Preston - 3 weeks old
Sleep. It's meant so many things in my life. For years, I would sleep a lot. On weekends, I would sleep until the late hours of the morning. After my bowel resection surgery, I figured out that I slept that much because my body needed it to try and heal itself. Crohn's disease had taken it's toll on my body, as I was tired. All the time. After the surgery, I began needing less sleep, a significant amount less of sleep.
When Preston was born, sleep was difficult for the first month or so. He was so small, and I worried at all the little noises he made. Plus, I was up every 2 and a half hours to pump and feed him. As he got bigger, and didn't need to eat so often, I began sleeping more. Looking back on my time with him, even with his small size, and being a first time mother, I only remember being exhausted a couple times. Sleep was never something that bothered me.
After he passed away, sleep was really hard to come by. The evenings and nights had been ours. The late night feedings. Rocking in the nursery. Telling stories. Playing after his evening feeding until it was time for sleep. It was all gone and I struggled. For a while, I had to take anxiety pills so that I could actually sleep. After I had gone back to work, during the week, I'd get just a couple hours of sleep each night. It would take forever for me to fall asleep. A couple hours after going to bed, when I finally would pass out, I would soon wake up. 4 to 5 times a night. Again it would take a while to fall asleep, perhaps not hours, but by the end of the night, if I had 2-3 hours of sleep... that was pretty good. To allow my heart, body and head to rest.. Friday and Saturday nights, I would take Xanax. It lasted for a couple months until I was able to get a little more sleep as time went on.
With Samantha... sleep is difficult. I constantly feel the need to check on her. Mostly because of what happened to Preston. But, she has a lot of noises that freak us out. One in particular where the squeaking noise she makes sounds like she's choking, but she's not. Needless to say, it often keeps me up.
When she doesn't burp well, I usually can't sleep for fear that she'll spit up and choke. This usually only happens when she falls asleep while eating. This has resulted in many sleepless nights. I do try to sleep. I really do. And some nights, I manage. Other nights, like last night, I fail miserably. Her noises were really difficult - on top of her usual squeaking, she sounded like she was wheezing. I was alone with her, and it was enough to give me a panic attack. Finally she fell asleep and when she woke up in the middle of the night, the wheezing was gone. I didn't get any sleep until the early AM hours.
With time, I hope that sleep will come more easily. I hope that Sami's noises become less stressful. As time goes on, she will sleep more at night which will hopefully result in the same for me. In the meantime, I take it a day at a time and take some daytime naps, when sleepless nights occur.
Samantha - 3 weeks old
Possibly my favorite picture. The only picture that shows both my babies. Preston represented in my special locket around my neck, and Samantha in my arms. <3
