My son, Preston, passed away on March 13th, 2014. He was 16 weeks old. He was at daycare and never woke up from a nap. He simply stopped breathing and we have no explanation. We most likely never will, unless someone is able to figure out one day, what causes SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) or SUDI (Sudden Unexplained Death in Infancy). I pray that one day we can figure out what is ripping our babies away from us so tragically.
I've always felt that my son embodied happiness. I mean, the little guy was only upset when he was wet. And I mean 1 drop of pee and the boy needed a new diaper, not that I ever really minded. In truth, it gave me that extra time to spend with him that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. But, to get back to the point, my son was pure happiness. His smile was contagious. His giggle was intoxicating and his coos were just sweet, sweet music to my ears.
Losing him has been the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with, and unfortunately, I've had my share of hardships (more about that another time). I am pretty broken as part of my heart died when he did. I feel like all my hopes and dreams have been shattered, but some how, some way, I continue to be, and continue to "truck on". I am able to get out of bed every day and go to work. I am able to smile almost every day.
How is that even possible? I know, I ask myself the same thing every day. I think it's several things:
1. Our support system has been absolutely amazing. I've read a lot of stories about loss and I honestly feel blessed to have such kind hearted people in my life.
2. My husband and I have been able to be open about our feelings. Most of the time, if I'm weak, he's able to be strong, and vice-versa. Granted we definitely have had moments where none of us are strong, and we are grieving differently, but I think openly being able to talk about how we're feeling and what we're thinking about and respecting that in each other, has helped us be where we're at today.
3. Our faith. Don't get me wrong, my faith is definitely shaken. I prayed every single night to God for him to watch over Preston as we slept; to make sure he kept breathing (he was a premmie, so I worried more than I think I would have had he gone full term). I feel like He let us down. I feel like my prayers have been ignored. Granted he didn't pass away while we were sleeping, he was at the nanny's house having an afternoon nap and never woke up, but still - I'm sure God knew that my prayers meant that I was asking for him to watch over him whenever we weren't around. But, no God I know would purposely take my son away from me. God is not evil. So why is my son gone? I probably will never understand. I have days where I am furious with God. I have days where I ask God for signs that my son is ok. I feel like I've gotten a few. Anywho, I've learned from other people who've had losses that faith can often lift you up during a hard time... perhaps it's true?
4. Preston himself. As I said earlier, he embodied happiness, so I truly feel that he would want me to smile as often as possible. For that reason, I try to smile every day. I think I've succeeded most days.
Losing a child, it seems often gives you a need to want to help others. Perhaps it's our mothering nature? I don't have much else to offer as an explanation. I'm hoping that my blog can help others who are going through a loss, or have gone through a loss. I'm hoping that it can help our world be a happier place by hearing how others are spreading happiness. I would be so blessed if anyone decided to spread a little bit of happiness in honor of my son, Preston. My ultimate goal, is to try and get everyone I know, spread a little happiness on his birthday, November 19th. If everyone I know, tells everyone they know, etc. etc., couldn't we create a really happy day and make the world a better place?
Hearing Jackson 5's "I'll Be There" on Pandora last week (twice in the span of 30 minutes - the original by Jackson 5 and then Mariah Carey's version), really reinforced my need to do this. If we can get as many people doing something to make someone happy on his birthday and get #SpreadHappinessForPreston trending, it would give so much meaning to my little boy's life. I would be so honored that I am this little angel's mama.
"You and I must make a pact
We must bring salvation back
Where there is love, Ill be there
Ill reach out my hand to you
Ill have faith in all you do
Just call my name and Ill be there"
Read more: Jackson 5 - I'll Be There Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Good night my sweet Preston. Mama loves you forever.
This is heartbreaking. No parent should ever live to see their child die. May God give you the strength to bear this huge loss. I am sure your Preston will be watching you from Heaven and feeling proud to have you as his mother.
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