Sacrifices

I don't enjoy being in a foul mood and I seldom get angry.  It usually takes a lot to get under my skin, but since losing Preston, I've found that it is slightly easier for me to get mad.  The nice thing is, during one of my last group counseling sessions, I learned that just because I get angry, it doesn't make me an angry person.  Much like guilt, anger is a "normal" feeling when it comes to grief.

A couple months ago, I read an article that totally rubbed me the wrong way.  Yes, months ago.  That's how long I've been stewing before starting this post.  It was titled:  "10 Sacrifices Every Parent Makes That No One Talks About"

My first reaction was anger.  And that's only because my perspective is different from the majority of the population.  Most people have not lost a child, though that could be argued considering 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss.

One of the first thoughts I had was "Sacrifices?? Don't they know how lucky they are to have a child???"  Now, I'm not saying being a parent is easy.  While Preston did make it feel almost effortless to be a mom, it's not that there was no work involved.  It's not that I didn't get exhausted.  He was my life, meaning, I didn't have much time, if any for anything else between, him, work, hubby and chores.

Thing is, I didn't care.  It was wonderful.  And now, that he's not there anymore, I envy other parents.  And yeah, it stings when I read comments like "I don't ever have time for myself", or "OMG, my kids kept me up all night, they wouldn't sleep".  And I do get it, we are all human.  We need to express our frustrations, and complain, if only every now and then.

I've tried incredibly hard during this pregnancy not to complain, though my husband constantly reminds me that I didn't really complain with Preston either (love you honey).  It's mentally frustrating, and causes me extreme guilt whenever I do complain - whether it's because my back hurts, or because I have some acid reflux.  I'm so thankful to be pregnant and get the chance to be the mom to a living child again, that whenever I do complain, it just makes me feel awful.  It makes me feel like I'm being ungrateful for this little girl that's growing inside of me.  It makes me feel like I'm making light of what I've lost.

And that's just the grief talking really.  I'm human too, and I should be able to complain about back pain if I want to.  Or about craving a Pepsi.  At the same time, I do feel better in my skin when I minimize my complaining... I guess I'm still trying to find a happy medium.

What were the sacrifices mentioned in the article you ask?  It's beside the point that I'm trying to make, but most of them were really trivial - "I don't get to decide what we watch on TV."  "I have to be friends with the parents of my child's friends whether I like them or not."  "My child will just blurt out embarrassing secrets."  "I have to cook separate meals for everyone."  "I have to watch my language."  "I don't have time for my hobbies."  "We have no schedule, it's out the window." "I constantly have to explain sarcasm."  "I can't eat out without feeling guilty."  "I've had to forfeit spontaneity."

When you decide to become a parent, that comes with sacrifices.  We all know we're going to have to make sacrifices.  A lot of them.  And if that's something that you're going to hold against your kids, maybe it's just my grief talking, but maybe you should rethink the having kids thing.  It's so frustrating hurtful to see parents who neglect their children.  And I don't personally know anyone who does, but the news is always so riddled with these stories.  It makes me want to cry every time.  I was a good parent and I lost my child, and some people abuse their children and they keep theirs.  It makes no sense.

Moral of the story if I have one?  Again it's just because of the perspective I've earned through the loss of Preston.  Try not to see what you don't get to do as a sacrifice.  Try to see what you have as a privilege and a wonderful gift.  There's so much beauty in this world, and if we concentrate on the good, on the positive, take it from me, it can change the way you see the world.  It can turn most bad days into better days.  And don't we all deserve better days?  You have more power controlling that than you realize ;)

#SpreadHappinessForPreston - Year 2

Happiness is like jam.  You can't spread even a little without getting some on yourself. - Anonymous

2 months from today, my son Preston should have been turning two.  After he passed away from SIDS last year, I wanted to find a way to honor his life, and share all the happiness he showed me in his 16 weeks.  This is how I came up with #SpreadHappinessForPreston.  He radiated happiness, it seemed natural that sharing this contagious feeling would be the best way to pay tribute to this little guy who changed my life.

It's now been over a year and a half since I lost him, and he continues to teach me life lessons, even though the roles should be reversed.  He's taught me how to smile every day, because he wouldn't want me to always be sad.  He taught me how to appreciate the small things by opening my eyes.  Perspective has a lot to do with it.  He slyly has found a way to slowly help me regain my faith by sending signs in the shape of rainbows and bunnies.  And also, by reassuring me that his little sister, who we should meet in about 3 months, is doing well.  Anytime I get too nervous because I haven't felt a kick in a while, I think of him and little kicks are felt to bring me much needed comfort.  My daughter has quite the guardian angel.

November 19th, Preston's birthday, will be a day I hope brings happiness to as many people as possible.  I plan to promote it every year.  A day where everyone can spread a little happiness in the world.  A pay it forward day if you will.  A day where smiles inundate the world, and happiness is just felt everywhere you go.

The first SpreadHappinessForPreston day, 11/19/2014, was rather successful.  Random acts of kindness were made all over the world to honor my little boy.

