I'd been dreading this day. You want to answer honestly, but you don't want to overwhelm the person posing the question. I can only imagine being on the other side, the side that is asking the question and then receiving the devastating answer to a question that was just meant to be "small talk". I'd be blown-away by sadness. I'd fear that I'd cause more pain to the woman who lost her child. I get it. I get why it's difficult to talk about losing a child. However, I know the other side. The side where I'm the mother who lost her baby. And I know how healing it is to not need to sensor myself when talking about my son.
It's interesting how the mind doesn't always connect with what your heart is feeling. Much like my immediate answer to "how are you doing?" is "I'm okay", and sometimes even "I'm good". I used to be good all the time. That word doesn't slip off the tongue so well anymore, but it does happen. Much like "no" stumbled out of my mouth today. Every time I'd imagined answering that question, my answer was going to be "yes, but...".
It's an added layer I can add to my guilt trips, when they come. I feel thankful that I got a second chance to answer the question, but I still said "no" in the first place. How is it that my mind could forget for even a second that I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms 7 months ago? How is it that I can allow my mind to say things I don't feel? Or that I haven't thought through? Maybe my mind wanted to protect my heart? Maybe it's just out of habit? I've never had to answer that question before. Maybe I was just too deep in thought? I can sit here and make up a hundred reasons, but again, it doesn't change what happened.
It seems like such a menial thing to worry about. To feel guilt over. It just goes to show you how closely guilt follows me wherever I go. Let go of one thing yesterday, find another to hold onto the next. I'm slowly already making peace with it. Writing about it helps and I really do try to stray from negativity... so I will do my best to let it go.
No matter what I said. Regardless of what spilled out of my mouth. I have a son. His name is Preston and he resides in Heaven. He had the sweetest smile, and the softest coos. He was my happiness, and I try to hold onto it every day by sharing him, sharing my journey, with anyone who will read it. Come what may, he's part of me, his heart lives in mine and for that reason, he will always be with me and I will always have a son.
I get a variant of that question all the time now... I get asked if my rainbow is my first child and I'll either say he's the first to make it this far or that 'for simplicity's sake yes, he's my first.'
ReplyDeleteI often feel guilty for choosing the simplicity statement, but at the same time I understand the need not to make someone feel awkward... It's a dilemma that I cant seem to get around...
I've done that before, and immediately regretted it. Sometimes its easier to say no so you dont have to explain what happened to a stranger. But at the same time, you dont want to deny that you have a son. Be kind to yourself. We've all done it. There is no shame in it. But I am glad that you were able to tell her that you had/have a son.
ReplyDeletePreston is absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through Krystal ^^ earlier today and kept you and Preston in my prayers while lighting my candle tonight. Hugs to you.
Thank you Chickin. It means a lot.
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