Taking my own advice isn't always simple

I must have gone crazy...I'm taking pictures of a cucumber!! Fruit of my own labor though.  This cucumber grew in Preston's garden, and tonight as the frost starts to approach, I harvested one of the four cucumbers that I planted in June.  I was at the supermarket earlier today, as I usually am on Sundays and saw a salad in the deli counter as I was waiting for my cold cuts.  It was a cucumber orzo and spinach salad with red onions.  I was inspired.  I could make my own!  So, I did.  I gathered a cucumber, some parsley, oregano and basil.  I was going to pick one of my red onions, but it would seem that they didn't really grow.  I'll have to research why not.  Kind of bummed about it.  Oh well, I had onions in the house.  While the orzo pasta cooked, I diced the cucumber and a third of an onion.  I made my own herb vinaigrette using the herbs I picked earlier, some oil, garlic and red wine vinegar.  And it was delicious.  A nice light meal, for a hot day.  A nice light meal, as I once again have the willpower to try to lose weight.  One of my few insecurities is my weight.  I miss the way I looked five years ago.

I read the blog entry of a friend, an angel mom, just before starting my entry.  With Blogger, you can easily follow other blogs written through Blogger.  I saw the new entry and wanted to read it immediately.  In her blog, she wrote about my blog.  Wow!! How touching is that?  To feel like I'm somehow making a difference is mind-blowing to me.  All I've wanted to do was touch one person, and I'm starting to see that I'm helping more than just one.  All that because of Preston.

My friend Josilyn, admitted that my blog helps her face the truth.  In doing so, she made me realize that I should do the same.  I should be able to take my own advice, follow my own philosophies, live by what I believe in.  It's ever so easy to fall into the traps of grief - burden oneself with guilt, allow the anger to boil over, take your frustrations out on others, detach from others, allowing defeat to overtake you.  This appears to be more prevalent when I let insecurities squeeze their way into my life.  Or if I let negativity into my mind.  I realize that my last few blog entries have had a rather negative tone to them.  It's never my intention to go down that path, and I realize that it will happen from time to time.  The fact is, I didn't have a bad weekend.  I didn't struggle with my loss more than any other day.  I enjoyed a lot of time with my husband - watched hockey on Friday, watched a movie right after.  Spent the day together yesterday, along with his parents who came to visit.  We watched another movie yesterday.  And my fantasy football loving husband watched football for most of the day, as he was feeling a little under the weather, and I got to spend again, most of the day just relaxing with him.

So why the negative tone in my entries?  I didn't plan to write about it, but I want to take my own advice. I have nothing to hide, and I want to help others.  One of the forums I frequent on a consistent basis was littered with negativity this weekend.  I've had success in the past as a mediator on forums.  When I was a "counselor" in my World of Warcraft guild, "The Infinite", I was often able to defuse tense situations/discussions.  I'm usually able to keep my composure and have had ease with remaining politically correct (I get that from my Dad).  When you're in a group of 300 people, or any number of people really, there are bound to be rules that don't appeal to everyone.  Some might actually rub people the wrong way.  That's kind of what was going on this weekend.  There are some rules in place in order to provide a safe haven for women who are still heavily grieving their babies.  These rules were pointed out to some members and since tone is so difficult to discern in written format, they were taken the wrong way.  I tried to intervene and while I didn't get blasted directly, I felt accused of being a "mean girl".  Maybe I misinterpreted it, it's highly possible.  Like I said, it's hard to capture the tonality others are trying to convene through their posts.  Nonetheless, there was a lot of negativity, I felt vulnerable and I totally let it affect my mood.  Being labeled that way rubbed me the wrong way.  I don't have an ounce of mean in me, at least that's the way I feel.  Plus it felt very clear to me: we are all grieving the loss of a baby, we are all hurting.  Why in God's name would we want to inflict additional pain on the only people who understand us.  Why would we want to cause more hurt to others who are obviously already dealing with the intense, unfair pain of losing their baby?

I was never the popular girl, not that it was ever really something I strived for.  There were a lot of kids who would make fun of me, for whatever reason.  And yes, it did affect my self esteem for many, many years.  I'm over it now.  I tend to not care what people think about me.  I'm comfortable with who I am.  I'm a nice person.  I care for others.  I will always be nice to others, even if I can tell that they don't like me, whatever their reason may be.  I do have my limits though.  And negativity affects me, and allows those insecurities to come back sometimes even if most of the time, I feel like they've been banished from my life.

At the same time, I get it.  If they felt attacked, even if that's not what was going on, they felt the need to defend themselves.  Sometimes, the wrong suggestion can bring out that same negativity that I displayed this weekend, because it always lies beneath the surface when you are grieving.  Again, I get it.  They are in a bad spot having just lost their baby.  Maybe I was on the receiving end of their pain, their grief, their bad day.  I'm ok with that if it can be helpful to them, but I'm human too.  I have feelings that can easily be hurt. 

It's difficult.  I don't try to hide the sadness.  That's not what you see through my positivity.  I don't try to push the heartache down so that it one day explodes, in my face or the face of others.  I try to see the goodness that having Preston in my life has brought me, that it has brought to others.  Others who either were lucky enough to have met him, or who have grown to know and love him through my writing.  I was going to keep this story to myself, but my friend Josilyn, made me realize that I needed to.  I needed to, so that it was released from my soul.  I needed to so that maybe others realize that when suggestions are made, or when rules exist, they aren't there to make anyone miserable.  They are there to protect.  They are there to lower the chances of chaos.  And yes, there will always be people who break the rules.  Who doesn't?  If you do, you may get corrected, or a suggestion might be made.  Don't take it the wrong way.  No one is trying to protect just one individual, or a small group of individuals.  The community is what is being protected so that it remains the safe haven it was meant to be.

Josilyn, thank you for your blog entry tonight.  Thank you for making me face the music of my own beliefs, and allowing myself to release this negativity that was gnawing at my heart all weekend.  Jade, Chris and Serenity should be so proud of their mama.  You make a difference, and I hope that you know that <3