Allergy triggered memory

This creature causes my nose to run, my eyes to water and itch and make me sneeze.  It isn't always the case, but there are some days where it gets pretty hard to tolerate.  Last night was one of those nights.  I took a Benadryl and hey, I did sleep great!  My allergies were still present this morning though, so I took a Claritin instead, as it doesn't make me drowsy.  

As I was dealing with the symptoms that accompanies my allergies to cats, I was transported back to my pregnancy with Preston.  It was amazing.  While I was pregnant, I had no allergies.  No symptoms.  No nothing.  Crohn's was in total remission too.  I felt like Preston had magical powers, because I'd never read that pregnancy could cute allergies, even if only during pregnancy.  Now, when I have severe symptoms due to allergic reactions, I long to have Preston in my womb again.  Who wouldn't want such a little miracle? :)

I find it amazing how many random things can trigger memories of Preston, considering how short a time he was with us.  There are definitely some things I would prefer to avoid thinking about, but there's a lot of good.  Consider Calex herself.  The cats didn't seem to care for Preston much.  We paid a lot less attention to them, and Preston would make noises and his movements were rapid, sharp and unpredictable.  They stayed away from him for the most part.  However, they were starting to warm up to him.  I was taking a video of Preston once, and Calex decided to rub her body against his bouncer.  To a cat that can mean "that's mine" or "I love you".  I rather like to think they were starting to warm up to him, and get used to the changes in our lives.

I'll never really know whether they would have ended up warming up to him.  I was often scared that they might scratch him, or jump on him, but they never did.  I think that counts for something.  I look forward to the next random thought about Preston, the next memory that I didn't will into my mind, but rather the next one that takes me by surprise.

Thanksgiving and memories

This time last year, I was standing in the parking lot at Target, waiting for them to open the doors for the Black Friday sales.  My intentions weren't to go shopping on Black Friday.  I had a newborn at home.  But he weighed just over 4 pounds, and he was so little that we couldn't have him sleep in his crib.  So I ventured off to Target to buy a bassinet.  It was cold, and there were so many people.  The line looped around the parking lot.  I found the perfect bassinet and somehow was able to have a clerk go check in the back if there were some, as there weren't any on the store floor.  It took awhile, as I'm sure the clerk was interrupted several times by mobs of customers.  I was lucky; there was one left in stock!  The clerk brought it to the customer service desk as I went to look for a couple more items, since I didn't have a cart.  They were all taken.  I remember buying at least another thing, not sure what.

The clerk at customer service was so nice and let me check out there, instead of making me head to the check out line where hundreds of people were standing.  I count my stars that he allowed me that courtesy.  An extra hour or two with my son, which to most people doesn't seem like a lot but to me, it's equivalent to years since I only got 16 weeks with him.

Brett set up the bassinet, and Preston slept in our room for a good 2 months.  In the middle of the night, I'd feed him in the rocking chair that is still in his nursery.  After he'd eaten, and burped, I would rock him, or read to him, or sing to him.  I'd play lullabies for him, they would play from his swing as I rocked him in my arms.  There were nights, where he'd be asleep but as soon as I put him down in his bassinet, he would wake up and cry.  I found this one lullaby on YouTube, and would play it from my tablet, as I rocked the bassinet until he would fall asleep.  I did that for about 3 weeks, I think.

Today is Thanksgiving.  A day to be with family and celebrate all that we are thankful for.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  I know it.  I've written about it countless times.  It doesn't make it easier though.  Thanksgiving will forever be a monumental milestone for Preston - he came home.  Although his stay in the NICU was short, it was still terrifying.  The doctors and nurses were wonderful and their words comforted us - "Preston is in the NICU for the best of reasons; He's just really small, and needs to get a little stronger so that he cane control his own temperature and have enough energy to eat."  He did just that.  Everyone was pulling for him, and a Thanksgiving blessing - he came home that day.  We had a small feast at our house, as Brett's parents, his sister Erin and fiance Jason had come over with delicious food.

Today, I'm once again thankful for the 16 weeks I had with my son.  I don't understand why he had to go.  I never will.  I don't know that I'll ever really get fully past that.  I know he's in good hands, though I feel he'd be in better hands with me.  Is that wrong to say?  I am not trying to defy God, or say that I don't trust Him.  I do, I'm just still oh so hurt by the loss of my precious baby.  I'm still raging mad inside that Preston had to be one of the precious babies that didn't get to see his first birthday.  I'm still grieving.  I will be forever.  Ironically, I find comfort in that very notion - I will grieve forever, because that is how deep the love I felt for him, how deep the love I still feel for him.

I'm thankful for memories, even when they make me sad.  They are good memories.  Happy memories, and they are only made hard, because Preston is no longer here.  They are made difficult, because on such a family day, his presence is missed.  Holidays to me are family time, and something just feels off without him, even if we only had him for one Thanksgiving, one Christmas and one New Year.  One day at a time.  One holiday at a time.  One moment at a time.  You will make it through.  I'm still standing.

Picture Perfect

The sunrise this morning was beautiful.  It made me feel calm, it gave a nice start to the week.

Tonight was our support group meeting and the subject was regret, guilt and anger.  I've felt all these emotions.  Sometimes independently, sometimes all together.  I've written about guilt a lot and while sharing my thoughts about it helps, it always finds a way to creep back.  We had a small group tonight, just 6 of us and so it was easy to go on different tangents once we'd shared what we needed about the subject of the night.  I found out something rather interesting.  While, I am able to look at pictures of Preston every day, and even occasionally a video, many of the other parents can't.

Therefore on day 17 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am thankful for pictures.  Not exclusively photographs of Preston, but in large part yes.  I'm a very visual person.  I don't strive as well without first seeing how to do it.  I don't have the best memory in the world, and pictures help me recall memories more easily. I wouldn't remember the things I remember about my grandmother if it wasn't for photographs.  I wouldn't remember certain summer vacations, but pictures often trigger certain memories.  While we shouldn't spend our lives taking so many pictures that we miss the experience, photographs can make such an impact on your life. 

Additionally, some pictures can be inspiring.  Pictures can be the source of hope.  Coupled with words, they can be motivating, comforting.  They can be just plain beautiful, and be a symbol of serenity.  They can stimulate your other senses.  They can make you think.

I know that with time, memories start to fade.  I already can't remember Preston's cry, but thankfully I have videos of him cooing and giggling or at least his version of it.  I'm thankful for the pictures of him when he was really small, all the way to when he was starting to be a little chubby like a baby should be.  I'm so grateful for the videos and pictures I took.  I only have so many, and I can't get any more but I can't express how grateful  I am.  And I'm even more grateful that I can look at them.  Sure, there are days where it makes me cry.  But seeing that beautiful smile, can simply brighten up my day.  Hopefully it can brighten up just about anyone's day.

I feel blessed that for whatever reason, I am able to look at those pictures.  I know Brett isn't there, and it seems like several other parents aren't either.  And it certainly not because they don't want to look at their precious little one - the memories and the visual stimulation is just too hard to take - much like how I feel about thinking about the day we lost him.  Some people can share that story.  I can't.  I can't go there, allow my mind to go there.

We all heal differently.  I write.  I read about other experiences.  I allow the pain to creep through when it needs to, but I don't allow it to consume me.  I concentrate on the happy memories.  I try to smile to honor my happy boy gone too soon.  It works for me today.  It may not work in a couple months.  I don't know what the future holds, but all I can do is take it a day at a time and do what helps me feel like I'm continuing on a mending path.  How do you heal?