#CaptureYourGrief - Day 3: Before

Today's topic of Carly Marie's October "Capture Your Grief" project is before.  The following questions were asked and of course you can choose to answer the ones you want.  It can be one, or two, or all of them.

"Day 3: BEFORE. Who were you before your children died? Do you miss anything about that person? What did you love about that person? Did you dislike anything? Do you see your life as before and after or do you believe that you have always been changing?"

Who was I before Preston died?  I was a happy mom who believed her life was perfect.  I finally had the perfect work/home balance.  My health was good.  We had a handsome baby boy.  And while, life was perfect, I still complained a lot about the little things.  I assumed that I should be immune to tragedies because of all the struggles I'd already faced with my health issues and that I'll experience again in the future, because such is the life with a chronic illness.  While I feared SIDS, I never would have believed that it could happen to our sweet little boy.  At the same time, who I was before? It almost feels blurry.. like I was living someone else's life.

Do I miss anything about who I was?  I miss how easily happiness came to me.  A sweet little smile from Preston and my whole day was turned around.  It feels much more difficult to smile now.  It happens, but it's often dampened with feelings of guilt.  The guilt of being happy when I should be broken in a million pieces.  The guilt of smiling when I have too many reasons to be sad.  I miss not feeling that guilt at every corner.

What did I love about that person?  I loved my optimism.  I never liked thinking about the glass being half empty.  I struggle a lot more now to see the glass half full.  I try really hard to, but it's definitely not as easy.  I don't think this is totally gone.  I still always try to see the best in others.  I do easily see the worst case scenario now.

Did I dislike anything?  I disliked the fact of how much I complained about little things.  Maybe I didn't publicly complain, but I complained to a few close friends, and my husband.  It's my biggest pet peeve now, when I see people complaining about things they should be thankful for.  And of course it's not their fault.  To complain is human.  It's natural.  It's releasing for the mind.  I'm ever so mindful about it now though, complaining.  I still do it, don't get me wrong, but I'm certainly much more conscious of what I gripe about.

Do I see my life as before and after or do I believe that I have always been changing?  This is a tough one.  It's a bit of both I guess.  I do see my life as before Preston passed away, and after he passed away.  It's the most life changing experience of my life.  I feel like a part of me is totally gone now.  But at the same time, I know that I'm always growing.  My bowel obstructions in 2012 changed my outlook on a lot of things dramatically.  Moving from one country to another made for a lot of life and attitude adjustments.  There are many more experiences that I've gone through that have shaped me into who I am, and I'm sure, I will have many more that will again shift my way of thinking and living.  Such is the story that is life.  I don't ever want to regress, and I'd be bored if I were to remain stagnant.  I only pray that the experiences that help shape me into a better person are positive, instead of tragic.  I don't mind difficult, but I'm about done with heartbreaking and unbearable.

The thing to keep in mind though, before, after, now, then, Preston changed my life.  Through his life and through his death, and at the risk of repeating myself, no one has ever made such an impact on my life.  I hope that I continue to learn more from him, as I have as I somehow try to continue to be a mother to him.  It's certainly not easy, but I hope that he's as proud of who I am now, after, than who I was when he was here, before.