Tokens

 

I received the above necklace the day after mother's day.  A gift from my aunt Jocelyn, uncle Burnell, and their daughters, Alicia, Natalie and Valerie, and their significant others, Martin, Marty and James.  I was so touched.  A diamond crusted P for Preston.  A little foot.  An angel wing.  A gold heart.  And his birthstone, my birthstone, Brett's birthstone - topaz.  I wear it every day.  And when I don't, I feel guilty the second I forget to wear it because it's such a precious homage to my son.  It makes me feel close to him.  Forgetting to wear it because I was in a rush that morning, or too tired, makes me feel like I momentarily have forgotten my son.

It's not because we don't think about our children every moment of every day, that we don't love them. Not thinking about certain things during certain moments does not mean we have forgotten.  Sometimes we are busy.  Sometimes we are tired.  Sometimes we are concentrating.  We are human, and our minds wander some times, and I often need to stop and remind myself of that.  Forgetting to wear my necklace certain days, allows me to slow down and remember that.

On day 22 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, on the 6 month mark of losing my son, I am thankful for all the tokens that we have to remember him.  That we have to honor him.  I'm so incredibly thankful for the necklace I received from my family.  What a moving gesture on their part to pick things that are such tributes to Preston, and what he means to us.  It also gives me the opportunity to bring up my son if someone asks about my necklace and it's significance.  It's only happened once, and I really tried not to traumatize the lady who asked me.  Hopefully I kept my composure and I didn't ruin her day with my sad story.

On December 23rd, we took a handprint and footprint from Preston which we molded into a Christmas ornaments - one for my parents, one for Brett's parents, and one for us.  We have his footprints from when he was born... and the coroner did something so touching - not that I can bear to look at them.  She made 2 moldings - of his little hands and precious feet.  The moldings are in a heart shape, have little bears clued to it, along with the PAIL (Pregnancy and Infant Loss) awareness ribbon which is half baby blue and half pink.  One day, maybe we'll be able to hang them up?  I lose it anytime I open the boxes they are in.  They sit on his dresser for now, along with all his books and other things... terrible that I don't know.. but I really don't go into his room very often.

The funeral home took clippings of his hair before he was cremated.  They are in a little bag, along with several cards we received on the day of his funeral and the book that everyone signed to give us their condolences.  I've read everything once.. a few days after the funeral.  Everything that was said was so kind, thoughtful and touching, and I'm sorry that I haven't sent out thank you letters.  I just haven't had the heart to write them all because it'll mean thinking about the sadness for hours.  Being sad for hours is really hard, and makes it harder to get out of the downward spiral.  I hope you understand.  I hope you know how thankful we are that you were there.  How thankful we are to have all of you in our lives, supporting us, thinking of us, keeping us in your prayers.

I have a few other tokens.  A nice necklace from our friend Glenner and his wife Janet.  It's in the shape of a tear, and it came with a poem - no tears in heaven.  I also have a charm bracelet.  I have two Preston tokens.  A gold binky that Brett gave to me when Preston was born (it was my first charm).  And an angel wing with a pearl from my parents.  How I wish my baby boy wasn't a real angel.  He was an angel on Earth, and I wish that he could have stayed longer.  How short 16 weeks is.  I heard the song "Heaven is a Place on Earth" today... I would search day and night, 24 hours a day to find it if that were true. 

Grief is such a true roller coaster.  Good one moment, broken the next.  Does that show sometimes in my posts?  I never set out to have a negative blog entry, or a sad blog entry.  My goal is really to share my son, and help others through their grief.  Help others appreciate their life, or help them through a tough time.  Share my little guy's smile, in hopes of spreading some happiness around the world.  Share my feelings to let it out, and find some relief.  I appreciate everyone who allows me to do that.  It really is a true gift to me.