goes hand in hand with "enjoying the small things".  Don't let life pass you by because you are holding on or letting the negativity in...

Alright, I might start rambling again if I keep going...sleep tight... I hope I do :)

Bunnies

We live in an area where bunnies (or hare if you rather) are abundant.  I guess it's true that they multiply.  It's funny though, I've never noticed them much.  I'd see one here and there.  Since we started taking daily walks (ok, almost daily...), I see them everywhere.  I feel that somehow, it's Preston saying hello.  It's weird that I feel that way because I've never associated bunnies with Preston.  The theme of his room was bears (Chicago Cubs, Chicago Bears, Teddy Bears) and he had a couple Fisher Price "Snugapuppy" items (swing, bouncer).  Perhaps it's because they looked more like bunnies than puppies?  I always called them doggies, asking Preston "are you getting the doggies?"

The bunnies bring a smile every time I see them, even if it's on our lawn which makes hubby upset because he doesn't want them eating our lawn, lol.

Keep the bunnies coming love.  I think of you every time I see them.

It's the little things...

There's a saying: "Don't sweat the small stuff".  I used to stress out about every little thing.  It was to the point that it would make my stomach turn.  It was ridiculous little things like so & so is late to pick me up, maybe something happened to them.. and literally, they were just 2 minutes late.

When I had a bowel obstruction in May 2012 and had a 9 day hospital stay, I realized that worrying did me absolutely no good.  Worrying that I had a bowel obstruction did me no good - it certainly didn't make it go away.  Worrying that I might need surgery did me no good - if I needed surgery, then I needed surgery and that was the end of it.  It's like a switch went off in my brain and it totally shut off the concept of stress.  I no longer feel stressed, and I hardly ever worry.  I can't say I never worry, that might be inhuman, but I have certainly decreased the amount of time I spend in a day worrying about this and that.  Life is what it is.  Good times, bad times, happy times, sad times. 

There doesn't seem to be a standard for how much good, bad, happiness and sadness one person will get in a lifetime.  Some people will experience a lifetime of misery.  Others will know nothing but happiness.  It is highly unfair, I must agree.  I feel like I've been through the ringer more than my fair share.  But life doesn't work on quotas.  You are dealt a certain hand and you must learn to live by what's in the cards for you.  So why not make the most of it when you do have control over the little things?

It is so easy to make another person smile.  Sometimes, you might be sitting next to someone who is having or about to have the worse day of their life and perhaps putting a smile on this person's face can make a big difference in how they will handle their struggle.  Say hello to a passing neighbor while walking your dog, hold the door for the person behind you as you get to work, give up your seat on public transportation for someone who looks like they could use it more than you. 

It's easy to make someone that you love smile; make their favorite meal, tell them you love them without paying so much attention to your iPhone, hug your kids.  Send a out of the blue text to a friend you haven't spoken to in forever, just because.  Say "I love you" more often.  Bring flowers for the hostess of your next friends get-together.

There are so many little things out there that are free but that we're often just too busy to notice because we lead such busy lives.  We're so used to be able to have everything at our fingertips that we often take for granted the beauty that is around us.

Put your phone, computer, tablet down for an hour or two tonight or tomorrow and look around you.  Can you name five things (aside from the obvious kids, spouse, family & friends) that make you happy?  Feel free to share yours below.

Mine: Walking around our neighborhood, baking a cake, watching 'FRIENDS", water(lakes, oceans) and a warm bath.

Spreading Happiness for Preston

Losing a child is something you never want to imagine and also something you never think will happen to you.  Unfortunately, the reality is, life is really precious and we can lose someone/anyone, in the blink of an eye.

My son, Preston, passed away on March 13th, 2014.  He was 16 weeks old.  He was at daycare and never woke up from a nap.  He simply stopped breathing and we have no explanation.  We most likely never will, unless someone is able to figure out one day, what causes SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) or SUDI (Sudden Unexplained Death in Infancy).  I pray that one day we can figure out what is ripping our babies away from us so tragically.

I've always felt that my son embodied happiness.  I mean, the little guy was only upset when he was wet.  And I mean 1 drop of pee and the boy needed a new diaper, not that I ever really minded.  In truth, it gave me that extra time to spend with him that I wouldn't  have gotten otherwise.  But, to get back to the point, my son was pure happiness.  His smile was contagious.  His giggle was intoxicating and his coos were just sweet, sweet music to my ears.

Losing him has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with, and unfortunately, I've had my share of hardships (more about that another time).  I am pretty broken as part of my heart died when he did.  I feel like all my hopes and dreams have been shattered, but some how, some way, I continue to be, and continue to "truck on".  I am able to get out of bed every day and go to work.  I am able to smile almost every day. 

How is that even possible?  I know, I ask myself the same thing every day.  I think it's several things:
1. Our support system has been absolutely amazing.  I've read a lot of stories about loss and I honestly feel blessed to have such kind hearted people in my life.
2. My husband and I have been able to be open about our feelings.  Most of the time, if I'm weak, he's able to be strong, and vice-versa.  Granted we definitely have had moments where none of us are strong, and we are grieving differently, but I think openly being able to talk about how we're feeling and what we're thinking about and respecting that in each other, has helped us be where we're at today.
3. Our faith.  Don't get me wrong, my faith is definitely shaken.  I prayed every single night to God for him to watch over Preston as we slept; to make sure he kept breathing (he was a premmie, so I worried more than I think I would have had he gone full term).  I feel like He let us down.  I feel like my prayers have been ignored.  Granted he didn't pass away while we were sleeping, he was at the nanny's house having an afternoon nap and never woke up, but still - I'm sure God knew that my prayers meant that I was asking for him to watch over him whenever we weren't around.  But, no God I know would purposely take my son away from me.  God is not evil.  So why is my son gone?  I probably will never understand.  I have days where I am furious with God.  I have days where I ask God for signs that my son is ok.  I feel like I've gotten a few.  Anywho, I've learned from other people who've had losses that faith can often lift you up during a hard time... perhaps it's true?
4. Preston himself.  As I said earlier, he embodied happiness, so I truly feel that he would want me to smile as often as possible.  For that reason, I try to smile every day.  I think I've succeeded most days.

Losing a child, it seems often gives you a need to want to help others.  Perhaps it's our mothering nature?  I don't have much else to offer as an explanation.  I'm hoping that my blog can help others who are going through a loss, or have gone through a loss.  I'm hoping that it can help our world be a happier place by hearing how others are spreading happiness.  I would be so blessed if anyone decided to spread a little bit of happiness in honor of my son, Preston.  My ultimate goal, is to try and get everyone I know, spread a little happiness on his birthday, November 19th.  If everyone I know, tells everyone they know, etc. etc., couldn't we create a really happy day and make the world a better place?

Hearing Jackson 5's "I'll Be There" on Pandora last week (twice in the span of 30 minutes - the original by Jackson 5 and then Mariah Carey's version), really reinforced my need to do this.  If we can get as many people doing something to make someone happy on his birthday and get #SpreadHappinessForPreston trending, it would give so much meaning to my little boy's life.  I would be so honored that I am this little angel's mama.

"You and I must make a pact
We must bring salvation back
Where there is love, Ill be there
Ill reach out my hand to you
Ill have faith in all you do
Just call my name and Ill be there"
Read more: Jackson 5 - I'll Be There Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Good night my sweet Preston.  Mama loves you forever.