Day 21 of my 30 days of gratitude is here already. I still have so many things to talk about, yet the mood has to be right. The timing has to be perfect. Today, I'm thankful for sleep. I enjoy sleeping in, lounging in bed, taking it easy but not like I use to.
For years I would sleep in until 10 or 11. My body needed the extra sleep to fight off the inflammation caused by Crohn's disease. I felt tired every day. When Preston was born, Brett would take the first feeding of the day at 5:00am, allowing me to sleep for an extra 2 and a half hours. My sleep was limited, but appreciated, and I didn't feel really tired too often. It was amazing. Especially considering all the stories you hear about having a newborn, being a first time parent. I was expecting to always feeling sluggish and exhausted and it was nothing like that. I had a few nights where I was really tired, but very few.
I've always had trouble falling asleep. While it'll take Brett 15 seconds to fall asleep once his head hits the pillow, it takes me roughly 15 to 20 minutes. It used to take me 30 to 45. My mind was always going. Thinking about this and that. Worrying about everything and nothing. Things changed in 2012 and the worrying decreased. The thinking was still there, is still there. I've been trying really hard though not to think too much late at night... except when I'm writing my blog entry. If I let myself think too much at night, when I'm tired and more vulnerable, it's extremely effortless to let my mind fixate on my loss, on the sadness of everything that surrounds it.
When we first lost Preston, I couldn't sleep. If I got 2 to 3 hours a night, that was a lot. I felt like I was just going through the motions of the day, and it was all I could do. I was thankful that my OB prescribed me some sleeping aids. It helped for the first few weeks. It continued to help on weekends after I returned to work. I wasn't getting much sleep during the week, and the pills helped me catch up on sleep during the weekend. That lasted another month or two? I haven't needed them in awhile now and I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I can sleep and rest. Rest my mind, rest my body, rest my soul. Rest my broken heart. And then, there's always the possibility that I'll have a dream about Preston that I remember. Hasn't happened yet... but I remain hopeful. The only Preston related dream I had was a week or so after he passed. I dreamt that Brett's grandma, who passed last year, was in our living room and was telling us that my grandmere was watching over Preston and that he was ok.
It's hard not to remember my dreams. Not knowing whether I dream of him every night, or not at all. It'd be so amazing to dream of him, but at the same time, it could be so heartbreaking to wake up to. I think I'd be grateful for the dream, but who knows.
I don't think we often stop and think how much sleep means for us. It re-energizes us to take on life. It sprinkles us with peacefulness. Comfort from the warmth of the blankets, and softness of the mattress. It slows our heart rate, and let's us rest every aspect of our body which is much needed considering all the stresses that surrounds our every day lives, whether we think they are there or not. It gives us quiet time to reflect on our life, problems, gratitudes, plans for the future.
Rest your head on the pillow
For, you never know
A little angel may come to visit
To soothe your heart and spirit
As you sleep and rest
He makes a nest
Close to you forever
In your heart always
I keep a feathered pillow
Soft enough for an angel
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