• Several of my wonderful coworkers bought multi-colored balloons to be released for Preston's birthday (he loved colors).
• A star was named for Preston
• Books were donated to a school in Preston's name
• Donations to charities were made (SIDS foundation of America, Children's Hospital, and several others)
• Larger than normal gratuities were given away
• A memorial stone was given to us with Preston's name and birthdate
• Teddy bears were given to underprivileged children
• Doors were open for strangers
• Treats were brought in for colleagues
• Trees were planted to honor the children another family had lost
• Flowers were given away, just because
• My husband brought pizza over to the firehouse, for the men who tried to save our son
• We received a rainbow catcher, and too many other gifts.  

Those are just some of the acts of kindness that were shared with me.  Remember that money isn't necessary to spread happiness. 

• Hugs
• Smiles
• Saying things like "I love you" and "I appreciate you" to loved ones
• Share your favorite funny video or picture
• Cook your child's, or spouse's favorite meal
• Ask someone "How are you - really?" and listen
• Share happy memories or stories
• Think of someone you haven't thought of in a long time, and send them a text - letting them know you thought of them, and it made  you smile
• Volunteer to help someone or an organization
• Pack a lunch and give it to someone in need
• Give blood
• Let people go in front of you while in line
• Donate unused clothes, toys

Please keep in mind that if you do make a donation, it does not have to be in Preston's name.  Make the donation in the name of someone that means a lot to you, or to someone close to you.  Make the donation to a charity that means a lot to you.  While Preston is the driving force behind this event, the point is to spread happiness around the world - the more people it touches, the more proud of my son I am.  He is creating this happiness.  Without him, this special day would not exist.

Much like the quote I shared at the top of this message, the added bonus of spreading happiness is that it has the contagious effect of putting a smile on your own face.  Much like Preston's smile was contagious, and continues to be thanks to the fabulous invention of photography.

The world can be such a dark place.  I hope that Preston's birthday, this year, and for all the years to come, makes it a brighter place, if only for one day a year.  One person at a time, one act of kindness after  the another.

I invite you to share your random acts of kindness on social media using #SpreadHappinessForPreston.  You can also share through email (tsunaze1@gmail.com) or on my blog's Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/SpreadHappinessForPreston

I hope that you plan to join me and that #SpreadHappinessForPreston makes you smile.  I have cards that can be handed out when you do pay it forward.  If you are interested, I'd be more than happy to send you one (or more - spreading happiness does not have to end with one person, one act).  Simply email me for more details.

If it's not too much to ask, please share this with your friends and family.  The more people spreading happiness, the happier the day will be.

You have my sincerest gratitude for considering participating and sharing this event.  It's my hope that not only you will make someone smile, but that in the end, it also makes you smile.

Have a blessed day,

~Cat

Guardian Angel

I remember wondering about guardian angels when I was little.  Did they exist?  Who was mine?  Would I always be watched over?

As an adult, I thought angels a lot less.  Perhaps the harsh reality of life made it seem like surely they didn't exist?  Or perhaps, the fast pace that is now our every day lives made it so I just didn't think about it.

When Preston was born, I prayed.  I prayed a lot.  I'd ask God to watch over him when we were sleeping as I was frightened for him.  He was so small, and had been rushed into life, sooner than he was ready for it.  I believe I prayed every day and night.  In the morning, thanking God for watching over my son, and at night asking him to watch over him while I couldn't.

I'll be honest, I've prayed a lot less in the last year and a half.  Probably hardly at all.  While I don't have many formal prayers anymore, I still find myself talking to God, and to Preston often.  Almost every day.  Asking them to watch over this little girl while I have little control as to what is going on inside of me.  

In the last months, I've come to realize that guardian angels really do exist.  Samantha's is her big brother Preston.  Anytime I get overly worried, bunnies come to the rescue.  Or little kicks from Samantha as if she was just awoken from a nap to let her mama know she's alright.  It's a blessing to have Preston as a guardian angel for his little sister.  

At the same time, I'd give anything for him to be here on earth instead.

I often wonder if angels come down to earth on occasion, or if they are simply spiritual beings.  I don't have a definite answer but have an interesting story.

Yesterday, on our way to run some errands, my husband stopped for coffee at a local coffee shop.  I usually go in too, but for some reason, I stayed in the truck.  Within minutes, I saw my husband through the shop window waiting for his coffee.  There was the weirdest shadow.  Surely an illusion caused by light.  Or was it?

I saw what seemed like a little blond head, leaning against Brett's shoulder.  And then I noticed the wings that wrapped around my husband's back.  Rainbow colored wings.  I stared at it for minutes, and eventually looked away, thinking I was crazy to think Preston was there.  I looked back a little while later, and the shadows were there.  I smiled, and realized that guardian angels surely exist.  And when we least expect it, there they are.

