Changing seasons

Aspens from 2008 trip to the mountains

It's interesting how certain experiences can change the way you perceive things.  Change the things you enjoy, appreciate.  Losing Preston was never an experience I wanted to live.  While it was certainly a fear, it was never really anticipated.  It's like there's been a total shift in my life.  I also experienced a shift when I developed my first bowel obstruction.  While it didn't totally change me, it certainly changed many things in my life.

After my bowel obstruction in May 2012, stress completely disappeared from my life.  It's like someone turned off a switch.  I used to worry, constantly worry.  About everything.  This isn't to say I never worry, but it doesn't cause my stomach to knot up.  It doesn't cause me to lose sleep.  With losing Preston, it's like I have a totally new outlook on life.  In a lot of ways, this outlook is positive.  In other ways, it's like I'm living someone else's life.  Fall has been my favorite season for a long time.  Winter, my least favorite.  I feel like there's been a shift because in many ways, I look forward to the winter.

Every season has beauty to it.  As fall approaches, on day 19 of my 30 days of gratitude challenge, I am thankful for the four seasons that I am blessed to know.

Spring.  Preston never really got to know what spring was.  The temperature was starting to warm up when he passed away in March.  The leaves were just starting to bud.  We were still going to have snow storms.  Spring radiates with renewal.  Spring brings about lovely colors - from tulips, to cherry blossoms, to daffodils.  Spring means song birds aren't far.  Spring is hope...except when it's not.  Spring now also means loss, dashed dreams, darkness.  It's all I can do to not go down that path.  It's like I'm constantly in a struggle with myself... wanting to feel the sadness, but needing to take a breath of fresh air.  I guess we will really see how I feel about spring in 6 months.

Summer.  Another season Preston didn't get to experience.  No pitter patter in the pool.  No picnic in the grass.  No fireworks on the 4th of July.  No baseball game.  I used to love summer.  Vacations, swimming, warm weather, star gazing on a warm night.  I don't appreciate the heat much anymore.  Weather wise, we've been blessed with a pleasant summer.  Enough rain to keep things green.  Not too many super hot days.  A lot of walks.  Summer means life - all the kids playing, laughing with no worries about homework.  Summer means life - all the bunnies, birds, butterflies that can be seen every day.  Summer brings happiness with sunshine.  Summer means vacation for a lot of people.  Summers mean family time.  This summer has certainly not been what I had dreamed of.  However, I am in a better place than I was in spring - healing wise.  I am thankful for everything summer represents because it it's own way, it has helped me heal.

I've always loved fall.  The changing colors of the leaves.  The smell of fireplaces.  The smell of apple pies.  Fall to me means change.  Change has been part of my new normal.  New routines to stay busy.  New thoughts to stay positive.  New hobbies?  Embroidery perhaps?  Fall to me also means restoration.  Restoration of time - time change.  Restoration of routine - return to school, return of favorite TV shows.  This fall, I will try to embrace change and restoration.  It's a little ironical to feel these two things at once I know.  Preston was born at the end of fall, like his mama and dad.  I know I will struggle with the end of fall - but I will try to remind myself that the anticipation is often worse and I will attempt to concentrate less on the anticipation.  I do look forward to seeing how successful the Spread Happiness For Preston campaign will be.

And then there's winter.  I don't like to be cold but I love the snow.  The pure white.  The innocence that glitters from it.   The softness of sound when snow is falling.  The uniqueness of each snow crystal.  Winter is what Preston knew.  Fleece pajamas.  Blanket to keep him warm when in a onesie.  Strolls on a cool day.  I've always loved Christmas and was looking forward to driving around to see the lights people have put up.  I was hoping it could be our unique family tradition.  I don't know that I want to do it this year, even if we've done that for the past 7 years, Brett & I that is.  I've thought about buying a Christmas present for Preston but giving it away to a one year old at a children's hospital, but I don't know if I'd have the strength to do that.  I still haven't bought a one year old present for Preston's best friend - just because it's so hard to go in the baby isle at the store, or just browse BabiesRus online.  I think about doing it every weekend, but just can't.  I will try again until I succeed.

The truth is, there's beauty and sadness in every month.  They bring positive feelings like hope, life, restoration, change, love, memories.  They also bring darkness, loss of dreams, pain, fear.  Nonetheless, I'm grateful for each of the seasons - mostly the transitions between each season.  It gives me hope that I can make this transition into my new life.  If Earth can do it every 3 months or so, why can't I?  I feel like I'm on the right path.  There are a lot of bends in the road, sometimes crevices, but I see a rainbow at the end of this really long path and one day, I will reach it and all will be restored. :)