I want to say a special thank you to Krystal, Conner and Benjamin's mom, who sent me the crystal angel (with rainbow wings) pictured above.  I received it at the beginning of August, and plan to place it in the nursery once we venture in there and turn it into Samantha's room, though we plan to leave some Preston things there.  For now, it rests on our dresser, on Preston's lion blanket, next to his urn and a couple other tokens that remind me of him.

We are about three months away from meeting miss Samantha, and I felt compelled to go look at a few things we've bought for her.  I felt a picture of something of hers, tying it to the fact that Preston is her guardian angel would be fitting.  We bought this headband and slippers about a month ago.  Is it odd that I don't remember that they were bunnies? Coincidence?

Rediscovering my organizational skills

I've always prided myself for my organizational skills.  I loved being able to find what I wanted easily.  To do so, I used a lot of color coding, and didn't let things accumulate until it was a mountain I didn't want to attack.

Lately, I've been having trouble finding motivation to getting re-organized.  Quite honestly, I don't know when I allowed myself to get so disorganized.  Years...  It frustrates me, and though I've wanted to be much more organized for a long time, I haven't known where to begin.  Too many projects, and not knowing where to start.

Well, I put a stop to that a couple weekends ago.  And while I can't get everything done overnight (which is a frustrating fact), I've acknowledged that I have to start small.  So I did.

I made a list of 8 things I want to get done before the end of 2015.  I know that it may not be realistic, but accepting that this is what I want and need to do, was a big step.  And should I only get 5 things done, then I will complete the other 3 next year.

After making this list, I placed them in order of importance, and also, in order of what can be accomplished that wouldn't be such a daunting task.  From there, I added steps for the first 3 on the list.

1. Clean up the basement
1. Separate basement into 3 areas - "Keep", "Throw Away" and "Sell/Giveaway"
2. Go through 5 boxes every weekend until everything is in one of these areas
2. Meal planning
1. Create a list of meals we like and/or want to try
2. Separate them into categories (chicken, beef, pasta, salad, etc.)
3. Each Saturday select a few meals to make
4. Create grocery list
5. Create meal calendar (keeping a couple days for left-overs)
3. Inventory baby things
1. Go through what we have to determine what we need and/or want

The basement has been something I've wanted to do for years.  We have so many boxes that we haven't unpacked, which tells me, there's a lot of stuff down there that we don't need.  It's just been so daunting because there's soooo much stuff!  I'll go through 1 box and get discouraged.  However, I think with this plan in place, I can do it over the course of a month or two without it being so time consuming.  And without it just feeling like a never ending task.  Seeing the piles go from one corner to 3 corners, should assist in getting that perception of accomplishment.

I wanted to start a couple weekends ago, but that's at the same time the contractor started working on the roof and new staircase for our patio.  Since the basement door goes to the backyard, they've used part of it for storing tools, and have also had to place some supports in the wall.  So the basement is a mess, and kind of unworkable.  Instead of feeling defeated, I started working on the meal planning project.

I made a list of over 80 meals that I know we like, but also went through my magazines and found several things that I've wanted to try.  For the 3rd week in a row, from this list, I've created my meal calendar for the upcoming week.  This has also helped me create a grocery list instead of just going down each aisle, one at a time grabbing what I "think" we'll need.  

How well has it worked?  It's worked great actually!  I know what I'm making for dinner when I get home from work instead of spending time trying to make a decision and landing on something easy, and not necessarily healthy.  Best of all, it worked fantastically in being organized for the party we had here on Saturday.

For the 5th time, I think, we hosted a fantasy draft at our house.  We've done this for our baseball and football leagues (though I don't play in the football one).  I planned my menu a week prior to the event, I created my grocery list from the menu, and everything was absolutely ready 15 minutes after our first guests arrived.  Basically, I just needed to empty and re-fill the dishwasher.  Not bad right?? :).  See pictures below - perhaps you'll want to join us for our next draft!

Next on my list is doing an inventory of what baby things we have, as we prepare for Samantha's arrival.  For sure, this won't be the easiest task.  It will probably mean going through Preston's room...  which #4 on the list is cleaning up his room :(.  Maybe early October, we'll be ready to do this.  I think we've landed on placing a lot of his things into a chest.  It'll allow us to access them when we want, and make us feel like we haven't just written him off, replaced him.  He is and always will be our special little guy.

One day, maybe we'll have a special place in the house to display our favorite Preston things.  At this point in time, it's still too painful to look at every day.  Don't get me wrong, there are reminders of him everywhere - a picture of the quilt square I made is in the living room, a photo book of his best pictures is in our front room, many of his things are still on display in our bedroom, his sonogram pictures are still on the fridge.  These things, make us feel like he's with us every day, and at the same time, hopefully aren't overwhelming to our visitors.

Rediscovering my organizational skills comes at a great time.  I'm finally feeling ready to tackle the many projects that have been crowding my mind.  And as with everything, one day at a time.  No reason to feel overwhelmed even if the list is long, because only so much can be accomplished in a day.  And the more organized I feel, the less I feel like these things aren't going to get done.  Imagine that?

What are your favorite organizational tools?